I turned into the narrow entry and followed a solitary, small sign pointing towards a black door. I was nervous, but as I stood outside searching for the courage to push the buzzer, I knew there was no turning back. I had come this far. Searching for saunas in my area on the Internet, I found the phone number of one and called to check opening times. I knew that if I walked away now I would not forgive myself. I stared at the door, then pushed the buzzer. Imagining a scene from the movies, waiting to enter some underground members only club, I broke into a nervous smile. I tried the door but it was locked. After what seemed an eternity the door was opened and I sheepishly entered a new world.
If I were to define my sexuality, I would say bisexual although straights would call me gay and gays call me confused. I wanted sex with male and female, preferring neither. I wasn't confused; I wasn't experimenting or trying to 'find myself'. That I had done years before. My first gay encounter came while a teenager, some twenty-five years earlier with an older boy I knew well. I enjoyed the experience and wanted more but for some years never took up my desires. I was nervous of acting on these desires, remaining somewhat frustrated. In the meantime I was involved in heterosexual relationships but none ever lasted. I had confided in a couple of close friends but to most of the outside world I was a typical straight guy. Behind the facade I secretly desired the love and intimacy of another man.
I completed the formalities at the front desk.
'Please fill in this form, but you don't have to put your full name' said the assistant.
I wrote my first name and hometown, received a membership key ring and a towel. Within seconds I was through the reception area and into the locker room. I scanned the deserted room lined with countless small grey lockers. Checking the number on my key ring, I quickly found mine. Shit, I was nervous as I kicked off my shoes placing them inside the open locker. Nobody had entered the room as I started to undress. Instinctively I turned my back as I lowered my pants. Laughing at myself realising that in a few minutes I could be in an embrace with another man, why would I hide his manhood like an embarrassed teenager?
I pulled the towel around my waist and walked through the door on the other side of the room. The area was dimly lit and I adjusted my eyes for a brief moment. To my left were the showers and hanging my towel on a nearby radiator, I entered the open showers. I had, of course, taken a shower at home before, but this gave me an opportunity to view the area without standing in the middle of the large room like an idiot lost. Further on there was a hot tub on the left and a small pool on the right. I could see two men in the hot tub, the pressure bubbles bouncing around their bodies. The pool looked less appealing and was empty. I soaped himself thoroughly watching the few people present mill between the hot tub and the sauna room at the far end. I felt uneasy, a voyeur invading these people's privacy, but we were all here for the same thing, I just had to find the courage.
