I was hangin' out at the Dew Drop Inn, the local waterin' hole only two blocks from my house. I hadn't expected to get a game so my cue was outside in the trunk of my 66 Camero. I always bring my car, one never knows when one might need to cruise.
I was getting really pissed. I had been sittin' here for almost two hours, listening to this dickwad hillbilly fucker drone on about how good a pool shot he is. I wasn't sure I wanted to show him what a really good player looked like. It would be fun to annihilate him, but these fuckers never really learn.
This ass had just beaten Alex, a good friend but mediocre pool player, by two balls. "Whoo, Yeah, who da man?" he begins declaiming in a loud southern accent. Y'all kin bet yer sweet asses ain't nobody gonna whoop me. Ah am de pool magician."
I had enough. Beneath so much bluster there had to be a "pussy" a man so unsure of himself that he needed all the phony bravado to bolster his manhood. I wondered if he had inner questions about his sexual identity. I decided to find out.
"Hey, you, what's your name?"
"Y'all talkin ta me?"
"Yup."
"Name's Beauford, Beauford Pickens."
"Well Beauford Beauford, I wonder if you are really any good at pool."
"You ain't gotta wonder, ya'll jus seen it. You bet yer sweet ass Ah am the best, the best in the west."
"No, Beauford Beauford. You bet your sweet ass."
"Whaddya mean? An' why do you keep callin' me Beauford Beauford, two times like that?"
"Because, Mr Pickens, that is how you introduced yourself, you said 'my name's Beauford Beauford Pickens', isn't that right Alex?"
"Yep. That's right Tom, that's what he said, we all heard him."
About this time Mr. Pool Shark finally figures out that I am poking fun at him. He says, "Oh Ah get it, Beauford Beauford, how cute."
"And the question I asked," I iterated firmly, was: "Are you willing to 'bet your sweet ass' as you are so fond of saying?"
"Whatcha mean?"
"I mean what I say. I have made it a practice in my life to say exactly what I mean, unlike some. What I said was. And I repeat myself for the third time, Would you be willing to bet your ass, to literally bet your ass?"
"Ah steel don get it."
"I mean," acting frustrated, "that I propose we shoot a game of pool and if I win, you must give me your ass. Literally to surrender your ass to me to do with whatever I choose.
"You shittin' me?"
"Two things I never joke about, ass and pool."
"What about if Ah win?"
"Well sir that is very unlikely to happen, but in the event that it did, you could have your choice, my ass or one hundred bucks."
"A hundred bucks!"
Mr. Pool Magician looks around the barroom, takes in all the faces, taking the measure of everyone there. An aura of high expectancy hangs in the air, like a giant holding his breath. Although the 'ass' part has been sotto voce, everyone has heard the 'hundred bucks'. I wait quietly. Finally to break the tension, I signal to the bartender. "Hey Wally, gimme the usual peppermint schnaps and a beer back, please. I turn to Mr. Beauford Pickens. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"Uh ,yeah, sure," he is taken somewhat aback by my suddenly friendly attitude, but well, that's just how I am. He really hadn't done anything to me, except irritate me with his bragging. He can't help his accent, though I can barely stand it. And he probably really is insecure about his manhood.
I cross the three steps that separate us and hold out my hand. "I am Tom Francis. Nice to meet you Beauford, where you from, Montgomery? Hmm, maybe south of Montgomery."
He takes my hand to shake and I hold it a long time before I let go. He looks at my hand, holding his. A questioning look crosses his countenance for a fleeting moment, then he lets go quickly. "Damn," he says, "how'd you do that, guess where Ah'm from like dat. Ah am from Dothan."
"Linguistics is one of my hobbies. That, and, during my military service, I lived in Fort Walton Beach, and I went to college in Tallahassee. I been through Dothan about thirty-five times, hitchhikin' mostly.
"So are you serious about this game? He drops his voice. Do you really want to play for my ass? What does it mean? What would you do with it?
I lean closer, a slight grin on my lips, whisper in his ear. "Fuck it."
"Huh? Oh!" His face is suddenly bright red as he finally realizes what the stakes of the game will be. For real, huh?"
"Yes, for real. What're you drinking?"
"Wild Turkey."
"An excellent choice. Straight up? With a kicker?"
"That kind sir is exactly correct."
"Did you get that ,Wally? Run a tab for me will ya, I'll settle at the end of the night?"
"Will do, Tom. You guys gonna play?"
"Beauford here is still deciding."
"Fer a hundred bucks?'
"Oh you heard that did you?'
"Yeah I heard it. Been a while since we had a game like that around here."
I looked steadily at Beauford, letting him know silently that the real stakes would be known only to me and him and Alex, who had overheard the original conversation. Anyway, for a bet like that you need a witness. Alex was a good friend who knew that I swung both ways, knew it from personal experience because I had seduced him late one night after a poker game at my house. We hadn't repeated our intimacy. That way Alex can maintain the self delusion that it had happened because he was drunk and he really wasn't 'that way'. It remains our little secret, but had actually brought us closer as friends. I knew what had really happened, what he was really like, between the sheets, but felt no need to push it.
Beauford surprises me. "Okay," he says. "You got a deal."
I start grinning so hard I can barely talk. "Okay. Alex! Come here please." Beauford and I shook on the deal and finished the pact with a shot. Alex held the money and was to serve as a sort of referee if their were questions or problems. "Give me a minute, Beauford. I've got to pee and go to my car for a second before we start. Okay?"
"You got it. Man, a hundred bucks," shaking his head.
I return after a few minutes. I have emptied my bladder and retrieved my stick from the trunk of my Camero. I unbuckle my case and draw my sword. My cue is a thing of beauty, a $1500 Mucci like they don't make any more, hand crafted from a single small maple tree of a type they call 'bird's eye maple', with a simple tight leather grip. Inlaid just above the grip are my initials in mother of pearl. It originally weighed 16 ounces, but I have used it so long that it more closely approaches 15. My cue is named "sting" (in my mind only), after Bilbo's Goblin killer.
I win the toss, but defer, and Beauford breaks. I have to admit he handles himself pretty well. He sinks two solids on the break, then two more. The six ball heads for the corner, but he shoots a bit too hard and it bobbles and stays up.
It is my turn. I walk around the table twice, checking out every ball and its relation to every other ball. Beauford probably thinks he has me snookered, as I am close behind the eight, blocked from every other ball, nevertheless, I see the whole game spread out before me, stroke by stroke. I know exactly where I am going to put each ball and in what order. All that is necessary now is for me to do it.