Dinner that evening was a blur and on several occasions, my wife asked if everything was okay. Everything was not okay. I had cheated on my wife, sucked a friend's cock and let him kiss my neck and lips.
I made a cup of tea for my wife and me and we watched the news in silence. She prepared her lunch for tomorrow and I surfed the web for nothing in particular.
At eight-thirty, we kissed good-night and she padded off to bed. I slipped down to the entertainment room and phoned Andrew.
"Hello."
"Hi, Andrew. It's me.
"Hey, Tom." There was a pause. "How are you doing?"
"Have you ever had a dream in which you are trapped in a room and you can't find the way out and the harder you try the more difficult it becomes?"
"I've had a few of those. Being chased by monsters and being slowed by sloppy muck and quicksand."
"Yeah, exactly like that," I said.
"I know what you're going through," Andrew said. "The first time being sexual with another guy hit me pretty hard too. It's a lot to process."
"Cheating isn't exactly a noble thing and never in my wild imagination did I ever think of a kiss from another man."
"So you're okay with the sucking part? Just kidding."
A nervous laugh escaped my lips.
"I did enjoy that part, more than I thought I would. I liked the kiss and that's what scares me the most."
"It is the most intimate of acts and I wouldn't want you to be able to suck me off, but not desire a kiss."
The line was silent for several moments.
"Andrew. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to cancel breakfast tomorrow and perhaps take some time to figure things out."
"I understand, Tom. Take all the time you need."
I didn't sleep more than a few hours and I stayed housebound for the next few days. At times, thoughts of sucking Andrew drifted through my mind as did those delicious kisses on my neck and lips.
I loved how my wife tilted her head and exposed her neck for my kisses and I did the same for Andrew. Although my wife's kisses felt great, they were different than Andrew's. Hers was soft and gentle, his was soft, gentle and possessive. It was like every kiss was saying - you're mine.
I thought about the last time my wife gave me a blow job and although it was fantastic, something was lacking. Perhaps the lacking part was me and not her. Was it possible to enjoy being sucked, while wishing it was me doing the sucking?
By the time Friday arrived, thoughts of sucking Andrew's cock filled my mind. I called his number and after several rings got his message service.
"Just wanted to say hello and hope all is well."
After leaving the message, I sat at my laptop and wrote -
'Hi, Andrew... It's been a challenging week, but I now realize that a part of me has been dormant for too long. I won't use the label of gay or bisexual, but I am a cocksucker. But not just any cocksucker, your cocksucker.
During my teen years and periodically through my adult life, I wondered what sucking a cock would be like and that it would be a mistake if I didn't explore that part of me.