That Monday morning, for the first time in my life, I woke up in the arms of a dude. And not just any dude: he was the one I'd lusted for all this time, the one who'd made me realize I was gay, and the one I'd lost my man virginity to. I still couldn't believe I'd had a similar effect on him.
I'd assumed our little fling was just physical, but now I knew there was more to it. Part of me was nervous, because I didn't know where this was going. Another part wanted to stay like that forever; I felt totally safe with his arms around me.
Chad shifted his body, and I felt his morning wood press against me. I was tempted to play with him, but I resisted the urge. Instead, I just leaned over and kissed him.
Chad yawned and rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?" he asked.
"Seven forty-five," I said.
"What? You're shitting me."
"No I'm not," I said as I showed him my phone.
"Shit," he said as he jumped out of bed. "I've got an eight o'clock class. I need to run home and change--"
"No you don't," I said. "Just wear something of mine."
"For Christ's sake, Scott--"
"Nobody will know," I said. I got up and opened my closet. "Besides, we're about the same size... isn't that one of the perks of having a boyfriend?" I handed him a shirt.
Chad paused, then took the shirt in his hands. "So is that what we are now?"
"You tell me."
He looked around, as if he didn't want to be seen. "Well," he said, "we still don't need to say anything. Not publicly, at least. I've had enough to deal with--"
"I get it," I said. I tossed him a pair of shorts, and he put them on. They ended up fitting him perfectly. "You look hot."
"It feels weird," he said. "I'd never worn another dude's clothes. At least not like this."
"Well, I've never had another dude as my boyfriend. So I guess that makes us even."
Chad let off a nervous laugh. He tried to smooth out his hair, but it wouldn't cooperate, so I handed him a ballcap.
"Look at it this way," I said. "If you're still uncomfortable after class, you can always come here... and I can peel these clothes back off of you."
"Mm," he said as he kissed me. "I like the sound of that." Then he stepped into his flip-flops and hurried out the door.
I just stood there for a second, then plopped down on my bed. I reached down to Chad's dirty clothes, which were still lying on the floor. I held his pants to my face and inhaled his musky scent. I had to force myself not to do anything naughty.
My mind started swimming with all the shit I had to do. I was a little self-conscious about the hickey Chad had left, so I knew I'd have to be careful about what I wore. I also knew I'd need to get tested after the summer I'd had. I could've gone to the student health center for that, but I didn't have the nerve; I remembered how Chad had mentioned having gone somewhere else, so I made a mental note to ask him for details.
In the meantime, I went through my phone and deleted my hookup apps. Grindr was the first to go, followed by Jack'd, Hornet, and finally Scruff. By that point, I felt bad for having used them at all.
Eventually I showered and dressed, and I headed out to my first class. It was a philosophy course, which was required for my major but was totally uninteresting. To me, it was one more reason to switch majors, although I wasn't in the mood to deal with yet another life decision, and I still didn't know what I might want to switch to.
I spent that class basically lost in thought. On the one hand, I was pumped about me and Chad being a couple; I wanted to run off with him and live happily ever after. But on the other hand, I was scared of falling too hard too fast, especially since I'd been burned by him before. I knew he'd had his reasons for what he'd done, but I still didn't know what to think of how he'd gone about it. Now the stakes were that much higher, at least in my mind.
I was starting to realize how complicated Chad really was, and I could only guess what was going to come next. I'd never been one to talk about my feelings, but at that particular moment, I was dying to get that shit off my chest. The problem was, I had no one to talk to, at least about that. I couldn't say anything to the Kap Eps-- even Ryan or Marcos-- and I'd hardly talked to my other friends in months.
I'd just left class, and was walking past the quad, when I saw a flyer for Wildcat Pride. I knew this was a gay student group, but beyond that, I didn't know much about them. The flyer said they'd be holding a meeting that Thursday. I knew I wasn't ballsy enough to actually show up, but I was intrigued enough to want to know more.
I was about to look them up when my phone buzzed, and I saw a text from Chad:
I feel like going to Giulia's for dinner. Wanna come?
I felt a little flutter in my chest, and at least some of my anxiety went away. Giulia's was the best pizza joint in town. I paused for a second, then typed out the words:
Just you and me?
That's the idea
, he said.
I debated how to respond. Finally I just settled on:
That's cool.
Awesome
, he said.