Free at Last

"How are you doing, Nikolai." Henstridge asked.

"Good, I guess."

"You and Clark are getting along?"

"Yeah, he's been really great."

"No fights since you moved in?"

"Nope."

"None at all?" Henstridge didn't seem to believe it.

"No no fights..."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that there haven't been any fights." Nikolai snapped.

"No problems at all?"

"I didn't say that."

"yes you did."

"I said we didn't fight." Nikolai smiled. Henstridge sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"Okay, please clarify."

"It's hard. Being in the same house as him when I have these feelings for him. Especially knowing that he feels the same." Nikolai picked at his sore wrists.

"Does he hit on you a lot?"

"No, well at least not on purpose. We both flirt with each other but we make sure that we don't go to far."

"Uh huh." Henstridge thought for a moment. "So theres a lot of sexual tension."

"Yeah." Nikolai shifted uncomfortably.

"Do you want him, sexually?"

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"Just because, It feels... strange."

"That's common after being raped. You're just trying to protect yourself." Henstridge explained.

"Can you please not say that word?" Nikolai sighed.

"What? Rape?"

"Yes, that." Nikolai snapped.

"Why are you uncomfortable with that word?"

"I don't know, I just am." Nikolai crossed his arms.

"You're going to have to accept what happened to you eventually." Henstridge said.

"I know, I know." Nikolai looked down at the floor.

"I think you need to open up to someone besides me."

"Like who? The only one I see daily who is older than ten is Clark." Henstridge stared at Nikolai silently.

"No. I'm not doing that."

"Why not? Has he given you any reason not to trust him?" Henstridge asked.

"No! He's nice and he's gentle and patient and beautiful and more than I des-" Nikolai closed his mouth and stared out the window silently.

"More than you deserve?" Henstridge finished for him. Nikolai stayed silent and closed his eyes to try and stop the tears from falling. He nodded silently.

"Nikolai, you know that you deserve to be loved. Clark loves you. And you know it. Don't you?" She asked. Nikolai covered most of his hands with the long sleeves of the black wool shirt he wore. Instead of speaking he just nodded silently again.

"You do know it. Then why are you having such a hard time accepting it. He wants to treat you right, Nikolai." Henstridge said.

"I know!" Nikolai finally spoke. A few tears fell from his eyes and he blinked them away. "I know." He said quietly this time. "I want to accept it but... It's so hard what if he- what if I..." He eventually threw his hands up in exasperation.

"I know this is confusing Nikolai. It will get better. How are the medications working?" Henstridge changed the subject. Sensing that she was pushing too hard.

"Okay I guess." Nikolai shrugged.

"Any side effects?" She asked.

"Uh, yeah. Some nausea and a bit of insomnia." He said.

"How bad on a scale of one to ten?" She asked.

"The nausea..." He thought for a second. "Seven? Maybe eight?" He said. Henstridge wrote something down and nodded.

"And the Insomnia?"

"Maybe a five."

"Okay, well we'll see if you adjust anymore. Let me know if it gets any worse and we can try changing it up a bit." She capped her pen. "I think that's enough for today." She said. Nikolai nodded and stood, slipping on his jacket.

"I will see you next week." Henstridge said.

"What? But we meet three times a week." Nikolai stopped at the door.

"I think it's only necessary for us to meet once a week now." She smiled. Nikolai gave a bright smile and was about to leave before he turned around.

"I just want to let you know that just because we're seeing each other once a week now doesn't mean I don't love you just as much as I did before." Nikolai said.

"Which isn't much. You couldn't leave without your sarcastic remark could you?"

"Nope." Nikolai smiled and walked out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, how did it go?" Clark opened the door to his truck for Nikolai.

"It was okay, I guess."

"Did you talk to her about the side effects of the antidepressants?" Clark asked as they drove out of the parking lot.

"Yeah, she said she wanted to see if I adjusted anymore. And if they got worse then we could try something else." Nikolai told him.

"Good, I'm tired of finding you up at four a.m. watching cartoons." Clark nudged him. Nikolai scoffed.

"I'll have you know that Spongebob is VERY therapeutic."

"Right." Clark laughed. Nikolai sighed and leaned his head back. Before he knew it he had drifted off to sleep and only woke when Clark set him down on the couch.

"Wha?" He sat up.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you up. This is the first time you've slept in a few days." Clark frowned. Nikolai laid back down on the couch and sighed.

"I've slept."

"Laying there with your eyes closed doesn't count." Clark chuckled.

"Uh huh." Nikolai said, with his eyes closed.

"Nuh uh." Clark bent down next to his ear and whispered the disagreement.

"Mhm." Nikolai said even quieter.

"Nuh uh." Clark said, in just under a whisper. Nikolai was now fast asleep and snoring softly. Clark was amazed at how tired the young man was. He scooped him up again and carried into the guest room where Nikolai was staying. He laid him down on the bed and took off his shoes before bringing the thin blanket over him.

"Sleep tight." He whispered before shutting out the lights.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Happy birthday." Nikolai smiled as he stepped into Clarks room.

"I didn't know you cooked." Clark laughed as he sat up in bed.

"I don't, but that diner down the street does." Nikolai smiled. Clark laughed and let Nikolai set the tray of french toast onto his lap.

"Man this smells awesome, you got my favorite." Clark danced in the bed.

"I hope so."

"You know you didn't have to do this." Clark said.

"I know. But I wanted to." Nikolai shrugged.

"I can't believe you managed to carry it in yourself."

"It was not an easy task and I think that's my lifting limit for the rest of the year." Nikolai sat down. Clark could see the sheen of sweat on his forehead and it reminded him of all the work Nikolai had to do for something as little as bringing in a tray of food for Clark's birthday.

"Thank you." Clark smiled. Nikolai returned the smile and gestured for him to eat. After the meal Clark sat in bed for a little while longer, but when he finally got out of bed he saw the house was completely clean.

"Damn. I should've let a suicidal Russian queer move in with me sooner." Clark laughed.

"The day isn't over yet. I still got more surprises." Nikolai was struggling with his shoe laces.

"Need some help?" Clark asked. Nikolai sighed.

"Please?" Nikolai blushed, he hated asking for help. Clark bent down and tied the shoe and fixed the other one that was loosely tied.

"Thank you." Nikolai said.

"No problem. So where are we going? What we doing?" Clark asked. Nikolai smiled mischievously.

"I'm not sure I like that smile." Clark grimaced.

~~~~~~~~~~

"You didn't."

"Oh I did."

Clark stared at the sleek black motorcycle and the two helmets sitting on the bike. Nikolai walked over to the bike and leaned on it gently.

"So?"

"You didn't." Clark repeated.

"Oh I did." Nikolai said again. He stepped away from the bike and behind Clark. He pushed him towards the bike and Clark shook his head and laughed.

"I cant believe you..."

"Enough of that. Lets ride." Nikolai smiled. Clark got onto the bike first and started it. He let out a low moan when the bike purred to life.

"Damn, I miss that." He chuckled. Nikolai sat behind him and strapped on his own helmet.

"Are you sure you can hold on?" Clark asked him.

"I'm sure." Nikolai almost couldn't be heard over the sound of the bike. He hugged Clark close him and leaned onto his strong back.

"This is my first time on a motorcycle." Nikolai laughed. Clark chuckled and Nikolai could feel it through his back. They took a few practice laps up and down the street slowly. Once Nikolai understood how the bike moved Clark went out onto the open road.

"Where are we going?" Clark asked Nikolai when they stopped at a light. Nikolai gave him directions but didn't tell him where they were going.

They arrived at the beach and Nikolai pulled Clark off of the bike and into the small cafe that sat near the sandy shore.

"Oh my god this is amazing. How did you know about this place?" Clark asked, as he bit into his burger.

"My ex and I used to come here." Nikolai said. His heart stung whenever he mentioned the man.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine. If I couldn't handle it I wouldn't have brought you." Nikolai gave a slightly crooked smile.

"So what else do you have planned for this oh so special day?" Clark asked, hoping for more.

"That's for me to know, and for you to wait to find out." Nikolai nibbled on a fry he stole from Clark.

"That was mine." Clark faked a pout.

"Well now it's mine." Nikolai put the rest of the fry into his mouth.

"Thief."

"Weasel." Nikolai corrected.

"Oh so now you're a weasel?" Clark laughed.

"Charmer." Clark rolled his eyes and scooped the remainder of his fries closer to him.

"Sharing is caring." Nikolai frowned.

"Then I apparently don't care." Clark stuck his tongue out.

"I beg to differ. I see how you look at me, you care a lot."

"That, my dear sir, I do." Clark smiled. Nikolai returned the smile with a lot less enthusiasm. Clark noticed that as he recovered he became less and less enthusiastic about life. He had no general opinion on most things. And smiles and other emotions seemed to be just for Clark's benefit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a short walk through the beach-side town, Nikolai and Clark sat on a sandy hill. They watched as the sun began falling below the sparkling blue water.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" Clark smiled.

"Yeah." Nikolai said, unconvincingly.

"Something wrong?" Clark asked, when he saw Nikolai looking out at the sunset with something that was almost anger.

"No." Nikolai said and stood up and brushed the sand off of his jeans.

"We should get home." The drive home was quiet and uneventful. It was clear that something was on Nikolai's mind but Clark was clueless as to what.

"Goodnight." Clark said once they got home. Nikolai walked quickly into his own room, pulling off the leather jacket he wore as he went. He didn't exactly slam the door, but it was definitely louder than necessary. Clark looked at his closed door with a frown. He wanted to help the troubled man, but had no clue how.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'God, how could I be so stupid?' Nikolai thought as he threw the jacket into the closet. He quickly took off the gloves that he wore and pulled off his shirt. The now exposed scars itched for attention. He quickly pulled off his belt and threw it on the floor of the closet with everything else.

'You cant do anything right.' he thought to himself. He sat on the bed and sighed. After a minute of holding his head in frustration he laid back on the bed. He ghosted his fingers over his forearm slightly. He thought for a minute before sighing. He reached over to his bedside table and picked up the thin rubber band. He quickly put it around his wrist and snapped it. It wasn't even close to what he really wanted.

'Take a rubber band and snap it around your wrist any time you feel the urge to hurt yourself.' She had said, handing him the boring brown band. He snapped it at least fifteen more times and growled in frustration. He curled his arms close to him. He turned onto his side and curled into a ball. He began drifting off to sleep.

He awoke later and looked at the clock.

3:00 a.m.

He sighed and buried his head in the pillow again but it was no use, he wasn't going back to sleep. He stood and pulled on a pair of pants before walking out of the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clarks eyes snapped open when he heard the noises from outside. He sighed and looked at the clock.

4:15 a.m.

"Jesus, Nikolai." he muttered before standing and making sure the string around his sweats was tight. He looked into the living room and sat that all of the lights were off. He moved around into the kitchen and saw Nikolai sitting at the table. A knife lay in front of him and he held his arms close to him.

"Nikolai, what did you-"

"I didn't do anything." Nikolai said quietly.

"Jesus, don't scare me like that." Clark said, he walked over to the table and saw the blank stare on Nikolai's face.

"How long have you been awake?"

"A little over an hour."

"You've been sitting here staring at a knife for over an hour." It wasn't a question.

"You wouldn't understand." Nikolai held his forehead like he had a headache.

"Then explain it to me." Clark sat down next to him.

"I can't," Nikolai said. "Unless you've been there you'll never understand." Nikolai said. Clark thought for a moment.

"Then teach me, oh great tutor of mine." Clark picked up the knife and put the sharp end on a random part of his arm. Nikolai looked at the knife and back up at Clark.

"You're insane." He muttered.

"Says the guy who was staring at a knife for an hour." Clark sighed and stood, putting the knife away.

"Didn't your shrink give you that little rubber band trick thing?" Clark asked.

"It's like having a cigarette when you want meth." Nikolai glared at him.

"Oh." Clark sat silently.

"Come on, lets go watch some T.V." Clark pulled him up from the chair.

"What? It's four a.m. Go to bed, I'm fine." Nikolai shrugged off his comforting touch.

"No, you're not. I'm not going to just leave you like this." Clark said. He pulled him into the living room and down onto the couch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clark woke and saw Nikolai in the kitchen making breakfast.

"Morning." He said from the couch. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's okay." Nikolai didn't look up from the eggs. Clark walked over to the kitchen and watched him silently.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Clark asked. Nikolai paused and sighed.

"I don't think I can do this." He said quietly, he almost couldn't be heard over the sound of the eggs frying.

"Not alone, you can't. But I'm here for you, Nikolai. I can help you." Clark said.

"No you can't, no one can." Nikolai turned around and Clark saw the tears in his eyes.

"Yes I can, if you let me. Please, Nikolai." Clark got off of the table he had been sitting on and hugged Nikolai to his chest.

"I can't do it." Nikolai sobbed into his chest.

"Yes you can." Clark squeezed him tighter. "I know you pretty well by now Nikolai. You're strong enough to beat this." Clark pulled him away so he could look him in the eyes. Nikolai cried quietly for a minute.

"Will you help me?" He finally said, in almost a whisper.

"Yes." Clark hugged him again. Nikolai loved the comforting feel of his arms around him. His body screamed yes while his mind screamed he didn't deserve it.

"The eggs are burning." He pulled away from Clark. He wiped the tears from his eyes with one hand while he put the eggs on a plate.

"I think you should go talk to Henstridge today." Clark said.

"Our appointment isn't until next week." Nikolai said.

"Call her and make one, she will squeeze you in somewhere. I honestly don't think you're ready for once a week sessions." Clark said. "Do you?" Nikolai shook his head quietly.

"I want to be." He sniffed.

"I know, and you will. Just not now." Clark said. "You don't want to rush things."

"I know." Nikolai said.

"Go call her, I'll finish breakfast." Clark took over the cooking potato's.

"Thanks again." Nikolai said, and left the room before Clark could answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clark heard the door open and shut as Nikolai returned from his appointment.

"How did it go? Feel better?" Clark asked. Nikolai gave a small smile and nodded.

"Come in here for a sec." Clark said. Nikolai walked into the kitchen and saw Clark standing next to one of the drawers.

"I moved stuff around. This drawer now holds every sharp object in the house. Scissors, knives, tools, the works. Removing temptation from the room, yeah?" Clark smiled.

"Thank you." Nikolai said.

"You're welcome. It's locked, and I have the only key. If you need something just ask. Does that work for you?" Nikolai nodded.

"Come on, I made sandwiches." Clark sat down at the table where two plates of sandwiches and chips sat. Nikolai sat down and looked at the man who had taken him in. He had let a stranger move into his house, eat his food, and watch his daughter when he was working. He was one of the few people who cared for Nikolai.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"What are you doing?"

"Getting ready, I have a job interview in forty-five minutes." Nikolai said, as he struggled with the tie around his neck.

"I thought you already had it."

"No, I went to go see Ana." Nikolai looked up from the mirror, without pausing with the knot in his tie. "She misses you."

"I know, I was planning on going to see her tomorrow."

"That's good."

"I'm really glad you're there for her when I can't be, it means a lot to both of us."

"Don't get all sappy on me big guy." Nikolai untied the crooked knot for the fifth time.

"Hold still." Clark laughed and stood behind Nikolai. He tied the knot perfectly on the first try.

"Bastard."

"It helps when you can feel your hands."

"Shut up." Nikolai glared at him in mock anger.

"What job are you trying for?"

"There's a math teacher position available at the junior high down the street." Clark tried to stop the laugh that boiled forth with a cough but didn't succeed.

"What?"

"Its just that you..." He paused.

"What?"

"You're you. You're a sarcastic angry gay man who is recovering from a suicide attempt. Do you really think the best job for you is teaching essential skills to impressionable children?"

"Shut up." Nikolai glared.

"I didn't even know you went to college." Clark laughed.

"Of course I did. You can't have a face like this without brains to match." Nikolai paused. "Well you can, that just makes you..." Nikolai paused again. "Yeah I got nothing." He shrugged and stood up straight, making sure his jacket was straight.

"You're losing your touch."

"I could have come up with something. But I'm too lazy." Nikolai walked out of the room.

"Are you insane?"

"Little bit." Nikolai threw over his shoulder as he shut the front door behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"How did it go?" Clark asked the second Nikolai stepped through the door. Nikolai glanced at the clock. 11:58

"You waited up for me?"

"Yeah, I wanted to see how it went." Clark smiled and got up from the couch.

"You should have called. I went out for a drink after the interview." Clark shrugged.

"It's fine. Do you always buy new shoes at a bar?" Clark pointed down at the shiny new shoes. Nikolai glanced down before looking up.

"Yes."

Clark laughed and pulled him inside.

"So, celebratory shoes. Things went well?"

"I think so."

"Did he ask about what happened?"

"No, but I told him. He said it shouldn't affect how the interview went."

"That's great, I'm happy for you. I'm taking you out to breakfast tomorrow." Clark stood up, pulling Nikolai up with him.

"I'm off to bed, see you in the morning?" Clark pushed Nikolai to his own room.

"Eh, I'm not really tired. Think I'll stay up a while longer." Nikolai sat down again.

"Nikolai." Clark frowned.

"Really I'm fine."

"No you're not." Clark pulled him up again, this time leading him to his own room.

"What are you doing?" Nikolai asked, as he was lead along by Clark.

"You're not just staying up, come to bed with me." Clark pouted.

"Clark we talked about this, I-"