***Alex's Point of View***
Our one year anniversary rolled around, Ben said he's planning the night. I told him not to go crazy, all I care about is being with him.
I got home from work and Ben wasn't there. Weird, considering I thought he's supposed to be off tonight.
"Babe?" I called out, looking around the house. "Ben?!" I searched all four floors, weird cause I rarely go up past the second floor with the master.
He's not here? Maybe he went out to get something. I sent a text asking him where he is.
Hey Ben, just got home. Wondering where you are. Just let me know, love you.
Twenty minutes, no response. An hour, no response. I texted him again. Twenty minutes later I finally get a call from him.
"Hey Ben, where are you?"
"Hi Alex." A woman said through the phone. "It's Meg, I'm a nurse at the hospital. Ben got called into an emergency surgery. He's not sure when he'll finish up. It's looking like a few more hours. He asked me to tell you how sorry he is, and he promises to make it up to you."
"Thank you for letting me know, Meg. Please tell him not to worry, take care of his patient."
"I will."
Hours passed and still no sign of Ben. I get it, he's saving lives and I love that he does that, but it still sucks that he's not here tonight. It got late, and I started dozing off on the couch. I decided to call it a night, go to bed.
This really sucks. You always think relationships are so perfect and so easy, but there's times that make it really difficult. I know he loves me, and I know it's his job, his passion, but man is it really hard that he wasn't here today.
The next morning I woke up and found him in bed with me. I got up and went to work, letting him sleep in. I also wasn't sure what to say, I'm still kinda upset about last night.
***
***Ben's Point of View***
I woke up to an empty bed. Alex must've gone to work. God, I really screwed up. I had no choice, I was called in. I mean, I guess I could've said no, but the doctors on call were already swamped. Still, I feel so bad about it.
I went to work, not getting home till late, past 8.
"Hey." I said when I walked in.
"Hey." He said. I could tell he wasn't super happy with me. I sat down next to him, ready to talk when he spoke. "Did the surgery go well?" He asked coldly.
"Yeah, went smooth. Patient is doing well. Look, I'm so so -" I started apologizing when he cut me off.
"I know it's your job, I get that. I know you don't plan for these things, and I'm so proud of what you do. But you were supposed to be off. Did you have to go? Was there no other option?" He sounded hurt.
"I'm sorry." I sighed. "All the on-call docs were busy, and no way was I gonna let the trauma surgeon do a hack job on the patient."
"What about any other cardio surgeon off? Couldn't one of them take this one?!"
"I, I guess. I should've said no, I should've had someone else do it. I'm sorry, Alex."
"I know you are. You know, all I wanted was to spend the evening with you. Our jobs don't have easy hours, I get that. But we were supposed to set this time aside for each other. And that really hurts, you keep putting work ahead of us, of me."
That hurt. "It's my job, I do it because it's what I'm good at, it's what I've done for years. School and work, that's all it's been. It's my job, it's my life. It's all I have!"
I realized what I said too late, the look on his face showing that. "I know how much your job means to you." He started softly. "But I didn't realize it was all you have. I thought you had me, too. But I guess you don't see it that way. I guess I'm not as important to you as I thought, as important to you as you are to me." He got up and walked to the door, grabbing his keys. "I need to go out for a bit." He opened the door and left.
I can't believe how stupid I am. I made a bad situation even worse. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose Alex. But how can I prove that to him? I mean, I don't want to give up my job. I could do more research, but surgery is what I love doing, love working on and improving and innovating.
Tears are streaming down my face. I just don't know what to do.
I decided to distract myself by cleaning. The house is clean, but can always do with a good dusting. I cleaned the entire first floor until everything was spotless, giving up on doing the next floor. I plopped onto the couch, giving up on distracting myself.
I pulled out my phone and started to text him. No, give him space.
I opened the photos app, scrolling through all of the cute, ugly, and random photos of Alex and me, or just Alex.
I reached photos over a year old, back before we were dating. Were we better off as friends? I mean, we're so different. Maybe we should go back to being friends, if he even wants to be my friend after this.
Of God, what if we can't be friends after this?
No.
We aren't breaking up. I don't want that, I don't think he wants that. What am I thinking? We are a team, we always work through things. How can we work through this, together? We're meant to be together, we are not supposed to be just friends. We have to sit down and work through it.
I mean, I want to, but will he? Oh God, I really hope so.
I decided to go upstairs and take a bath. I need to calm down, I'm going crazy. I think I'm even shaking, like physically trembling right now.
I undressed and got in the tub, the water perfectly hot, almost too hot. I brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around my legs. I soaked in the water, rocking back and forth slightly. I'm not sure which filled the tub quicker, the spout or my tears. My eyes clenched tight as I let go, the sound of my sobs bouncing off the tiles.
"Ben?" I heard a knock on the door, scaring me. It's Alex. "Can I come in?" He asked.
I wiped my eyes quickly and splashed my face so I didn't look like I've been crying a lot. "Yes, come in." I answered him.
He opened the door, and as he stepped in I turned to look at him. He put the toilet seat cover down, sitting on top of the toilet set across from the tub. "Do you want a towel or anything to cover up? I mean, only if it makes you more comfortable." He offered lovingly. He looks like he's been crying, he looks sad.
"You've seen me naked before, I'm fine, thank you. You can join me if you want." I paused before correcting myself. "I mean, you can just sit in here with me, not in a sexual way." I shook my head at how awkward I sounded.
"Sure." He stripped out of his clothes and joined me in the tub, sitting on the opposite side. "I'm sorry I walked out. I shouldn't have left."
"I understand why you did, you don't have to apologize for that. I'm sorry that I hurt you." I said, matching his level of calm. "I'm sorry for standing you up last night. And I'm even more sorry for what I said earlier." I couldn't hold back a tear as I choked up. "I didn't mean to say my job is all I have. That's so far from the truth, you are the most important thing to me. You. You are my life, all I have."
"I know that, it just really hurt hearing you say otherwise." His eyes searched mine for more answers. "I need that affection, I'm scared of being alone in this, I never want to feel like we're slipping away."
"I know. I'm sorry. I never want you to feel alone in this, cause you're not." I decided to open up more than I ever have with him. "You know my parents were both surgeons. I grew up in the hospital. When my parents died, all I had was this house and the hospital. And at first, being here was too painful, so I threw myself into my education and then into my work. I'm so good at what I do because it's all I had left. I've gotten so good at being alone, ever since I was young. And then I slowly made friends and this place started feeling less cold... And then when I met you, this place finally felt like my home again. I haven't felt that in so long, it feels so good." I sighed, tears streaming down my face. "The point is, I'm no longer alone. I know that. I have to adjust my priorities. I shouldn't - I don't want to put work first. I want to put you and us first. I'll step down as head of cardio, I'll move into research and do less surgery."
"No. I won't let you do that, you've worked so hard, you deserve your position and you are in love with surgery, I'm not gonna take that away from you."
"I don't know what else to do though. I love you more than anything else. I choose you, I pick you over everything else."
"We'll find a balance, it'll take time, but we will do it. We'll start by clearing one evening a week to be date night, just me and you, spending time together. We'll figure out more as we go." He scooted closer to me, grabbing my hands and holding them in his. "It's you and me, we're a team."
I shook my head. "When you left, this place felt cold again." More tears started falling down my face."I'm so scared of losing you, of losing what we have."
"That's why I left, I couldn't bare the thought of losing you, either."
He pulled me to him, pushing himself back against the tub wall and letting me rest my head upon his shoulder.
"I'm so scared of losing you, too. Thank you for telling me about your parents, about this place, and your past. I know it's not easy for you." He kissed the top of my head.
"Are we okay?" I asked him bluntly. "Cause I don't want any issues unresolved. I want to make sure we're good, make sure our feelings are all out there..."
"We're good, Ben. We're better than ever, and we have plans on how to better ourselves and this relationship." He strokes my back softy with his fingers.
I wrapped my arms around his torso, clutching onto him so very hard.
"Now, lets dry those eyes of yours." His thumb wiped away the tears under my eyes.
"Yours aren't so dry either." I smiled up at him.
"They're better now..."
We laid in the tub for so long, not moving, wanting to remain as close to each other as possible. I love his chest, I love laying on him like this. I think I even fell asleep for a brief moment, which is not safe to do in a bathtub, but I felt so safe and comfortable in his arms.
"Let's go to bed." I said.
"That sounds great."
"And tomorrow, we're going on that date I owe you." I declared, standing up and getting out. I passed a towel to Alex, and used another to dry myself off. We're both off tomorrow, so I can't wait to make tomorrow special for him.
"I can't wait, baby." He stepped out of the tub and kissed me, kissed me so deeply I felt it in my toes.
***
I woke up early, in his arms. The sun was rising, filling the room with a beautiful morning light. I tried to sneak out, but apparently he's up, his arms pulling me back towards him. "Where you think you're going?"
"To make my beautiful boyfriend some breakfast." I answered. "I thought you were still sleeping."
"I've been up for a while. Enjoying watching the sunlight trace up your beautifully soft skin." His finger traced up the side of my arm. He kissed my neck, nestling his head there.
"Here I was thinking I'd wake up before you for once. Let me go make you breakfast, stay here." I tried to get out again but he, with little effort on his end, managed to keep me in bed.
