Diary of a Coc Sucer

A bit of history to start. I was introduced to the world of cocksucking at a very young age by my foster father. Let me say that the experiences were a mixture of terrifying, deeply unsettling, and educational. The education included both the passive and active role, neither by invitation or choice. The experiences were so shocking that I do not ever recall a feeling of pleasure. But I suppose to a significant extent the experiences established the framework for my lifelong attitude toward sex, sexuality, and sexual orientation. I adore women and have been happily married for the vast majority of my adult life. I am happily married now. But for all of my adult life, I have enjoyed the fantasy and reality of cock sucking. I have a passionate interest in porn, principally female and heterosexual porn. The female nude is an endless source of interest, wonder and fantasy. While there is the occasional memorable gay porn, I do not find the male body particularly attractive or sexual. I find myself revolted by body hair, large men, and muscled bodies. I do not find men sexually attractive in any way. Except for the cock.

In some cultures, young men have older male mentors. In some, the younger male orally services the mentor. The cultural idea is for the young man to absorb the wisdom of the old through the oral sex act as a rite of passage into adulthood. I recall when reading of this how sound the idea appeared. The removal of all of the taboos, stereotyping, and guilt. Just a part of growing up. How much easier life would be for all of us. But alas it is not so in our western Christian culture.

My career as a cocksucker by choice began through porn. I remember the day as though it were yesterday. I was married, living in Columbus, and attending College. I discovered a porn theater and began spending the odd afternoon once or twice a month enjoying graphic porn. It was a revelation to me that beautiful women who would not give you the time of day will, for a pittance admission fee, appear nude and get hammered in every orifice, often more than one at a time. My greatest porn pleasure was and is to this day, to strip and jackoff while watching. In the dark theaters, I would surreptitiously remove my slacks and sit nude from the waist down, wanking away on my cock. I would often climax five or six times, timing my climax to the performer on the screen. Of course I became an expert at wanking my cock, keeping the pleasure at a high level for long periods of time, without letting it flow over the edge.

On one occasion I was very pleasantly watching a porn film in the theater. The theater was unusually crowded that afternoon and I had not dared strip but rather pulled free my shirt and opened my slacks. That allowed me to expose my cock under my shirt and play with it. Of course I regularly looked around to make sure no one was observing what I was doing. Eventually someone sat in the seat next to me. I froze and looked straight ahead. But after some time a surreptitious look told me that my neighbor was a guy perhaps a bit older than myself and another glance revealed that he was caressing a clearly hard cock through his jeans. Somewhat reassured that exposure was not likely; I resumed wanking under the cover of my shirt. I noticed that my neighbor was doing the same. The thought of the two of us sitting side by side, wanking our cocks was arousing. Eventually I deliberately became careless with my shirt, exposing my hard cock so that my companion could see it. I had no intentions beyond this bit of thrilling exhibitionism. Surreptitious glances confirmed that my theater companion was indeed watching, and at the same time caressing his cock through his jeans. Encouraged, I withdrew more of my shirt to give my companion a clear view and to enjoy the exhibitionism experience more fully. I should confirm at this point that I have long had fantasies of exhibitionism and wanking in public

I should say at this point that I am slim and reasonably good looking. Like most attractive young men, I received the occasional propositions from gay men. These were never an interest to me. And yet here in the dark theater with no male face to associate with the offer, some kernel of interest took hold and grew. Eventually my neighbor pushed his leg toward mine in what was a clear invitation of interest. I began to consider that receiving a blowjob might be preferable to wanking off into my supply of Kleenex. I did not retract my knee. My neighbor clearly took this as encouragement and eventually touched my leg with his hand. A brief caress and squeeze followed, enough to confirm what I took to be a clear offer. Confirmed in my interest, my neighbor got up, gently, but clearly, giving my leg a modest pull to indicate that I was to join. It took me a moment to zip up. More than a moment as my hands were shaking in anticipation of this unknown that I was about to participate in by choice. A crossing of the boundary.

A short time later we are alone in an apartment. We are in the bedroom of the apartment, to which we both adjourned immediately entering and without a spoken word. He immediately began to undress. I did the same, still in a state of high anxiety. The room was silent but for the sound of the clothes being removed and his body reclining on the bed. No shame or hesitation. Here was a male body in front of me. He was nude and aroused. I recall the utter amazement I felt at the sight. He was hard with anticipation of sex with me. He wanted to kiss which I did but did not find arousing because of the bristle on his face. Still, the fascination of it all was there in full force and his cock was a magnet. I touched the shaft with my fingers which he clearly enjoyed. I looked down at his rigid cock as my fingers and hand touched and caressed it. I recall thinking that his cock was absolutely beautiful. I teased the shaft with my fingertips, gently squeezing the head in my fingers and rolling the head back and forth using the ooze from the tip as lubricant. I could smell the arousal. He lay on his back and urged my head down with his hand.

This experience all started back in the theater. The thrilling and safe opportunity for a long hoped for bit of exhibitionism. When the offer came, I thought we might go into the men's room where he might quickly suck me off. Instead he headed straight for the exit, telling me to follow his car. Now we were nude in bed and I was being urged to do something that I had done before as a child, on those occasions without choice. Here there was choice. I should say at this point that the bedroom was not the residence of a single gay man. It was clear from the surroundings that a married couple lived here; I assumed the companion I was with and his wife. I was fascinated by all of this. The nude male body next to me. His hard cock was mesmerizing. I had thoughts and imagery of the people who lived here. The sex acts that occurred on the bed I now occupied. I slid down the bed and knelt between his legs. Nude myself, my cock was hard, throbbing between my legs. His cock was standing straight up and slowly throbbing. I looked up at him as I moved my mouth toward the head of his cock. He was breathing softly with his eyes closed. I recall a feeling of separation from reality, almost out of body.

I touched my lips to the head of his cock, and slowly slid my lips over the head, taking it in my mouth. I could taste the skin and the male essence. I teased the head of his cock using soft caresses of my lips. Slowly up and down on the head. I could feel him strain under me and arch his back up, clearly wanting more depth. My hands were on the bed on either side of his hips. I slid my lips down the shaft of his hard cock and felt him shudder under me. The room was in absolute silence but for the sounds of his breathing and my mouth on his cock. And yet the silent sounds of the act were deafening. The walls of prejudice, fear, and denial were collapsing around me.

I hardly knew whether my clumsy efforts were actively giving him pleasure or merely serving as a receptacle for his organ and eventually, if I persisted, for his ejaculate. I just knew that I was completely overwhelmed by everything about the act. And I knew that there was no way that I was going to stop. The hard cock in my mouth seemed to me to be exactly right, an exactly right thing to do. The sensation of the rigid shaft sliding against my lips was captivating. I could taste the maleness of him. The cock was leaking fluid and I could taste it. The smell of his skin was uniquely sexual male. I recall thinking how unique the taste of cock and male fluid were. My experiences as a child were so obscured in terror and taboos that I do not recall anything other than being forced to participate in the physical act. Of course I had tasted my own juice and ejaculate during my frequent wanking sessions, but it was nothing like this. The clear evidence of pleasure on the part of my hip thrusting companion was electrifying.

The feel of his cock thrusting into my mouth was overwhelming. I wanted the experience to go on. I wanted to enjoy the sensation of the rigid cock thrusting in my mouth for as long as I could. So I used the most delicate pressure of my lips on the thrusting shaft that I could. For me, time seemed to stand still. There was only myself, kneeling between his legs, leaning forward, hands on either side of his hips. My mouth on his rigid cock. As slowly as I could sliding my lips up and down on the rigid shaft. Enjoying the sensations, the smells, the sounds, of cock sucking. Occasionally I would caress the bottom of the shaft with my tongue. And for variety, caress the head of the cock with my lips, as teasingly as I could manage to prolong the experience while enjoying his immediate pleasurable reaction. A heartfelt gasp of pleasure, a plea to not stop, the occasional pressure of his hand on my head to encourage. And in each case, the eventual return to the slow and infinitely pleasurable experience of my softly caressing lips on the thrusting shaft. All of these and more were thrilling parts of the cock sucking experience that day.

He began moaning and his hip thrusts became more urgent. He thrust his hips higher into the air; I assumed an effort to drive the cock into my throat. That was not something that I could do and so we danced, my companion and I. He thrust with increasing energy, moaning, and I moving my head up and down to avoid the shaft going in too far but keeping my lips sliding up and down delicately on the cock shaft. Eventually I reached between his legs with one hand and cupped his sack. I caressed and squeezed very gently, all the while maintaining the gentle pressure of my lips on the shaft of his cock. With the caressing of his balls, he dug his heels into the bed and began short, rapid hip thrusts. It was clear to me that he intended soon to ejaculate his semen into my mouth. Oddly, I had thought not at all about this outcome, so taken was I in the physical act of his hard cock sliding between my lips. Existence was centered on the hard shaft, my lips, and the in and out motion of his cock in my mouth. But now we, my companion and I, were coming to a new experience. For him I suppose his objective all along. But for me something entirely new and inevitably bringing with it an end to my desired objective which was to have his hard cock in my mouth. But of course, such is life. My companion went rigid and emitted several loud gasps. His hip thrusting ceased entirely and I tasted the flood of his ejaculate. I looked up and watched his face as he ejaculated his semen into my mouth. His eyes closed, the muscles of his face and neck working as the pleasure flowed through him. His body jerked again and again as the climax spasms racked him. And all the while I held him there, his cock in my mouth, spewing his semen.

It is the most remarkable thing that it is the rare woman who is skillful at blowjobs, in my experience. All of my long term female companions have been willing to engage, with more or less enthusiasm, in sucking me off. I believe in the vast majority of cases, my female companions genuinely wanted to give me pleasure. And of course it was pleasurable. But none fully appreciated the male anatomy or physical reaction of the male to climax. Men of course know exactly how it feels, both in the immediate and conclusion phases. In the case of my companion, I kept him in my mouth as long as possible, both during and after his climax. My mouth was full of his ejaculate and I kept my lips softly caressing the shaft of his cock. I avoided touching the head of his cock which in my own case, I find intolerable after I have climaxed. So I applied pressure with my lips on the shaft of his cock, squeezing firmly on the base of the shaft and drawing my lips slowly, halfway up the shaft of his cock. Then releasing the pressure and moving my lips back down to the base to squeeze hard again, and again and again.

Eventually his cock began to soften in my mouth and after a lengthy, and in my case entirely enjoyable period of cock sucking, he withdrew from my mouth. For my part, I could have gone on for much longer. I sat upright and considered the semen in my mouth. Some of my female companions would, at the conclusion of bestowing a blowjob on my cock, swallow while others would spit out, with more or less delicacy. In my case, I swallowed, both then and at the many times since that glorious day of introduction to the exquisite pleasures of cock sucking. My companion's cock had shrunk as had his ardor. I laid down next to him, as anxious for reciprocal experience as I can ever recall in my life. But such is the reality of life, that my post climax companion was transformed into a fully committed married heterosexual. He quickly extricated himself from the bed, quickly dressed, and by example, clearly invited me to do the same. Which of course I did, with haste. And without a single word we parted, never to exchange another word or glance.

And so what to think of this. In retrospect and after some considerable reflection, I very thoroughly enjoyed the cock sucking experience. I enjoyed every single aspect of the cock, the experience of the cock, the feel of the cock in my mouth, thrusting of the cock between my lips, the climax in my mouth, the taste of his juice, the post climax resolution. All of these things I found exquisitely pleasurable. I resolved that I would explore cock sucking more thoroughly. I decided that in the circumstance, it was rude to not at least offer a reciprocal. But future experience would prove that that is a common outcome, and in any case my principal focus was cock sucking, not reciprocal gay sex. In short, I did not care that he did not make an effort to get me off. The cock sucking experience was a revelation. A come full circle life experience.