"What other gay haunts in town have you been to?" Theo asked as they waited for their food.
"None, when we moved here we were too busy with work to go out clubbing and by the time we'd got ourselves established we didn't have the inclination."
Their food arrived as he finished speaking, he'd played it safe with a veggie moussaka and green salad -- he hadn't been eating regularly or well since the split with Claudia -- while Theo had opted for a lamb tagine with saffron rice, it all smelled delicious.
As he took his first forkful Adrien noted that he'd avoided any mention of his ex being female. Should he confess? What was the etiquette around such things? He chose to say nothing for now, if the subject came up he'd be honest -- he hoped.
Theo was proving to be good company as they talked over their food, there was nothing overtly 'gay' about him, he was dressed pretty much as Adrien himself would normally be when enjoying some down time - smart casuals, which Adrien had to admit seemed to be covering a pretty hot bod. He stood two or three inches taller than Adrien's own six feet with a fairly athletic build, short brown hair and hazel eyes that crinkled at the corners when he smiled, which, unlike Adrien of late, he did a lot. Adrien surmised he was probably fortyish so around five years older than himself.
"Do you visit any other gay bars?"
"Occasionally, but this is the best in town to my mind, I don't do seedy and most of the others are to some degree."
"Yeah, that's what I thought when I checked their websites, this looked like the best place for my one-drink sorrow-drowning. Actually that's not right exactly I'm not particularly upset about the recent break-up I think I'm more perturbed by the realisation that maybe I'm no good at choosing a partner."
"Then don't, well not for a while, have yourself some no-strings fun."
"That's never been me either, I think I'm what's termed a serial monogamist, sleeping around's not my style, never has been."
"Then you've just disappointed about half the guys here," Theo chortled, "trust me when I tell you that they've been checking you out since before we moved to the pool table.
"Oh," Adrien took a gulp of his drink in the absence of anything to say.
What he couldn't see was the look on his own face, it was the wide-eyed look of an animal that had just become prey. Theo took a long hard look at Adrien and realised something was 'off' in his demeanour, he desperately wanted to fit in but didn't know how.
"Ade is this your first time in a gay bar?"
He was about to reply with the lie he'd practised about having been to bars in other places then suddenly decided he'd been lying to himself long enough he wasn't going to do it anymore. He took in a deep breath letting it out in a rush as he nodded his head.
"I would've asked if you're out but as you've been in relationships it's a moot point."
"I'm not," Adrien muttered looking down at his plate.
Theo, who'd been lounging back in his chair sat bolt upright not daring to believe what he'd heard, or at least the implication of it.
"That must've been tough, having a partner and having to hide it," he'd taken the obvious gay option but was far from certain it was the right one.
"I didn't have to hide it," Adrien continued to address the table.
Theo considered what Adrien was trying to say,
"Your partners they were women, yes?"
"Yeah," Adrien sighed.
"Hey, you're not the first, won't be the last, to go down that road. Family, career, society, all of them can make us hide who we are."
"All of the above."
"Does your ex know, is that what caused the split?"
"No to both."
"But now you're ready to come out?"
"Baby steps," Adrien huffed, "I'm not that brave."
"Rules and boundaries, if I ask something you're not ready to answer it's a pass, if I stray into unwelcome territory the safe-word's red. Ok?"
"I hadn't expected to be doing this, in fact I was about to leave when you spoke to me, that's one hell of a pick-up line you've got by the way."
"Got you talking though," Theo chortled, "by the way I still don't have your answer."
"That would be because I don't have one."
"Well as your retort pointed out it doesn't have to be an either or."
"Having tried none of it I wouldn't know."
Theo was glad he hadn't been about to swallow either food or drink, as it was he'd had to supress a startled exclamation with a cough. Even straight guys, a fair number from what Theo had learned, had indulged in, often drunken, fumblings with other men but Ade had inferred he hadn't even done that; his mouth watered at the thought.
"I think I'm about to ask a red-light question due to straying into unwelcome territory," Theo began.
"Don't bother, we both know what it is and someone was going to twig or ask eventually may as well get it over with. The answer's no, I've never dared act on my inclinations, no porn, no chat rooms, absolutely nothing."
Adrien tipped back his head staring at the rococo style ceiling, blinking furiously, Theo noticed that his companion's hands had become fists around his cutlery the knuckles white with tension; he wanted to do something or say something to help the younger man.
"Ade we've all been where you are and it feels fucking awful. For me it felt like betrayal, like I'd been betraying myself for years, I'd betrayed all those who thought they knew me; I almost drove myself insane in the run-up to telling my wife. God but I loved that woman, still do. I was terrified of seeing the look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes knowing I was the cause of her pain. But if I'd said nothing she'd still have known something was wrong, I'd started taking anti-depressants, didn't even have the guts to tell her about that for months. I used the stress at work excuse she simply accepted that my libido, or lack thereof, was a consequence of that. I'd have been an utter bastard to have made her live a lie she didn't even know about any longer. The one consolation I have is that being with me didn't stop her having a family it turned out neither of us could."
"Bloody hell," Theo thought silently, "where had that come from?"
Only his two siblings and their parents knew that much about the ending of his marriage; at the time he'd made it plain to all and sundry that he wouldn't blame anyone for setting their sympathies with his wife and he'd meant every word. It had taken a year but eventually his ex-wife had written to him telling him that she'd come to have a better idea of the turmoil he'd been living with and finally that she bore him no grudge. She'd signed it with best wishes, it was one of his most treasured possessions. He waited, hoping his words would bring some comfort to his companion; when Adrien finally lowered his gaze Theo saw that his cheeks were surprisingly dry but there were definitely tears in his eyes.
"At least I didn't have to go through that it must have been awful. I saw my ex with another man I told her I had a couple of days later. She said the fact that I couldn't even be bothered to get angry about it hurt her."
"I know it doesn't seem like it now but the worst truly is over. You've faced your fear. Doesn't matter what happens next at least you've let yourself know the truth."
Theo looked at their half-eaten food,
"Tuck in before it goes cold. If he's in a good mood the owner can sometimes be persuaded to part with some of his own blend coffee. I'm not much of a desert fan but I do appreciate a cracking cup of coffee after a decent meal, especially one taken with good company."
"Or to make up for the lack of it," Adrien retorted, stabbing at a perfectly innocent salad leaf.
"Ade I will always be your first," Theo smiled as Adrien's eyes widened and his face flushed at what he thought Theo was implying, the older man held up a hand to stop him speaking,
"The first person you told I mean and that was never going to be an easy conversation to have."
Adrien's mouth formed a perfect 'O' before he too smiled,
