Dave and Leroy

Chapter 9 - Depression, Disappearance and Rekindling

Dave laid behind Leroy and snuggled up to him. "I love you, Leroy." He could feel Leroy tense, Dave knew Leroy was retreating, plain and simple. He could also tell Leroy was falling deeper and deeper into depression, anything Dave did to help pull him out just cause Leroy to fall in further. It didn't help that the holidays were coming up fast. "Leroy, please look at me." Leroy slowly turned over, Dave held Leroy's head so he could look him in the eyes. "Leroy, do you still love me?"

"Yes, Dave, I do, I just don't love myself right now. I'm so tired, Dave, I'm tired of just being here, day after day. I can't stand it anymore."

"Babe, once we can get a handle on the seizures then you will be able to do more. The doctors even told you this. Honey, just give it another month. You haven't had a seizure in a few weeks, and hopefully, this will all be behind us soon."

"I know, but I want my old life back, and I will never have it."

"Leroy?" Dave looked at him and held his face in my hands again. Dave wanted him to look at him. "Babe, will you do me a favor, please?"

"What is it, Dave?"

"Come with me to see a counselor, please. He works with couples, I believe we need some help too. This didn't just change you, Babe, it changed us. I love you, and I want to help you."

"Can I think about it?" Leroy asked.

"Yes."

That discussion happened earlier in the week, Dave was worried about Leroy. He never knew what he was going to come home to. Leroy was either angry, crying or sleeping, every once in a blue moon he would come home to HIS Leroy, the one he loved so much and missed.

One night Dave came in from work and found Leroy sleeping in one of the spare rooms, which shocked Dave to see him there. He didn't say anything, just climbed into bed and cuddled up next to him and Leroy woke up, "Hi, babe."

"I love you, Leroy."

"I know, Dave, I love you too."

"Why are you here, Leroy?"

"I just felt like lying down in this room, and then I thought about it." Leroy grinned a devilish smile. "We've not once in all our years in this house, fucked in this room."

"Oh no you don't." Dave laughed.

"What?"

"You try to fix everything with sex, Leroy. I love you, but I would like us to go see a counselor."

"Why? I'm fine, just a little off that's all."

"Leroy, you think you are a burden to me, as much as I keep telling you that you're not. You keep dropping deeper into depression. I love you, Hon. Please, we've been through too much for anything to come between us now. Please, will you come to see one with me?"

Leroy looked at Dave for a few minutes, he knew he needed help, but he didn't want to admit it. "I know, I have to find something to do Dave, I feel useless. Dave, it's killing me just sitting here day after day, losing time when I have a damn seizure, scaring the hell out of everyone that I love, including you. I see how you look at me when I come out of the fuzz of a seizure, Dave. I see the torment in your eyes. I hate it, I hate all of it. I want my life back. I wish I never had the tumor, I hate everything now." Leroy started crying, and Dave held him.

"It's okay, Babe, it's okay." Dave was trying to soothe Leroy. "Leroy, Honey, I'm always here, you can talk to me, share your feelings with me, I know you have been through a lot this year. Are you willing to go with me?"

"I'm not ready to open up to anyone, Dave, will you give me some time?"

"Yes, Leroy, I will."

Dave could see an improvement in Leroy, at least he hopes he saw an improvement. He came home one night from work, and Leroy was sitting in the living room waiting for him. "Hey, Babe, you're up and waiting for me?"

"I wanted to talk to you, Dave, please sit down." Dave sat down. The look in Leroy's eyes scared him. "Dave, I love you."

"And I love you, Leroy."

"Dave, I'm going to be straight to the point, I need to leave for a while. I need to work on myself, I need to find myself if you will. I'm miserable right now. I hate how I am towards you, towards my family and to myself. Please, will you let me go for a while?"

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know, just please let me."

Dave sat stunned for a few minutes, not thinking that Leroy would really leave, just thinking he needed some knowledge or something that he could. Hoping Leroy just felt trapped, and this was how he was dealing with it. "Okay, Leroy, I don't like it, but I love you, and I know you need to do this."

"Thank you."

What Dave didn't know is Leroy had a bag already packed and was leaving that night. They headed off to the bedroom and laid together to sleep, but sleep didn't come to Leroy. Leroy hugged and kissed Dave as he got out of the bed. Dave rolled over in his sleep but didn't wake. Leroy left the house on foot to the train station. He didn't know where he was heading but needed to go.

Dave woke the next morning to a note on his bedside table with Leroy ring sitting on top.

'Dave, I know you love me, and you say that I'm not a burden to you, but I feel like one. I don't know where I'm going, I'm sorry. If you can forgive me when I come home, please give my ring back, but if you can't, I will understand. I love you. L.'

He had signed it like they did when Leroy was still in the service, with just his initials. When Dave sent Leroy a letter, he would sign it with a D and when Leroy would send back a letter, he would with an L.

Dave just sat there in a haze for a while, and then he called Aaron. Aaron didn't know a thing and said he will try to locate Leroy. Leroy's phone was turned off, but Dave knew he had it with him.

Aaron stopped over almost every day, and after a few weeks of everyone in the family calling everyone they and Leroy knew to see if they had seen him, they came up empty.

"Has his bank account showed any activity?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah cash withdrawals, but in a different city and the ATMs seem to be located in train or bus stations. He seems to be crisscrossing the US, occasionally there would be a motel charge, but I'm always too late to catch him there."

"I'm sorry, Dave. I don't know what is going on in Leroy's head."

"He doesn't have a clue himself, he seems so lost since the tumor."

Aaron gave Dave a hug and left, they talked or saw one another every day, along with Jeff and Allison. The rest of the family called every few days because they didn't want to bother Dave too much since he was already worried about Leroy they didn't want to add to it.

*

One afternoon Jeff stopped to see Dave unannounced, he walked in and could hear Dave in the bedroom. "Hey, Dave, how's everything going?" Jeff spoke as he rounded the corner of the bedroom, he startled Dave.

Dave swung around, he was holding a pillow in his hands and looked at Jeff, down at the pillow, then back up at Jeff. Jeff noticed Dave's eyes were red. "Dave?"

"It's been..." Dave shook his head. "This is stupid." He sat down on the bed, and Jeff sat down with him. "It's only been a little over three weeks, and his scent is gone. You know it had never bothered me when Leroy was deployed, somehow I knew Leroy would come back to me. I know he will come back, Jeff, but." Jeff was just listening to Dave, no one Jeff thought took the time to sit and listen to Dave's worry. "When... When will I get my Leroy back? What if he has a seizure, or decides he is too much of a burden? I don't think he is one, I love your brother." Dave continued to ramble on as Jeff listened.

*

The weeks went by without a word from Leroy. Finally, Aaron called his Aunt Stella out in San Diego, and she confirmed that Leroy had been there a little over a week now. Aaron told her not to let him know he had called. He would fly out in a few days to hopefully bring Leroy home.

Aaron flew out, rented a car, and drove to his Aunt Stella's house. He had informed her he would be in at an early hour, she told him she would be up and the door unlocked for him. True to her word, she was sitting in the living room when he arrived, they talked for a few minutes before she told him which room Leroy was in.

He walked down the hall to his closed bedroom door, Aaron opened it and there laid Leroy curled up around a few pillows sleeping. He sat on the bed and watched him for a few minutes before he decided to wake him. Aaron looked at the six foot two man, hugging and wrapped around the pillows, it made him look so small. His hair had grown out a bit more, he had a full beard, and from what information he received from his Aunt, he was crying a lot. Not in front of her, of course, but she would see how red his eyes were in the mornings. She informs Aaron that he was a broken man and highly recommends Leroy to see a counselor when he gets him home.

"Leroy," Aaron called out his name lightly, he stirred a little but didn't wake. "Leroy." He said a little louder, he grunted and moved again. "Leroy." Even louder.

"What the hell are you doing here, and how did you find me?" Leroy never opened his eyes, didn't uncurl from the pillows he didn't move a muscle but to say that one sentence, he was hoping he really hadn't heard his brother, but he could feel him shift on the bed.

"You are a fucking asshole, do you know that Leroy. You left Dave in the middle of the night, he has been beside himself for the past month. If you wanted to torture Dave, you have succeeded in doing it. Why haven't you called or anything, Leroy everyone is worried about you." Leroy finally opened his eyes, Aaron could see they were very red. "Leroy, talk to me, I want to help you, but you can't run away from us."

"I'm sorry, Aaron." Leroy did something unexpected that Aaron never thought he would ever see his big brother do, he wrapped his arms around Aaron midsection and put his head in his lap and cried. Aaron put his hands on Leroy's head and back and tried to soothe him, it took a long while before he spoke again. "Do you think Dave will ever forgive me?" He whispered.

"Leroy, Dave loves you, you might be in the guest room for a while, but he will forgive you. Are you ready to go home?" Leroy nodded his head. "Come on, let's get you in the shower, our plane leaves in a few hours."

"You weren't screwing around, what if I wasn't ready?" Leroy sniffled.

"Oh, you would have gotten on the plane, I was armed with other things to get you on, but I'm glad that I didn't have to use them. I'm just glad you are ready to come home, Leroy."

He helped Leroy get up and pushed him toward the bathroom, he looked around the room, he saw Leroy's bag Leroy never put his clothes in the drawers he just lived out of the bag. He had talked a bit with his Aunt on the phone before he came, she told him that Leroy was hiding in the room. Leroy wasn't doing anything while he was there, he would give her money to help out with food. Leroy didn't drink or leave his room much other than to eat or help out cooking and cleaning.

When Leroy finished his shower he looked at himself in the mirror, he would shave, but didn't have anything with him to shave with, he dried off and went to the room in his towel. "Aaron..." He just looked at the floor and didn't finish.

"Leroy, we all love you, we are just glad that we found you before Christmas." He looked at Leroy. "Leroy I didn't tell Dave, I didn't want to get his hopes up and not bring you home. He's going to be pissed at first, but he loves you, he asks all the time if I think you would show back up."

"Aaron, I'm not worthy of his love, I walked out on him and didn't tell him where I was all this time. How long have I been gone?"

"Leroy, you don't even know, do you?" Leroy shook his head. "Only a little over a month, I didn't think you would come all the way out to Aunt Stella's, but I'm glad I finally called her. Come on, let's get you packed and say goodbye."

Leroy nodded, went to his bag, and grabbed out some clothes, dressed, shoved his dirties in, zipped his bag up, looked at Aaron and told him he was ready. They sat in the living room for a bit with their Aunt and had some coffee. They said their goodbyes, Stella said to them that she loved them both and pulled Leroy into a hug, told him to take care of himself, to kiss Dave's feet and do everything he can to win his heart back. Leroy nodded, then Aaron and he walked out the door and drove to the airport.

The flight home was long. Aaron talked some more with Leroy, telling him that he needs to see someone about his problems, that he can't just run away. Leroy told him he knows but was just so depressed and he hated being so helpless. A few layovers and ten hours later, they walked out of their airport, and Jeff was waiting. When Jeff saw them walk out of the airport, he got out and walked up to Leroy and hugged him, "Missed you, Leroy." Leroy just nodded and got into the car.

When they made it to Dave and Leroy's home, Dave wasn't there. Aaron and Jeff didn't know if he was at work or just out. Leroy told them not to call him, either he will be home after midnight or sooner. Jeff told him no and stepped outside to call Dave.

"Hey Jeff," Dave answered.

"Dave, are you at work or just out?"

"Work, why what's up?"

"Aaron and I have dropped off a package, we are still at your house."

"I'm not far away, did you want me to stop by?"

"Yeah, it wouldn't be a bad idea. See you in a few." Jeff hung up and walked back into the house.

Dave looked at his partner Terry. "Do you mind if we make a run by my house?" Terry shook his head, and they made the turn to head that way.

Leroy was sitting on the couch, he didn't look around the house, he was looking down at the carpet while his brothers were talking then Dave and Terry walked in. Dave just stood there for a minute looking at Leroy, Leroy hadn't looked up to see who entered. When he finally looked up, Dave could see that Leroy was on the verge of crying and he walked over and pulled him into a hug.

"I love you, Leroy, but you're in the doghouse." All Leroy could do was nod, the others left the room. "Damn it, will you say something to me." Dave pulled Leroy away from him and saw the flood of tears coming down his face. "Leroy... Lee." Dave's expressions soften. "Leroy, talk to me."

Leroy kept shaking his head, and then he finally could get out, "I'm sorry, Dave." Dave pulled him back into a hug and kept telling him he loved him. They stood there hugging and not talking for a while until Terry had to interrupt to tell Dave they had a call and had to leave. Dave informed Leroy that he would see him in a few hours. Jeff and Aaron ask if Leroy needed them to stay, Leroy told them to go home that he would be okay.

Once everyone left Leroy, he didn't know what to do with himself, he would sit in the living room, then the family room. He would stand in the kitchen, Leroy was nervous about being alone with Dave. He knows Dave will be angry with him, but he also knows that Dave will eventually forgive him, not tonight but one day. He was sitting on the couch when Dave walked through the door a little after midnight.

"Hi."

"Hi." Leroy looked up at Dave. "I made the guest bed, I'm sure you don't want me in our bed."

"Yes, and no. No, because I have missed you so much Leroy that I want you in my arms, but yes I would prefer you in there to punish you. You can't expect me to forgive you for running out on me so quickly." Dave sat on the coffee table across from Leroy. "We've got a lot to talk about Leroy, and we are going to counseling. You can't just disappear when you feel like you can't handle life."

"Yes, Dave, I'm sorry. I know that I need help." Leroy was looking at his hands.

Dave stood up, pulled something out of this pocket, and sat down next to Leroy. He grabbed Leroy's hand, held it in his, sat there for a minute and then he slipped the ring on Leroy's finger. When Leroy was alone waiting for Dave, he looked for his ring and couldn't find it, he was hoping that Dave didn't get so mad and throw it away.

"We said in sickness and in health until death do we part. We committed ourselves to one another Leroy almost eight years ago, I love you, Leroy." He pulled Leroy into a hug and then pulled him up, and they walked towards the bedrooms. "Let's get some sleep, and we'll talk in the morning."

"Where do you want me to sleep?"

"In the spare room Leroy, I love you, but for the time being I think it would be best for us to sleep in separate rooms," Dave told Leroy while they were standing outside one of the spare rooms. Dave hugged Leroy, then turned and went into their bedroom. Leroy walked into the spare room, undressed and laid down. Sleep didn't come quickly, and he did end up crying himself to sleep again. Dave laid in his room awake for a long time as well, and around four that morning looked in on Leroy, he could see from the moonlight that Leroy was asleep and was hugging his pillows tightly.

The next morning Leroy got up after laying some time in bed awake, he went to the bathroom, stopped and looked in on Dave. Leroy watched Dave, he looked so sweet laying there sleeping. Leroy knew he was stupid. Leroy was miserable the entire time that he had been gone, he literally cried himself to sleep every night.

He walked away from the room to the kitchen, made coffee, and sat down in the living room on the couch. Dave came strolling out of the room, rubbing his eyes, he sat down next to Leroy. "Would you like some coffee?" Dave nodded, and Leroy went into the kitchen, brought him back a cup, and warmed his up.

They sat in silence for a bit, then Dave finally spoke up. "I have to work the next few days, but I'm going to call someone for counseling, please don't argue with me on this one, Leroy." Leroy just sat there and stared at Dave. "We will go as a couple if you want, but I really think you need individual counseling too. I love you, Leroy."

"I will do anything that you want me to do, Dave, I love you too." Leroy was telling the truth, he didn't want to lose Dave he didn't want to be away from Dave any longer.

"Leroy, what have you done this past month?"

"I left not knowing where I was going, I didn't make it out to San Diego until a week ago, and before that, I was just aimlessly roaming. I'm sorry Dave, I should have never left, I knew it was a mistake the first night, but I couldn't bring myself to come home." Leroy looked down. "I will go to counseling for individuals and couples, I have missed you, Dave, and I want you in my life. I know I'm going to have to earn your trust and love back, I also know it's not going to be an easy road."

They talked more that morning, Dave called the counselor he had in mind a while back, and he had openings for both individuals and couples. He set up the first initial appointments back to back on Friday. They will do the couples consult first, and then Leroy will have his individual session.

Over the following days, Dave watched Leroy, not afraid he was going to leave but worried he was overthinking and was worried he thought Dave didn't love him. Dave was also dying inside, he wanted to pull Leroy into a hug and tell him that he had forgiven him the moment he saw Leroy the other day. But Dave wants to show Leroy that he can't be walked on too. So he hasn't asked Leroy to come back to their bed yet.

Leroy was still unshaved, every morning when they would get up, Dave could tell that Leroy had been crying. Finally, Friday was here, and Dave and Leroy were heading to the counselor's office. When they arrived, of course, they had all the routine paperwork to fill out, and then just a short wait until Dr. Frank Watts called them in.

Dr. Watts led them into his office and let them pick where they would like to sit. He wanted to see where they would choose. He had a living room style set up. Three comfortable chairs and a loveseat with a coffee table. He likes to watch to see where his patients sit if they will sit together or apart. Pretend to love one another and touch or just stay distant. Dave and Leroy automatically went to the loveseat and sat down.