Dex & Alfie
November 2008
Alfie and I watch as Ken parades around our dorm room in nothing but a pair of form-fitting, shiny briefs that leave little to the imagination as he gathers his strewn about clothes and shoes. Gus shakes his head in mock-disgust as he steps back into his own jeans without fanfare. For the first time this year, my jeans stayed on, but I'm still shirtless and barefoot at the end of our weekly tournament. Alfie (Alf to everyone else) is, as usual, fully clothed. He never even lost a shoe. He never does.
Alfie and I are roommates at the University of Bridgeport in Connecticut. Our friends Ken and Gus come to our room every Friday and we play Mario Kart for hours. Fridays are our time to decompress. Alfie always wins. Since we're (mostly) all broke college students, we never play for money, but it was Ken who wanted to, as he put it, "make things more interesting". He suggested Strip Mario Kart. Alfie was unphased by the suggestion; not only does he always win the war, but he wins every battle along the way. He is seemingly invincible as he avoids banana peels while hurling shells and dropping bombs. It's kind of infuriating.
The way it works is that a fourth place finish means you lose an article of clothing. It's November in the Northeast, so we all start with shoes, socks, pants, a t-shirt and a hoodie. The loser is the first person to eight losses. By that time, you're already in just your undies, but the final loss does not culminate in the full monty. No. The big loser keeps the goods concealed, but has to buy the popcorn for all four of us at movie night in the great room later. It only costs a couple dollars.
Gus, fully dressed now, says, "Dex, Alf... Catch you at the movie."
He and Ken are roommates too. He glances at the still mostly naked Ken and adds, "At least you guys only have to watch this show once a week. I see way too much of our man here every single day. The dude sleeps naked!"
Ken finally has one sock on. He looks up, "Hey! We were born naked. It's our natural state of being. You're all about environmental issues, Gus. I'm contributing to the world's natural beauty."
Alfie laughs as Gus gives Ken double middle fingers before slipping out the door.
Ken nudges me into the corner, "Umm, I'm a little shy this week."
He means shy in terms of cash. In no other way is the still almost naked dude six inches away from me shy. Ken and I trade off being the loser each week. Alfie always wins and Gus is always second. I try to downplay it with my friends, but I'm the only one of us who's not constantly strapped for cash. I end up paying for the popcorn every week regardless of who actually loses. I really don't mind.
I smile at Ken, "I got it."
He grins back, "Hey, Dex. I owe you something then. Maybe I should drop my briefs for a ten-count, give you a gook look-see and we'll call it even."
"I'm taking a hard pass on that," I tell my friend. "And really, I wish you were wearing pants for this conversation."
He winks and laughs. If I'm being honest, Ken is a good-looking dude both above and below the neck. He is clearly proud of his body and he should be. But we're not at the pool or the beach and it's enough now. He picks up on the vibe I'm throwing off, pulls on his spandex biking shorts, gathers his remaining items and disappears down the hall, still shirtless and shoeless.
Alfie says to me, "I bet you anything he finds a reason to drop his briefs before we get to second semester. He's dying to show us what he's packing."
"Right? Even before he had to take them off, those biker shorts were painted on. Size, girth, contours - the mystery is over."
Alfie giggles, "Why is he so desperate to give us this particular show?"
"The same reason he has a new girlfriend every week; he wants as many people as possible to see his proudest accomplishment. He's a big boy and eager to prove it."
"He accomplished his biceps. Hell, he even accomplished his tan. But the size of his junk is nothing but the luck of the genetic draw."
"It's also his gregarious personality. He's what they call a 'shower'."
Alfie makes a face, "I thought that meant something else."
"When it comes to our buddy Ken, it has a double meaning." I chuckle, "Can you imagine if he were a 'grower'? That thing would need to be registered as a lethal weapon."
Alfie chuckles too.
It's our second year of college, but our first year rooming together. I met him early on freshman year in a required health and wellness class. We got to know each other and started hanging out. I am an English/Lit major and Alfie is a Biology major. I struggle big time with all of my required science and math classes. Alfie has tutored me and helped me to study for tests I'd surely otherwise fail for three semesters now. Tutoring is one of the three jobs he has in addition to his class load. All last year I paid him for his tutoring, but now that we're best friends and roommates, he refuses to take my money. I have to find other, sneaky ways to pay him.
Every couple of weeks I stick a crumpled twenty in his jeans pocket. I can't do that too frequently or he'll get suspicious. I also find devious ways to give him things that he'll only accept because he thinks I didn't have to pay for them. I guess he and Ken have pride in common, though they are clearly proud in very different ways.
