I could not contain the gasp that escaped my lips. God, it was beautiful. The sun-kissed body; the intricacy. It took my breath away. My fingers caressed the length of the fingerboard and I melted. The glossy words splashed across the head of the guitar, 'Hummingbird'. I looked at him, at a loss of words. He simply smiled and took me in his arms. He kissed my temples as my body melded against his, and I whispered, "Thank you". I could feel his joy and satisfaction. He turned to me, about to say something when his eyes suddenly went wide, fear and panic shadowing the previous contentment. He clutched his chest and made a gurgling sound and collapsed to the floor. Oh God. Oh God! What was happening? I sprawled across his chest, wild with anxiety as his body twitched rigidly.
I woke up screaming for him not to go. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I looked at the empty side of the bed; the side where he once slept. It has been two long, painful years since Dan was gone; taken away from me in the cruellest way. I looked over at the Hummingbird True Vintage which sat quietly on the stand across the bed and recalled the last moments with him. Pain swelled in my chest as I curled up and cried.
*
Dan and I had been lovers. We met in University. Being in totally different social circles, it had me believe that our meeting was pure fate. I was doing music major, specialising in acoustic harmonics and song writing, while Dan was studying law, whose faculty was right on the opposite end of mine. It was one day of random strolling from the restlessness plaguing me that sent me walking to the other end of the campus; right into Dan. I couldn't explain it. We merely walked past each other but the urge to look back, to see that face, was overwhelming. When I turned, I realise that he stood rooted, staring at me as well. I blushed and offered him a shy smile. He beamed. He walked over to introduce himself and chatted. Somehow we ended up in a café, where we talked for hours, leaving each other contacts before parting. Things blossomed from there on. We quickly fell into the habit of meeting everyday between breaks, chatting all night before turning in, going out on days free. Our friends soon knew each other and both circles had always hinted at our getting together.
I swear I'll never forget the day Dan said he loved me. I couldn't believe it. Oh, I wished and I hoped. I wanted it for a long time. Now that it has happened, it occurred to me as surreal, but Dan easily appeased me. We moved out to an off-campus apartment and everything was bliss. We soon graduated and moved to another city to set up our lives together -- me as an apprentice in a record company and Dan in a law firm. We had our disagreements, but things always ended with a make-up fuck -- from the smallest things like quarrel over my sloppiness to the bigger things such as finances. We were happy.
Especially when I was officially accepted into TopHits, my company, as a part of the music arrangers and writing, things fell into place. Dan was overjoyed and bought me the guitar of my dreams. Gibson Hummingbird True Vintage. It made me so happy. And then it happened. Dan suffered a cardiac seizure. It came out of nowhere. Dan had always been fit and healthy. He had a strict control of his diet and worked out in our gym regularly. I couldn't reconcile with the fact that he was gone. Just like that. His family was supportive of me, although they were also coping with Dan's passing. They treated me more like family than my parents had. Mara, my sister, was also there for me. They all dropped in to visit me often, even till now. It was them who kept me from being totally undone.
I had considered moving away to protect my sanity, to another city, where the cafés do not remind me of Dan and I cuddling over coffee, talking of our dreams, where the streets remind me of us walking hand-in-hand, where the house remind me of us together, passionate and loving. But I couldn't bear to leave. I could not bear to throw what little hold I had left of Dan away. So I was killing myself slowly. I drowned myself in work, which resulted in my career taking flight, but I spent my time in our home reliving the memories of us everyday, while feeling hollow and lonely inside.
"So how is it going?" Kelly, one of my colleagues and closer friends in the company, asked, gesturing towards the sheaf of papers I had been doodling on.
"It's almost done. I just have to get the final touch-ups." I replied, holding up the sheet of paper, examining it, pushing my glasses from slipping down.
Kelly plopped into the chair next to mine and took the paper from me, looking through it. I stared at her. Kelly came in the company a year or two later than I did, but was highly talented. She was attractive: long, thick brown hair framing her oval face, eyes of colour of the Caribbean Sea complementing her fair skin. Her personality was like her nickname, Sunny, which in a lot of ways, reminded me of Mara. Since Mara was clear across the country from me, I thought of Kelly like a younger sister to me.
"Yea, I'll say it's pretty much done." She smiled. "So it's time for you to get off your butt and go have some fun!" She tugged me off my chair. I squeaked.
I plucked my glasses off and rubbed my temples. "Kelly, you know I..."
"Yea, of course I know. All the more I should get your ass out. How long are you intending to stay in your shell for?" She knew about Dan. She was empathetic, but was vehement that it was high time I should move on.
I sighed. I knew I would give in to her, but I put up one last fight. "I... I'm a little tired from working all day, Kel"
"Who isn't? That's why we're going down to the club to unwind! It's Friday night, for fuck's sake!"
I looked at her pleadingly and she returned mine with an extra puppy-dog effect. I was so lost. Reluctantly, I nodded. Kelly skipped and tugged my arm, clearly happy that she had finally got me to break out of my funk, even superficially.
I sat amidst the crowd, feeling detached. I hadn't been to a club since Dan was gone and being here now was unsettling. The only saving grace was that Kelly was with me, along with Paul, Kelly's fiancé, John and Ellie. I nursed my bottle of Budweiser, peeling off the label, trying to distract myself from my obvious unease. Kelly jabbed me by the ribs. "Relax! Don't look like someone stole your kidney! Lighten up and have fun! We're here for you; you know that, don't you?" I glanced up to see all three others nodding in agreement. I pulled a smile on my lips, muttering that I will try. The night wore on and some hopefuls came to chat me up. A handful of them were cute, no doubt, but I couldn't bring myself to accept them. My heart was still mourning and it felt like I was betraying Dan.
I looked across the dance floor blandly as Paul joked with them about the time while he was crushing over this girl in high school. Dan. Oh God. Dan. I shot up and my body went rigid. Dan. I ran across the dance floor and followed the figure. Dan was here. I knew I was delirious. I had to be crazy; Dan was gone, it couldn't be him. But I so desperately wanted to believe that it was him I saw; the face so achingly familiar and handsome.
I went straight up to him and grabbed him by the shoulder. He turned and looked at me with a startled look. No, it wasn't Dan. He looked nothing like Dan. My face crumbled and he tilted his head to look at me, clearly puzzled. "You ok?"
I was embarrassed. I nodded. "Yea. I... I'm sorry. I thought you were... someone I knew."
He nodded in understanding, still considering me. "I know it's none of my business, but you sure look like you need a breather. You wanna go to the café down the street?" I nodded before I could stop myself. Too late to say no now. I stammered, "Give... give me a moment. I... ah... I'll go get my things and let my friends know."
I stalked back to my friends and grabbed my guitar case by the corner. Kelly and Paul looked at me curiously, then behind me. Kelly beamed. "Leo! You're here!"
I stared between Kelly and the guy. "Leo...?" He smiled at me. "Erm, yea. We didn't really exchange our names. I'm Leo." He regarded Kelly and Paul awkwardly, "Hey, Kelly, hey, Paul." He gestured towards the exit, "you ready to go?"
I nodded, not daring to look at Kelly. I was sure she was grinning like the cat that just eaten a canary. I scurried off with Leo who seemed as anxious to leave as I was. We headed to the café Leo was talking about. It was the café near TopHits. I had been there a few times, but most of the time Kelly was the one who bought lunch for me there. The scones and muffins were good, and I loved their coffee. Leo guided me in and he bought me coffee and scones, exactly the way I liked it.
"How did you know?" I asked.
