Couples Counseling -

"I just don't understand. I do everything I can to try to please him." I stammered, "I just don't understand..." I could tell I was about to lose it. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and hear my voice beginning to quiver.

"That's okay," said Dr. Kim calmly, "take your time." The calm gentleness of her voice helped me regain my composure.

"It's just that ... well, I don't know. It's just that I feel as if I've done everything I can for him." I sniffed; my tearing up had made my nose run. "I mean, really, what more could I do? And then to have him treat me like he does?! I just don't know what to do."

"I can see how you feel," again with that calming voice, so perfect for a therapist. I wondered whether she had always been able to put people at ease with just a few words or if this was a professional trick she'd picked up. "Maybe, though, it would be helpful for you to tell me more about how your relationship with Gary began and how it's changed over time. Obviously it wasn't like this in the beginning or you never would have kept seeing him."

"No, it wasn't like this in the beginning." I paused as I tried to organize my thoughts. "Well, I guess there are really two beginnings, but neither of them were like this. He's always been the one who had to be in the driver's seat. I never minded that. It's part of what attracted me to him. I've never minded that he's dominating and forceful when we're intimate. I really like that. It's just the abuse that I can't put up with anymore."

"Okay, but take me back to the beginning." She said it calmly, but I wouldn't have blamed her for being a little irritated. I'd lost focus again and drifted back to talking about our present problems.

"So, there's not much to say about our "first beginning". Gary and his wife, Claire, moved into the house directly behind me. about two years ago. We'd wave when we saw each other out and sometimes we'd chat if we were both out working in the yard." Talking about this drew me away from my present problems and I could feel myself getting control of my emotions. I wondered whether Dr. Kim really needed to know Gary's and my history or whether this was just a way of helping me regain my composure.

"After some months, we started hanging out more. They'd invite me over if they were barbequing in the back yard, and I'd do the same. It was always just the three of us, but I never felt uncomfortable. It was just a neighborly threesome."

"Gary and I started watching sports together. It was more fun to watch with someone and it was always so easy, one of us just walked through the backyard to the other's house and we watched together. Usually he came to my house. That made more sense since there was no one else in my house to disturb."

"That's about all there is to say about the first beginning." I paused. "The second beginning was about a year after I'd first met Gary. He was coming over to my house pretty regularly. He could see my TV from his kitchen window and, if I was watching a game and he wanted to get out of the house, he'd come over with a six-pack and knock on the back door - well, eventually, he began just letting himself in. I didn't mind. I liked the company - not just having someone to watch game with but I liked Gary. More and more as time went on."

"One weekend when Claire was out of town, Gary and I were doing a football marathon - binge-watching college football. Gary and Claire were having some problems and, when we weren't talking about the game, Gary kept coming back to his complaints about Claire."

"It was kind of irritating, really. I've been a single guy all my life. It's not just that I haven't been married; I haven't even had a really serious, long-term girlfriend. I mean, I've dated and everything, but haven't been in even a quasi-marital relationship. I get it that married people have their complaints against each other but ... God, can they be tedious talking about it!"

"We'd been drinking pretty heavily and, so, I'm a little fuzzy on the details. The drink had no doubt made Gary a little freer with his complaints and it probably made me less able to steer the conversation back to football - or, really, anything else."

"So, I heard lots of petty complaints about Claire. Frankly, some of the time he was talking, I wasn't really listening. I sort of went into an observer mode where I just watched Gary's mouth move, being careful to mutter something that sounded supportive at relevant times."

"Gary's an attractive guy and I was focusing on this fact more than I'd ever done in the past. I'm not sure why. I find some men attractive but I don't usually think about it much. Maybe the boredom of listening to his repeated incredibly minor grievances against Claire drove me to this as an escape."

"When Gary started griping about how long it'd been since Claire had given him a blowjob - complete with the old joke about the difference between a wife and a Hoover - I had the strangest experience of my life."

"What was that?"

"I said something like, 'Oh, come on, Gary... You're an attractive guy. You can get your cock sucked any time you want. You can get it sucked right now.' And I put my hand on the inside of his thigh."

"Gary was obviously gobsmacked. But no more so than me. What the hell was I doing? I'd never done anything like this before. My head was swirling. 'How do you back out of something like this?' I wondered. It's not like I could claim he misunderstood my meaning. I'd said that he could get his cock sucked right now and I'd put my hand just millimeters from his cock. No, there was no walking this back."

"Gary recovered before I did and his response spared me having to find an exit strategy. Apparently, after a moment's stunned silence, Gary decided that he didn't want me to find an exit strategy. His arm, which had been on the back of the couch, moved behind me, his hand rested on the back of my neck, and I felt the insistent pressure of him pushing my head down toward his lap."

"He wasn't forcing me. I could have shaken his grip and moved my head away. But, then, what would I say? That path would require me to walk back what couldn't be walked back. So I yielded to his pressure and soon my head was pressed against the crotch of his sweat pants."

"The cloth was soft, almost fleece-like, but underneath something hard was beginning to stir. I could feel Gary's cock rising."

"When I was a pre-teen, I'd played some grab-ass games with other guys at sleep-overs. As a young teen, I'd done a few circle jerks and all of the guys involved wound up, on dares, touching other guys' dicks. But I'd never touched a guy's cock with my mouth and I'd never even touched another guy's cock with my hand since those early days."

"I was going to now, though. I could see that this was inevitable. The train had already left the station and I could see the tracks it was headed down."

"So that's when I gave my first blowjob and it marks the second beginning of my relationship with Gary."

I was prepared to move on to talk about how the relationship progressed but Dr. Kim pressed me to talk about that first day, and how it made me feel. I wasn't quite sure what the therapeutic value was of recounting such details - maybe Dr. Kim was taking some salacious delight in this. But, she was the doctor and, so, I filled in the details.

"Gary guided me from the couch to the floor between his legs. As I positioned myself, Gary raised up and pushed his sweat pants and boxers down and off his legs completely. Now that I was face-to-cock, I felt a huge lump in my throat and was seriously considering backing out of the whole thing no matter how awkward that would be now."

"But Gary's hands were on the sides of my head - again, not forcing anything but certainly encouraging it. And I found my lips drawn every closer to his now proudly erect cock."

"I don't know if you know what it feels like to suck a man's cock," I said without thinking that, as a woman, Dr. Kim almost certainly did. She smiled, silently confirming that she did, and urged me on. "Well, maybe it feels different when your emotions are all roiled up because you're a guy who never thought of himself as gay whose now on his knees looking at a quickly hardening cock and knowing that in seconds that cock was going to fill his mouth."

"Probably," Dr. Kim said noncommittally.

"Gary was insistent and, though I could have pulled away, I didn't. I yielded. I felt a quiver of revulsion as my lips touched the tip of his no hard cock. But I also felt an unexpected excitement." I paused to take a drink of water before continuing to tell the story.

"I mean, I'd thought about what it would be like to suck a cock. I'll bet every guy - gay or straight, tolerant or homophobic, or whatever - has thought about that. It wasn't like a fantasy I was compelled to replay in my mind or anything. I'd just wondered what it would feel like. Now, I was about to find out."

"As Gary's cock pressed between my lips, I heard him moan with pleasure. That moan transformed the experience for me. I suddenly felt an incredible sense of power. I controlled Gary's sensations; I controlled his pleasure. I had the power to cause him intense pleasure. It was a heady feeling." As I heard the words come out of my mouth, I winced. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make a bad pun."

"That's okay. Go on."

"Well, there's not that much to tell. I mean, any guy knows what feels good in a blow job. I worked Gary's cock with my mouth and tongue, pulling off when I was choking or my jaw got too sore, to lick his shaft or balls. I cupped his balls in one hand and used the other to grip him tightly around the base of his cock. That way I could jack him off while I sucked the head of his cock."

"As Gary worked toward an orgasm, I became more and more excited. It was strange: he was the one getting his cock sucked; he was the one climbing the incline to an orgasm; but I was getting at least as tightly wound up as Gary was."

"When he finally exploded in my mouth, I felt an incredibly rush of pleasure and satisfaction. I guess whatever happened wasn't an orgasm; I didn't cum or anything. But a wave of pleasure swept through me as Gary filled my mouth with his spunk."

"So, you enjoyed this," Dr. Kim said.

"Yeah, as it turned out, I enjoyed it a lot. Later on, when I thought back on it, I was sometimes tortured by the memory - not so much about the fact that I'd sucked Gary off (though I sometimes thought that was bad enough), but mainly by the thought of how wonderful it had felt to me. It's not an easy thing for a straight guy - at least a guy who had always thought of himself as straight - to wrap his head around."

I winced again. "Sorry, another bad pun, I guess."

"So, Rick ... how do you feel about it now? Do you still feel tortured by it?"

"Oh, no!" I said emphatically. "I'm way past that."

"It was hard for a while but, finally I came to grips with it. Really, what helped was a conscious decision not to sit back and judge myself for what I'd done, or what I'd felt. I decided to just accept it and go forward."

"That's wise, Rick. So long as you're not hurting anyone, you need to scale back on the self-criticism. It's healthy to just let yourself discover your feelings without constantly evaluating yourself."

"Well, if I hadn't accepted what I'd done and my feelings about it, the relationship would never have developed the way it did."

"Tell me more about how it developed."

"I think the way Gary handled this incident was the key to why I could handle it at all," I started. "Right from the start, he put me at ease."

"How?"

"Well, like I said, that first time I blew Gary, I was incredibly excited. I was completely in the moment. There was no part of my consciousness that was standing back from what I was doing and judging me." I took another drink, pausing while I thought about how to describe this.

"When he'd finished, there I was, on my knees between his thighs, his softening cock in my mouth, and my mouth filled with the taste of his cum. My frenzy had passed with his. Now what was I to do? Somehow the scene had to continue, and I didn't know how."

"I pulled off his cock and, unable to look up and meet his possibly judgmental gaze, I just looked as his slick, shiny dick and found myself beginning to slip into self-loathing. Gary pulled himself up, moving back away from me and said, in such a casual, nonchalant tone, something like, 'Hey, let's get another beer and get back to the game.'"

"He got up, pulling up his pants as he did, to get the beers. This probably took some effort on his part. I know all I want to do after I've blown my load is slip into a stupor. But it gave me a chance to straighten up and regain my composure. When he got back with the beers, he acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. We were just two guys watching football over a few beers."

"And that made it easier for you?" Dr. Kim asked.

"Yeah ... completely. It was like the door had shut on that incident. It hadn't changed me, or Gary, or the way we related. It was surprising, there was no outward awkwardness and that put me at ease."

I took another drink of water. Now that Dr. Kim had gotten me thinking back to my first time with Gary, I was reminded of the feelings I'd had early on. They were good ones. Not surprisingly, I'd felt some turmoil at the time, but in retrospect I suspected that this had served to intensify the pleasures I'd experienced. Recalling these incidents and the feelings they'd evoked made me feel better.

"How did you react after Gary had left - when the TV was off and you were alone with your thoughts?"

"That was kind of weird, too. Or maybe not. I don't know what's 'normal' in a situation like that. First time, you know," I smiled at Dr. Kim and she smiled back encouragingly.

"Gary was completely nonchalant as he left. He said something like, 'Good game. Let's do it again sometime.' In context, it was suggestive - more than suggestive, I guess - but it was said so casually that I responded immediately and without thinking, 'Yeah, great.'"

"After he'd left, while I was cleaning up a little, I found myself replaying in my mind what I'd done. I didn't beat myself up over it or anything. I was just turning it over in my mind. I found, as I recalled the various aspects of my experience - the sight of Gary's hard cock, the feeling of being on my knees immediately in front of that hard cock, the feel of it in my hands and then my mouth, the scent and taste of his cock, and the taste of his cum as he blasted it into my mouth. I was flooded with a kaleidoscope of different sensual memories."

"And then," I paused, thinking about how to say this to Dr. Kim. "And then I went into my bedroom and had one of the most intense jack-off sessions of my life. The images and feelings that were flooding my consciousness took me to an orgasm quickly and kept me in the intense throes of my orgasm for a long time."

"So, all in all, this wasn't a bad experience?"

"No ... surprisingly. Like I said, there were moments of turmoil and self-doubt, but all in all it was a good experience, which is why it became a regular part of Gary's and my get-togethers."

"So, you did this pretty regularly? You became gay lovers?"

"I wouldn't say that. We didn't become gay lovers. I sucked Gary's cock - regularly - really, practically every time we were safely alone together for long enough. It didn't have to be watching a game or something like that."

"Sometimes Gary would come over to borrow something, a tool or some gas for his lawnmower - probably often a mere pretext, I'm sure - I didn't mind. He never had to say anything. There was this moment of silence when he looked at me in a way I can't exactly describe and I knew what he wanted - like it was ever really in doubt, of course. Then I'd sink to my knees or he'd lie down on the couch or bed, wherever we were, so that I could kneel over him and I'd suck him off."

"And you don't count that as becoming gay lovers?" Dr. Kim prodded.

"Well, first, for a long time, there was nothing but blow jobs. Nothing more! We didn't hug or kiss and there was no other kind of sex. And, second, there was never any reciprocity."

"Gary never performed oral sex on you?" Her description seemed needlessly clinical to me.

"Never."

"So, the sex was all one direction?"

"Sometimes, when we had plenty of time together and I was giving him a long, slow blow job on the bed or couch, he'd reach in my pants and stroke my cock. I think at first he wasn't trying to get me off or anything. I think he enjoyed feeling how aroused I got from sucking him off. But sometimes he'd jack me off enough while I was sucking him that I'd cum from it."

"And that was enough for you?" Dr. Kim's tone conveyed a bit of surprise, which wasn't surprising, I guess.

"I suppose it's strange but, yes, it was enough. I was having intense jack off sessions throughout this time, fueled by the images of servicing Gary, so it wasn't as if I felt deprived of sexual pleasure. I wasn't dating much - well, really, at all - then, but I found the contact with Gary to satisfy my need for connecting physically with another human being. So, yeah, this was enough for me. At least for a while. Eventually, I guess it wasn't enough for either me or Gary."

"So, tell me about that," Dr. Kim urged. "Why did your relationship change?"

"I don't really know what Gary thought about our relationship for most of what I can call the 'sucking phase'. We never talked about things like that - sort of a silent agreement, I guess, maybe because each of us feared that talking about it might ruin something that we were both finding valuable."

"I could imagine a guy in his position feeling powerful and gloating about it: 'I've got a guy who will suck me off anytime I want to.' But he never acted like that at all. I could imagine someone who had fears of 'being gay' spiraling down into self-loathing and taking it out on me to prove his masculinity. But he never did that - not in the 'sucking phase' of our relationship."

"But, over many months, things did change. Gary started to show in interest in my ass. The first time that this was really obvious - I mean *really* obvious - was one day last summer when we were in my bedroom and I was giving him a long, leisurely blow job."

"Nothing unusual there, of course. But I'd been working out before he came over and I was wearing only a tank top and shorts. And this time, while I was sucking on Gary's cock, to good effect of course, he slipped his hand down the back of my shorts and grabbed my buttock. His fingers were in my crack and one grazed my asshole."

"When I twitched, he withdrew. But he kept coming back and, by the end of that session, he'd managed to press one finger well into my ass and piston it in and out as I finished him off."

"How did you feel about that?"

"At first, it was uncomfortable - not physically, he had only on finger in me and, despite there being no lubrication, it didn't hurt. But I was uncomfortable with the idea of him fingering my ass. It felt good though. I'd played with my ass before," I paused my story and asked: "That's not weird, is it? Hasn't everyone at some time or another?"

Dr. Kim nodded, "Probably. Anyway, it's nothing to be concerned about."

"Well, I liked it and it changed the way that I masturbated. I began playing with my ass when I jacked off, first with my fingers and then with other things: carrots, cucumbers, and finally I bought some toys. I began to fantasize about getting fucked in the ass and, of course, in those fantasies it was always Gary fucking me."

"In real life things had changed slightly - a harbinger of the big changes that were to come. Gary would finger my ass pretty regularly - at least when we had enough time to play around a little. I guess it became increasingly clear to him that I liked the way it felt. I imagine he was having fantasies of his own. Sometimes when I was on my knees giving him a quick blow job, he would hold my head, not tightly, but enough to allow him to thrust into my mouth like he was fucking me. And, when we had more time, it seemed even more obvious what he might be fantasizing about. If he was fingering my ass, his hips thrust in synch with his finger."