Double Exposure
I silently sat looking at the pencil sketch that I had been working on for the last three sessions of an evening drawing class. I looked up at the model on the platform, a handsome young man, naked, and wondered what I was missing that precluded me from making more progress. The latest version of the sketch on my pad was not bad but the instructions that we were given specifically asked us to create something that was not a literal representation of the subject. Each time I looked at him all I saw was a good-looking young man stripped of context. He was two dimensional to me, something akin to a photograph with some added depth but it would always come to be a 'representation of the subject' each time I got further into the drawing.
The class had twelve students, and I walked around looking at their work and chatting, hoping for inspiration and clarity, it seemed like most had similar issues to me and endeavored to produce a nice sketch of the model with some added enhancements such as a loose cloth over his loins, an ancient sword at his side, and alternate facial expressions. One female student named Andi was the most adventurous in her drawing by representing the model as a bird of prey with piercing eyes focused on something in the distance. I spent some time studying her work and I asked her why she drew a bird rather than the model and she replied, "When I first looked at him, I was drawn to the intensity in his eyes and this inspired the image I drew. This is a very challenging assignment, and I found that I had to look at the subject without using my eyes per se, using instead my intuition and subconscious to create the image that I placed on the paper."
When I reflected on her words, I realized that I was trying to imagine an image of the model rather than letting the model represent something by its shape or other characteristics that inspired my subconscious to create that image. Three sessions and this is where I am.
I looked at the model again and then focused back to my sketch but this time I saw a light outline of something else. I shifted my gaze back to the model, squinted my eyes to blur the focus and began to visualize a different scene entirely, something unique although not unfamiliar. Rather than tearing the page from my pad, I decided that it would be better to modify what I had created already, leaving a light outline and shading from the original to capture the moment of rebirth, a subtle mix of old and new with the new being the primary focus in the final drawing. I spent the remainder of the session selectively erasing most of my prior work, using what remained as the structure for a new creation showing what I now saw in my mind's eye, and started again.
It took two more sessions to develop my new image to a point where I was fairly happy with it and another one to put some near-final touches on it. Andi came by a couple of times and spent several minutes studying my work and congratulated me for my interpretation before stepping away. The instructor was very impressed with the direction I took and suggested that I use the sketch as an outline for a painting someday, the only student that received this suggestion from him although a couple of others in the class said they planned to follow up with a painting on their own accord.
When the class was ending, Andi asked if I would like to join her for a coffee to compare notes about the class and to discuss the takeaway on our assignment, and I gladly agreed. We met in a nearby coffee shop that stayed open late and we sat opposite each other in a booth, and it was the first time I was able to study her eyes without me seeming weird. I remarked that it was her drawing of the bird of prey that inspired me, but she disagreed. "I don't believe that is accurate, Luis. What you finally prepared is a part of you. I could see it in the resemblance between you and the woman in your drawing. Of course, leaving the basic lines of the model that you originally drew created a vision like a double exposure on film, but it doesn't take much for people with insight to see the resemblance. In reality the young model does not have much similarity to you except for the bone structure in the final work. You removed most of the lines that would show the difference but, perhaps subconsciously, kept the work that fit the profile of both of you. Creating the image of the young woman using the underlying profile ultimately showed a metamorphosis from a young man into a stunning woman with the characteristics of both of you. You see her in your mind's eye when you free your mind while looking at the model. This is similar to how I came up with my bird of prey."
I thought about what Andi said for a moment before responding. "If I picture the model as myself and then imagine the model changing into a lovely female, are you saying that I drew a self-portrait of myself in another form? How I see myself in metamorphosis from a caterpillar into a butterfly?"
"That is a way of looking at it," she responded. "I don't believe that you realized it at the time and it required an independent third party to take an overview of the finished work to see what you couldn't."
"The final image of this woman appealed to me, and it took many attempts to get it right," I said. "Was 'getting it right' simply the exercise of removing all traces of my masculine self so I was left with a female version, an image of what I could become if I set myself free?" I said softly.
"Luis, that is the subject for another time and place if you're inclined to discuss it further," she said. "Art is a form of therapy, and it could be enlightening if you are open to it. Ah, but what do I know? I look at a handsome naked man and see a bird? Go figure."
"Yes, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," I replied. We laughed and went on to talk about the class and other things before exchanging phone numbers and drifting off into the night.
Over the next week or so I recreated the drawing on a fresh canvas in preparation for starting a painting. As I worked on it, I kept thinking about what Andi said to me in the coffee shop. Was I subconsciously creating a vision of myself that only I understood? One evening I put on pink lace panties with a matching sheer pink halter top with spaghetti straps, a black bob cut wig and alternated my view of myself in the full-length mirror that stood nearby and the pencil image on the canvas. As I worked preparing the painting I realized that Andi was right, I had become my own model and with this painting I would expose my inner female struggling to be free and begin to show my real self to the outside world.
One day out of the blue, Andi called to see how I was doing and asked if I had started work on the actual painting yet. When I said that I had and that I was making decent progress she asked if she might see it one day but would understand if I did not wish to show unfinished work. I laughed and told her that I thought of calling her to ask if she could come to my apartment to give her opinion on what I have done so far. "I'm flattered that you would ask," she said, "I would like that very much."
"Well, it was after all, your comments over coffee that helped me to understand where I was stumbling and gave me the direction that I needed," I replied. "Let me know what day suits you and I will ensure that my apartment is neat. Maybe we can go for a light dinner afterward."
"That sounds wonderful," she said. "Is tomorrow evening too soon?"
"That would be great, and I look forward to seeing you again," I responded and gave her my address.
