You've heard this one before, probably. I know I have. Someone, usually a woman but sometimes a guy, gets stopped by the cops, tries to talk them out of writing a ticket, and ends up saying something like "I'll do anything you want, just don't give me a ticket." Of course, "I'll do anything you want" means "I'll have sex with you any way you want it," and of course, the cops are always agreeable. It wouldn't be much of a story otherwise.
Well, I know from personal experience that it really does happen, at least sometimes, because I'm the guy in the story. I was driving home from downtown one night from my favorite bar, when I saw flashing lights behind me. I pulled over, a cop came up beside my car, told me to roll down my window, and asked if I'd been drinking. I was tempted to try to lie my way out of it, but I knew it was hopeless. I shouldn't have been driving, I knew better, and I knew that if I took a breath test they had me dead to rights. After all, I had been arrested for driving drunk the previous year and went through diversion. I knew how the game was played, and I couldn't win in this situation.
So I started pleading my case, without success. Finally I gave up and said, "Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I'm not trying to bribe you or anything like that, but if I get another arrest, I'll lose my job. I'll do anything you want."
The officer had me get out of my car and stand next to it on the passenger's side. He motioned toward the police car, and for the first time I saw that he had a partner. Now the first officer was a veteran, probably around 45 years old, still in good shape but with a little belly starting to show. I'd guess he was about 6 feet tall, maybe 200 pounds give or take a few. His partner, now that I could see him, looked to be in his late 20s or early 30s, good looking and in great shape physically. He wasn't quite as tall as the older one, and he may have weighed about the same, but on him it was all muscle.
The first officer said, "Tony, listen to this. This guy just told me he'd do anything we want if we don't write him up. What do you think, community service?"
Tony looked me up and down, openly checking out my body and face. "Sure, Chuck, he looks to me like a perfect candidate for community service."
The first officer, Chuck, said "OK, here's how this is going to work. I'll drive you home in your car, and Tony will follow us in the cruiser. When we get to your place, I'll let you in and take the keys. You can sleep it off, and we'll be back tomorrow afternoon around 1:00. In the meantime, don't leave the house, don't go anywhere, and don't call anyone. Just sober up and be ready for action when we get there. We'll get you started on your community service program then. Understand?"
With that we got in my car, and Chuck drove me home, with Tony following behind. I don't really remember much about the ride. I do remember Chuck letting me into my house, reminding me not to go anywhere or call anyone, and telling me, "I'll call you in the morning, just in case you need a reminder." I went straight to bed, still in my clothes, and was soon fast asleep.
I woke to the sound of the telephone. It was Chuck, calling to remind me that we had a "date" for that afternoon. With a little coaching from him, I remembered the whole incident, including the part about "community service." Chuck said "We'll be there at 1:00, so be sure you're ready. Clean your ass out real good, get a shower, shave, the whole nine yards. No need to get all dressed up, you'll be naked soon enough anyway! You're all set with condoms and lube, right?" I assured him that I had a good supply of both, and that I'd be ready for them when they arrived. What I didn't tell him, but he probably picked up, was that I was kind of looking forward to spending the afternoon with the two of them, paying my debt to society, so to speak.
At one on the dot, the doorbell rang. I let them in, wearing nothing but my robe, and the first thing Chuck said was, "You won't be needing the robe. Let's see what you've got."
