Confused From the Start

Confused from the start, I do not know what led to the confusion, was it my Catholic upbringing, my shyness and lack of confidence. Maybe even a high respect for women held me back in my early years.

My first very serious relationship did not include sexual intercourse but shy of that we did explore each other's bodies in satisfying ways. I started late as far as my first time to have intercourse, I believe I was 22 years of age, working but also a full-time student.

I do not remember when, but it would have been just before this relationship started or soon after I had an encounter with an older man who had picked me up while I was hitchhiking to the gas station where I worked in Northridge; the guy reached over, unzipped my pants and drew my erect cock out while driving down the road, he was gently stroking my cock and asking if he could take me to his friend's place to fool around more. When he came to a stop light I pulled back and stuffed my cock back in my pants and jumped out of the car screaming at him that "I am not that way". I was homophobic, and thought there was something wrong about two men having sex.

Years later when I was not dating anyone my frustration and curiosity had me going into adult book stores to look at magazines and then eventually videos of naked women and men having sex. These video booths offered little privacy and were films that had an A or B side you could select from, each booth only offered the choice of one film, inside you could select the A or the B track. To add to my embarrassment, you had to pay at the counter and tell them which video booth you wanted. One day, the booth was playing the B side when it started up and it was a film of a naked guy sunbathing when a second guy walked up, lifted the legs of the guy who was on his back on the ground and penetrated his ass and started fucking him. I was startled and switched to the A side and watched the people having straight sex. The image I had seen kept running through my head and I returned a few days later, paid for time in the booth and found the film and watched the B side and enjoyed watching the gay sex, I did feel shame when I left, a stupid feeling of guilt that I had done something wrong. It would be a long time before I admitted to myself that I was bisexual and that there was nothing wrong with me.

Breaking the timeline of this story, I have to go back to my early twenties and talk about experiences I had with an older woman, she would have been only the second or third woman I had sex with. I do not know who introduced a dildo into our love making but somehow it ended up in my ass and I really enjoyed the feeling of having my ass stretched as I drove my hard cock into her pussy or laid back and had my dick sucked.

Getting back to my sexual history: I began to seek out other adult book stores over the next few years and saw the development of better, more private booths and the technology to be able to select from many different types of porn. The extra privacy allowed me to masturbate as I watched the films and my taste in films started to shift.

I also started to notice peep holes in some of the booths and not only enjoyed looking in on other guys, but having them watch me stroke my cock until I came. This also led to finding booths with glory holes, the thought at first terrified me. What would happen if I slid my dick through the hole, would the person on the other side do something to harm me, I had irrational thoughts of having my dick severed, to having somebody holding a flame to my cock. What I found in reality was a warm hand or mouth that would give me great pleasure.

For a long time I was rather selfish and only looked to have someone suck me off, I was not at the time willing to take their cock into my mouth. But just as the experience of watching porn this way and what interested me was also changing; I would focus on the guy's cock in the film and started to wonder what it would feel like in my mouth. It took a while before I gave into my desire to find out.

The experience led to meeting some of the guys outside of the adult book store. Because the activity was monitored in the store, even if by a blind eye, many guys including myself were reluctant to get caught doing something while inside the store. This became a game of cat and mouse, getting a sideways glance from some guy or "accidently" bumping into them. Watching as either they left the store and following or they followed me out. This brought the action outside and into the cars. I remember having one guy get into my vehicle and we parked out behind a grocery store near the bookstore. While I was still terrified to suck a guys cock, I did lean across to the passenger side and putting my month on his stiff dick, but then I started sliding my lips up and down the underside of his shaft, his cock started to throb and he pleaded for me to take his cock into my mouth, but I kept licking the underside of his dick and he shot an enormous load that splattered all over the inside of the windshield of the car.

The next big step was not really planned, it was back in the day when PCs were becoming affordable and dial-up modems connected us to the internet. Bored and alone at home I had visited a few chat rooms, some were specific to sports or other topics but I was looking to chat and flirt with someone to help get my rocks off, a little cybersex. There were rules and moderators but it was easy enough to find the girls online and even a few for guys looking for guys. I tried to be honest and polite to those I interacted with and never pretended to be something or somebody I wasn't. I was in one private conversation with a guy and he suggested that we meet, we both said we were interested in mutual masturbation so we arranged a time and place to meet. I had described myself well enough and what I would be driving that he immediately recognized me and walked over to my truck, I asked him to hop in. We chatted briefly and felt comfortable enough to go somewhere less populated than the parking lot we were in. We rode in my truck and less than a mile away, there was a dirt road that led back into a small canyon. Only fifty yards from the street we were out of the public eye and I parked. Both of us unzipped our pants and pulled out our cocks and began to stroke, this is what we had agreed to do. Without a word, he reached over and pushed my hand away and started stroking my hard dick, I figured that I should return the favor and grabbed his cock and eagerly stroked it. Next he leaned across the bench seat and took my cock in his mouth, again after a short while, I took my turn and laid across the seat and started giving him a blow job. The time was just passed sunset and the sky still offered some light; he suggested we get out of the truck.

We moved to the back of the truck and I opened the tailgate, there was a little more fooling around of sucking and groping each other when he asked if I would like to get fucked, I don't remember answering him but I dropped my pants and bent over the tailgate of the truck. He put on a condom and had no problem inserting his hard cock up my butthole. I guess playing with my dildo in the past had prepared me for this moment. Like before, after a short while we switched positions and I put on a condom as he bent over, I struggled at first to penetrate his tight ass but was soon pounding away. I pulled out and tore the condom off and started pounding my cock with my hand, he had stood up to face me and jerked off as we came at about the same time. It was truly a night of firsts, my first time being fucked and the first time I fucked a guy in the ass, it was great.

The next day I was feeling loathing and repulsed by my actions, those years of guilt that I had been taught by my church and society as a whole weighed heavy on me. A month later the guilt was softening as my sense of horniness returned and I again sought out this guy in a chat room and we hooked up one more time. It took years after this for me to look back and be proud of taking the steps I did, even though they were slow baby steps, I was at least coming to terms that I did enjoy the idea of having sex with men as well as with women.

There is nothing more satisfying than the feeling of a guy tensing up as I take his dick as deep as possible into my throat, their whole body tightens and you know that you are giving great pleasure to this individual. I just love sucking dick. Being circumcised myself, I do seek out guys who are also cut; I feel that it is cleaner but that is only my opinion, not based on any data. I also am attracted to men of my same size, both their physical size but also that of their dick. I would not turn down a guy with a larger cock, but I am not looking to set records for size and know I can enjoy a dick that I do not have to struggle with to get between my lips or fill my ass.

So I had progressed from the risky hook up in an adult bookstore and started to frequent gay saunas to have my fun. One, it was straightforward, you were both there for the same reason and two, you could look the guy over, whether it be in the shower, sauna etc. but I could rule out the guys who were not circumcised or that looked unhealthy or unclean. I have fooled around with guys of different ages, races, while having a great time.

I was not always successful in hooking up, sometimes you would only meet guys who wanted to bottom, and that is what I was looking for at the time. Lucky for me, I am versatile and like fucking as much as being fucked and the same goes for sucking cock. There were those days when I was turned off because the other guy was either too aggressive or too passive. I never want to play the role of daddy for some young punk or be a daddy's boy. I just wanted straightforward man to man sex. So respect me and fuck me or let me fuck you, but respect me as an individual.

I am no longer confused, I now know I am bi-sexual.