'Will you be my boyfriend?'
'Yes, of course I will.'
These words drummed around my head for several days after Reece had officially asked me out. At the time I said "yes" I felt elated for the most part. Even the next day however, I was beginning to harbour some doubts.
Reece had basically saved me from my family and helped me through some really troubled times and I would always be grateful for that. Indeed, I think that the two of us have a bond that cannot truly be broken as a result and I may never have the same connection with anyone else again. But the answer still didn't seem simple and clear-cut. My brain was still a mess of conflicting images and emotions.
If I were to put it simply, I just couldn't shake the fact that I felt like a massive slut. I had only truly slept with Reece, that was true but I couldn't abandon the feeling that my incident with Kane crossed an invisible and unspoken line. Kane is straight and will in no way want to be my boyfriend but I did help get the horny fucker off that night in the tub. At the time, I rationalised it as "He's straight and horny so it doesn't count and besides, all he did was hump my arse...and kiss me passionately". But still, I felt guilt ridden, mainly because I knew that I would probably do it again if the opportunity arose. It wasn't just him though, I would have sex with Blake in a heartbeat; the guys in the tight business pants from work; most of the guys on the footy team if they wanted to bend me; people I walked past at the shopping centre; most of the guys and the beach and the skate park or, anyone else for that matter.
The fact was that I was 18 and horny as fuck. Shouldn't I have the right to sleep around and get off without making an international incident out of each root? That's how I felt deep down, even if I didn't consciously admit it to myself. Further, I had spent my entire life looking to confide and well as sleep with people of my own gender. How is it that I am now in the situation where I have loved or slept with three to four differing blokes in the last few months?
The emotional bagged of all of this was beginning to weigh down and I started to feel a kind of raw pain that was associated with being overwhelmed and full of shame.
This all lead to the general conclusion that I just wasn't in love with Reece, or at least not in the way he was in love with me. He smiled warmly at me every time he saw me and held me in his gentle but strong arms often. I knew that he had no doubts whatsoever.
But I did.
So why the fuck did I say "yes" when he asked me out?
"Because you're a fucking pussy," was all I could think of over the next week.
The Wednesday after Reece asked me out reinforced this thinking even more. I returned from work at around five in the afternoon and found the house empty. Kane and Blake would of course be at the pub for another couple of hours. I sighed as I took in the contents of the house. It was truly depressing.
A second-hand lounge alongside a second-hand armchair was paired with a second-hand coffee table and a rustic second-hand TV stand. On top of it was, of course, a second-hand TV with some bent "rabbit ear" antenna. Beyond this, everything was quite messy. The coffee table still help a collection of beer, bourbon and spirit cans, which was a culinary standard for the weekends. Alongside them was a collection of bongs. I didn't really use them, but Kane protected them like they were his first-born child.
I couldn't wait to find my own place. Noah and I had been loosely planning on doing so during that period of my life that I associated with complete and utter happiness. Obviously, that wasn't going to come to fruition now though. Perhaps Reece and I would find a place together. He and his dad spent a lot of time together, going on camping trips and the like however so I don't think he would be that keen on leaving home. Reece offered for me to go with them sometime, but I don't know if I'd like to. Reece and his dad were close and I would never want to get in the middle of that.
I trudged up the hall and into my room which was marginally cleaner but still housed mostly dank and used furniture. Flinging myself onto my bed, I lay for hours, trying not to become overwhelmed by dark thoughts regarding Reece, money, the house, my parents and Noah.
When Kane eventually fell through the door later in the evening, I was laying in the exact spot I fell into hours before. I heard him proceed up the hall before he leaned against my open doorway.
'How's it going Matty?'
Kane and Blake had began the practice of abbreviating my surname. I supposed 'Matty' from 'Matheson' wasn't too bad. Better than 'Cocky' from Corey like some of the guys in Years 7 and 8 began to call me.
I took a deep breath, and even then it was still difficult to talk for some reason, 'Yeah, fine.'
Kane moved in closer and sat down next to me on the bed. He must have thrown his pants and shirt off when he walked in the door because he was wearing only a pair of grey briefs.
I could smell the beer on his breath as he spoke, 'Are you all good?'
I though about saying something different, or perhaps bursting in tears before I said the same, automatic response that always escaped my mouth, 'Yeah, I'm okay.'
Kane considered me for a minute, which was funny. He never took anything seriously as far as I knew. He's the type of person whose world would be falling apart and he's still be joking around and brushing it off.
He looked concerned for a moment before he said, 'Is it a girl...or a guy?'
I stared at him. Obviously he knew that I was capable of jerking him off and kissing him but it was still a big deal for me to admit that I might be gay. Again, I considered blowing my guts and burdening someone else with all my problems. But I couldn't, so I just shook my head.
'Is it Reece?'
This really caught me by surprise. Kane had only seen Reece a couple of times but he must have put two-and-two together. Maybe he even heard Reece and I fucking a couple of weeks ago after the big party.
'You don't see him much aye?' Kane asked, his voice gentler than I had ever heard it. When I didn't say anything, he continued, 'I had a girlfriend when I was sixteen, got her fucking pregnant and everything. I left school and laid concrete to support the three of us. It was good, especially when she had the baby. We were happy for a while but then she left, and I've never seen her since.'
