In early June, 1984, Dwayne had just started his summer break leading into his Senior year at Colorado State. It was a Friday, late afternoon. He should have been prepping for a night on the town, but instead he sat sulking with the TV remote in his hand on his couch in his 2nd story 1-bedroom apartment. He knew the summertime programming wouldn't interest him or distract him from his unfulfilled dream of finding a man. Not any man, mind you. The Man. It seemed an impossible task.
He ran down his formidable checklist of required attributes. He had to be older, mature, big bellied, handsome faced, physically imposing but tender and affectionate, mutually attracted, proximate and available. He ran the odds and guessed each person he encountered would have at best a 1 in 100,000 chance of qualifying fully. That would mean there were maybe 3 possibilities in the whole of Fort Collins. He had played with a few big boys on campus out of desperation, but they were just that, boys. He needed a real man.
He thought about how easy it seemed for the guys he saw at the gym to just hook up on a whim. He had fended off many offers from non-qualified candidates there. He sat the remote down and held his head in his hands and mentally condemned himself, "Why do you have to make this so hard?"
Just then, as though in response, he heard a booming laugh in a bass register followed by a distinctly familiar West Texas drawl through his open window. He recognized the responding voice as that of his middle-aged, downstairs neighbor, Janis. He was drawn in. He slipped out his door and peered over the rail.
His heart jumped. As best he could tell from above, the man below matched all his physical criteria at first glance. Without hesitation, he hit the central stairs right next to his apartment and headed down.
Dwayne emerged and headed right for him. He quickly mentally reimposed his own, previous West Texas drawl as he extended a hand in greeting. "Howdy! You sound lika 'Good Ole Boy'. What parta Texas ya from?" In his peripheral vision, Dwayne noticed Janis' quizzical look.
Dwayne's slender hand disappeared into the stranger's meaty paw. He noted 'Ham Remodeling' on the pocket of his short-sleeved denim shirt. The stranger's fully bearded face lit up at the familiar accent, "West Texas... Midland and Lubbock. Name's Ham. Pleased ta meetcha!"
"Dwayne, here." He cocked his head as they finished their enthusiastic shake, "So, Midland first and then Lubbock?"
They ran their histories and realized they had lived just 2 miles apart in Midland for nearly 10 years then 8 blocks apart for 4 in Lubbock.
Following the line of coincidences through, Dwight queried, "So, ya just visitin'?"
"Nope. Janis 'ere has agreed to let me leave my sleepin' bag rolled up and stashed behind her couch, as the song goes."
"Hell, I live straight above. Ya realize if this keeps up, wur gonna hafta move in together." Dwayne grinned precociously and did a quick, appreciative scan of Ham's body.
Ham grinned back. His eyebrows bounced and he did his own quick scan of Dwayne's wide shouldered but slender frame, noticing a significant bulge in his jeans extending to his left hip pointer.
Janis moved in territorially and clung to Ham's stout arm, glaring at Dwayne.
Dwayne took the not so subtle hint and closed with, "Well, it was really nice to meetcha, Ham. Y'all have a nice day, now" He gave Ham a two fingered salute, winked and retreated up the stairs to his apartment. His heart pounded at the thought of the definite spark between them. He wondered if he had finally beaten the mountainous odds.
He leaned into the open window to listen to the aftermath below. He couldn't quite make out the words but noted a bitter tone in Janis' hushed voice followed clearly by Ham's annoyed response, "Do ya really think ya own me, woman? After one night?"
Seconds later, Dwayne heard the stairs creaking loudly as Ham pounded up the stairs and then the angry slam of Janis' door. Dwayne opened his door with a smile just as Ham was about to knock.
"Well come on in, neighbor. Take a load off." Dwayne gestured to the couch.
Ham entered and sat as Dwayne shut the door. "Can I offer ya a beer?"
Ham exhaled a sigh, "I could surely use one 'bout now."
Dwayne crossed to the fridge for their beers asking, "Trouble in paradise?"
