This story will make more sense if you read David, Michael, Anthony, and Gary first, but not necessary. It will add context, but you should still be able to follow along. This is the last chapter I my semi-autobiographical series.
THE FUNERAL
It was an exhausting 24 hours. There must have been 500 people there to say goodbye to my wife and kids. I was just trying to get through each minute, each second without screaming in agony. The sadness was deafening. After 18 years of marriage, and raising two kids to 14 and 8, to have them pulled out of my life so suddenly was beyond devastating. It was an unimaginable horror I would not wish on anyone. I went home afterward numb. There was so much to do, so many details to handle, but all I could think about was their faces. After two weeks of trying to sort through things, and putting affairs in order, I finally started going back to work. Everyone was polite, but they had no idea what to talk about around me. It was awkward and strained. I welcomed the fact they left me alone, it let me concentrate on real work, but it made it difficult when everyone was treating me with kid gloves.I desperately needed to talk to someone.
The managing director of the local theater company where my wife Lori contracted called, and they wanted to know if I was picking up her personal effects. Ugh. I had forgot Lori kept an office with them since she was there three days a week. Getting the kids stuff from their school was hard to deal with, but like ripping a band-aid off, I did it all in one day to not drag it out. I had to rip another one off, it seemed. I agreed to go downtown the following day on my lunch hour, thinking if it was too hard to deal with I would just go home and not return to the office. I awoke the next day at 5 AM with a huge sense of dread. I went down there expecting to meet with the managing director, but she was not available. Christopher, one of the directors knew what I came for. His big open smile was a fresh change of pace from the pained expressions of pity I was usually met with from people that knew my circumstances. He greeted me with a hug, and led me to Lori's old office.
I had met him on several occasions when we went to the various plays over the years. Almost as tall as I am, he has a big, open smile, and dirty blond hair. He was in charge of marketing and seemed very smart. Lori spoke of him often and really enjoyed working with him. I knew he had lost someone close to him not long ago, as Lori went to the funeral, and she told me of the various things he related to her when they went to breakfast together. Lori loved having meetings over breakfast, and Christopher was her favorite companion, outside of me. I think. They worked out many issues over those breakfasts, and she always was in a better mood when she was going to them.
He led me to an office and gave me one box, and he grabbed another and he followed me out to my car. I thanked him, and thanked him for being Lori's friend. I let him know she treasured their breakfasts together.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
Not sure what came over me, but I didn't answer with my normal 'fine.' "Terrible. I don't sleep past 5 AM since the accident, and I have no one to talk about anything with. Everyone is awkward around me. I cant stop thinking about my family."
"When my partner died, I felt the same way. No one knows what to say. I use a few mental tricks I can show you. I also found support group really helps." He proceeded to give me the names of two groups he used. He said that he too treasured Lori Time as they called it. It was nice to speak to someone that had been there, and didn't treat you like you were diseased.
"It'll be ok, but you really need to go to one of these groups, or somewhere. It'll eat you alive otherwise."
"I just want to discuss it with people, ya know? I want to hear stories."
"Tell you what, I'll check on you soon, you go to these groups, and we can go to breakfast in honor of Lori soon. I will share, you will talk. It'll help."
I thanked him, and he hugged me. He gave my a sly expression I hadn't seen on his face any time before, and I had no idea what he was thinking. I got in my car and went home. As predicted, the tears flowed as I looked in the boxes at pictures and stuff. I stayed home and thought about my conversation with Christopher. I decided to look into one of these groups.
The following day I looked up the groups on the internet, and found a couple of meetings to attend and figured out from there where I needed to go. They helped immensely, I decided I liked the one group and made a point to show up regularly. It felt good to be among others who had been through this process before.
As promised, Christopher called to ask me to breakfast not soon after that. I accepted and it was set to Bud's Café the following Wednesday. I awoke that morning at the usual 5 AM, went for my run, and paced till it was time to meet up with him. I arrived and saw him already there. He saw me and smiled. He looked really sharp in his vest and I commented that it looked good on him. He asked how I was doing and I got him updated on the support group I liked and we ordered. We both ordered Lori's favorite, Eggs Benedict. I laughed and said it was her favorite here, and he said "I know, I am ordering it in her honor." The laugh changed to a tear.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"It's OK, I came here wanting to talk about her with someone that knew her, but that caught me off guard, for some reason."
"Those still happen to me sometimes. Your mind takes off, and you are crying deciding which bananas to pick at the grocery store."
"I would give anything for one more hug from my kids." More tears. "I'm sorry. I thought I was ready for this."
Just then breakfast arrived, and the waitress apologized for interrupting our moment . I chuckled and smiled at her, "It's ok, just reliving some memories." I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face.
When I came back, I told him it was too soon, and I needed to leave. I didn't want to make a scene. It was embarrassing, a grown man crying at a table with another man.
"Don't go, we'll eat in silence if you need to, but stay." I thought about it, and decided to take him up on it. We ate in silence for a few bites, and I broke the ice.
"Look, it was great of you to do this, but perhaps I am not quite ready."
"I've been there, it just takes time. You'll see. But there is no rushing this process."
"So I'm learning. I know there are 5 stages, but I think I have bounced through them so many times....."
He put his hand on mine, "If you force it, it just back fires on you. Relax, and let it out." He talked about my kids, he knew almost as much about them as I did, and asked for me to share stories, and then he asked how I met Lori. I told him that story. I had come to town to meet an old college friend, Lori was one of the girls that hung out with this group, we started talking and then next thing we knew, we were in a long distance relationship. After a few months I moved to town to be with her and we were married the following year.
I said it was funny, I think she might have married an artist that she introduced to me, but he seemed like a closet gay guy to me. He laughed.
"You don't strike me as the type to have gaydar."
"I had a few gay friends, and a roommate once. I think I can tell, sometimes. It isn't a big deal. You are who you are."
He laughed again, "Lori was easy to talk to, and she never judged, at least. Must be from her retail days, but she seemed at ease."
"I think gay guys are attracted to her." I said. It was then I got that sly look again. He said it was because of her kindness. But his face was saying something else, but I wasn't sure what.
We talked about his work, and I even made a comment about some personnel issue he mentioned. He noted that sounded like something Lori would say.
"She bounced a lot of stuff off me, and I gave suggestions. I guess sometimes it worked its way back to the theater." I could run their office from what I know about their people.
He laughed and said we should continue the Lori Time tradition and meet for breakfast more often. I agreed and we set our next one two weeks later. He walked me out to my car and I thanked him. I let out a huge sigh once I was in my car. It felt good to speak about my wife and kids and not freak others out, and he made it easy. I looked forward to our next breakfast.
Breakfast
We started going to breakfast every other week, and a funny thing happened. We stopped talking about my family, and spoke about his life, my life, our work, every day stuff. It was the one time of day I didn't get lost in my thoughts over my family. I could concentrate on what ever we were talking about and didn't have to worry about if I was making him awkward. Though I was still waking every morning at 5, this is the one morning I didn't dread. He was always there, waiting with that big open smile of his when I walked in.
About a month later we met each other at the theatre for a show, since I still had a subscription, and he sat with me and some other co-workers or friends with him, so it wasn't a date. I still liked going to the plays, it was something Lori and I did for every play they had, and it was a nice reminder of her to go back. There was a party for the cast and crew that night. Christopher asked me if I wanted to go. I had never been to one of these, Lori always went with her staff. I agreed and we met up after the show and walked to the backstage area, which I had never been. He led me back and placed his hand on my ass as he opened the door. I looked and there was that look on his face again. I didn't think anything at the moment, and he moved his hand up as I looked, so I figured it was an accident.
It was a wild party. Everyone let loose and the alcohol flowed. I mingled and spoke to a few of the people I knew, and Christopher was all over to all the various groups of folks chatting, dancing and drinking. It got late and I was wiped out. I started to leave, and he walked me out, making sure I was ok to drive. At the door he leaned in and kissed my cheek and said good-bye. I turned and left. I didn't think anything of the kiss, but I did notice that look again.
I drove home and thought about him. I hadn't even thought about him in those terms. I hadn't thought about any guy like that in so long. Way before I met Lori. I started to get weird about it, but shook it off. It was Christopher. I had breakfast with him every other week for the last 5 months. I went to a play and a party with him. It was just Christopher. We were friends, that's all, I told myself. I wasn't interested at all in him sexually, not that I could tell anyway. My loins hadn't stirred at all, let alone for a guy. He was much younger than me, so I didn't even give it a thought. The kiss was probably just alcohol related, not really meaning anything.
The next week was our appointed breakfast time, but I had to cancel. I had a work event to attend, and couldn't break away. Christopher was disappointed, thinking I was put off by his kiss.
"Oh, no, it was ok. I just forgot to tell you earlier," I said. So I asked if he wanted to come to my house for dinner instead, that Friday. I didn't want him to think anything was wrong.
