Heaven on Earth

Chapter 9: Those Eyes

It was wonderful to be able to stay in bed and relax. Brian and I cuddled in the afterglow of great sex. I took one of his hands in mine and brought it to my mouth, kissing each individual finger. We shifted position, and Brian pushed himself into me, resting his head against my bare chest. I breathed in the smell of his hair. We both sank into the pillows. For a while, I thought he had gone to sleep, but then I felt him caressing my side. I sighed at his touch. Nothing else on Earth was like this. All good things must come to an end.

"Evan, I want you to see a psychiatrist."

"What?"

"This whole thing with Laura has been really hard on you. You need to talk to someone about it."

"Brian, I'm fine. I'm over it." I pushed him away from me and sat up.

He adjusted himself so that his head was propped up on his hand. "Then why are we in the guest bedroom instead of your room?"

"I'm just a little uncomfortable being in there right now. It only happened last week, you know."

"And why do you tense up every time you come around the corner from your room and into the hall? Isn't that where Laura nailed you?"

"Brian, what's your point?"

"My point is that you can't live like this."

"It's my nerves, that's all. Can we drop it?" I moved back down the bed, hoping that I could submerge myself in the mattress.

Suddenly, Brian whipped himself up and was on top of me. "So how do you feel about this, Evan?"

"Cut it out, Brian," I said.

"You're strong, babe, but what's it like when you can't move?" He tightened his legs around my torso so that I was pinned but couldn't throw him off with my legs. He grabbed my arms and pulled them above my head. I tried to break free, but he was holding me very firmly.

"Brian, stop it." My voice was weak.

"And if I leaned down and took advantage of you like this?" Still holding my arms, he moved forward and ran his tongue across my lips. I struggled fiercely, but Brian was incredibly strong. There was no way I could get the right leverage to throw him off me. The intensity in his eyes was nothing short of frightening. I cried out in anguish and gave up.

"Brian, please don't hurt me," I said softly.

And with that, he let me go. He sat next to me and stared at me with those eyes. It took me a few minutes to recover. My breathing was hard and I was starting to cry, but I managed to speak with some clarity.

"Why did you do that?"

"You needed to see how you would react. This is why I want you to talk to somebody. You're not even comfortable with me. You don't trust me not to hurt you."

"Brian, that was just cruel."

"Evan, maybe it was a bit much, but these feelings aren't going to go away if you internalize them."

"They're also not going to go away if you try to traumatize me all over again."

I didn't really understand why he was acting like this. As much as I loved him, Brian's strange mood shifts were perplexing. I suppose it was part of him being more of an introvert than I was, as though I missed large portions of his thought process, but I didn't see the reason why he would switch from being so loving to being so harsh. He stood up from the bed and put on his underwear. "I'm just giving you something to think about, babe." How could he call me "babe" at that moment? He walked out of the room with the rest of his clothes, leaving me on the bed, still in shock.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling for quite some time. Brian had been right to a certain degree. He had scared the hell out of me, but did I really have any reason to be afraid like I was? Giving up on feeling sorry for myself, I put on my clothes and headed for the front door. Brian was indulging himself in a pint of ice cream that he had stored in my freezer. I didn't say anything as I passed him in the kitchen until he said,

"Where are you going?"

"For a walk," I said shortly.

I opened the front door and slammed it on my way out. I started walking without much direction or care as to where I would end up. It felt rather silly to be going through these highs and lows in a relationship within the time span of a few hours. It was a beautiful summer afternoon in New York City. I sincerely regret not taking advantage of days like this more often. Eventually, I wandered into Washington Square Park. Since it was midday, not much was going on. A few people played with their dogs, others ate lunch, and the people that were obviously tourists snapped an endless number of pictures and pointed at the tall buildings. I bought a hot dog from a vendor and settled down on a bench near the arch. What was it going to take to get rid of my fear and frustration? Moving out of my apartment would give me a new environment, a fresh start, but I certainly didn't want to leave it, not to mention the difficulty of switching apartments with the limited help Uncle James could give me. Maybe Brian was right, maybe therapy was the best solution.

"What'd he do this time?" came a rich, southern voice from behind me.

I didn't have to turn around to answer. "How'd you guess?"

Erica came around to the front of the bench and sat down next to me. "You're sitting out here alone looking very melancholy. It could only be one thing."

"Why are you out here?"

"I come out here to think and find inspiration. Call me crazy, but I do my best thinking with crowds of people and noise. Drownin' the sound out lets me focus and concentrate. But don't change the subject. What's goin' on?"

"It's nothing," I said, taking another bite of my hot dog. "Brian decided to practice a little psychology on me."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning he pinned me to the bed and pretended to take advantage of me. He was trying to convince me that I should go to a psychiatrist."

"To confront all these feelings you have about what happened?"

"Yea."

"Well, that's nicer than what I would have said. I would have told you to go and face Laura."

"What?" I swear, the entire world had gone mad.

"This is something that has obviously hurt you, probably deeper than you realize. And you need to do whatever it takes to get it out of your system. I'm betting that you haven't even talked to Jane since last week."

My silence admitted the truth for me. Erica put her hand on my knee. "Hun, it's a heavy and unnecessary burden to carry this around with you everywhere you go. What's worse is that whatever you're going through is passed on to Brian. And I know for a fact that he would do anything he could to take the pain away, but it's not something he can do on his own."

"It's not something that I can get through on my own, either."

"Which is why you have each other. I know his behavior must have seemed shocking, but Brian has nothing but the best intentions for you at heart."

I thoughtfully crammed a bite of hot dog into my mouth. I understood perfectly why Brian felt the need to do it, but I still couldn't believe that he purposely made me that uncomfortable.

"Maybe you should go back and talk to him about this instead of sitting out here."

My only response was to take another bite. Erica, wise soul that she was, sensed that I wasn't going to say anything else. She kissed my cheek and walked over to another bench that was farther away.

I tossed the last small pieces of hot dog bun for the pigeons and squirrels to pick up. They attacked and pecked away at them like there was no tomorrow. The wind shifted and my nose was greeted by one of my favorite smells.

"Don't you think it's unwise to follow someone that has angrily stormed out on you?" I asked.

"Only if I don't care about him," came the reply.

Brian moved around to the front of the bench and sat so that there was about a foot between us. I didn't look at him; I continued to stare out into the park. I knew that one look into his eyes would erase all of my anger, and I wanted to be angry with him because I felt like I had a reason to be.

"Evan, I'm not sorry for what I did," he said.

"Good, because I'm not sorry for walking out on you."

In a simple gesture of his affection, Brian moved closer to me, looped his arm through mine and laced our fingers together. He brought our hands to his mouth and kissed my fingers.

"I love you," he softly whispered.

Without hesitation, I answered back, "I love you, too." "Let's go back to your apartment so we can talk about this."

I rose from the bench with him and gathered my strength to look at him for the first time. "I'm still mad at you, you know?"

He nodded his head.

"And it's our apartment now." He gave me a slight smile.

Our hands were still locked together and he gave me a gentle squeeze. Neither of us said anything until we were back in the apartment. I disarmed the alarm while he sat down on one of the couches. He motioned for me to sit next to him, but he wasn't getting off that easily. I sat down on an opposite chair, crossed my arms and legs, and waited for him to speak. Sure, it was childish anger, but it effectively got across the way I felt.

He took a deep breath before beginning to speak. "Evan, I don't want this whole ordeal to be more painful than it has to be. You need to find peace of mind, and I don't think there's anything that I can do for you."

"I'll be ok in time, Bri. I really don't think there's a need for me to talk to anyone, especially given the fact that I am not comfortable with psychiatrists."

"I know you think you're fine, babe, but—"

"Brian, I spent half of my childhood bouncing around from shrink to shrink talking out problems with my mother and my sister. Not one of them actually gave a damn about us, much less helped us to resolve any of our problems."

"That doesn't mean that you won't have better luck this time. A good family friend of ours practices here in the city. I grew up with her younger brother."

"I'm going to be starting school next month. I'm not going to have time for any of that."

"You can't keep living like this, Evan."

"The hell I can't! There's nothing wrong with me!"

Brian didn't say anything; he only looked at me with those deep, blue eyes. "Brian, that isn't going to work," I protested. Nothing. "No, it's not doing anything." Damn him.

Brian stood up from the couch and came over to my chair. He placed his hands on my knees in the same way that I had put mine on his when I asked him to date me. "Evan, please."

"Brian, please don't ask me this."

"Evan, please."

My voice lowered. "Brian..."

"Please."

I bent down and kissed his head through his dark, thick hair. "I can't, Bri."

"Yes, you can."

"No, not even for you."

His head dropped to rest on my legs. "At least let me give you her number and you can think about for a little while. I can't bear to see you go on like this."

"Ok," I conceded. "But don't ask me again."

My distaste for psychiatrists went much deeper than I could explain in words. Brian couldn't understand what therapy had done to me as a kid. It was session after session of listening to my mother lie about our lives, our family situation. God only knows what she said when she went in there alone with the doctor. She always told Maria and me not to contradict anything that we said. We were supposed to go along with her lies. I do remember that she was always able to come up with some excuse for not being able to pay, and somehow, she got away with it. My mother was an amazing woman. Certainly amazing.

I gathered Brian into my arms and pulled us both into a standing position. He held me tightly to his body and rested his head and my shoulder. I could tell that he was tired of arguing with me, but there was no way I could give in. I'm a Leo; we can be very stubborn like that.

I'm not exactly sure how long we stood there holding each other, but the phone snapped us both back to reality. I picked it up and answered, "Hello?"

No response.

"Hello?" I repeated.

I hung up. Brian raised an eyebrow and looked at me. "Who was it?" he asked.

"I don't know; no one said anything."

He made a thoughtful grunt. "Well, let's get lunch. I'm starved."

"No thanks, I already ate. I think I'm going to take a nap," I said. His eyes searched mine for a more detailed answer, but I merely stared back at him for a moment before turning and walking into my bedroom and shutting the door. There was nothing wrong with me. I could sleep in my own bed if I had to. I was only a little bothered by being in the same place that I was raped. I curled up on top of the blankets and pressed my head into the pillow that was beginning to smell like Brian. I tried to focus on anything but the incident with Laura from the past Wednesday. I heard Brian shut the front door. I listened to the raspy sound of my breath against the pillow. I thought about how much my life had changed in the short time of a month. It all happened so quickly, but I was so happy that I stopped noticing how overwhelming it was. I never thought I could fall in love so easily. I never thought that someone could love me so much. Eventually, I fell into an uneasy sleep.

Ask me to define the word, "nightmare," and I'll describe the dream I had that afternoon. Brian and I were back in the bathtub like we were the previous week. I had told him how much he meant to me and began to snuggle myself into his chest as he held me from behind. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the water and his body. Without warning, Brian's arms relaxed around me and his head slumped onto my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see his blood pouring over my body. I opened my mouth to scream, but Laura's hand covered it as she grabbed my hair and pushed my head underwater.

I woke up with Brian gently shaking my shoulder and whispering my name. My eyes, wide with terror, focused on him and all I could see was the fear and concern that dominated his face. I had to grab his face with both hands to prove to myself that he was actually there.

"Baby, it's me. I'm here," he said. A deep cry of relief escaped my lips. "It's alright," he said. "It was only a dream."

I still couldn't respond; my mouth was dry with fear. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, but I shook my head. He kissed my forehead and I buried my head in his chest. I breathed deeply as he lovingly stroked my hair. I stayed there for at least ten minutes, allowing his presence to calm me. I pulled away and lightly brushed my lips against his.

"Brian, don't leave me," I whispered.

"Come on," he said, standing up with me. We walked into the kitchen where he grabbed a glass of water and handed it to me. He also pulled a plastic carton out of the refrigerator and gave it to me.

"Caramel cheesecake. Your favorite," he said.

"Thanks," I said. I picked at the cheesecake for a little while before eating it. Brian was washing dishes in the sink on the other side of the bar as he watched me eat. "Sometimes I don't know why you put up with me," I said.

"You already know the answer to that," he replied softly. "Eat your cheesecake."

"Do you want any?"

"No, I already had a piece. There's another piece for you in the fridge if you want one later."

I went back to eating for a moment before I said, "Do you have to go to your apartment and finish any work?"

"No, there's nothing pressing me to have it all done for tomorrow. Why? Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"You know I'm not." I finished a couple more bites and decided to put the rest away. I checked the clock on the microwave and saw that it was almost 6 o'clock. I had been asleep for nearly four hours, but it felt like I hadn't slept at all. I moved next to Brian and began helping him wash and dry. "I should really get this dishwasher repaired, shouldn't I?"

"I never minded doing the dishes when I was younger," he said. "It was easier than all the other chores." He chuckled for a moment before continuing. "I used to flick water at our dog and laugh while he blinked and crinkled his nose."

"Like this?" I asked, splashing a large amount of water onto Brian's face. I cracked up as he wiped the water from his eyes.

"No," he said, "it was a little more like this." He plunged his hand into the soapy water and drenched my thin t-shirt.

"No fair!" I protested. "You used soap. That could have gotten in my eyes."

"I resent that! I have very good aim."

"Oh, right, because there's a science to plunging one's fist into water," I laughed.

"Of course there is," he said smiling brightly.

I rolled my eyes at him and went back to work. In a moment of mischief, I grabbed the extendable spray head and hosed him down. He was absolutely soaked from head to toe.

"Now who's not playing fair?"

"Me," I said innocently.

He intensely fixed those blue eyes on me. "Evan, put down the hose."

"N-no," I stammered, jokingly afraid of what he might do.

"Put down the hose," he repeated, taking a step towards me.

I pointed it at him again, but he shook his head and laughed. "I can't get any more wet than I already am." Realizing that he was right, I dropped the hose and ran out of the kitchen, sprinting for the second bathroom. Brian was right behind me, and he burst into the bathroom before I got a chance to lock him out. He grabbed me and planted a hot kiss on my lips. If I hadn't accepted the fact that I was gay before, I would have in that moment because that man made me melt. He actually kissed me so forcefully that I fell back onto the closed toilet with Brian on top of me, straddling my legs.

He pulled away from me with a huge grin on his face. "I win," he said.

"If that's what I get for losing, I don't want to think of what you get for winning."

"I'm sure you could think of something," he said, licking his lips. "I'll collect my prize later. Right now, I've got to change clothes."

In hindsight, it's incredible how Brian knew exactly how to get my mind off things. I still say that he's better than anything therapy could offer me, but I know now that it was a heavy burden for me to put on him.

He walked into the extra bedroom, and I followed him with a questioning look on my face. "Brian, what are you doing? You don't have any clothes in here."

He began taking off his clothes, revealing his tanned body. "I know," he said, tossing his pants at me. I pulled my shirt over my head as he climbed onto the bed and spread his legs.

"I decided what I want for my prize," he said.

***

Brian sighed and moaned as I sucked on his neck later that evening. My hands roamed the rest of his body, caressing all the spots where I knew I could get the biggest reaction out of him. I pulled back from him and admired his entire body. He was absolutely gorgeous. I did snicker at the contrast in skin color between the rest of his body and his upper thighs.

"The laughing is doing wonders for my self-esteem, babe."

"I'm sorry," I said, "I find it funny how someone who is as pale as you can tan so well."

He followed my gaze to his legs. A smile formed on his face when he, too, saw the drastic difference between his normal complexion and his summer tan. "Well, not all of us can have a naturally beautiful skin tone like you," he snorted. I laughed and resumed kissing his neck.

"Maybe it's the Anglo-Italian blood that saves me," he muttered. "The pasty, white British mixed with the olive skinned people of—" I moved lower and closed my lips around one of his nipples, which cut off his talking.

I kissed back up his chest to his chin and nibbled on that for a while before I slowly kissed his lips. We were pressed so closely together that I felt the vibrations in his chest and stomach as he growled. When I broke the kiss, we were both staring into each other's eyes.

"How do you ever expect me to stay mad at you when I love you so much?" I asked.

"I guess I'll have to try harder to be less endearing."

I smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. I rolled off him and pressed my back against his chest. He kissed the back of my neck, sending chills up and down my body. Brian wrapped one of his arms around my torso and pulled me in close. Before long, I could feel the rhythmic breathing as he slept.