Decoding Desires

***Hey all,

This chapter contains BDSM in the form of wasted/ruined orgasms, and an introduction for Cody in nipple torture and corner time.

As always, let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy.

Penny***

*

Lee and I didn't get a chance to talk on Monday or Tuesday night, which bummed me out a bunch, but we did text quite a bit. Nothing serious, just random odds and ends that make me feel infinitely closer to him with each tiny glimpse into his mind.

Still, I miss him a ton. I hate that we can't see each other Sunday through Tuesday. The thought makes me feel selfish, Lee took off all of Sunday to spend with me, but even a day apart from him feels like too much now.

Wednesday feels like it's a million years long, even though I'm not doing anything particularly hard or stressful. Maybe that's made it worse, that I'm not being challenged enough, so instead I dwell on things I said to Lee that were stupid, or about Jace and how mad I am at him for trying to fuck this up for me.

After about seventy or so hours lunch comes around, and I'm already exhausted from mental pacing and checking the time every five minutes. I grab my gas station protein bar, a blue can of randomly selected energy drink, and Hostess cupcakes, the orange ones because they are amazing and I don't care who says they aren't, out of the car, and decide that it's too freaking hot to sit in a metal box to eat.

I'm looking around for a good place when Donnie catches my eye, then waves me over. She's found the only sort of healthy looking tree on the whole site, and she's set up camp, so to speak.

"Hey, Cody," she calls to me when I'm within speaking and not shouting range.

"Hey, Donnie," I reply, then go to sit down on the curb keeping the tree's roots out of the street. I hesitate, then notice Jon no H on the other side of her and go rigid. "Oh, um. I forgot something. In the car." Real smooth.

Donnie sighs. "Come on, Cody, this's the only tree in the entire joint."

"I can see that," I say, trying not to be snippy. I'm so anxious today that I can feel it all the way up to the roots of my hair, and she doesn't deserve my attitude, but seriously why the fuck is Jon no H there. He looks up at me and smiles the most smug smile in his arsenal of assholery. I'm sizzling with just a look from him. I've never hated someone so much so quickly. "I'll just, ah..."

I turn and walk away, pissy and hot, and already not wanting to eat lunch in my car, but I will not sit next to Smiley McSmuggerface. I just can't do it, not today when the thought of seeing Lee after work is making me anxious-excited, which, when combined with the heat, and since I'm messed up in all the wrong ways, makes me pissy.

"Cody!" Donnie calls after me. I pretend I don't hear her and trot back to my car. It's hot, even with the windows down, and I can't deal, so I turn it on and crank up the AC.

I eat, and check my phone almost neurotically for a message from Lee. I finally get one about five minutes before I'm due back on the clock. 'You on your lunch break?'

I reply, my fingers flying so fast I don't get the spelling right. 'Yup. cqn I call?' I hate it and want to correct it, but before I can my phone rings.

"Hey Cody," he says, his voice a soothing balm to my soul. "How're ya now?"

"Hi Lee. You just get off work?"

"A bit ago. How's work?"

"Fucking sucks, but whatever," I say, unable to be anything less than honest with him.

I can almost hear the frown in his voice. "Bad day?"

"Nah, just hot out, and there's this annoying little intern still buzzing around enough to irritate me."

"Did you have to work with him today?"

I shake my head. "Nah. Hey, I hate to do this, but I only have, like, three minutes before I need to be back."

"Oh. Sorry. You coulda-"

"I know, but I wanted to hear your voice more."

"Oh." He chuckles and it sounds nervous, but I obviously can't see his face, so I don't know for sure. "Yeah. Me too. Um. So, tonight, are we still-"

"Yes, please. Yes," I cut him off, I know it's rude, but I can't stop myself.

He chuckles again and it sounds less nervous, but maybe I'm just hearing what I want to hear. "Good. Good. You think you'll be off on time?"

"Prolly," I say, knowing that unless something stupid happens, I'm gonna hustle to get today's, and tomorrow's work done as quickly as possible. I think about asking for a personal day either tomorrow or Friday, but I also don't know what Lee's schedule is like, so I dismiss it to the back of my mind.

"I can order in and we can, um. Do you wanna come to my place?"

"Yeah, sure. Am I, um. Should I stop and pick up clothes for tomorrow?" I don't know how else to ask him if I can spend the night tonight without just coming out and saying it. Should I have just said it? I look at the clock and realize that I'm already late getting back to work. "Sorry, sorry, I gotta go. I'll call you when I get off work."

"Oh. Yeah. Okay," Lee says. I can't tell if he's disappointed or not. "Talk to you then. Bye Cody."

I hang up before I realize I forgot to say bye back to him and feel like a heel, but I need to get back to work so I can't fix it now. The fucking cupcakes are sitting in my gut like sugar-coated lead weights, and I deeply regret them now, but know I'll do the same thing again tomorrow. I'm a creature of habit. Also, all the sugar and sugar substitutes I've eaten today probably aren't good for me either.

I regret it, but like I said, I also know that I'm just gonna do it again.

Donnie trots over to me about an hour after lunch. "Cody..."

"Hey," I say, still miffed at her.

"Oh, don't be that way," she says, squatting down next to me as I work on outlet wiring. "He's getting better."

"Don't care. You know I can't stand him."

She harrumps. "You need to get over it."

I snort, then focus on my work more than necessary. "Sure."

She sighs. "I just wanted to-"

"You sabotaged me, Donnie. You set me up."

"It wasn't like that. I really, I mean, it is the only shady spot on the whole worksite. And, he's not that bad."

"Who, Jon no H? He's literally the worst."

"He's gotten a ton better."

I look at her, hoping my glare holds every feeling I have for the H-absent douchebag. "Only because he wants to bang you." The look on her face is a bucket of ice, and I realize I've gone too far. "Donnie, wait. I didn't mean-"

She stands up. "You did. You meant it."

"Because it's true!" I say, shovelling at double-time to dig myself even deeper.

Her face is red, I'm sure mine is, too. "You're such a dick sometimes, you know that?"

"Did Jon no H tell you that?"

"I already knew it, dickbag."

Donnie insulting me hurts a lot. "Why are you so upset over this? Why do you even care what I think about him?" She doesn't answer me, and now she won't look at me. "Are you sleeping with him?" Her whole body goes rigid and I suddenly know she is.

For a second I don't recognize her. I'm trying my hardest not to judge her, but it's so freaking hard that I do anyway, and hate myself for doing it, and hate her for making me feel this way. "So what if I am?" she growls after a moment of silence.

"I don't like it."

"I don't care if you don't like it," she snaps. "You're not my mother, Cody."

"Maybe I should be!" I snap back. Fuck, it's so stupid I wanna disappear, but instead I double down. "Like, then, maybe you wouldn't be messing around with a nepotastic manchild like him."

"Nepotastic? What the fuck does that even mean."

"You know what it means. Daddy's little man gets a big boy job."

"Fuck you, Cody. He regrets his first week here, he's really changed."

"Sure he has," I grumble.

"Why are you being like this?" she demands.

Now we're both hot. I can't wrap my head around a world where Donnie is sleeping with the biggest manchild on site. Donnie's one of my only work friends, and now I feel even more isolated.

I suddenly feel like the outcast I probably actually am. I want to complain to someone about this, and I feel even more betrayed because the only person I would've complained to about it is standing here in front of me, pissed at me as much as I'm pissed at her.

I don't even know what to say. Everything I want to say is terrible, so I zip my lips up tight, not prepared to sacrifice the one work friend I have.

She's still standing there, waiting on me to respond, tapping her foot with her arms crossed over her chest. She'll wait there all day, I recognize her stance. I hate that it's being used on me, and I can't handle the tension anymore, so everything I'm feeling busts its way through all my defenses like an overburdened dam.

"You, he. Like, fuck, Donnie. You know how I feel about him. You know how he was with me. And you wonder why I'm upset? Like, you're my only, you're the only person here who gets me, who talks to me more than just the basic work stuff, especially since I was outed. I thought we were the same, like, I don't understand. I don't get it. How are you with him? It feels like you've turned on me."

"Do you hear yourself? Who's the manchild now, Cody?" She squats down again so she's at my level, then balls her hands up and brings them to her eyes. "Wah, wah, Cody got his toy taken away and he's sad."

"It's not like that and you know it. Did you come here just to pick a fight with me? Cause if you did, I have work to do, so you can kindly go fuck off." I've never spoken to Donnie this way before, and it strikes a nerve. She flinches, then stands up and stomps away.

She stops about five paces from me, keeping her back to me. "Fine. Fuck you, too." I can hear that she's holding back tears, but I can't stop myself.

"Did you think that you'd just have me come over and eat with you guys and it would be fine? Fucking rainbows and unicorns? I hate him, Donnie. He's a fucktard. How was that going to work?"

"Don't you talk about him like that. He's not a fucktard."

"Fuck, Donnie. It's like I'm in bizzaro land. Step back and look at what you're doing, and who you're doing it with. He's the owner's son. What are you even doing?!"

"I don't care that he's the owner's son, Cody."

"You don't? You should."

"I like him," she growls.

"Great, good for you," I snap.

"Whatever Cody," she dismisses. She's crying now, it's a kick to my already sugar damaged stomach.

"Donnie, wait," I say, but she's not coming back, I know it. It doesn't sit well with me, our fight, her dating the prodigal son, everything.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I check it, longing for a distraction. It's Lee, and somehow a few words from him blow away my dark clouds, at least temporarily.

'What do you want for dinner?'

I reply fast. 'Anything is good.'

I watch the three little dots bounce as he types. 'Not helpful'

I snort. 'Well, had a shit lunch, so any real food would be good.'

'What'd you have for lunch?'

My stomach turns again and I wonder if all the sugar and stress is going to give me diarrhea later. It feels like he's gonna be mad at me for eating like I'm fourteen. 'Protein bar, cupcakes and energy drink'

My stomach twists as I watch the balls bounce again, and I know I'm gonna have diarrhea, and probably soon.

'You need to eat real food.'

He's disappointed in me, and I don't know how to answer, my dark clouds are back, and twice as thick. I've let him down, I've pissed off my only work friend, I'm wondering what other bridges I can burn since I'm on a roll. I don't think it would bother me this much if I hadn't just had the fight with Donnie, but here we are.

'Sorry' I eventually respond, then shove my phone in my pocket.

I can't handle it, I pull my phone out almost instantly. 'I'll make something healthy' he responded in the time between my pocket and hand.

'You don't hace to' I reply, another spelling error from hitting send too quickly adding weight to the pile of sugar coated anxiety in my guts. My guts gurgle, and I'm heading towards the portajohn.

'Yes, I do,' I see him reply right before locking myself in the hot, septic-scented box. I don't even care, which I usually do, but right now I'm shitting my brains out, so I don't care about anything else other than making the pain go away. It's hot as hell in here, and I'm sweating, but it's a cold sweat, with goosebumps running up both my arms.

The next half hour is a hell I would like to quickly forget, but I'm finally feeling like I don't have to run to the toilet again, at least not right away. I find Bill and give him my request slip. I must look like hell, because he doesn't even question it, just nods, which isn't like him at all.

I barely make it home, I seriously considered stopping at the McDonalds around the corner from my house, but I make it, then spend the rest of the afternoon in and out of the bathroom. I fall asleep, though I don't realize it until my phone rings, catching me in a bad part of my sleep cycle.

It's Lee, and it's already five, and I've fucked everything up today. I consider not answering, so afraid to ruin another thing today, but I want to hear him more. "Hey Lee," I say, my mouth feeling dry.

I fell asleep on the couch, my neck is all sore. I stretch out and head to the kitchen for some water, I'm dehydrated as hell. "Hey, you okay?"

"Hmm?"

"You stopped responding to my texts, and you didn't call me after work. I just, I was worried."

My heart squeezes, I'm disappointed in myself for making him worry. "Oh, I got a bad, um, I had some stomach issues and came home. I musta fell asleep afterwards, just woke up."

"Did I wake you, I'm sorry," he says, sounding concerned. "Are you feeling better?"

I take a sip, then realize I'm super thirsty and chug the rest of the glass. "Yeah. It's been a while, the stomach thing, but it's probably from my anxiety. I'm used to it, to be honest."

"You need to eat better," Lee announces as if he's found the solution.

"I mean, it's from stress, and sometimes my meds. I'm fine now." My stomach gurgles, probably shouldn't have chugged water on an empty stomach. Hunger pangs hit me next, I feel like I could eat a horse. "Hungry though."

"You, um. I made dinner. If you wanted to come over. It's in the crock pot, so it'll still be warm if you wanted to come by later."

"I can come by now," I say.

"You sure? I don't want you to push yourself if you're not feeling well."

"I'm sure." There's no way I'm going another day without seeing Lee.

"You, um. Mentioned bringing clothes?"

"I need a shower first," I declare, suddenly feeling like a disgusting cave troll, covered in grease and grime. "Before I can come over."

"Yeah, okay."

"Is it okay?" I ask.

"What? Is it okay if you shower?"

"No, I meant if I bring clothes, um. Like, you know, a slumber party?" I try to make it a joke, but it just sounds desperate.

"You're always welcome in my home, Cody," Lee declares with so much conviction it moves me.

"Oh. Cool." Fuck me, would I never learn how to speak properly?

We say our goodbyes and I shower quickly, but pay a lot of attention to my downstairs area, which is still a bit tender from the abuse earlier, but is now super clean, inside and out. My hair is wet but I don't care, I want to see Lee more than I'm worried about it frizzing out from drying naturally.

My anxiety grows with each mile closer to Lee's house, and I'm glad I'm already empty, or I'd be locking myself in Lee's bathroom, which is absolutely unacceptable. Lee answers his door before I'm even done knocking, he must have been waiting for me.

"Hey," he says, stepping back to let me inside. Just being here calms my frazzled nerves a bit and I sigh in relief. I haven't even taken my shoes off when Lee's arms wrap around me from behind and pull me in. I relax more, leaning back into him.

"I needed this," I say, not quite a whisper, but close. "Fuck, Lee. I missed you." I turn around in his arms and kiss him on the lips, a quick peck, before breaking out of his arms. I kick my shoes off as fast as I can and throw my overnight bag on his loveseat, then jump into his arms again.

He kisses me gently, his hands on my cheeks. "I missed you, too," he says, then kisses the tip of my nose. It's so genuine and adorable that I'm burning up inside, a flashpoint that sets my whole body alight. I suck his bottom lip just as my stomach gurgles loud enough that Lee jumps. He pulls back, then grabs my hand.

"Come on, let's eat first," he says, tugging me into the kitchen. It smells wonderful in here, like barbeque, and I'm salivating. "Pulled pork, broccoli bake, and a salad sound good?"

"Yes please," I say, then Lee feeds me the best meal I've had in forever. He eats with me and I realize he waited for me so we could eat together, which just makes my heart melt a bit. After dinner he pulls out two small bowls of mixed fruit from the fridge and puts one in front of me.

"You're spoiling me," I say, forking a strawberry. It tastes like sunshine.

"I'm really not."

I snort. "You totally are. You cook for me, like, a lot."

"I like cooking for you, Cody," he says. "If it's spoiling you, then I wanna spoil you."

I'm blushing, so I take another bite. Juicy cantaloupe almost melts on my tongue. Lee watches me closely, his own fruit half gone. He takes a bite, but his eyes are locked on me.

"It's good."

"Good," he replies. "Can I pack your lunch tomorrow?"

I bite my bottom lip. I want a lunch packed by Lee so much, but... "I don't wanna be a burden."

"I don't like that you eat so much garbage, Cody."

It stings because it's true, which prickles my anger. "Sorry." I'm suddenly feeling teenage levels of surly. "It's fine. It's, like, I'm fine."

"Do you like eating that stuff?"

"I mean, at the time I do, because who doesn't like cupcakes."

"But then you feel like shit afterwards?" I frown, not liking how good he is at reading me. "So, you need to eat better. I want to feed you, Cody. It makes me really happy seeing how much you enjoy my cooking."

"I don't wanna put you out," I reiterate. I hate to be a burden on anyone, even if they offer. I know it's messed up, my therapist, years ago when I went to therapy right after my last, official break up with Jace, let me know that it's something I need to work on, but it's at the bottom of a long, neglected list. I'm feeling shitty now, but mostly because of myself.

"What if, um..." Lee starts, looking away from me for the first time. It looks like he's trying to work up the courage to say something hard, something I probably need to hear, but won't take well. It's scary that he knows me so well so quickly.

"What if when you eat garbage for lunch I punish you for it? Like, Brat and Sir style?"

"That is not what I thought you were gonna say," I blurt, completely surprised.

"Is it bad?"

"Uh, no. Not bad. Good. I like, um, it's good." Again, my mastery of the English language astounds me.

He smiles and I feel like I've done something right for the first time today. "Would you, um. I'd like to try time out play, if that sounds like something you'd like to do."

"Wait, what about if I eat good?" Fuck words. Just fuck them.

He shrugs. "We can figure out a good reward system, too."

"Oh. Cool. Um, time out play?" I say, my mind finally catching up to the conversation. "Like, um, like a kid?"

"It's a punishment, right?" Lee says, reaching across the table for my hands. I grab his hands and squeeze. He smiles at me. "Another form of restraint, so to speak."

"You're gonna tie me up and put me in time out?"

He shakes his head. "No, not, I mean, we could do that, too, but I wanted to start out small. Like, just you in the corner. Maybe add in a stress position later, but really it's just you standing in the corner thinking about how you've been bad."