Something filtered into my mind, I didn't quite know what the noise was until I lifted my head from Joel's and realised that there was a class coming into the adjoining room. Then suddenly I felt Joel's hand moving down over my right ribcage, I stiffened immediately but didn't pull away, I made myself stay where I was, not moving. Every fibre in my body was feeling each movement of Joel's hand. He looked into my eyes as his hand moved under my shirt, but all he did was lay his hand softly over the top section of my scar, I let out a shuddering breath, my eyes still locked with his. And then his hand was gone, it was over and my breathing which had been coming hard and fast started to slow slightly, Joel never broke our gaze as he moved in close to kiss me.
"Do you have more classes today?" He asked roughly, as he looked into the adjoining room, which was filling with people.
"No... They have been cancelled." My voice came out as a whisper; and we both looked at each other and laughed.
"Come on then, let's get some food and go to the park." Joel whispered hoarsely against my ear.
I was grateful that he hadn't suggested we go back to his house, or mine for that matter. We picked up some food from a local cafe and headed to Queens Park, we chose a spot under a big oak tree and settled down to eat. I was nervous and was restlessly moving around until I caught Joel's eye, I smiled self-consciously but the eye contact seemed to have settled something inside me and I calmed down a little. Secretary
Its hard to believe that I was so nervous to begin with, after a few minutes we were chatting away like we had known each other for ever. I was soon relaxed and talking about my childhood and on to my college years, we both discussed telling our parents and friends about being gay and how our families had dealt with it.
We had been sitting side by side but as we talked and talked Joel pulled me towards him and I positioned my body between his legs, letting my weight rest against his chest. I felt slightly uncomfortable but Joel didn't seem to notice anything different, he continued telling me about how his best friend had hit him when he had finally got up the courage to tell him he was gay. He made me feel at ease strait away and I only jumped a little when his hands sneaked into my body, but all he did was lay them on my abdomen and leave them there. He asked me when it was the I knew I was gay,
"Well I guess I had always known, I just didn't ever want to admit that I was gay. I never had a problem with the thought of being gay but I thought I just wouldn't ever feel that way. The first time I admitted it to myself was when I was 16 and I went to a school dance with a girl called Jenny. I had been checking out this new guy in my class for the last week or so and on that night, well we got into a conversation and he kissed me, that was it. I knew I couldn't pretend to like girls anymore, I had kissed plenty of them but when I kissed Andy... Well I nearly came all over my suit!"
Joel and I both laughed and it wasn't until then I realised I had been stroking Joel's hands with the tips of my fingers while talking to him. I thought maybe I should stop, my fingers faltered in their path down his long fingers but as his warm voice flowed around us I continued to touch him. He told me about how he had never doubted he liked boys more than girls it had never been a question of deciding, making a decision or anything like that, it had always been that way.
My shirt had edged up over my stomach but surpassingly I didn't even notice, even when Joel started tracing his fingers over my abdomen and belly button I just murmured at the ticklish shivers that his touch was causing me.
I sensed something was wrong, just before I realised I had been asleep, and then I felt it, something brushing along the upper line of my scar, my body stiffened, my eyes fluttering open and assessing who was touching me. It was Joel of course, I relaxed a little but Joel had already registered my reaction.
"Its OK, I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep"
