Confronted with Homophobia

All of Robert's friends and co-workers attended, I shook more hands and met more people in one afternoon, everyone concerned for my welfare, telling me stories of how Robert had helped them in so many ways. I had to excuse myself a few times I could not hold back at times, he was gone, he was actually gone. Robert's Dad stayed close to me all day, the man could not hold back so many times himself, he would cry I would cry.

The crowd slowly dispersed, we would have a private burial at his Mother's graveside. I had yellow roses brought with us, Lisa Eddy, Robert's Dad and I the only ones to attend. Robert's motorcycle friends all came, keeping their distance on their bikes surrounding the graveyard. Roberts urn was buried, each of us putting dirt on top of him, Robert's Dad and I full on crying as we did so. All of the guys on the motorcycles all revved up their bikes as the last of the soil covered Robert's urn, each one slowly riding off, paying respects to their friend.

I was a blubbering mess, I needed time to get myself together before the trip home, I sat in the back seat of my SUV with Robert's Dad, I asked Eddy to take us for ice cream at their favorite spot when Robert was a child, we all had an ice cream hoping to lighten the mood. We dropped off Robert's Dad taking him in and getting him settled, the day had taken it out of him.

"Thank you Tom for the wonderful service you had to honour my son, so very proud of you for all you have done for my son, for my Robert." Robert's Dad told me tears rolling down his cheeks.

"I love your Son so very much, I am not sure how I will go on without him, thank you for your kind words Dad, I will come by to visit daily to make sure you're okay." I said to him hugging him.

Once I got him back in his bed I hugged him and said goodbye.

"Love you Son take care." Robert's Dad said to me.

"Love you too Dad." I said walking out before I started to cry again.

I got in the car we headed home, Eddy commented he needed clean clothes, they would have to swing by their apartment to grab something for him to wear for work tomorrow.

"Drop me off, take the SUV home, I am not going anywhere you two go home for the night, I will be fine. I need to be alone for a bit, so I can wrap my head around all of this." I said to them.

"Tom are you sure you're okay alone in that house?" Lisa asked me.

"Lisa, Eddy come on you two go home, we can talk and text, if I need you guys to come back I will call you okay." I said to them both.

"Only if you're sure Tom, we want to make sure you're okay." Eddy said to me.

"Eddy it will be a long time before I am ever okay, but I will go on, I will persevere. Please you two have done enough for right now, go home get some rest, call me tomorrow." I said to them.

They dropped me off and headed home, walking into my house was so weird, I was not used to being alone, I was never alone till now, he was really gone.

"How did all this happen? Why did all this happen? Who is responsible? Why have I not gotten any answers to what had happened to the man I love?" I asked myself aloud.

Within a day or so I got a call from the police they wanted to come by to give me Robert's personal belongings and let me know what had happened. I was nervous but at the same time I needed to know what had happened to him out there.

Two young policeman came to my door, one carrying a bag of Robert's personal belongings, I invited them in and we took a seat in the sitting room.

"First and foremost we want to express my condolences to you for your loss, there are no words I can say to you to make you feel less pain than you do right now Sir." Officer Mitchell said to me.

"Thank you so much, but I need to know how did this happen to Robert, he was such a cautious driver, he never ran a yellow, he never broke traffic laws. How could he have been in such a bad accident?" I asked them both.

"Putting the facts together we found that Robert did not break any traffic laws, it seems a truck driver ran a red light saying the light was about to turn green, but the traffic lights showed he was one hundred percent in the wrong, he hit Robert's bike on the side knocking him into oncoming traffic where he was hit the second time by an SUV. The SUV driver was not at fault Robert was basically thrown at his car. The impact should have killed him on the spot, he was one tough guy to survive the ambulance ride to the hospital, but the paramedics said he had to see Tom before. He never said before what but just before." Officer Mitchell told me his face red his eyes tearing up.

I sat there speechless, what could I say to this, what was the right thing to ask?

"Will the truck driver be charged with the accident?" I asked.

"Yes he will be charged with manslaughter, reckless endangerment, and a whole slew of other charges, you can sit in on the trial once it is under way if you care to do so." Officer Mitchell told me.

I sat there I had no words, this guy this truck driver had taken the man I loved, what could I say to any of this? I started to cry, I could not hold any of it back anymore. Officer Mitchell offered me a tissue sitting next to me on the sofa patting my back.

"Again Tom I'm so sorry for your loss, I have nothing to say to you to make you feel better unfortunately." Officer Mitchell said to me.

I pulled myself together I thanked them both, shook their hands and closed the door. The silence was the worse, it was deafening, I sat at the table I should eat, but I was not hungry, I was numb I was empty. I laid my head on my arms at the table, I was all cried out, there was no more, I slowly dozed off, Robert in my dreams, my man, my lover. The man I was to marry, the more I tried to pull him close the more he seemed to pull away.

"Tom Babe remember I Love You with all my heart and soul, Please always know that." Robert told me his eyes on my eyes.

I woke up with a start, like someone had jolted me, it was the ping from a phone Robert's phone to be exact, it was in his personals. I got up and grabbed the bag there was work clothes in it, Robert's leather jacket all scuffed up and torn cut off of him, his cell phone and things we carried in the storage bags on the bike.

His phone pinged again, messages received four, two from me and two from Eddy, both of us worried about where he was. Robert had pics of us on the bike, pics of him and his Dad in the room at his Dads, pictures of his Mom and him when he was a small boy. Some missed calls not much else work calls, text messages from friends wanting him to go out for drinks with them, his response that he was in Love and was no longer into bars.

I slowly got back into my new life alone, I worked mostly from home, I did not care to associate with colleagues from work, they asked to many stupid questions still, mostly how I was. For more than a few years I was still numb, happy on the outside but dead on the inside, I contemplated suicide a few times, this way I would be with him again, but something stopped me, I somehow knew it was Robert. The truck driver was charged with manslaughter, I had a hard time to be in the court room so I did not go till sentencing.

Robert's Dad passed away in his sleep one night less than a year after Robert did, the home called me to let me know, I headed over right away before they took the man away. This brought it all back, it was hard to let his Dad go he was the last tie I had to Robert. I had a small service, I buried him above his wife beside his son, I had a stone put in place with all three on it, leaving room for my own name one day.

Sorting through his personals I found pictures of Robert, his Mom and Dad, when Robert was a boy, pictures of cars, happy and sad moments in time. Lisa and Eddy had a little girl she was so sweet, she loved her Uncle Tom who spoiled her to no end. Lisa and Eddy moved to another State, work for Eddy was sparse in this area. We chatted weekly at first then it slowly became less and less.

It was five years before I actually interacted with any of my neighbours, I kept to myself mostly the house across the way went up for sale. I talked to the owners good friends of mine tired of the climate they would head to greener pastures. Their house sold quickly to a nice young family husband wife and two kids a boy and a girl.

I have to say the hardest part is the loneliness, the no physical contact, Robert and I hugged touched and kissed all the time, I could never hold that man enough, his scent was something I missed the most, his head on my chest, just a hug, not being held when your lonely is the hardest of it all, and I was so lonely all the time without him with me.