Confronted with Homophobia

It was a long boring day, I wanted to go home at two, but still had so much work I had to complete, finally four thirty came, Robert had messaged me Eddy had taken him to the shop to get his bike. I packed up and headed home, it felt weird to not have Robert with me on the way home. I stopped and grabbed some ingredients I needed for salad and some spices for the meat.

I pulled in the garage and the bike was not there, I guess he had taken it for a ride, the man could live on that bike. Turns out Eddy and Robert had looked around the shop, both like two kids, looking at things they still wanted to buy. Robert and Eddy decided on a ride before heading home, when they got to a certain point Robert was going one way Eddy the other.

I waited for over an hour still no Robert, another half hour went by and still no Robert. I messaged him, then called him, his phone going to voice mail, no reply to my message. I called Lisa to see if he and Eddy had gone for a ride, they had but Eddy had gotten home about twenty minutes ago. Now I was worried sick, where is he? Is he okay? I was terrified.

Eddy went for a ride to the point he had last seen Robert, Lisa came over to be with me. Another half hour went by and still no news, Eddy messaged Lisa telling her to get me in the car and to bring me to the hospital downtown, there was an accident and Robert was involved.

"Don't ask questions just get down here Now!" Was Eddy's last message.

Lisa and I were there in minutes but it felt like it took so long, I was terrified, was he badly hurt? Would he be okay? Please let him be okay! I ran into the hospital, Eddy caught me at the doors.

"Tom it's bad, really really bad, come with me they will let you in to see him, you are the only person who can see him at this point." Eddy told me holding my arm.

"Be strong for him Tom, make him feel like he will be fine, he is so terrified right now, he drifts in and out of concious, he only asks for you." Eddy told me.

I could not talk, I could not respond, I had to see him, I had to know if he would be okay. As we came up to the ICU the Doctor asked if I was Tom Matthews. I could only shake my head in the affirmative.

"Mr Matthews Robert is in very bad condition, I will not sugar coat it, he may not make it. His injuries are substantial, if he makes it through the night then he has a fighting chance to live." The Doctor told me.

"Can I see him?" Is all I could get out.

"You can but he is in really bad shape he has tubes and bandages everywhere, his both legs are broken in multiple spots, his right arm, he has broken ribs, and a concussion." The Doctor told me.

I heard nothing but I had to see him, the Doctor led me into the room, you could barely tell it was Robert in all those tubes wires and bandages. Once I saw those eyes I knew it was him, the man I loved so very much. The waterworks started and I could not hold them back, my face was pouring out tears, I could not see my eyes were so welled up with tears.

I held his left hand so he would know I was there, he gently squeezed my hand, his eyes opened once more.

"Tom Babe you came, Tom they say I was in an accident, I feel like I have been run over by a truck, but I do feel better with you here Babe." Robert said to me.

"Oh Babe I was so worried about you, you hold on for me, for us, I love you so much Robert." I said my eyes pouring out tears.

Robert would fall in and out of consious, over and over he would pass out, they were monitoring him constantly, one nurse would leave another was in behind her checking his vitals, checking his IV alarms went off, they asked me to leave, his blood pressure was dropping his heart no longer beating. They prepped him for surgery, he had internal bleeding, they had to get in right away to see if they could stop the bleeding.

I signed the papers, they had him stabilized for now, but he needed surgery. Robert regained conciousness before they wheeled him out, he and I kissed, I told him I loved him so much, this was to the last time I would see my man alive.

Robert died on the operating table, they brought him back once but the second time he was gone, the Doctor came out of surgery to give me the bad news, he had to many places he was bleeding, they could not get them all to stop, the trauma of the accident was more than the man could take. I stood there crying, a big part of me had died with Robert, Lisa and Eddy tried to console me but they too were in tears.

We stood there all of us in tears, I asked the Doctor if I could see him, the Doctor suggested I not do that, but to remember him as he was. Eddy suggested we leave, we would have to go tell his Dad before it got on the evening news. I was lost, I did not know what I was doing or where I should be.

Eddy met us at Robert's Dads Nursing home, I had to do this, the man had to know, better he hear it from me, not some stranger or the television. I walked in the room Eddy and Lisa behind me.

"Hey Tom good to see you." Robert's Dad said to me.

That was it the waterworks started, I could not turn them off, the man knew what was wrong, what had happened just by the way I was acting.

"Sir we have bad news, really bad news, Robert died in the hospital just a short time ago." Eddy told Robert's Dad.

Even hearing it out loud, it still did not seem real, I did not want to believe that my man was gone forever.

"Tom is it true? It can't be Tom, not my boy. This has to be a really bad dream, isn't it?" Robert's Dad said to me pulling me in for a hug.

"I'm so sorry, I wish it was not real, but I am sorry Dad it is, he's gone." I said in tears.

I sat on the side of his bed, none of it felt real, none of it could be real could it? Robert could not be gone could he?

We stayed with his Dad we talked about Robert, what a kind soul he really was, how he loved that bike, and how he loved all of us, how lucky we all got to know him. I dreaded going back into that house, how could I live there without him?

"Tom will you have a funeral for him?" Robert's Dad asked.

"Yes of course, I would like to bury him above his Mom, Robert asked to be cremated." I told him.

How could we be having this conversation? This can't be real, can it? My Robert can't be dead.

"What about me Tom do I have to move out of this place now that Robert is no longer paying the bills here?" Robert's Dad asked.

"No Sir you are staying right where you are, I will see that the bills come to me now." I said to him to assure him he was okay.

"Thank you Tom, let me know if I can help you in any way with the arrangements." Robert's Dad said.

"I will run it all by you before I commit to doing anything, he was after all your Son." With that the waterworks started again.

Once we got ourselves together, I suggested we let Robert's Dad get some rest, I would stop by tomorrow with final arrangements. I hugged the man, even kissed his cheek.

"Get some rest Dad see you tomorrow Love you." I told him.

"Thanks Tom for everything, love you too Son take care of yourself." Robert's Dad told me.

Eddy hugged him, Lisa too.

I still felt like this was all a bad dream, none of it real, once home I called work telling them I would not be in for a week or two, telling them of my loss. I called the funeral home to make arrangements for Robert's body to be picked up at the hospital. I was doing things getting the arrangements done but I was not concious of what I was actually doing. I had to ask Lisa or Eddy if what I was doing was okay or the right thing.

They wanted me to go lay down have a nap rest relax, get some sleep, I went to my room and laid down, I laid there looking at Robert's pillow. It smelled of him, I could feel him there with me the Doctor had perscribed medication for me to sleep. Once it kicked in I was out, I dreamed of our day to day lives, of us on the bike, me holding him so tightly it felt like he was there with me, I could hold him I could feel him I could smell him.

Before I woke at seven, Robert was there on top of me his eyes on my eyes, his body floating on top of mine, his lips so close to my own.

"You know I Love you don't you Tom?" Robert said to me, but not out loud only for me to hear.

"I Love You too Babe." I said out loud waking myself.

I laid there crying, tears pouring out of me, I cried for more than a half hour. I went to the bathroom, washed my face, cleaned myself up, went in to make coffee. I was on autopilot at this point, I was doing things but not realizing I was doing them. I took out food for breakfast, like I would have if Robert were here.

Lisa got up and came to have coffee with me in the kitchen, she watched me as I cleaned a sink I had already cleaned three times. She took my hand and brought me to the table, poured us a coffee held her hand on my shoulder to keep me seated, and to show me some support. The tears came often, some little thing would spark a memory of Robert, my Robert and I was a blubbering mess.

Eddy had gotten up and went to work, he wanted to let his friends know, and to tell his boss why Robert was not at work today before he called him on his cell or on mine. Lisa and I sat not one word said between us, sipping coffee, she got up and made us some toast. I could have sworn I was not hungry, I was not anything actually, I was dead inside.

The days passed by, the funeral home made all the arrangements to my specifications, I purchased an urn to house his ashes with a motorcycle engraved on the side of it, Robert's name date of birth and death, it was beautiful, but it still did not feel real. I had a picture of Robert in his leather jacket, pulling his helmet off sitting on his bike, his signature smile, the eyes his eyes always melted my heart. It couldn't be real could it? He could not have left me could he? He would never leave me would he?