Disorder

Triumph

"Fuck..."

Donnie dragged the word out as he exhaled and leaned back into the sagging rear-side of the sofa, the cushions old and decrepit and in need of replacing. But there never had really been anyone around in either his life or John's to tell them that they needed to do that, needed to get on with things, the business of life and the like and there didn't seem to be anyone willing to step up to the plate either, so to speak. Well, there was Xander but he had to remember too that Xan was a friend and, by far, it was not his job to maintain things like that. The apartment that Donnie rented and John crashed in most of the time (free of rent, of course) was small but messy solely because of the computer equipment in there, for at that time he had not the space or energy to set up his own office or any kind of space that could better constrain the trappings of a coder and a hacker alike.

But a night of it, ah, that generated a specific kind of mess, a bottle of vodka set between them, something that could be shared more easily than pouring shots and doing mixers with the cheap shit, all Donnie was willing to buy at that time. He remembered too keenly when his hair grew down his back, although he still kept it rather long, because he had not been able to afford having it cut. At least John had set him right then even though the hack-job of a trim that he'd been given had rendered him something of a laughing stock, as much as he had fiercely defended it and John too for giving it to him. He had meant it in the best of ways but the ache of not having enough to get by on lingered in a biting snarl deep within his soul that could not so easily be waved off without due attention. And it was that attention that he simply was not willing to give it even as the years passed and their finances grew better and better.

That, perhaps, was not solely due to legal activities. Indeed, renting was perhaps the only legal thing that they undertook but Xander was not one who cared too much about that either. Taking a small gulp from the vodka, he made a face, used to something a little finer, something more refined, but swallowed it down anyway, not wanting to hurt or embarrass Donnie. He cared a little too much for the man, it had to be said, although not even Xan could have said just why he'd been drawn to brown-haired Donnie all that time ago in the chat room. His hacking knowledge had been, admittedly, impressive but there were many people with lots of knowledge and that in itself did not make a person special in the slightest.

No matter. They didn't have to think that night, only be.

"Long one then?"

Donnie rolled his eyes, not having much of a quick comeback at all for that one. But that was okay too and the way of it for the two of them, the hacking gig complete and, well, many, many funds from the gambling operation sluicing into their offshore account, soon to be split between the two of them.

"You know I got in first, right?" Donnie pressed, pushing what he thought was an advantage with a cocky smirk reminiscent of his brother. "You should be giving me a bigger cut than that for a show this big. So, there's nothing more to be said about having a long one, a long time, when there's spoils like that to be had from it!"

He was cute, really, but he did it in such a way that he could not help endearing himself to those around him, particularly Xander. He had surpassed Xan in his hacking, getting the casino's bank to spill its guts, so to speak, but it was Xander who led the way, a little older and still very much with a personal vendetta against gambling operations of any kind. He flinched from the memory, pushing it away, but there was no reason to go into that for the time being as Donnie grumbled and fished for a response, overly offended by the silence that Xander was so very want to present him with.

So funny...

Xander laughed lightly and put his hands back behind his head, pink hair ruffled, although the man in question did not care about something as simple as how he presented himself: it was what it was. Who cared about something like that? His neckerchief shifted a little less comfortably against his throat but he didn't care about that either as he lazily looked Donnie over, the image of him shaded and blurred through the scope and span of his eyelashes.

"You know, you look real good when you're concentrating like that. Cute, even."

Rolling his eyes, Donnie scoffed, his attention still fixed on the computer screen, scanning through lines of code as if he did it every day. With the turn that his life had taken, he may well have but Xander was not involved in it so much that he was privy to the ins and outs of every little thing. He didn't want to be either, not with John around. The thought of that man soured him a little but not enough to make him want to leave - at least when it seemed that John would not be coming there that night. And that was a good enough reason for him to hang around, to stay and shoot the breeze, with dear, sweet Donnie.

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard that joke a hundred times over," Donnie laughed it off with a wave of his hand, although the tightness at the corner of his jaw. "When're you guys going to come up with something new?"

"Does John say you're cute too?"

Donnie did not reply to that, lips pressed together as he stared resolutely before him, although he was not really seeing the computer screen at all. No, he saw another man's face, the dark hair and wicked eyes, his brother... No. Yes. No. Yes.

There was no denying it but he was not 'out' with that information to Xander as yet, even though he was sure enough that Xan knew what was up between him and John. There was nothing, of course, that he could do to hide that kind of secret but he did what he could, not really understanding it himself. Times were strange and curiously twisted and sometimes that was okay as long as one did not have to dig too deeply into them, paw through the meat and the guts for the truth of a matter that did not truly want to have itself revealed.

"Whatever..."

He muttered, eyes downcast, and then Xander's arm was around his shoulders, drawing him in close. And that changed everything, flashing him back to a time where he had been with him in another way, no fabric between them. It quickened his heart rate and rendered him short of breath, shaking his head and smiling faintly as his head spun and spun. Still young and relatively inexperienced, there were things for him too that still brought a rise of heat to his skin and his cheeks especially - like the tentative trace of Xander's fingers over the backs of his, lightly testing the water.

Quiet. There could be quiet between them too and he let it stretch out and out as he groaned in the back of his throat, a vibration and not a sound that he hoped, at least, that Xander would not cotton onto. He wasn't ready, not for the questions, and he needed more time, more time to just consider things for himself. He didn't need to do anything and yet he wanted to, the warmth of a friend turned more blistering against his side. Leaning back, Xander smiled, the cushion indented under his weight, but there was no more that he needed to do than sit and wait, enjoying the company even if it was such company that he did so like to tease.

He'd done a good thing that night. Maybe one less person now would be caught up in the gambling trap. Maybe.

"So..." Donnie started awkwardly, acutely aware of how close he was to the other man. "What are you doing with your share of the money, your cut? I mean, what are you going to use it for?"

God, did his voice always sound like that? Although he was far from it, he sounded like a child! And a whiny child at that, one that was focused on money and nothing more than that. He gulped and licked his lips but Xander had not even noticed his discomfort, smiling briefly as he swept his hair from the back of his neck where it had hit a ticklish spot.

"Well... There's the charity thing, you know, that I put cash into to help gambling addicts. That's always a good one to feed, you know?"

Donnie blinked.

"What, you're still doing that? But why? Haven't you given them enough?"

Ah, he did not intend it to come off quite so adversarial but he'd sent the words out into the air between them now and, well, there it was that they were going to have to sit. Shaking his head, he pulled away from him a little and, to his disappointment, Xan let him go, slinking his arm back as if he had just been waiting for the chance to return it to his side.

"I've given them a lot," he said flatly. "But that's not the point. The point is that they don't have the most resources and it seems fitting that that is where the money goes. They know better how to use it than me."

Donnie closed his mouth, berating himself as nerves swirled in his gut. They always seemed worse after he'd been drinking but it was too late to worry about that now, everything taking on a fuzzy edge in a not so pleasant way. Even the apartment was hazy and he shrank back from it, breath coming more and more quickly. Were things closer than usual? The TV flickered, muted but dancing, caricatures of characters screaming and wheeling, a flow of brightness that was perhaps out of place considering the exceptionally late hour. Was it dawn yet? Dawn would be good, that would mean that Xander would be gone and he'd be alone again, left there with nothing but his thoughts, the dreariness of a life that he needed to live and yet did not seem able to without fucking something up. All the same, all the fucking same...

"Donnie..."

Yet he was not alone.

Xander caught his eyes, turning his chin with two fingers so that he had to look at him. There was no option otherwise and, although Donnie tried to rip his face away, Xander wasn't taking no for an answer when it came to something so important. Tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, or at least the blurriness of liquor giving rise to the sensation of such being possible, Xander shook his head, mouthing the words before he let them loose into the air between them. Above all else, he knew better than most people that, once things were said, they could not so easily be called back. And that was to the detriment of all.

"I know you don't have family," he said quietly, though intensely, Donnie able to easily hear every word. "But things are different for me. I mean, I had a family, a whole family and then all of that got fucked up for me. That's what happened and I can't go back and change that, was too young to change any of it back then. My father's gone, Donnie, and he was gone for a long while before he actually passed too. You know we still don't know what happened there?"

Growling, Donnie swiped his hand away and, to his surprise, Xan let him.

"Yes, I know. I didn't mean to sound inconsiderate, I was just..."

Just...what? What did he actually mean to say or what did he say? Had he said the wrong thing entirely or was it something that could be cleared up with a few words, two friends not thinking any the less of one another after the fact for something that was really just a slip of the tongue.

"I've got to provide for my mom," Xander continued on more gently, although he was not so devoted to giving life to the cause of his speech that he was ignorant to the turmoil going on in Donnie's mind. "Things have to be right for her and the rest of my family too. You know? It's serious shit, Donnie."

That lightened the mood at least a little and Donnie chuckled weakly, shaking his head in apology.

"Yeah... Yeah, I get that. That makes sense. You know, you're really good to look after everyone else like that. Fuck, you even look after me, Xan. How do you do it all?"

That was one that caught Xander off guard, drawing him up short as he blinked, head tipped just a little to the side. Against himself, Donnie's heart turned over: double fuck.

"I... Hey, now, you're not meant to be the one asking me the hard questions!"

He jabbed Donnie playfully in the ribs and Donnie had retaliated in kind before his mind caught up to the actions of his body, against Xander and tussling wickedly, laughing in the delirium of relief. Things were going to be okay, he thought, even as his back cracked lightly into the ground, the downstairs neighbours no doubt cursing him out for causing such a racket at such an hour. But fuck them, fuck the lot of them. They didn't do anything for him either and he wasn't going to hold back a damn second more when there was something more to be had, something more to be done.

He could not have honestly said what made him do it in hindsight, finding himself on top of Xander with the dusty, old bean bag scrunched under one leg. Such was his position that Xan could have very easily have thrown him off and yet he did not, putting his hands back behind his head and cocking an eyebrow as if he'd expected to be there all along. And no more words were needed as Donnie grunted and threw caution to the wind, closing the distance between them as they had done before - not many times but they had - in a kiss that lacked simple sensuality.

Well, there was more sensuality to it than his times with John embodied but that wasn't something that he was going to worry about as they came together, fumbling and awkward and deepening the kiss. Xander rumbled a laugh, eyes dancing in the moment before they closed, but Donnie had his lip lightly caught between his teeth and he grunted thickly, revelling in taking a position in their relations that was not on the bottom, crushed pleasurably down and forced to submit.

Of course, there was a goodness to being forced to submit too, head swimming as he was pounded, forced to cum over and over again from the raw scope of John's lust, but Donnie too knew that there was something more to lust and passion than what he had experienced so far. He'd seen more, had other people, but the memories proved hazy with drug use and abuse, alcohol clouding everything in pleasant fuzz. He drank too much, he knew that, but there were some nights where he just couldn't get to sleep any other way, the daylight worrying him more than the dark. Darkness, well, that was something that he was used to, an old friend in the arms of demons that would become more and more familiar to him.

But the moment was there for him to take and he greedily snatched it up for once without an ounce of guilt, growling as he pressed up passionately against Xander. The room tilted and turned around him but that was not his focus as he nipped sharply at Xander's neck, trading positions as Xander used his slightly bulkier - not that he was really heavy - weight against him, straddling Donnie's hips as something hard ground down into his stomach.

Smirking breathlessly, Xander tried to grin but the feral edge that Donnie was used to was lost in the warmth of it, despite everything. And he loved Xander - not in the romantic way but another way - simply for that and that alone.

"Well, that's one way to celebrate..."

They kissed and lips found throats, tender places that should have been more vulnerable than they were with one another. And Donnie languished in it. There was no taking a neutral or top position with John - that just wasn't how their relationship was and he could not have honestly said that he wanted things to be different too - but Xander was a different man altogether. That was all fine, well and good, but he could push further, kiss and bite and nip, clothes hitting the floor. He thanked the presence of any listening gods (not that he believed in that sort of crap) that he'd cleaned his apartment, still always wanting to make a good impression despite everything that had come to pass in life. It would be something more of a mess by the time they were finished but that, at least, would be for all the right reasons, lust and passion driving them on into ecstasy.

Words came out mumbled and were traded like coin for service but the two men did not need them to be anything more than what they were as they grunted and pushed together, the lack of clothing bringing them up close and personal. Donnie's head pounded. When had been the last time that he'd been with Xander? It had been a while, they hadn't seen much of one another with life getting the better of them but that was the way of it, each wrapped up in their own little world while the rest of time moved on around them, sometimes without them. John was always quick to tell him that no one lived forever and that was why he had to do all that he could to live in the moment, feel everything, do everything, lust after everything... But that was John's way, not Xander's way, taking on a slower more mellow way of living. Truly, neither was right or wrong.

Donnie groaned, hips working, humping and grinding, wanting. No... No, he would not think of John right then. No, he had other things to be getting on with, other passions to be had. And that was okay too. He was allowed to do that. There was nothing wrong.

It was hard to believe that sometimes though and he hissed out in a rush of breath as Xander's hand closed around his cock, forgetting that the two of them were already naked. And, oh, he could have drunk in how Xander looked over and over again, lips parted with a glimmer of moisture shimmering on the lower one. He was not a bloke who went to the gym religiously but he had some level of fitness and physique, no doubt, from running from the law, getting into places that he should not have been, all that side of things. All in the name of good and righteousness, of course, but Xander blurred that line on a daily basis, hot breath on Donnie's neck as he leaned in close.

His lips played a tune down Donnie's throat and he whimpered, lost in sensation as Xan's hand closed on his shaft more firmly, squeezing and pumping, stroking slowly. Groaning, Donnie rolled his head back, somehow sat with his back against the sofa, and whimpered softly, eyes half-closed.

"Shush," Xander breathed. "Let me do this."

It was not a command or an order, however it was phrased, but Donnie nodded all the same, relaxing into his touch. It was good to be teased like that, given something that he knew would not be one-sided, as much as he liked the fun of things being one-sided too. There was a luxury in submission and a pleasure in mutual, well, pleasure, biting his lip and gnawing harder as his cock throbbed and twitched, body wanting more and more too quickly. His mind craved the time in which to savour it even though neither of them had anywhere important to be, taking their time together, patiently.

All the time in the world, yes. He had to remember that, grunting into a hot mouth as Xander forced his tongue past lips that were not quite expecting him, panting and groaning, animalistic noises breaking the barrier of his lips. More, he needed more, fingers gripping the side of the sofa, humping and grinding, trying to find that little bit more sensation that could get everything to that next level. But that tongue jabbed and curled, seeming to know just how to evade and dominate his, and Donnie was struck by the thought that Xan could pin him down as easy as he liked if that was the way he wanted to go.

Yet that was not to be as Xander's lips broke from his once more, hungrily tracing a path - a hasty one at that - down to his crotch. There could only be one target for his rampant lust and Donnie shuddered, eyes snapping open wide as his cock was taken into a mouth. Heaving for breath, he arched his back, striving to thrust, but sitting on the floor did not allow him all that much leverage, breath catching and lungs juddering as if they could not, all of a sudden, get enough oxygen into them. His lips moved but no sound came out and, to hell with it - he didn't even know what he wanted to say anyway. All he knew was that he wanted Xan to stay right there where he was, sucking his cock off so wonderfully that he could well have believed that he'd died and gone to heaven, if heaven indeed could have been a place on earth for but a moment in time.