My head felt like it was spinning as I made my way to the bar. That kiss with Matt had been, without a doubt, the single most erotic moment in my entire life to date; better than every girl I'd ever slept with. The feeling of his firm body pressed against me, all muscle and power, was entirely different from the soft curves I was more used to. The uncomfortable pressure in my jeans told me beyond any shadow of a doubt that my body had no real objections to the sensation either. All I could think about was the firmness of the kiss, how easily Matt had taken casual control over the experience, how much I'd loved the feeling of being kissed by another man.
When I finally made it to the bar, I saw Matt in the queue with his girlfriend, Kerryn. I was about to head to the other end and avoid the two of them until I could get my thoughts in order but Matt saw me, grinned sheepishly, and waved me over. There was no way I could resist that smile and it'd be weird if I avoided him, so I picked my way through the crowd and joined the two of them.
"Hey! Mad night man," he shouted over the thudding music, "Kerryn and I were saying we're probably gonna head off soon, Nathan's been pissing her off."
My heart froze for a moment, had Kerryn seen what had just happened? I managed to force a laugh out, and replied, "Heh, yeah man Nathan can be a bit of a dick sometimes, why, what's he been doing?"
"Oh, the usual, leering over her friends. It makes them uncomfortable."
I relaxed slightly, my hands which had unconsciously bunched up into fists unclenching. He hadn't told her and it sounded like she hadn't seen either. I felt a sudden thump on my back as Nathan jumped into the group, his face plastered with a shit eating grin. We usually got on pretty well, but Nathan was a gossip and the look on my face told me he'd be sticking his oar in and messing things up.
"Soooo," he said, "how you two love birds doing?"
Kerryn blushed, "aww, not too bad thanks for asking!"
He winked at Matt, "I wasn't exactly talking about you and Matt, Kerryn..." his voice trailed off meaningfully as he cocked an eyebrow at me.
She looked confused, "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"Did you not see your boyfriend making out with Jake on the dancefloor Kerryn? They were really going for it too!"
I'd never hated someone as much as I hated Nathan at that moment.
It seemed Matt had similar thoughts on the matter. Scowling at Nathan, he tousled his hair casually and then draped an arm around Kerryn's shoulders, "Just a bit of fun babe, Nathan here thought it'd be funny to dare us to play gay chicken, just turned out neither of us lost"
I couldn't help but feel a little deflated. I'm not sure what other reaction I'd expect Matt to have in the circumstances, but he was certainly convincing in his dismissal of the kiss as nothing important. My eyes were glued to his face, searching for any sign that he was in any way affected by what had happened, concern, affection, anything. But all I could see was a rueful grin on his face as he steered the conversation away from the topic of the kiss. It was artfully done really, a quick mention of some attractive girl on the dancefloor was all it took to make Nathan start babbling on about all the people he had been chatting up all night. I took a kind of sadistic pleasure in pointing out that he'd been pretty miserably unsuccessful.
A few shots later I was feeling pepped again. Matt and Kerryn made their excuses and headed for the door, leaving me stuck with Nathan and the other guys. I actually managed to supress most of my confusion for a good couple of hours, dancing mindlessly with the group and doing my best not to think at all. As the alcohol made its way through my system my focus became fuzzier and fuzzier and the next thing I knew I was grinding against some girl. My hands grabbed her waist and span her around, filled with a sudden burning need to reassert my masculinity in some way in front of my friends. Pulling her close, I felt her wrap her arms around my back as I leant in for a kiss.
Her lips were soft, pliable, and yielded easily before my tongue. But I felt no spark. There was no thrill, no rush of excitement. There was nothing bad about the kiss, it was just completely underwhelming and my brain couldn't help but make comparisons. Her curves were nice, but they weren't firm or powerful. Her lips were soft, but they didn't make me give in to them. Her grip was warm, but it didn't make me feel complete and safe. When the kiss finished I sighed, and excused myself saying I needed the bathroom.
Instead I decided to bail on the whole thing, wrestling my way through the crowd to the door without stopping to tell the others I was going. I needed the air, I needed the room to breathe, to think.
"Am I gay now?" I mumbled to myself as I wandered up the road home, "I mean, I've enjoyed sex with women before. But that kiss..."
The turmoil in my thoughts kept me occupied so much that I barely noticed the walk home, stumbling into my room and slamming the door shut. I stripped off, grabbed my laptop, and jumped into bed. Usually my next step when I got into bed would be to put some shitty porn on and jerk myself off until I felt tired enough to fall asleep. Tonight as I browsed to my favourite porn site, I watched my cursor stray over to the gay tab, clicking on the first video that I saw. The scene was oddly touching, two ripped guys wandering down the beach hand in hand, before starting to make out.
The actual sex scene was pretty hot, and my dick responded to it quickly, getting hard in seconds. The top started by stripping slowly, then he took the other guy in his mouth, starting slow but building speed quickly. I was amazed at how deeply he could take it, how eager he seemed to be. As he was sucking him, he worked first one finger into the bottom's hole, then another, then another. The look on the bottom's face was one of pain intermingled with absolute ecstatic pleasure. I couldn't help but stroke myself, even tasting my own precum as I leaked at the fiery scene on my scree. Then they got to fucking, it was raw, animalistic. I beat myself in time with the tops powerful thrusts, and a low moan escaped my mouth as I watched the bottom explode in a shuddering orgasm without having once touched himself. I could see the top was getting close, so I sped up, reaching my climax at the same time as he pulled out and shot ropes of cum over the bottom. I was gasping for breath, it was the hottest porn I'd ever seen. Post-orgasm, the usual lethargy set in, combining with the alcohol-tiredness, and I fell asleep in minutes.
*****
The next few days were strange to say the least. The morning after 'The Kiss' (as my brain had started to call it, capitals and all) I had tried to find Matt to talk things over, but he was nowhere to be found and he wouldn't answer any of my texts. It wasn't entirely unusual, he often went a few days at a time in Kerryn's bed, the two of them barely surfacing for air let alone communication with the outside world, but it was enough to worry me. I couldn't help but think that he was deliberately trying to avoid me.
By day three of no contact, I was convinced I was being dodged. Life in halls had taken a downwards turn and I was feeling weirdly lonely. Nathan and the other guys had taken to laughing every time I entered the room, making smooching noises and wrapping their arms around themselves. Consequently, I'd taken to spending most of my time in my room alone, only venturing out for the odd lecture and to grab food from the kitchen.
As I was spending more and more time alone, I was spending more and more time looking at porn. I'd been trawling the gay sections, figuring out what I liked and didn't like. The whole gay thing was still confusing the hell out of me, but I could hardly deny that I found it arousing. There was something so visceral, so powerful, about two men fucking like animals. But in my head the tops were always Matt, that toned body would be glistening with sweat as he held himself over me, that face would be wearing the grin that lit up the room and those eyes would be boring into my very soul. I had to face it, I had a thing for my best friend.
On the fifth day of no contact, I was coming back into the building from one of the few lectures I'd managed to attend that week when I saw him come out of the stairwell. He saw me, and I saw him wince visibly. Great, I thought, another blow to my dwindling self-esteem.
"Hi"
"Hey," I mumbled, trying my best to sound disinterested.
He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but a pained look took over his face, contorting that beautiful mouth into a half grimace, and he shook his head slightly.
"I've gotta go," he grunted, moving past me with purpose, "see ya later."
I felt crushed. For the last week, some part of me had been clinging on to the distant hope that he hadn't really been avoiding me, that there was some legitimate reason why I'd been abandoned. I couldn't really hold on to that hope now. He was clearly upset by what had happened, I must have disgusted him. Pulling myself together I trudged up the stairs, trying to mentally prepare myself for another night of sitting in my room alone. As I reached my floor, I could hear Nathan's voice through the stairwell door and paused for a second.
"- thinks that Jake's some kind of queer from the way he reacted to the chicken game, no wonder Kerryn's being weird with him about it. We should've known; Jake always follows Matt around like a puppy, of course he's gay. Matt says he's just gonna ignore him for the rest of the year, doesn't want the gay to wash off on him if you ask me. That shit's contagious."
Half of me wanted to cry, half wanted to shout and rage. It wasn't ME who had initiated the kiss, I hadn't been the one grabbing my ass, pulling me in closer. It hadn't been ME who'd pushed his tongue into my mouth. And yet somehow Matt was getting away with no ramifications, fucking beautiful gorgeous Matt was the one everybody loved, and I was just the random guy who was clearly some kind of gay pervert, a disease to be avoided.
I pushed my way through the stairwell door, ignoring the slight gasp from Nathan as he clapped his mouth shut. Pretending not to have heard anything I strolled through down the corridor and into my room, forcing myself to walk in a slow measured pace rather than running to be out of their burning stares.
Once in my room, I collapsed onto my bed, fighting back tears. My thoughts were beginning to spiral and get away from me, so I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Right in that moment I needed someone, anyone, to hold me and make me feel like more than nothing. Hands shaking, I grabbed my phone and quickly downloaded a gay dating app. It took minutes to set up a profile, and my heart was pounding the whole time. This was it. If I created this account, I'd be admitting to myself that I was at least a little bit gay. I'd be admitting that Nathan wasn't wrong, that I was 'kind of queer'. The empty feeling in the pit of my stomach drove me forwards though, anything to feel just a tiny bit wanted. I clicked submit.
It took just a few minutes for the first person to message me. I looked, just a picture of his dick and a simple "u wanna suck?". I shuddered, thankful that my self-esteem hadn't vanished entirely, blocking him.
The next message was more appealing, "Hey, cute profile, I'm Dave btw, wanna meet up sometime?"
We exchanged banal messages for about an hour before I got, "my place is free if you wanna meet up tonight? No pressure on you to do anything, we can just chill if you want"
