May, 2024
I got a text from my old pal, Evan.
- Coming to Tulsa for some mtgs. Can I see you? -
- Absolutely!!! -
- FYI, I'm in a relationship. -
That was disappointing news. Deflating, actually. Just the thought of seeing Evan had begun to get me aroused.
- Congrats! Will he be with you? -
- No. Just me. Wanted to be clear. -
- Message received. Can't wait to see you. Can I cook you dinner? -
- You can always cook for me. LOL. -
_____________________
September, 2012
Evan and I met in a quaint tourist town in the Ozarks. It was an art haven with healing springs and a surprisingly eclectic music scene that attracted hordes of tourists. It was also very LGTBQ-friendly and many of the most prominent citizens were gay or lesbian, even trans.
Evan had just moved to town. He was only 38 but had already aged out of his position as a dancer in the San Fransisco Ballet Company. From what I understand, that is a cruel and competitive business and, unless you are Baryshnikov, it comes with an expiration date. Just as his 'best by' day arrived, Evan was jilted by his long-time lover. Doubly cruel fate. The winds of change blew him to this little town.
I was a carpenter building luxury lake homes. At 41, I had the thick muscled body that comes from decades of joyful but hard work. My approach to life was rooted in the hippie, back-to-the-Earth years that had drawn me to this mecca of healing waters. Mellow, tolerant, joie de vivre. Whole-grain goodness, I liked to describe it.
Evan started frequenting the same tavern as me at the onset of football season. We naturally gravitated to each other. Not only were we both from Tulsa but we went to the same effing High School - Go Chargers! - though I graduated a couple of years ahead of him. He was smart, funny, and gay. I was pretty smart, not as funny as I thought, and straight. We became regular bar buddies.
The tavern was crowded with tourists one Saturday afternoon. Evan and I washed up like shipwrecked sailors at one of those ridiculous high tables off to the side. Nonetheless, it had a good view of two big screen TVs so we were happy. We were probably four, maybe five beers into chatting and watching the games when he dropped a bombshell out of the blue.
"I'm rather large."
I think we'd been joking about all the husbands hiding out while their wives shopped for tchotchkes, so you can understand my being taken by surprise.
"You mean your thing?"
"Yes," he laughed. "My 'thing' is rather large."
"Okay." Fortunately, the bar was loud enough for this to be a private conversation. Still, I scrambled for context and strained my brain for something relevant to say. "Well then, is it otherwise aesthetically pleasing? I mean, well-proportioned and pleasing to the eye?"
"At the risk of sounding immodest, it is very appealing."
"Immodest? Evan, you blew way past immodest a while back."
We both laughed but he shook his head in exasperation as if I had missed the obvious subtext. I couldn't imagine he was coming on to me so I was left without a clue. "Is there a point to this rather shocking factoid?"
"I don't know. I'm just feeling dejected and unappreciated, and I'm unloading on my straight best friend. All I'm saying is I have my attributes."
"Sorry you're feeling that way, Brother. I appreciate you." I meant it and gave him a sympathetic pat on the back. He probably wanted a hug but it seemed we were tiptoeing in an emotional minefield. "And I don't get it either."
"Get what?"
"How you can still be single. There are dozens of gay guys in this town."
"It's not that easy."
"Okay, here's what I mean ... You are a beautiful man."
Evan blushed a bit and gave me a quizzical look. "That is not what I expected to hear from you."
"What? Okay, I'm straight. We both know that."
"Your heterosexual bona fides are well established."
"But I've got eyes and you are objectively a great-looking guy."
He blushed crimson but waved my compliment off. "I don't feel that way anymore. I just feel lonely and like I'm getting old."
I signaled to our harried waitress for another round of beers. "When you get a chance, Em."
I shot Evan a look of disbelief. "That's crazy talk," I said. "You've got this amazingly athletic dancer's body. I mean, what are you, six-one? I bet you could toss a ballerina around the stage like a rag doll. I mean, how are you not the hottest item in town?"
"I don't know. I've gone out with several guys but I haven't met anyone who is engaging. You know? Someone I could just hang out with and talk about ... whatever. The gay scene here is very provincial and weird."
"It does seem oddly dysfunctional."
Our beers arrived. "Keep them coming, Emily, it's one of those days." She smiled and gave a thumbs-up.
Evan had settled into a funk. He whispered, "And you know what my best feature is? My ass. I've been dancing since I was eight. That's thirty years. And I've got a great ass."
He got to his feet and stood close to me, looking out at the crowd, very nonchalant. "Go ahead. Give it a feel. No one will notice."
"I'm not going to feel your ass!"
"Go on. It's not a gay thing. I just want you to understand."
I looked around to see if anyone was paying attention. Then, my hand very discretely made its way to his backside. I lightly surveyed the contour of each cheek. Several times, actually, for the sake of accuracy, and tested them thoroughly with discriminating squeezes. I admit, it was impressive. "That is a stellar tush. And I assure you, I've assessed many tushes in my life. It's very supple and firm. Like I said, objectively beautiful. Also, smart and funny and kind. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with the gay guys in this town."
"Thanks, Marc. Those are kind words. It's just ... honestly, I just feel so lonely and unappreciated sometimes."
"I appreciate you, man." I gave him another sympathetic pat on the back as he sat down. "Where's Emily with another round?"
He perked up after that. Sometimes you've just got to say things out loud. Get things off your chest. The football games were good. Emily kept the beers flowing. We were having a great time but there was something stuck in my mind.