Coming of Age - 2nd Love

Something in the Wind

Scott was headed back to Pullman, he had barely made it off of Mercer Island -- when his phone rang, it was Maureen. He ignored the call and focused on his driving. The phone rang again and he was going to let it go to voicemail again, but looked at the caller ID, it was Eva so he answered the call.

Eva was always to the point "Scott, where are you?"

Scott answered his new friend with a smile -- "In my truck heading east on 90 coming up to a place called 'Eastgate.'"

Eva -- "Would you get off the freeway? I sent the girls home with Mat and thought we could grab some coffee or a beer before you try to drive back home. Today was chaotic and we didn't get to talk about you and AJ the way I would have liked."

Scott -- "I guess I can but only for a bit. I have a long drive ahead of me and it's getting late. Any ideas where to meet?"

Eva -- "Take the exit to 150th, go over the freeway. Turn right at the light and there is a Toyota dealership, turn into the driveway just past the Dairy Queen and head back to a little diner called Lil' Johns. Grab us a table and I'll be there in 10 minutes."

Scott went in and found a small bar at the back with a few tables still open. There was one that sat away from everyone, so he snagged that and let Eva know he was in the bar and she would not be able to miss him when she arrived. He ordered iced tea and some fries.

He was munching on the hot fries and drinking his iced tea when Eva sat next to him and kissed his cheek. Eva thought to herself -- this man is stunning but I'm not here to get in his pants, settle down girl.

Eva was smiling ear to ear -- "Scott, thanks for staying, I wanted to apologize for earlier. I was all about getting information to protect AJ and I didn't think about you and how you are potentially blowing up your life for something that is not a sure thing."

Scott liked Eva -- "There is no reason to apologize. I was a rambling freaking idiot earlier today. I have been nothing short of a 'nutter' since the night I met AJ. I can't explain it because I don't know what the hell happened that night. All I know is I was a goner from the moment I looked into those beautiful, big blue eyes. I can't wrap my head around it, but my heart is so damn taken I become this blubbering idiot when I see him. Today in the church he looked right through me, didn't recognize me, and I panicked. For fucks sake he just lost his wife and I'm perving on the man. Scott, you are doing it again..."

Eva chuckled a bit -- "You got it bad my friend and you are a friend -- new as it may be. Don't take the lack of recognition personally; AJ has been seeing/talking with Syd since her death. He was originally going to sing 'Amazing Grace' but he changed his mind in the moment and I saw him nod his head at something/someone, I would lay money on the fact he saw or heard Syd asking him to sing 'The Dance.'

I get it, it's hard to fathom but those two were so connected. AJ has similar interactions with his Gramps -- there was a bunch of stuff that you'll learn eventually, suffice it to say the discussions have helped him resolve some things. Just know our boy is special and open to contacts from the other side, accept him as he is and you will have a friend for life."

Scott was completely at ease -- "Interesting but I get it, some people are just intuitive that way. Eva, thank you for calling. I know we don't know each other that well, but it is good to talk with someone who has been on both sides of this thing labeled bisexuality.

I realized that night I had been repressing a side of me I didn't want to acknowledge. I have never been into sex for just the sex -- there is always something emotional in it -- I need to have some connection to be interested and I have always curbed my feelings when it comes to another guy.

AJ was different -- the moment I saw him standing there holding that little one in his arms wearing the rattiest of ratty cut-up sweats and those eyes staring at me filled with dread, I melted and knew my heart was in trouble. He was a great-looking guy but his eyes slay me -- deep sapphire with so much emotion and movement, just like water and that nagging voice whispering in my ear -- 'Please help him through this...' kept repeating in my head.

I was there to take him to his dying wife and I was perving on him. I felt like such an asshole; I knew I had to help him, that damn voice in my head was so persistent. Every time I was going to run away, it was back -- 'hang in there, it will be worth it in the end.' I was convinced I was losing my mind but that voice kept telling me what I needed to hear to stay there and be near him."

Eva smiled at him and nodded -- "Have you ever had something like that happen in the past?"

Scott thought about it for a minute before answering -- "It was similar but different. The day my mom died -- what felt like a hand brushed my cheek and a whisper in my ear -- 'I'm better now.' It sounded like my mom before she got sick -- full of life and without pain.

The night of Syd's death was surreal, the voice was not at all familiar but was very persistent and started in my head before I even took the call. As that night progressed my heart was getting pulled into his orbit. That's not right either, it wasn't only pulled, it was pushed. That voice kept coming to me -- 'don't run,' 'you deserve to be happy,' and 'your love could be epic.'

Today in the church when he looked through me and I panicked, that voice was back -- 'give him time,' 'don't run,' 'he's so worth it.' I know the voice is female but beyond that, I have never heard it before."

Eva was convinced it was Syd trying to take care of her love. She grabbed her phone and asked Scott to give her a minute. She found a voicemail from Syd and hit play, put the phone to Scott's ear so he could listen and the recognition that hit his face said all she needed to know. "It was/is her."

Scott found his voice -- "I don't know if I'm being stupid or not but that is the voice I have been hearing. She can be very persuasive, a bit persistent, and a little overbearing.

As a result of everything that is going on, I'm seeing Maureen, my fiancé, with a clear head and eyes wide open. My family has always said she is a bitch but I defended her, she's an only child and has not had the love and support we have.

Over the last two weeks, I have seen the real her, so self-centered, self-absorbed, and downright mean. She has been awful as of late -- she threw a fit and would not attend the candlelight vigil with me and my dad. Her reaction was -- 'You want to go pay tribute to some dumb sorority girl; I'm not going.' I didn't go because I didn't want to cause yet another fight, especially knowing that I was going to be here today, I let it go as I was not up for two huge fights, so I stayed with her and picked our place settings for our reception.

The intense feelings I have for AJ have opened my eyes to her and the feelings I have ignored/repressed for as long as I can remember. I know that what I feel for Maureen is not true love, so regardless of where any of this goes, I decided to call off the wedding. I can't marry her when I don't think I even like her, and I'm pretty sure I have stuck it out this long because she was there for me when my mom died.

I know I need to get my life sorted before I approach AJ, I can't just roll into this with him and then realize I'm not truly open to a gay relationship. I know he classifies himself as 'confused' based on a conversation we had with his buddies in Pullman, but that doesn't mean he is open to a gay relationship either. It's one thing to mess around sexually but are either of us able to commit to an actual relationship?

I do know two things about sex, 1. I enjoy sex with women and 2. I want to have sex with a man at least twice -- once to decide if I like it or not, and a second time to confirm my thoughts.

I'm rambling again - the feelings I have for AJ are not about the actual act of sex. I know it has only been a couple of weeks, so this all sounds stupid, if I think about AJ or God forbid see him -- it feels like I'm home. I get this warm feeling starting in my chest and flowing out to every part of my body. Just thinking about him is bad enough but when I'm near him, I get tongue-tied and overwhelmed -- it feels like I'm wrapped in a warm blanket and I would be content to stay there forever.

It's like when I was a kid on Christmas Eve, I couldn't sleep, I wanted to have morning come but I didn't because I love the feeling of anticipation, unbridled joy, and belief in something beyond myself. Fuck I sound like a Hallmark card. I'm doing it again -- there is just so much in my head and heart that I'm having so much trouble organizing my thoughts."

Eva squeezed his arm -- "Scott, first of all you are opening yourself up to new possibilities and things that some people don't accept, so give yourself a break and take it moment by moment.

As far as 'love' goes, there is no correct way and it is never a guarantee. The only thing I can do is give you different perspectives on how love can work -- 1. I knew my ex-husband for 6 years before we got married. We went through all the phases, friends, dating, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, and finally a divorce. 2. AJ met Syd the Friday before school started, the following Friday, he told her he loved her, and was going to marry her and have babies with her that night. She told him she loved him the next night, they dated, became best friends, got pregnant, got married, dealt with cancer, and he lost her to a tragic accident -- death in my opinion was the only thing that would come between them.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is this -- Search your heart, know what you want out of life, and then don't worry about what others think about it, it is your life and you need to be happy. If that is, as a straight man, a bisexual man, a gay man, or any other sexuality that makes you happy and content, go for it and be your authentic self. Don't worry about labels, focus on what is in your heart -- don't let anyone dissuade you from finding an epic love."

Scott was looking at Eva for a moment -- "I have to ask you this -- why are you talking to me about all this? You are Syd's aunt; AJ's friend and you have known me less than a nanosecond?"

Eva smiled at Scott -- "That's easy, you are a good guy, who stuck with someone that is more like my brother in his time of need. Know you aren't the only one being prodded by Syd, she has made it clear to me that I need to help AJ deal with all of this, she pushed me here tonight to be your sounding board. So, enough about all this, tell me about you and your family."

Scott smiled and squeezed Eva's hand -- "Deal as long as you tell me about yours when I'm done.

Good.

Well, I turned 25 in March, I'm the youngest of 3, and up until recently, I would have said I was a straight man. I would have to agree with AJ's assessment of himself, 'confused' is a better description, shit that's not right. I am bi-sexual, it isn't a question anymore, I know in my gut I am bi-sexual. God that felt great just saying it out loud.

Anyway, I graduated from WSU a couple of years ago and was going to go to Law School but put that on hold and joined the force in Pullman to be near my dad, I didn't want him to be alone after my mom died. Man was he pissed about my decision. I do my best to stay fit but love my beer, pizza, burgers, and fries.

Melissa is the oldest, she is 32 and a lawyer here in Bellevue. She is married to a wonderful guy, Grant, who I think is 33, and some sort of financial guy, and they have two kids, Caitlyn, six, and Stephen, eight months.

Teddy is next, he is 29, a finance guy, and married to the best person I know, Rebecca, 30, she has to be to put up with that dude, she is in marketing. They have two little ones too, JonJon who is five and TJ who is six months old.

My dad's name is Jonathan, he is 56 and recently lost my mom after 30 years of marriage to cancer. He is the police chief in Pullman and a great guy, he lives to take care of his family even though we are all adults.

He knows something is up as he keeps asking me if I'm all right, so I will be sitting down with him this week and talking it all out. He is a great sounding board and never judges me. I'm sure he will be relieved when I tell him I am not marrying Maureen, he never really liked her. I'm sure I will be throwing him for a loop when I tell him I think I'm falling for someone I've known for all of 2 weeks, and when he finds out it is AJ, I'm not sure what that reaction will be but in my heart I know he will come around.

Before I start rambling again, I'm stopping there and will let you talk for a bit."

Eva squeezed Scott's arm -- "You are absolutely adorable. If I were 10 years younger, I would be all over you. Sorry, I digress.

I'm the youngest of two, Syd's dad is my brother and is 18 years older than me, my mom and dad were told more kids weren't possible, then here I was. I have two wonderful kiddos -- Carrie, eight, who is madly in love with AJ, so watch out for her, she might have something to say about you two. Maddie is six, adores AJ, and both are devastated that Syd is gone, I found them in bed together the morning I went to tell them Syd had been killed in an accident. Carrie and Maddie were crying and rocking together, Carrie was telling her that Aunt Syd was in a better place, so that cemented it for me, if you are open to it, you can communicate with those who are gone.

I'm divorced from their father, as I just told you, we did it by the book. I'm with Matilda 'Mat' Sullivan -- she completes me in a way I didn't know existed. I think she will be moving in shortly -- we have taken it slow in that regard because of the girls, but I think it is right.

I live here in Bellevue, work in Marketing, and raise funds for a family trust that supports medical needs around the globe. I could do that full time, but I want some separation from all that is attached to the money that comes from the family. I need to know I can cope on my own."

Scott smiled and asked Eva -- "So how did your family react to Mat? It seems like a big departure from your original track?"

Eva chuckled -- "Well Mom and Charlene were great; Elliot came around eventually but at first, he was convinced that I was trying to get attention. Syd and AJ were awesome, I found out that Syd was bisexual and had two girlfriends when I told her about Mat. She spent a couple of weekends a year with them naked and having sex at our family vacation home in Montana. Yeah, who would have known? AJ knew all about it and was okay with it. Syd was always pushing AJ to have his naked weekend with Travis and Jeremiah from the house, but something was/is holding him back.

So, to his comment about being 'confused,' I don't buy it. Like you, he knows he's bisexual but something is holding him back. Syd confided in me that there is something in AJ's past that hurt him deeply and is preventing him from truly embracing his whole self. What is that look for, Scott?"

Scott shook his head and laughed -- "You don't miss much, do you? I was putting two and two together now that I have that nugget. Trav called AJ Honey and was ribbing me about having a thing for AJ. Jer was giving me a bit of a cold shoulder and playing like he wasn't interested until Brent and Steve called them both out on wanting to get into AJ's pants since the first day, they met him. Ok, so what gives?"

Eva raised her hands in mock surrender -- "Okay Popo, Jer is engaged to Cynthia, and Trav is engaged to Julia. Those are the girls that Syd spent a couple of weekends a year being naked and having sex with. My guess is the girls know their boyfriends are bi-sexual and have been encouraging them to hook up for their naked weekends. Syd was convinced this would be the summer that AJ agreed to 'naked weekend' but she was still concerned about something."

Scott gave Eva's elbow a shove -- "You are horrible, 'Popo' what are you 12? You and Chase should get together and talk about boys, braid each other's hair, and share barbs you can use."

Eva snorted -- "Oh shit I snorted. Chase is fabulous and cares a great deal about AJ. He pretends he wants to do AJ but I don't buy it. I think Chase would be completely lost if their relationship went south, and that is a possibility when you throw sex into the mix. That young man is AJ's son, brother, best friend, and confidant all rolled into one person. Trav is AJ's best friend and brother, but I can see the two of them having sex and being perfectly fine after, Chase is a different person so tread carefully there my friend."

Scott was dumbstruck that Eva would think he was bashing Chase -- "Eva, I didn't mean anything by the comment other than you two use the same language. I absolutely love Chase; he takes the brunt of their circle of friends' ribbing but is just this force of nature like AJ. He brightens a room when he's in it, appears to be fiercely loyal, and honestly someone I want to know even if AJ and I don't go anywhere. No, no, no - get your mind out of the gutter, not in that way. Sheesh, I have never been around more sexual people in my life."

Eva winked at Scott -- "The gentleman doth protest too much, me thinks. He is adorable and objectively a fine piece of YOUNG man flesh."

Scott gaped at Eva -- "You dirty old lady. First me and now Chase. Is Mat of legal age?"

Eva smacked Scott's arm -- "First of all, you both are past the age of consent and Mat is a year older than me. As far as a dirty old lady -- I may be a dirty lady but I'm only 10 years older than you, you little shit.

Ok, so Scott -- I know you have some things to work out, first and foremost, Maureen. I need to know where you are before I jump in with both feet and do what Syd has asked me to do, is this something that is just a passing attraction, or could it be the real deal? I like you as a person but I won't let you screw with AJ."

Scott smiled, making Eva swoon a bit -- "Eva, I would love to say that I'm going to be AJ's next epic love but I can't know that. I'm scared, this is all new to me and it's been 2 weeks. My heart is all in, my head is wrapped around me being bi-sexual but my gut is doing somersaults and just plain scared. I need those all lined up before I can truly answer that question.

The biggest obstacle in front of me is the fear that I get everything lined up, knowing AJ is my epic love, I pour my heart out to AJ, and then he laughs in my face."

Eva was a bit shocked -- "Shit it's good to see such a good-looking stud feel insecure. It does those of us mere mortals good seeing even your type, panic. AhhAhh, let me finish. You are going to have to work for it, pretty boy. AJ has just lost the person he was going to be with for the rest of his life, he has something holding him back from accepting his bisexuality, and he has the boys to think about.

.

I will finish with, when you win him over be prepared for what hits you -- he is passionate, loving, kind, committed and when he is in, he is all in. You will always know your loved and that's why I said if you screw with him, you will have to deal with me. Now you may rebut, my rebuttal of you your rebuttal of your stupid comments. I think that is where we are."

Scott blew out some air -- "Damn you are like the She-Devil AJ has tattooed on his lower abdomen and quite honestly you are pissing me off just a bit.

First and foremost, I'm not a good-looking pretty boy and if I pursue something with AJ, those boys will be right there at the forefront of everything I do. I have done a shit job of conveying how much I'm struggling with this situation --

1. Through this conversation I know I'm in love with AJ -- I don't know how it happened so fast but all of the feelings inside of me are LOVE.