Dear Samuel

Friday

Dear diary,

The air is still and warm, and the room is stuffy, like a greenhouse. It hurts to write, for my fingers tips are full of little cuts from my picking cotton today. As you pick the delicate white fluffy balls, some dry sharp tips of the cotton burr pierce and prick the tips of your finger. Samuel, the son of the owner of the cotton field, says he uses a cotton ball drenched in alcohol and applies it to the cuts. It hurts but it relieves the pain and stops the bleeding. None of my brothers complain about it, for they say it's just natural when you're out working in the fields.

I pause and blow my bruised fingers. I hear the TV from my bed, for my brothers are watching a western. Tomorrow is Saturday and we are returning to the cotton fields again. Samuel says we've got to make extra money during cotton picking season. I'm saving everything I make in the bank. My cousin Joana bought herself a small portable radio from her earnings. She lives in our small town, while I live on grandpa's farm. We study in the same class in the morning.

Saturday

Dear diary,

It's time I went to bed. Tomorrow I go to the church again, for the evening Mass. I love to sing new hymns, learn new words from the bible, and walk around town in the evening. Mom, dad, Fabrício, and Sérgio went to our cousin's wedding tonight. She's the first cousin in our family to get married. Leandro, the groom, is also a farmer and owns a small piece of land. People say their marriage was arranged, like a lot of other Japanese marriages. Cristiano and I decided to stay home. He is in his room listening to music from some cassette tapes he's recorded. All the money that he earns picking cotton, he's used to buy records and blank cassette tapes. He loves to record on these tapes his favorite bands and play non-stop in his room. He says all his friends like rock and heavy metal. I prefer classical and church hymns.

Now, back to the topic of the wedding, it's not that I don't like weddings, but I prefer to stay home and put my thoughts down on my diary. All our cousins are going to be there, and it's going to be a big family event. I told Samuel that I would not go and begged him not to tell my other cousins of my decision. He laughed and asked me why not? At wedding receptions people eat nice free food, sweets, and a cake. Besides, you drink sodas, beers, and even whisky to your heart's content. Not to mention that you see nice people in their best clothes, many cars around, dance, decoration, music, etc. He said I was a fool not to go. I later told him that I hated when my cousins, uncles, and aunts asked me if I had a girlfriend. He chuckled and asked if I did. "Well, no! And you?" He smiled and shook his head. Then, I changed the subject and even suggested a bet. He said he was going to win and I would end up going to the wedding. On top of that, I would have to pay him a beer. He was wrong! So, now I am getting a new notebook to write on!

Earlier today, he helped me lift my bag full of cotton, which he said was quite heavy. I'm sure he lied to me, just to make me feel better, for I never pick much cotton, like the others. Maybe because my finger tips hurt so much. I had to hide them so that he wouldn't see the cuts. He drives the large truck that brings the workers and carries the loads of cotton to his dad's big barn. I am glad I live near the cotton fields, so I don't need to ride on that large truck. I overheard some people say that Samuel and other guys were going to play soccer on the following day. They plan to roast meat and drink beer there. I don't like to drink beer. Cristiano is now trying my door and I tell him to get lost. Luckily for me that I've locked it, otherwise I would have no privacy to write!

Sunday

Dear diary,

Tonight I'm eating some of the last sweets that mom brought from the wedding. She put them in her large purse and brought home for us. I bet most of my aunts did the same. She said the wedding was fine. She also said that people were asking about us. Even grandma managed to go.

By the way, I didn't watch Samuel and his team play soccer or attend their barbecue, like my brothers did. Instead, I walked to the fields and admired the endless cotton plantation. To my surprise, some people were working today! Father Simão told us in the evening Mass that people ought to attend Mass and rest on Sundays, for it's the day of our Lord. I would never work on a Sunday for fear of committing a sin!

Then I went down to the spring, where Samuel usually fills the large pitchers with cool water for the workers. In fact, he carries two very large pitchers, for he is a strong young man. We drink a lot of water in the fields. When we are done with our work at the end of the day, we rush to the spring and drink water and refresh ourselves. At times, Samuel would tell us to walk quietly. Then he would shout and a young man and a girl would come out of the woods in a hurry. I didn't think it was funny, but he and my brothers would laugh hard and tease them.

In any case, today I sat on a stone by the small river and removed my hat. I looked around and began to write very fast, for someone could come by any moment to get water and find me writing. As I wrote a line, I noticed that some pieces of grass and thorns were stuck to my pants. I put my small notebook and pen aside and began to remove them. Samuel always laughs when I do that. He says his mother and sisters do that for him. He wears some rough jeans and cotton plaid shirts that he always removes because of the heat. His arms are tanned, but his hairy chest and belly are not.

Samuel once told me he wanted to buy himself a large farm. I asked him why if his family already owned so much land. He chuckled and said the land ought to be split among his brother and sisters. He just wished to have his own land. I nodded. I told him I was about to finish high school this year and wanted to go to university, though mom and dad had no money to pay for my education. He remained quiet, as if searching for something to say. He asked me if I was going to be a writer someday. "Why do you ask?" I turned to him. He said he heard from others I walk around the fields with my pen and notebook.

I felt so embarrassed and said no one would ever want to read what I wrote, for they're stupid silly things. He smiled and bit a stem of grass. He said he would like to read whatever I wrote. I told him he would laugh at me. He threw away the grass stem and looked into my eyes. He said he'd never laugh at me.

Oh, boy! I've already written this much! I'd better stop here. Tomorrow I've got my final tests and school should be over!

Monday

Dear diary,

Today Samuel came to the field with a black eye. People laughed and teased him. They said he fought yesterday because of the soccer game. They said that the other guy, a much bigger one confronted him. They rolled on the grass. Samuel being the smaller man, got the better of the situation though, for he was very strong. I could imagine what the other guy got in return. He wasn't in his talking mood today and avoided everybody.

When I spoke to him, I was dismayed, for I saw a broken front tooth too. His eye and tooth looked bad, but he said he would fix the tooth at the dentist in town. About his black eye, well, it would heal itself. People teased him all the time. I asked him if he was feeling any pain and he said he was only feeling a mild headache. I then poured some water on a plastic cup and offered it to him with a smile. I thought for a moment and then apologized, saying I wasn't laughing at him.

He smiled for the first time and said he didn't think I would do it. He took the cup with his large and hairy hand and, I could see a tear in his eye. He said I was his real friend and I blushed. He drank from the cup and said he'd get better faster, because I cared for him. But it was just water, I said. He said it was my kind action that made all the difference. I brushed it off and remained silent. About his black eye and broken tooth, truth be said, actually, I think he didn't look that ugly at all. Instead, he looked more assertive and masculine. I don't know why I am underlying these words. Maybe that's because they're new and befitting to him.

Friday

Dear diary,

I haven't written for four days! Tomorrow I go to the church and later I watch a nice movie on TV. All my friends in school are going to watch it. I really want to see it too. It's a comedy and it's called 'The Bird Cage.' By the way, I passed all my school subjects, even math, which I found harder than other subjects! Samuel said math was easy for him when he was in school, but he hated Portuguese grammar and Brazilian Literature, which I had top grades! He said if he was still in school, he would tag around me for answers on a test. I said I would ask him for some math lessons; but I could never cheat on a test. He just nodded and dropped the subject off. What a great relief! Now I'm done with high school!

Samuel said he was going to a ball tonight. He invited me to go out with him. But I said I didn't like those places. He asked me why? I told him I could never stand the noise. Besides, I told him I was scared of people using drugs and drinking alcohol. He laughed and said not everybody does those things. I was glad that Samuel didn't smoke, though he drank beer. People said that Samuel liked to drink beer and ride horses. Some girls that were working near me today were talking about boys. Then, one of them mentioned Samuel's name. My heart began to pound fast and I strained my ear to hear them. My cheeks burned and my lips got dry. They said he was not the kind of guy to get married to, being too wild, independent, and queer. They said that he liked parties, soccer, and beer. I had to agree with them. He was quite wild. But why queer if he was so popular and assertive? One girl said that he was already twenty-five. It was surely odd, for he never spoke of girls nor did he have a girlfriend.

Anyway, I thought it was just natural, for he always hanged around younger boys, who in turn, weren't mature enough to date. I wonder about my own life. When will I also fall in love? Will I know what to do and act naturally? Besides, what does a kiss on the mouth taste like? At times I would kiss my own closed fist and pretend to kiss like they do it in the movies or soap operas. I smile dreamily as I think of the leading actors kissing their mates in the end of a movie.

Saturday

Dear diary,

My fingers hurt a little, but not so much today. And guess what? It was payment day today! Samuel asked me what I was going to do with the money. I told him I was going to put it in the bank. "All of it?" Yes, I told him. He joked and said that I was going to make the bank rich, and we laughed.

Well, tonight something very strange happened after the church. It was very odd for sure.

In the church, I always sit in the front pew, for I like to pay attention to Father Simão's sermons. When I received my communion wafer, I saw Samuel in the line too. It was very odd, since I didn't know he went to the church in the first place, much less alone for I didn't see his parents nor his siblings. Had he committed a serious sin against the Lord that he needed to ask for His forgiveness? When he saw me, he smiled and winked at me. I blushed and smiled too.

As I left the church, we met again. He was in front of his truck. We spoke briefly. He said he wasn't really surprised that I was going to walk back to dad's farm at night, and alone. I love to walk home at night, I told him. He then offered me a ride in his truck. I was quite glad and of course accepted it! I noticed that he had washed his truck and I even picked the scent of roses on the seats. He was also dressed up and looked fine. He didn't even look the same person I always met in the cotton fields. He looked more mature and smart and I could even smell of his cologne. He wore a dark brown cotton shirt with short sleeves, some black dress pants, light gray nylon socks, and polished black shoes. I even teased him if he was going to attend a wedding. He said he wasn't.

The ride home was a short one. I don't know why, but intimately, I wished it had lasted a bit longer or that he would invite me to sit by the square, in front of church. That's the spot young couples would sit and have ice-cream. When he dropped me home, mother invited him to come over for some coffee and cake. I was sure he would refuse, for it was a Saturday evening and he would probably go out to a nice party. But to my surprise, he ended up accepting. I helped mother serve and pour coffee for everyone. My younger brother noticed and complained that I gave Samuel a bigger slice of cake. I told him he was a guest and should have this right. Samuel smiled and said the cake was a real treat. Then he took the cup from my hands and thanked me. I smiled and sat down. Mother asked him several questions regarding his family. Dad asked if he was dating a girl, and he said he still didn't find someone that crazy, and turned to me and smiled.

I blushed and drank my coffee. Cristiano, my youngest brother said he should date me. I told him to shut up and left the room. Dad made him apologize. Samuel kindly came to my room and told me it was ok. He promised me that if I returned to the kitchen, he would tell us his favorite stories. He wiped my tears and I told him I was fine. To my surprise, I learned tonight, that he was a very good storyteller. He amused us with his stories of distant lands, adventures, speaking animals, and people in love. When he left the house, my brother Cristiano teased me again, saying my boyfriend was leaving. I just waited for Samuel's truck to disappear into the night and fought with him. Mother told us to quit it.

Back to my room, I began to feel conscious, for Samuel entered here and saw how poor and cramped my room was. Yet, he was kind and I really liked his gentle touch.

Dear God, can this be, love?

Sunday

Dear diary,

How lazy I feel today. I am the last one to get up. I check the time, nine-fifty A.M.! I look out and notice the clouds high above in the sky. I am afraid it might rain, but mom says it will not. I'm still thinking of Samuel's stories from last night. Where did he learn so much? I'm surely going to write them down, else I'll forget them. I don't have a sharp memory like he does. I don't even have his creativity to think up of different lands and talking animals! My writing is quite limited and I feel conscious about it.

Oh, one more thing. I must keep my diary in a hidden place, for I'm sure Cristiano is reading it! No wonder he provoked me last night! How dumb I am! I must be more careful with my things. I'm sure he does it because I'm always telling mom he's got bad grades in school and show her his F grades in tests, which he hides under his pile of records. He says I'm too nosy to meddle with his things.

Well, mother is already calling me to the kitchen to help her. She needs my help to prepare some roasted chicken, after all, today is Sunday and we always have special food then.

Some time later at night:

Dear God! I really need your help and guidance now! My hands are still shaking and I think I cannot write, for tears keeping pouring out. Stupid me!

For one thing, my brother knows everything about my feelings for Samuel! I told him if he opens his big mouth, he won't see his records anymore, because I'd scratch them.

But this is not what I wish to write about here. Oh, Lord! Help me to be an honorable and decent young man! Help me to find happiness in an honorable and decent way, else, I won't be able to go to the church to worship you anymore!

Well, where do I start?

Like I said, I helped mom in the kitchen in the morning. Oh boy, we had a full day today! And something, well, something special happened to me today.

Samuel and his dad came to have lunch with us. I could not believe it when mom told me dad had invited them. No wonder she was making some special dishes and needed my help in the kitchen. Well, apparently, his mother and siblings were away on an unexpected trip. I think his dad mentioned the death of a distant relative. In any case, I was not expecting them for lunch, so I felt tremendously self-conscious about the clothes I wore and the simple and plain table arrangement in our house. When I helped mom prepare the meal, I was feeling quite clumsy. Then their truck arrived.

Dad and my brothers went to greet our guests. Mom and I remained in the kitchen, quickly preparing the last minute arrangements. I could hear Samuel's voice from the veranda. Later, I could hear them playing soccer in the grass pasture. When it was about lunchtime, they all rushed to the kitchen. Samuel and his dad came and greeted mom and I. Samuel particularly liked the food very much. Mom said it was rather salty. But Samuel and his dad said it was fine.

After lunch, Cristiano helped mom and I with the dishes. He complained the whole time, saying it was a woman's job to do them. Mom told him he had to help too, since she had no girls in the house. I smiled and remained quiet. Cristiano saw me smiling and became angry and threatened to tell Samuel I loved him. I was about to stab him with a fork when mom stopped us. She said if we continued fighting, no one would be allowed to go outside for the remaining of the day. Besides, she'd tell dad to give us a nice beating with his raw leather belt.

After we finished the work, all the boys decided to take a swim in the pond. Mom told us not to go swimming right away, since we had just eaten lunch and could drown in the pond. I felt extremely conscious since I did not have any new shorts to put on. The ones I had, were from my older brothers and had holes or were stretched or even stained. I would die of shame if Samuel noticed me wearing them.

As we arrived at the pond, my brothers removed their shirts and jumped into the pond. They said the water was warm and great for a swim. They splashed water and swam along in circular movements. Samuel turned to me and invited me for a swim. I told him I wouldn't, for I didn't have a new pair of shorts to wear. Then he said he wouldn't swim unless I entered the water too. Then I said I only had my underwear on. He smiled and said he did too. Then he began to remove his plaid cotton shirt, while I also removed mine.

I was impressed by his muscular and tanned arms. His chest was strong and hairy. I felt so small beside him. My chest was flat and my body was not tanned. I felt less of a man, standing next to him. Then he removed his jeans in a rather unceremonious manner. I turned my head away and didn't want to see his privates. I did the same. I felt extremely conscious, for we were the only ones swimming in our underwear. The water was really great and we had a lot of fun then. Samuel played with my brothers in a water fight. I sat by the edge and watched them play. Then they all decided to come out to dry. I looked at the other way to avoid staring at him in his wet underwear.

After a little while, we put our clothes on and decided to pick some sugar cane to suck on the delicious juice. In no time, my brothers were already grabbing the long canes and breaking them. Samuel picked a thick one, and broke it. He used a very nice penknife and cleaned the hard edge and offered me some pieces. I thanked him and took them and chewed on the sweet juice. He then lent to my brothers his penknife. And before we went back home to play soccer, Samuel cleaned his penknife on his jeans, turned to me, and handed it to me as a gift. He said it was a gift so I would not forget him and our friendship. The rest of the afternoon we played soccer.

Yes, for the first time in my life I learned to play it! Samuel insisted I play in his team. He taught me to play and we won the game. Of course we won it because he was in our team. I recall vividly the moment we touched hands to celebrate the victory, locking our fingers together. His hands felt warm and quite callused. It sent me shivers down my spine when I accidentally bumped into his furry chest. Several times, when I fell, he came and helped me get on my feet. Then he would pat my back and we would start the game again. In the end, as it was getting dark, Samuel's dad was getting ready to leave.