Forget To Remember Ch 02 1

My head hurt. My blush was hot enough to dehydrate me. There was so much variety. I was afraid to keep looking but also afraid to wimp out and leave. Wait, was that one shaped like a...a fist? And hooomagawd who could fit something as big as THAT in...

I feel the panic and subsequent shame overtaking me. Why the hell had I thought this was a good plan? What demon possessed my head to think that stopping by a sex shop on a Saturday afternoon to gaze at lube and dildoes was the path to my future dating success. This wasn't me. I barely had a sex life. Ok well, to be honest isn't that what made me eager to make the drive out here?

I'm not a virgin, kinda, well, not really. I am a little ashamed to admit that at 26 I had been with just three boyfriends, none of whom I chose to go all the way with, and one awful hookup where I quickly lost my virginity, when I was 19. Gave it the old college try by way of a huge party, a friend of a friend who was known to be free and easy with his dick and almost a case of cheap beer between us. It still stung to know he was done in less than ten minutes. It hurt, it was awkward, I didn't get off and the whole thing seemed like a waste. The guy seemed ok with my effort, at least he said thanks and left looking decently happy in any case. What was his name, Matt or Mike or Mark maybe. God. It's terrible I couldn't remember, and it's one of my few regrets.

Anyway he was the first to take me and the last, as it was not super enjoyable. It wasn't like I thought I should do the taking, no that wasn't the issue. Thinking about my first time made me feel a bit broken, like I should have felt more or better or excited, but I hadn't. My few boyfriends after that never made it past the blow jobs level of intimacy before things fizzled out. Saying I was inexperienced and green on matters of sexiness and lovemaking was award winning in its simplicity.

Which brings me this warm Saturday to Danno's Sex Emporium. Where I had driven in hopes to push myself into being braver, bolder, and ready to throw myself onto the altar of gay sex. Worshipping Officer Kells from head to gorgeous damn toe.

My heart was racing, I felt more embarrassed looking at the products arranged for display than any out gay man within four years of thirty should. I wasn't ready for this. For craps sake I couldn't even hold a conversation with the man, yet here I was attempting to unlock the secrets to wild passionate fucking with his golden body in mind.

Still, wasn't it was absolutely cringeworthy to think I'd ever come close to fucking him since so far all I'd done was act like a soppy fool, twice, then run away. Yeah it was cringe inducing. Go home. Shit. No. Wait I can do this.

Ugh who was I kidding. I didn't even know how to ask for what I wanted. Why was I even kidding myself about this adventure. It was time to head back to safety. I turned and nearly bowled over a couple who could have been my grandparents which wow I did not want to think anymore about that in my haste to exit the store.

I nearly broke the sound barrier in getting to my car, only to stop at the door, patting my pockets. Where were my keys? My searching grew more frantic with a dawning realization. Oh please no, and I lean forward to peer in to the window with dread.

Shiny keys dangle from the ignition, catching and throwing the sunlight's reflection around the car. This cannot be my life. This week has already been a week to rival a fucking Lifetime movie script and yet here I am, standing in the parking lot of a porn shop, keys locked in the car and no way to reach my spare set because they were locked in the house. A house that no one else could get into because the only person I had any amount of trust in was Maris and her set of keys were on my kitchen counter still, since I had just replaced the old brass front door lock for a more stylish brushed nickel.

How could things get any worse?

Let me tell you how things could get worse. As I'm slumped defeated against my car, I'm contemplating banging my head on the frame until I can knock myself unconscious and get away from the dark comedy that is my life. I look up at the sky and the stormy clouds building. Super. Now I can either go back inside Danno's land of 1000 blushes or stand here and get soaked. I feel tears filling my eyes and start blinking rapidly to fight them. I'm not one to insist men never cry, but the parking lot of the local sex shop seems like an unwise choice of location to have a breakdown. Maybe if I call Maris to get me I can break a window or something to unlock my condo. Whats a broken window in the grand scheme of things? After all, it's already the pinnacle of worst day ever.

And then I hear a car pull in and the tell tale whoop noise of a police car siren activated briefly. Baby Jesus in the manger, if you've ever loved me please please please don't let it be...

"Car trouble Joshy? Or is there something else going on here"

I hear his deep voice inquire from behind me. Really baby Jesus, really? Not cool.

I steel myself as much as I can and stand up straight before turning to acknowledge the gorgeous man whose face and body haunts my daily routine.

"Hey Officer Kells. Great day out today right?" I smile as winningly as I can. How can I salvage this?

He eyes me with suspicious concern.

"I've driven by twice in fifteen minutes. I thought that was you. Tell me why you're out here lurking next to what I assume is your car in the parking lot of a sex shop. I don't want to have to give you a ticket for loitering. And you better not be soliciting either." he finished his speech with a low growl and a narrowing of his eyes.

"Oh my God no" I exclaim, my horror evident in my face and tone. I scuff my converse at the ground and haltingly tell him how I'd locked my keys in the car but the spare set is locked inside my home and no one else currently has a key to my place. I feel the level of unsexy dweeb rise around me into a halo of shame

"I see" my handsome cop smiles at me and I forget to breathe, staring into those eyes.

"Good thing I know how to pop a lock wide open" he continues, with a suggestive look and a light laugh at my continuing discomfort. He squints into the rapidly disappearing sun, slaps the roof of my car and turns around to walk briskly to his patrol car calling back in a tone thick with double meaning.

"So let me open you up really quick then Joshy, before you get soaked"

I watch his ass flex under his uniform as he moved.

Damn. Ok then. We will NOT be repeating the spazfest of last night. Josh you gotta man the fuck up and take a chance.

Officer Kells is back with some sort of thin weirdly shaped tool and in less than a minute my car door is open.

"Wow. That was impressive" I'm staring at the ground by now, unable to look up at him when he is so impossibly close. I can smell him and his intoxicating manly scent so I plunge on, before I lose the courage I've scooped up with both hands.

"So, hey. Kevin. Can I...Can I buy you a drink? Um. Now I mean? You know. To thank you. For, um.. for helping me."

Ok. Not the smoothest. My face is making a weird expression isn't it. Ugh.

"No. No I don't think so."

His face looks regretful and that's really all I can process before a wave of sharp pain hits me right in the chest and I find the next breath I need is stuck somewhere behind the cold wall of shame suddenly lodged inside me. Of course not, I knew it was implausible. Josh you idiot. You are seriously stupid. Why would someone who looks like Thor went to police academy want you?

I stare at the cracked blacktop of the parking lot, and up over the roof of my car, at the lurid neon sign for the sex store which is a flashing beacon in the quickly dimming afternoon light of my utter failure to be desirable. I try and look everywhere but him, and he is still too close to me right now.

I wish he would hurry and leave. I feel an epic cry coming and the less witnesses the better.

"Hey. Josh?" I hear his voice, which sounds softer than it usually has been. He pushes my chin up with his left hand, so our eyes meet. Which is mortifying because fucking damnit I'm letting loose of tears.

"You can't buy me a drink but only because I'm on duty till 11pm. But I'd love a text from you to tide me over until then, when I can get drunk off your sweet lips and maybe feel that tight body underneath me..." his voice trails off into a growl.

If I close my eyes again, I might wake up in my bed to start my Saturday. Because this is obviously a dream. I test the theory, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. When I open them, oh.

He's still here.

"I. You. Um I'm...I don't usually stay up that late."

What. The. Hell. Did. I. Just. Say. At least I hadn't run away yet. Though, right now, it looked tempting.

He barks with startled laughter.

"Damn you're a cute one Joshy. Ok. Well if you don't stay up that late then I guess I'll have wait to see you in the day. That is, if you want to see me?"

He asks with a playful confidence likes he isn't one of the universe's greatest creations that I'm all too eager to explore. He goes on charmingly.

"But Joshy, I will need your number. Want to give it to me?"

And hell yes, yes will I give it to him. I'll give him whatever. Even apparently my self respect, as I suddenly realize I'm leaning towards him, lips parted and flush with desire, while standing in the parking lot of a porn store with a massive cockstand just from talking to the world's hottest cop.

I'm feeling the punching of my heart against my ribcage, desperate to be here in his gaze and also to be anywhere but here with my desires so known.

CRACK. BOOM.

I'm saved from making a decision by the impending arrival of the epic downpour heralded by the dark clouds. As the droplets start I scramble to back away from him and get into my car. Before I can shut the door though, his hand blocks its closure. In it is a small rectangle.

"Ok you win. I'll make it easier. Here's my card. My cell is on the back. Why don't you call me, pretty one?"

His eyes sparkle and yes, he is so hot I swear the rain steams off him. I take it, and he grins at me before running back to his patrol car, as the rain really starts in earnest.

I sit watching the rain run down my windshield for a long time after he drives away. My life is suddenly full of unknowns and I have no idea what I should do, only what I want to do, and I'm really unsure if they're the same things. I look at his number, scrawled in pen across the back of the card. Should I do this?

Maybe not. But I fucking will.

**********

But not then. I spent a lot of time looking at the card. It never left me, either in my hand or in my wallet. Which did absolutely nothing constructive for me. The rest of my Saturday was quiet. I managed to tackle the grocery Sunday, feeling like a fool as I drove to the one two neighborhoods away. I was utterly useless. I wanted to see him, truth be told I was a bit desperate to see him. But I knew I couldn't handle this feeling or his magnetic presence yet, not unless I had control. I wouldn't have control if he snuck up on me in the cereal aisle. So, as had become my signature move, I ran away. And bought my foods in a place I wouldn't expect to see him. Regretting it every second, but also being happy about successfully avoiding him. Maybe I needed a therapist, not a cat.

In any case. It's been a few days. I've had his card since Saturday and it's Wednesday now. I want to call, I do, I want him. And now I know he wanted me, however implausible that fact was. So, tell me why I was laying on my couch, staring at his cell number written in now smudged ink trying to work up what my move was going to be at 9:46 pm 4 days after he gave it to me. Maybe he's forgotten about me. After all, it's been 4 days and he is such a golden dipped piece of art. He doesn't need to wait around for indecisive boring test administrators. He probably has a line of men, interesting sexy men, waiting to get his number.

Even so, I decide to text. Yes, that won't be as nerve wracking as calling. He won't be able to see me, or distract me with his gorgeous body and butterscotch voice until I lose my ability to speak.

Ok. Well, here we go. What should I say. I start and delete a message several times. Oh for craps sake Josh, just say hi and tell him who you are. I chewed on my lip as I composed a greeting to the contact I've entitled Officer Goodbody.

J:hi Kevin. It's Josh. From the car situation Saturday. You gave me your number?:

Ok. That is ok, simple. Bland. It says what it needs to I guess. I stare at the screen for an embarrassingly long time and taking a deep breath I push send. Now I wait.

After about half an hour I'm getting nervous. Maybe I put it off too long. Or maybe he's working, he's a cop, he isn't off at 5 every day ya know. I felt myself starting to panic. I really wanted to talk to Maris, but for the first time part of me didn't. It's like I was just now realising that my inability to flirt and date was something I needed to address, inside myself, and not expect someone else to fix it. What's more, dreaming of Kevin and his storm cloud eyes, I felt like I could finally fix it. Maybe.

Sure when he looked at me I was terrified and nervous but I also felt something new. Desired. He looked at me like I was something delicious and rare. It wasn't just a lusting gaze, I'm inexperienced but not stupid, it was somehow more. Like he saw me, truly seeing, and he still wanted it once he had a glimpse. I felt with an alarming certainty he wanted to be my audience. Just remembering his eyes and his face, and Jesus that uniform had me getting hard. Thinking of how those tiny dark shorts were barely containing him at the store, I felt my breath coming more quickly. Well at least I can keep busy while waiting to see if I'd gotten the brush off.

Walking to my bedroom I pull my jeans and bikini briefs off, I climb on my bed and lay back ready to enjoy the ride. I pull my right leg back and set my foot into the edge of the mattress and run my hand down my stomach and across my thighs. My cock is waking up and taking myself in hand I let my desire take the lead. I picture Officer Kells and his massive chest muscles taut under his uniform in my mind's eye as I rub my thumb across the slit at my rosy engorged tip, hissing as I shudder with pleasure. I use the pads of my fingers to tease myself, drifting them up and down the shaft before lightly squeezing the base. I get the lube from nightstand, smoothing it over my 6 inches while pretending it's Kevin's hand, with his sculpted muscles leaning over me, caressing me and teasing me to an achingly hard erection. I bite my lip and hear myself whimper as I start to stroke fast, twisting my palm over the head at the end of each pass. I've never wanted anyone the way I want Officer Goodbody. I yearn to touch Kevin all over, to lick the salt from his golden skin, run my hands across his chest, and sink into his arms kissing and sucking until we rise from blazing orgasms like a phoenix of sexual satisfaction. I'm thrusting wildly into my hand vividly imagining touching him, tasting him, being filled by him and I feel my thoughts unravel. I reach new heights in my release, spinning out over the edges of the universe, my eyes rolling back. Loudly shouting I feel my dick become a bar of velvet covered steel that jerks and leaps in my hand. My cock erupts with lava, shooting onto my stomach and chest, while I hear the echo of my passionate "KEVIN" ring through my bedroom.

I close my eyes and pant softly. I am melted butter. I'm so relaxed, like nothing could possibly faze me now. Maybe I should have texted him after my playtime, but speaking of that, maybe he's written back. I push up off my king size bed and head to my bathroom to clean up the evidence. I'm trying to keep my hopes behind a firm reality check, but my imagination is still working overtime after my jack off session starring officer Goodbody and I am eager to pick up my phone, hoping to see he's texted me. After throwing on some aqua eurobriefs I retrieve my phone from the living room. Picking it up I feel my breath catch.

: 2 new text messages:

: 1 missed call:

Oh hell yes! Oh, wait now what?

I don't know what I'm feeling. Excitement and regret collide in my mind. I walk back to my room, drop down to my mattress. My head is crowded and confused, all I can think as I lay naked on my missed sheets is a looping thought of hoping I haven't made a mistake. I'm feeling every minute tick by. I open my messaging app again, read the two texts for maybe the ninth time in the last half hour since I'd reached a Kells shaped heaven by way of my right hand.

OG: Well hello Josh. I'm glad you texted me:

OG: Is it too late for you to talk? I seem to remember you turn in early

;):

I read them again. I'm almost shaking with nervous excitement. My body crackles with energy. It is late, by my standards anyway. Its nearly 11pm, then again tomorrow is Thursday and we don't open at the testing center until 10am. I don't need to be up super early. And I feel entirely too keyed up to sleep anytime soon. Can I talk to him this late? Should I? Does everyone but me stay up this late? Why am I such an old woman. Wait. My memory triggers, it's almost 11pm and I wonder if that means he's almost off shift?

I take a deep breath and watch my fingers tremble as I tap out a message. This is a new me. A chance to be bold.

J: Hey. No I'm not sleeping yet:

Taking a deep breath and praying this doesn't blow up in my face I follow with a new text immediately

J: I am in bed though:

Shit. That sounds so, well-slutty. Who am I channeling, Jonathan??? Maybe I shouldn't have written that. I'm acutely aware of every second and I feel close to passing out. This was a stupid idea. There's a chirp from my phone and I look at the screen

OG: pretty and knows how to rev an engine. So joshy, were you planning on sleeping soon?:

I laugh and find myself picturing Kevin on a motorcycle, thighs framing the seat and gunning the engine. Not bad, Not bad. I feel almost relaxed right now talking with him, yet at the same time also like I'm at the top of the first run of a massive roller coaster. I feel the possibilities stretch out in front of me. Taking another deep breath I let my fingers fly over the screen.

J: no, I wasn't planning on sleeping. Yet. What are you up to this late, besides flirting?:

I am locked between feeling proud at my previously unsuspected daring and scared that I'm doing it, whatever it was, wrong somehow. I liked him, maybe he wasn't a knight in shining armor, but maybe I didn't need one. I wanted to join the fun Maris kept describing to me, and I'm tired of being in the shadows. I think I might be anyway. I drum my fingers against my bare thigh and minutes go by. I start second guessing what I wrote. Shit. Did I sound desperate?

Ding

OG: oh good. So we are flirting. I was hoping you'd catch on. Are you blushing yet? hope so. They make you more delicious:

I can't believe what I'm reading. Delicious? Me? I've never thought myself like that. I'm a bit taken aback that he does, but I feel this surge of want run through me and I know I'm not backing down. Not yet. Ok then Officer Goodbody, let's play.

J: keep saying things like that and maybe one day you'll get a taste:

I push send and immediately feel the flush cover my face and down my chest. I look at the phone in my hand, feeling like these fingers don't even belong to me, they can't. What was I doing? You're trying to get a ticket to ride from Officer Goodbody. Duh. Oh my sweet gay gods show me mercy and favor. I wait, pent up energy making my whole body quiver from head to toe.