I kept telling myself there was nothing wrong with me, I had a serious girlfriend and the feelings would pass, but they did not. During my many sleepless nights, all I could envision were those hard bodies, tight asses....and those cocks. Over and over I found myself jerking off with those images in my head, imagining myself doing things that were completely foreign to me at the time but were so erotic and arousing. Afterwards, I would always agonize over what I had done but there was no helping myself. My only thought was, if I fantasizing about this, did it make me a fag, a queer, a degenerate? What I was doing, even in thought, was counter to how I was raised and was not acceptable on any level. I knew would be ostracized not only by my friends but likely my family if I acted on the impulses I was feeling.
Needless to say, I was in total denial mode about what I was experiencing but found myself going down that same rabbit hole almost every night. My mind would stray against my will. My cock would become instantly hard at the thought of touching another man's naked body, imagining the heat as our bodies pressed together, touching an engorged cock and yes....wondering what it would taste like if I were to take it into my mouth. The delicious feeling when I closed my eyes imagining a man's lip sliding up and down my own rock hard shaft. There was even curiosity about fucking another guy's tight ass or being on the receiving end. Would it be similar to fucking my girlfriend? I remember vividly the headiness and indescribable lust I felt each and every time---my only release from the torture was when my cum sprayed across my stomach and chest. The ecstasy of the moment was always followed by guilt and self loathing. I repeatedly told myself that I was going through a phase and it would pass but you know the answer......I craved it more and despite the guilt I knew I would experience I only yearned to make my fantasies a reality.
I was at my wits end. There was no one to turn to for advice. No one that I felt would understand what I was going through. Also, there was no other boys, or men, I knew that I might hook up with in order to end this torture. My two year relationship with my girlfriend was suffering and I found it hard to look people in the eye for fear they would see through me and know my secret. My solution was to push myself to the limit every day in hopes I might get some release from the double edged sword I was wielding----my lust and my self disgust for feeling that lust. Little did I know that I had a understanding person closer to me than I could ever imagine. Someone who had, and still was wielding the very same sword as myself-----enter Brad K......my savior, friend and my first male lover.
Again, I had just wrapped up school at the end of my junior year and was set to spend my summer days working on my uncles' farm. God how I miss those days! I was informed by my uncles, though, that they would not need me quite as much as past summers as their own boys were coming of age to be of more help. They recommended that I ask their neighbor Brad if he could use a hand on his place. I immediately drove over to his farm, walked into his shop, asked if he had a place for me and the rest is history.
