Figuring It Out 2

A long, long time ago...at the dawn of the 1990's...

"Where did, uh, James...go..." I regretted the words as I walked into the room. It was a logical enough question, as his car was furiously peeling out of the driveway. But even before I finished the sentence, I saw Billy's body language, and the fact that his mother's eyes were red rimmed and glistening.

"Well. He went off to go fuck his mistress, so it's just us for the weekend."

Billy had told me all this would happen, before we arrived. But that didn't soften the blow to his mother, which she obviously also had foreseen. Billy was tense. I suppose even if you're aware of your father's infidelity, it still has a particular bite when it plays out in front of you in plain sight.

"Uhm. Anyone want something to drink...Ma'am?" I started backing out of the room, "Billy?"

"No, I'm good."

His mother was staring at me. Sadly. "Wait." she said.

She wiped her eyes, closed them, and composed herself. I'll remember that moment for as long as I live, because that's the first time someone I wasn't fucking, saw me for who I was and accepted me.

"John." She got up and took my hand. "I'm sorry you had to see all that."

"No problem, Mrs. Kaye."

She increased the pressure on her grip. His hand was warm and dry. She was looking at me directly in the eyes. "No mother wants to know anything about her child's sex life..."

This evoked a mortified "MOM!" from Billy.

"...and I'm no exception, however..." She looked down, furrowed her brow and searched for the right words. Which, as I was to learn in the future, were pretty straight to the point. "Listen. I want you and Billy to live like adults this weekend." We were both in college. "You're over 18, technically," she looked over at Billy. "...you're men." Billy winced and pinched the bridge of his nose. "So, this weekend, we don't have to bullshit around about who you are to each other..." Those words hit me like a hammer in my chest. I was stunned, but darted a glance at Billy, whose face froze in shock. "Don't give me that bullshit about how you're best buddies."

"Mom..."

"...Or how you basically lived with each other for the last three years, because you were..."

"MOM."

"...What did you say... incredibly compatible roomma - "

"MOMMM!!!"

She focused her eyes on Billy. "I've known you were gay since you were a child. I loved you then, and I will always love you no matter what.... Unless you kill someone in cold blood, then I'll have to reevaluate." She said these last words as tears formed in her eyes. Billy's chest started heaving. Everyone in this goddamned room was about to start cranking out the waterworks. She went to hug Billy, who shuddered. He was hyperventilating lightly, and I started to back away.

"Nope." Mrs. Kaye said through her tears. "Come here." She held her hand out to me, and I slowly approached, feeling tears of my own right under the surface. I hugged them both and was flooded with a considerable amount of emotion. My knees shook. It was making me extremely uncomfortable. I patted her on the back and tried to slowly pull away. She held me firmly.

When the moment passed, she released us. Billy looked like he was fucking done for the night. Or the weekend for that matter. But Mrs. Kaye had some surprises for us.

"Ok. Boys. I'm going to leave you alone this weekend. Just pretend I'm not here." Billy cringed again.

"Mom."

"No really, the time to myself would be nice."

"Mom."

"Boys," she stammered, choking back tears.

"Jesus Christ, c'mon Mom." Billy hugged her.

"Boys. Go out. Have fun. And when you wake up, I'll make breakfast for you two, ok?"

"Mom..."

"Go." She gestured forcefully. "Out!"

We went.

Pt. II

Billy was understandably glum. He barely said anything. He barely looked at me. His eyes were hollow. I decided to reach for his hand, but then remembered we weren't back in the Village. My hand dropped back to my side. Billy noticed.

"I think we're ok out here." He said, not making any move with his hand towards mine. I just let mine stay at my side, occasionally brushing his as we walked. He was aware of that too. "I know a place we can go." We turned corner after corner in this seaside town, until we were off the beaten path. My nerves started acting up. I don't like being in unfamiliar places after dark. But Billy led on in an unconcerned manner.

"You, ok?"

"Nope. Nope. Not ok. Not really ok."

I nodded. I didn't want to say something like, "Jesus, my mother would've thrown us both the fuck out if she thought we were gay..." I didn't want to make this moment about me.

"I'm sorry dude." He said.

"It's cool man."

"No, no. It's not. I'm sorry you had to be front seat for any of that." I felt a little sad when he said that. As if the implication was that I wasn't important to him enough to be a part of his life. I stayed silent, but, like a good pseudo-boyfriend, he picked up on what I was thinking. "NO." He looked at me. "It's not like THAT. It was just a super emotional moment - 'cuz that's the first time we've ever articulated

his

affairs to each other. It wasn't cool to involve you in that."

I raised an eyebrow. "That's, uh, that's what you're thinking about right now?" I started to laugh. "I mean, you're Mom just outed you - "

Billy held up a hand and looked down, shutting his eyes tight, and shaking his head. "I have NOT." He stopped. "...NOT processed that yet!" I started laughing and patting him on the shoulder. He kept shaking his head. "What the fuck." He said. "What the fuck."

"Here." He said, motioning with his head to a non-descript building displaying a small, weathered and faded. Pride flag sticker. We entered, and when my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I noticed we weren't in Kansas anymore. Men in various stages of undress, sobriety, and sexual engagement.

"You know what you need to turn that frown upside down? You need some cock."

I sighed. "That's your answer to everything, isn't it." I feigned boredom, but the reality was, Billy was fucking hot. 21, solid, lithe frame, taut but fluid muscles, perfect flat abs tapering into a v-line into a patch of soft brown hair and a 7" cock.

After paying a "club membership fee", we bellied up to the bar (where an ominous "no alcohol on premises" sign hung) and ordered beers. They arrived sweating, and I eagerly swallowed mine. Cool, sparkling, golden liquid that I was determined to keep drinking until it drowned the existential pain of my sexual identity and the pain it takes to hide it from everyone, except for Billy and apparently, Mrs. Kaye.

Billy was absorbed in looking at the tableau of carnality unfolding around us. This is what later would be referred to as a "safe space" - but not one for only nurturing emotional comfort, but for allowing us to play out and express our lust. Shouldn't that be a human right? To enjoy yourself? To enjoy someone else's body without reproach? I looked around. There was a lot of fellatio, lots of rimming, and a couple guys fucking in distant corners. Billy put his arm around my waist. It was comforting. But the conversation with Mrs. Kaye loomed over me. I hate being gay. I hate it.

I leaned into Billy, allowing myself a physical posture and display of affection with a man that I would never do in public. Billy was the one who broke down the barriers for me and was definitely ready to live out in the world. I wasn't.

His hand slipped down to my ass, and he grabbed it, massaging it gently. He kisses my neck, and I involuntarily flinch. "Sorry." I say.

He signs, "You gotta relax man." I don't say anything. I want this, but part of me rebels at it. We've been going out a long time, and I have gotten better at being comfortable in my own skin, but I'm not totally there yet. I have an unhealthy amount of fear and neuroses.

He kisses my neck again and puts his hand on top of my head, exerting a slight pressure. This is our schtick. I'm supposed to give him a blowjob now. I laugh, "Ok. Keep your pants on. Or don't." I know he's doing this to push my boundaries to get me out of my comfort zone.

I get down on my knees on the bar floor. There's sawdust, but my bare knees are on a sticky patch. I unbuckle his belt, unbutton and unzip his shorts and slide them to the floor. He's wearing high-cut men's briefs. Some black, satiny material. His cock is long and thick, and I take a moment to kiss it through his underwear. I nuzzle against it as it grows harder and starts to fight against his briefs. I pull them down slightly, exposing his beautiful, bulbous head. I take it in my mouth and start to drool on it. It's so big and fleshy. I could spend all night sucking on it alone. I pull his underwear down the rest of the way, and his large cock springs out. This is the part of the porn video, where the actress' eyes widen comically and she gasps. I've seen it many times before, but I still feel in awe of it.

It's perfectly shaped with a nice fat taper at the bottom. It has bold thick veins, and smaller thinner ones that branch out as if it's a muscle flexed by a body builder. I grab the back of his muscular thighs and put my mouth on the head in preparation for getting this beast in there. A girlfriend once told me that "good cock is a prison", and she's right. I think I'd go nuts if I had to part with this thing. Good thing Billy is a nice guy. (Most of the time.) I get my mouth over the head, and like usual, my breathing is restricted. I force myself forward, taking in as much of the shaft as I can, and try to control my breathing. I gag a little as I open my mouth wider and concentrate on my tongue under his shaft.

I've had other cocks before Billy, but those were scared, furtive, fumblings, without much time to relax and think about what I was doing. I feel like I have a good start and start pulling my self onto his cock. It now hits the midpoint over my tongue. I imagine there's a slight hump, and I have to get that cock beyond it. Billy is patient.

I steel myself for the next go, and force more in. Finally, I surmount that resistance, and it hits the back of my throat. I can't keep it in here too long - but I know there's a little more to go. We aren't done until my nose is in my pubes and my tongue is licking his balls.

I take a moment to rest, I try to enjoy the scent of his crotch - but this is no time for that. I have a mission to complete. With a final struggle, I get it all in. I can feel my nose against his groin, and my tongue on his nuts. I gag and have to get it out.

I wrench my head backwards and with a cough, and sputter, I pull it out. There is applause at this. I'm on my knees in the middle of a barroom floor, my saliva dripping down my chin, connected to Billy's cock by a long, thin, drooping string. I'm surrounded by various men, who are smiling at me, and patting me on the back.

"Alright man. C'mon. You're not done".

Billy pinches my nose, and my mouth involuntarily opens. He plunges his cock in - not all the way - and starts pumping back and forth. I know Billy, he could do this for hours. I wouldn't mind either. I love having his cock in my mouth. I love being used. I'm even enjoying doing it in public. "Good whore...good whore..." he mutters...

Soon, his body tenses, and the inevitable occurs. He floods my mouth with his sweet cream - and despite my struggling and gagging, holds it in there until he's done. I love this shit.

Once he finishes, he pulls out and slumps on his barstool. There is wild cheering, and I feel hands pull me up, and grope me. "Hang on boys." Billy says, "Let's give him a rest. You can come back later."

We've discussed opening up our relationship but came to the conclusion that casual sex with other partners would destroy our trust, and lead to a shit situation. The look in his eye right now is telling me he's reconsidering this. We've been together for a couple years now. We've been faithful to each other, but I don't think either of us were planning beyond the next day. We' re in college. What are we going to do, get married, move within commuting distance of the city, get jobs, adopt, divvy up the household chores, a kiss in the morning and off to work? Neither of us is contemplating that.

"Are you thinking about that conversation we had at Odessa?" (a favorite restaurant)

"Yeah." He looks glum.

"Let's try it."

He's trying to hide his excitement. "You sure?"

I'm not, but what the fuck. It could mean a long, slow unravelling of our relationship. Nothing is forever. Whatever happens, happens. 'Cuz let me tell you, there are some amazing cocks and bodies here. My inner-slut speaks out of my mouth. "Fuck it. As long as we do it together, ok? It'll be fine."

He nods his head, feigning thoughtful consideration. "Ok."

We both turn and scan the bar. There's a couple big, beefy bears at a corner table eyeing us. I stand and take my beer. I nod my head towards the bears. "C'mon man." I grin. "Let's go."

T_IR