It's been 1 month, 1 week, 4 days, and 8 hours since the moment that altered my life's course. Every minute that passes, I remember some other feature from that night: the smell of his cologne, his vice grip on my shoulders, the stubble on his chin, the sound of his laugh, the girth of his...His image has started to occupy every space in my mind, and I've found myself feeling more desperate to reconnect with him. I've stared at his number for hours on end, trying to conjure some convenient excuse to talk to him. But nothing ever feels good enough. A guy like that, I doubt some cheap line will get his attention. I want to impress him, and the way I am right now, I just can't.
The nice thing about having an over-achieving older brother is that as long as he checks all the boxes and passes the appropriate social milestones, no one looks to me for anything. So the fact that I haven't had a serious girlfriend in 5 years has largely gone unnoticed by our family and loved ones. In a perverse way, I'm grateful to have this time in the shadows while my brain has been recalibrating. My attraction to men was something I could ignore, but now it feels so urgent. I'm trying to figure out if I've always felt or what might have changed. My theory is that once I stopped actively pursuing women, my brain had a chance to restore factory settings, which has led me to a life in the closet. Now I'm 27 years old with no money and no prospects, and I'm frightened. I'm scared of being outed, but even more scared of being alone. And now I've met someone who makes me want to conquer that fear, but I don't feel ready yet.
As if by divination, my phone starts to vibrate. My heart leaps at the thought of a message from Darius, but it's just Rohit. "sup nelly, haven't talked in a while, hows life?"
He asks as if this is a question that I can reply to in one word. I want to tell him everything, release my burdens, live my truth. But instead, "im good, still livin the dream. wbu?"
"im aight, ngl i miss you, you should come down again. i feel like some time in the city would be good for you" This is the problem with my brother. Not only is he better than me in every way, but he's impossible to hate. So the fact that I try to hate him makes me feel that much worse. Maybe he's just asking so he can offer some charity and feel better about himself. I know that's not true, but I wish it were.
"miss you too bb, def need to get away from here for a bit. what did you have in mind?"
"you come down for the weekend, we get a group together, we go out, we dance. i know you love to dance ;)"
Unfortunately, he's right. He knows me well, and we both know that when Rohit is extending the olive branch, it is easier to just accept it than to fight it. So we make plans, and 3 days later, I'm on the train into the city.
My brother and Shilpa, his girlfriend, pick me up from the station and greet me with hugs and kisses that I unsuccessfully rebuff. They've scheduled massages and made dinner reservations at our favorite Korean barbecue, after which we'll meet friends at a bar and start the evening. Rohit is nothing if not generous, except maybe ostentatious, extravagant, overbearing, etc. But objectively a good person.
The night flows like water, with good food leading to good drinks with my brother's good friends. I can't tell how close he is with any of these guys, and sometimes I worry that they take advantage of his kindness. All I know is they seem to materialize on our nights out, and those nights tend to be fun. The first bar turns into the third bar, and by 11 PM the mood has become decidedly more active. More of the posse join at each new location, and the group consensus is that wherever we go next must have good music and good vibes. My brother is a lover boy drunk, and between telling me that he's so lucky to have me in his life, and Shilpa that she's the best thing that ever happened to him, he screams, "Jordan just texted me, says we gotta go to The Prism, that is THE clurb!" The mob cheers in agreement and we make our way to the "clurb". I guess there are ensemble members still to join.
We get to the club just before midnight, and Rohit pays my cover and says, "Now that I helped you, you gotta help me. We GOTTA find Jordan, I NEED to tell him I LOVE him", already swaying to the music. His friends, trailing behind, giggle amongst themselves. Once in the club, the crowd closes in on us and I lose sight of Rohit and Shilpa under the strobe lights. My shoes sound like Velcro straps with each step I take, and I can barely hear myself think above the sped up remix of "We Found Love" blasting at an ear-shattering volume. As I shuffle along the periphery of the dance floor towards the bar, it dawns on me that I have enjoyed every part of this night. My brother has made sure that every moment I've spent since I got to town has been fun, and in truth I am feeling much better. In fact, I've been so caught up with all this fun that I haven't once thought of--
