Decoding Desires

The rest of Friday cycles like this. Panic attack puts me out of commission for a good half an hour. I'll get up, do some work to distract myself, but find that my mind keeps repeating Jace's cruel words, followed up by my own fears and insecurities. Cue another panic attack. I mow my lawn, headphones on so I can listen to a podcast, but it doesn't stop the voices in my head.

I have so many panic attacks that I've lost count, or maybe it's all just one big panic attack that has phases. Either way, the day is practically gone, but I don't remember much of it other than struggling to breathe and drowning in depression. Oh, and mowing the lawn. Also, dishes are done, so I must've done that, too, but I don't really remember. Did I eat? Not sure. Doesn't matter.

My phone rings, but I don't answer it. It's in the other room, and that's so far away that I can't even bother to muster the energy to roll off the couch. I have it set to an old-fashioned ringer so it sounds like a rotary phone ringing. Each ring makes me feel more and more stressed out, and when it finally either goes to voicemail or they hang up I'm biting my nails.

My phone rings again less than five minutes later. I ignore it, but each time it rings it feels like I'm holding onto an electric fence, like, I know I need to answer it, but I also can't move.

It doesn't ring again, and I'm both unsettled and relieved at the same time. I'm worried it's Jace, but calling from Shauna's phone because he knows I've blocked him now. I'm worried it's Lee and I'm not good enough. I'm worried it's Carrie calling to chew me out for letting Jace kiss me, even though there is almost no way she would know that yet.

Finally I have to piss so bad I have to get up off the couch or I'm gonna pee myself, so I pick up my phone on the way.

It was work, which actually was a huge relief. Bill left a message, which I listened to on speaker while I peed for, like, ten minutes. Well, not ten minutes, but it felt like a long time. I had to pee so bad that it felt amazing as I did, a tiny bit painful at first, then really, really satisfying.

They had a job tomorrow for me, if I wanted the overtime. I flushed and washed up, then considered going in. It would be good money, and also give me an excuse not to see Lee tomorrow, or at least until I figured out what I was gonna do. I also really wanted to talk to Lee, but Jace's messy kiss, his hand on my little man, it all had me feeling such incredible guilt that even thinking about Lee at all almost spiraled me back into another panic attack.

I had Bill's number up, my finger hovering over the call button when my phone rang. It startled me so much I answered it before thinking it through.

"Hey Cody, how're'ya now?"

Fuck, Lee's voice was just what I needed to hear right now, even if I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve it, and the feeling ballooned up in my chest until I couldn't breathe again.

"Fine," I squeaked. "Fine. Normal. Everything is fine."

"Cody?" Lee asked. "You okay?"

"Peachy. Hunky-dory," I say, way too quickly. I can't calm down.

"Hey, hey, are you having a panic attack?" he asks.

I am. I suddenly realize that this past week I was so tied up with Lee and feeling so good that I hadn't taken my meds at all. I suddenly can't remember the last time I took my meds. "Nope. No, nope." I couldn't stop the lie as it slipped between my lips.

I could hear Lee was driving. He didn't say anything for a second, but I knew he hadn't hung up because I could hear the traffic around him, and the hum of his car. "Cody, can I come over? I'm almost back to town, about twenty minutes out, so I could be there in half an hour probably."

"I'm fine," I dismiss, but my voice is too high, I can't calm down. I don't want Lee to see me like this. "Nothing's wrong. How's your dad?"

Again, a wall of silence in the miles between us. "Dad's fine. Don't, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but it sounds like you need someone there. If you don't want me to come, do you want me to call Carrie?"

"No!" I bark, then cringe at myself. "No. Not Carrie."

"Cody, I wanna see you," Lee says, obviously worried.

"I'm fucked up," I admit, feeling unhinged. I'm back in the bathroom, looking for my pills, but the only amber bottle I find has one lonely pill in the bottom. I take four a day, usually, two in the morning and two at night. One isn't gonna cut it. I have no idea how I even have only one, shouldn't it at least be an even number?

I realize that I haven't needed them, when I'm with Lee, and maybe I do need him here. It's killing me, though, I don't want him to see me like this, all weak and broken.

"You're not fucked up," Lee says. His tone is so confident that I believe him ever so slightly. "Cody, I'm coming over, okay?"

"Whatever you want," I say, and I regret it instantly, the way I say it is way too flippant.

"It's not about what I want," he says. "It's about what you need. What do you need, Cody?"

My throat is tight again, and still my brain manages to get out the words I don't want it to say. "You." It's a whisper, throaty and raw, and I'm hoping he doesn't hear it. I'm hoping he hears it. Here I am, the usual juxtaposition.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Leave the front door open for me, Cody."

"Okay," I whisper.

"Cody?"

"Hmm?"

"Would it help if I gave you directions to follow until I'm there?"

I'm trying my best to answer him, but it's hard. I keep it simple. "Yes."

"Okay. Order pizza to be delivered, I'm assuming you haven't eaten all day."

"But, cheese?" I ask.

"I have lactaid, I'll take some now. Order a pizza, half bacon and mushrooms, half whatever you want. Take a shower after you order and wash yourself clean, including your ass and junk. Especially your ass and junk. I'm assuming you didn't do what I asked you to do earlier, and before you even start to worry about it forget about it. I'm serious. If you want to do it in the shower, then do it. If not, don't.

"Get dressed in something comfortable and easy to move around in. If I'm still not there by then, I want you to take five deep breaths, then call me back, okay?"

I nod. "Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry, Lee."

"Do not be sorry, Cody. You're not sorry. There's nothing to apologize for."

"There is, I'm a fuck up."

"Cody?" Lee says, his voice firm. "Shut up. Do what I just told you to do, and be ready for me. If the pizza comes before me you have to eat at least two slices. Okay?"

"Okay, Lee."

"Go, do that stuff now. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I miss you," I blurt, but what I really mean is 'I love you'. I'm done for, it's too late for me.

"I miss you, too, Cody," Lee says, his tone softer. "Wait for me, K?"

"Yeah," I promise.

"I mean it, Cody. I'm on my way, and whatever's got you all upset, we'll deal with it together, okay?"

He's so damn nice I'm almost crying. I have to hold my breath, that's how close I am to breaking down, and I can't, not in front of Lee. "K." It's all I can muster. I can tell he's frustrated, but he doesn't press me, and I'm more grateful than I should be.

"Twenty minutes, Cody. Pizza, shower, breathing, call me. Understood?"

"Uh-huh," I hum.

"Okay. Bye, Cody."

I hold back a sob. "Bye." I hang up, but can't move for a few seconds or minutes or days, I'm trying to learn how to breathe and not break down. After some time I feel a little more in control, and I head to the bathroom for my shower before.

I'm naked and the water is running when I realize I forgot to order a pizza. I turn the water off and call, and it's only a little awkward ordering pizza from some kid while I'm naked. I get in the shower, but I'm feeling way too guilty after letting Jace paw on me to stretch myself, I don't deserve Lee after that, but he told me to wash good, so I do, inside and out.

It makes me feel better that Lee gave me directions. Each task I check off on the list gives me this sense of accomplishment that I didn't know I needed, but I did. Carrie's right, he's good for me, and I don't want to tell her that, cause it'd give her a big head, but she already knows it so whatever.

I just hope I can be good enough for him. After the incident with Jace, I'm seriously questioning my worth.

He said to dress comfortably, so it's a pair of gym shorts and an old tshirt. I debate for two whole minutes whether I should wear underwear or not, then decide I'll go with a nice pair of silky black boxer briefs, the ones that make my package look nice.

I hear the door open during my third deep breath and suddenly there's not enough air in the room for the fourth one. For a split second I worry it's Jace and the whole world goes black.

"Cody?" I hear Lee call out. I suck in a deep breath and fall backwards on the bed.

"Thank fucking god," I swear under my breath before calling out to Lee. "In my room!"

I owe him two more breaths, so I take the fourth one lying down, my heart still trying to evacuate my body by breaking my sternum it's beating so hard. I hear him coming down the hall as I blow out slowly, then suck in my fifth deep breath.

"You okay?" Lee asks. My eyes are closed, I'm afraid to look at him.

"Am now," I admit, not what I wanted to say, but it's true, so whatever. Anything else I would have said would have been stupid anyway.

"You wanna talk about it?"

I shake my head, eyes still closed. "Not right now."

Lee sits on the bed next to me, the first time he hasn't asked. "Did you follow the directions?"

I nod. "Everything else, but the pizza's not here yet."

"That's okay. Good job, Cody."

If anyone else said that to me right now I'd be pissed like it was patronizing, but with Lee it feels rewarding. He's like no one else I know, makes me feel ways that I've never encountered before. It's refreshing, and I want more.

"Sorry." I sigh, then sit up. Lee slides his hand onto my thigh and I can't help it, I cringe, then cringe at my cringing. He doesn't say anything, but he takes his hand away and I'm wishing for the time machine again. "Sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"Always being me, I guess," I answer after a brief silence in which I realize he isn't going to let me off without answering.

"Always be yourself," Lee demands. "I never want you to be fake with me, Cody."

Jace's earlier presence, what he did to me, it's burning me from the inside out, frying my guts. I don't know what to say, and I'm afraid to look at him because deep down, I'm a coward, so I turn over onto my side.

He sighs. "What's your favorite time of year? Season, I mean."

"Huh? My favorite season?" I ask, confused.

"Yeah. Your favorite season."

"Um, fall. Why?"

"Mine's winter. I know most people don't like it, but I love the cold. I love waking up to a blanket of snow on the ground, covering everything and making it all fresh and new. The way it absorbs sound so that if you get up early enough, it feels like you're alone, the only person in the whole world."

"Oh. I'm not a fan, it's too cold and I still end up working outside a lot, so it hurts my fingers since I can't wear gloves and also do wiring."

"Why do you like fall?"

"I love the smell of it. Like, the weather is nice, cool nights and warm days, but the smells are the best. Apples and cinnamon and pumpkins, falling leaves, fresh cut hay, I dunno. Fall is special, like the whole year has been working hard and it's finally paying off. Also, Carrie and my birthday is in October, so there's that, too."

"Oh? When?"

I roll over and look at him. He's not his usual kempt self, he's got a black tshirt and jeans, and both look well worn. I instantly love seeing another side of him. "October fifteenth," I reply. "When's yours? Fair's fair and all."

He chuckles. "March thirtieth," he says. There's a bit of grease or something on his cheek and I'm leaning over to rub it off before I realize it. I pull back before I actually touch him.

"You have something, um, on your cheek there," I say when he looks at me curiously, brushing my own cheek where his smudge is.

He smiles at me. "I didn't get a chance to freshen up yet, was doing some chores for Dad." He wipes his face and looks back at me, his smile piercing my heart. I sit up, then pull my legs up onto the bed.

"That's okay," I insist. I like that he looks like this, like, I like seeing him all perfect, too, but seeing Lee this way, it made him feel even more masculine to me.

"You okay?" he asks, turning towards me, and dammit, he's good. He's totally got me calmed down with just a few questions.

"How'd you do that?" I ask.

"Do what?" He actually has the consideration to look confused.

I bite my lower lip before answering, choosing my words carefully. "How'd you know how to calm me down like that?"

He shrugs. "I dunno. I'm pretty good at reading people, and it seemed like something upset you, so I thought we'd talk about something else."

I mull this over for a bit. "Fine. My turn, then. What's your favorite ice cream, oh, wait, shit, you're lactose intolerant. That's a bad question."

"No, just because I'm lactose intolerant doesn't mean I don't like ice cream," he interjects. "You'd have to be a monster not to like some form of icy treat, right?"

I laugh, I can't help it. "I knew a kid in school when we were kids who didn't like sweet things at all, not even ice cream."

"What a weirdo," Lee says, smiling playfully.

"Indeed. So, what's yours?"

He puts his hand on the bed next to me, palm down. Is he testing me? "I'm a sucker for a good cookie dough ice cream. You?"

I'm staring at his hand, then I give up, the urge to touch him is too great. I put my hand over his and he flips it over, and then we're holding hands. He rewards me with a smile. "Hmm, there's so many good ones, I don't have a particular flavor. I guess it depends on what's available. Like, I really like Reece's cups in my ice cream. But, I also really like whitehouse ice cream, the one with maraschino cherries? But, then there's also ones that are swirled with caramel? Oh, and who doesn't love a good cookies and cream? It's too hard to pick just one, you know?"

Lee's smiling. He squeezes my hand. "Sure. How long til pizza?"

I look at my arm like I'm wearing a watch for no good reason, I don't even own a watch, but I do it anyway. "I don't know what time it is. It's been a while, so maybe like ten minutes or something?"

Lee nods. "Have you eaten today?"

I think about it, but I really don't remember. "I don't know."

"How do you not know?" he asks, turning to face me. It isn't mean, how he asked it, but I still feel like an idiot that I don't have an answer.

"Um..."

"That's okay," he says, changing the subject. "Do you mind if I use your restroom to clean up a bit?"

"Sure, sure," I say. "Whatever you need. Do you want a shower?"

He chuckles. "I didn't bring a change of clothes. I'm just gonna wash up in the sink and hit the bathroom."

"Oh. Okay," I say, sort of relieved that he's going to stay 'working Lee' as opposed to 'business casual Lee', I really like seeing him like this, a slice into who he really is.

He shuts the door and I head to the kitchen, feeling at least functional, which is better than I have since Jace was here. Just the thought of him brings me down several notches. I busy myself with plates and napkins, then glasses with water, because I don't have anything else but milk and I don't even know what Lee likes to drink, other than the lemonade, but I'm out of that.

I'm fiddling nervously with the plates when I hear a knock at the door. Again, my first instinct is that it's Jace. I chide myself for being an idiot and go retrieve the pizza, giving the delivery girl two twenties even though it's a lot more than the pizza cost. She seems surprised and stutters out a thanks before I shut the door and head to the table.

Lee is there, giving me a jump. "Shit, I didn't hear you," I gasp, my hand over my heart. I'm super jumpy, more than was necessary, and he notices, too. "Pizza's here."

"I noticed," he says, pulling out a chair. I put the box on the table between our plates, across from each other. "Smells good." He opens the box, then looks up at me. "You got the same thing?"

I shrug. "I like whatever on pizza, except for anchovies or green olives."

"Who puts green olives on pizza?" Lee asks. He takes a slice of pizza and puts it on the plate, then follows it up with a second slice, then hands the whole thing to me. I must look confused, because he follows it up with, "eat," then nudges the plate into my hand.

I take it and he nods, then picks up two more slices of pizza and sits down. I'm watching him, and he's watching me, so I pick up a slice and take a bite. He nods again, then bites into his own.

I'm hungry. I must not have eaten today, because the second the first bite hits my stomach suddenly it's angry and demanding more. The first slice is gone before I realize it and I'm licking the sauce from my fingers on one hand while picking up the other slice with the other.

Lee is eating more slowly, watching me as I go all carnal on my slice. "What happened this morning?" he asks.

I swallow hard, then nearly choke on the bite before it goes down my throat. "How'd you know?"

"You were fine last night when we talked. Carrie texted me this afternoon that you might be a little weird, but not this level of weird. So, I assume something happened that triggered another panic attack. Do you take medication, Cody, for your anxiety?"

I'm laser-focused on the crust of the second piece of pizza. "Yeah, um, usually, ah, but, I'm out. How, um, how'd you know?"

"I saw. Sorry, I didn't mean to snoop, but the bottle was on the counter when I went into the bathroom. Do you have more?"

I shake my head, ashamed of my inability to take care of even myself. He opens the box and takes another piece of pizza out, then puts it on my plate, and even though I'm freaked out, I'm still hungry, so it's in my mouth in a second. It also gives me something to hide behind, something to keep me from spilling my pathetic guts to him.

"When'd you run out?"

I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for an answer. I swallow, then drink half a glass of water before answering. "Dunno. It's been a while."

"Cody..." He's disappointed in me and it's crushing me, but also pissing me off, but at myself.

"Whatever, Lee," I bark, embarrassed to death. "It doesn't matter." I hate the words as they leave my mouth, but I'm not in control.

"It does. We'll come back to this, but I want to know what happened today."

"Well, I don't want to tell you," I snap. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't stop myself, not now that I've started. "It's got nothing to do with you. Just drop it. Like, why do you even care, like, if I'm taking my meds or not."

Lee looks hurt and it hurts me that I've hurt him, but I'm feeling unhinged and once it's like that I am at the mercy of my inner demons, and they're really good at fucking up my life. Case in point, Jace is somehow still around.

Lee doesn't say anything, so I eat, avoiding looking at him, feeling like a surly teenager. I know I'm in the wrong, but I can't sort myself out enough to fix it.

Lee stands up, then pushes his chair in. He takes his plate, still a slice of pizza on it, into the kitchen, then comes back empty handed. "If you don't want me here, that's okay. I can leave."

"No." It's the only thing I can say. Words are failing me.

He sighs. "If you don't want to talk to me, then there's no point in me sticking around, right? I'm obviously bothering you."

He watches me for a minute, then turns and heads to the door. My whole world is caving in, crashing down, Jace's words haunting me. I hate him, Jace, not Lee, I could never hate Lee. What's worse is that I hate myself for letting Jace be right all the time.