Chesapeake Night

I had forgotten how breath taking it all could be as I sat there on the dock. We had had dinner, together, at a small table, dipping our crab in melted butter as the horizon over the bay turned red then purple then royal blue. It was a peaceful and surreal string of moments, great food, a little wine and for dessert the stars.

He had married my sister, three years my junior. That's how long the marriage had lasted. She had been so sweet and so innocent, but as soon as she slipped out from the thumb of my stern father, almost as instantaneous as Kent had slipped the ring on her finger, she had gone wild. The booze, the drugs, the affairs, but after forgiving her time after time after time, she disappeared into eternity leaving him broken and alone.

We had not been close then, and really had no reason to keep in touch, but like the beacon somewhere on the other side of the bay we dined, and Kent had been there for me, when my own wife had lost her battle. It seemed the old adage was true, it did take one to know one. Kent helped me like no one else could. He alone would know how painful it was when you had to finally stop holding the hand of the one thing you loved more than life itself and let it slip away.

I had not seen him in; oh it must have been, five years. He simply showed up at the hospital one day and just sat with me, as Della went through would become her last round of painful chemotherapy. He kissed her on the forehead and told her she looked beautiful, then shook my hand and left. When she slipped away, as peacefully as the doctors could make it, in her sleep, Kent was there again to ease my burden and let me know that yes there was someone who understood.

That was two years ago. Since then he had called and I had called him. We lived less than 25 miles apart but it might as well have been thousands. In the past two years it seemed we had to make appointments just to get together and run.

I had done some dating but found most of the evenings wanting. Somehow from my twenties to my thirties the tables had been turned. I was now the piece of meat, constantly being squeezed and scrutinized to see if I was better than the previous purchase and did I give double coupons. I had come to make the choice to just be alone.

So it seemed that Kent and I ended up spending more and more time together. First, it was an occasional drink at Woody's and a brisk run/walk down the Promenade in Havre de Grace. Before long we started fishing and crabbing together on weekends and once even vacationing in the mountains for a week of rock climbing and biking. Time kept shifting for us; from youthful glow to tremendous heartbreak to comfort and support to now.

Here we were, two widowed men still attractive and in their prime, just sitting, enjoying each other's company and being awed by the display of natural phenomena around us. It was that time of year as summer eased its way to fall. The days were shorter and the evenings had that light crisp bite to them. The muted colors of heat eased their way into vivid depths that dazzled and the air ruffled your skin just enough to make you stop and take notice.

And I had taken notice. The light wind played with Kent's blonde hair as he folded his arms across his chest and just gazed out over the bay. He was one of those men that had always easily been noticed, but the boyish looks and the charming dimples had changed. Before while adorable, he was just one of many young men with teeny bopper cover looks and a white smile. Now, despite the scars of quiet pain, when those dark blue eyes turned to you, he took your breath away.

We had cleaned up the table and wandered back out on the pier, drawn to the sparkle of the water and the song of cicadas. We sat there side by side, legs dangling over the edge, sipping our wine and drinking in the good company and the sweetness of the soon to be fall night.

In the distance music played, the old stuff; music that eased you into it and unleashed your senses slowly and seductively. Kent leaned back on his arms and smiled. "What a perfect night."

I sipped the last of my red and nodded. "Getting cooler now...won't be spending too many more nights out here."

"Great cuddle weather, though."

"Oh god yeah..." I closed my eyes and remembered, god how I remembered. "I miss that. I bought flannel sheets, but that only helps a little."

Kent put an arm around my shoulder and slapped his hand on my chest. "You really need to find someone Joe. You weren't meant to be alone."

I chuckled to myself. "It would be nice my friend, but I'm not going to hold my breath." Kent nodded his head and looked at the water below our feet. "And what about you, buddy? Me thinks I heard the pot call the kettle black."

"Oh man, I gave up forever ago. My needs have changed. I'm too private now, and women...please don't get me wrong, I love women...but relationships with the ladies mean a lack of privacy. It's a natural thing..."

"Two become one..."

"I'm too closed off, I may never be ready for that kind of intimacy again. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm more comfortable with what we have."

"Plus, I'm a cheap date."

Kent laughed. I was so drawn to that laugh; the little dimples of his youth were now deeper and longer, teasing you to fall in them when he laughed. "Listen..." he said. "Hear that?"

I cocked my head to match his. "What? The music?"

"Yeah. What's that song?" He bobbed his head and sang "Dah dah dah dah duh dah...". "I love that!" He stood up and began to sway to the music, moving his feet and his hips gently swirling an invisible partner around the invisible dance floor. It was the Four Seasons and "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You". I couldn't resist. I stood up and joined him, dancing with my own long gone invisible partner.

Before we knew it we were dancing together on the end of the pier, at first just swaying together to the far off sound of Tony Bennett, then to Vicki Carr. By the time Michael Buble's voice could be heard on the water, I had placed my hands around Kent's back and his hands gently took my waist and we danced with each other, an inch of air between us but the sound of the orchestra filling the precious gap.

I had never held another man in my arms, and I don't know why tonight I suddenly reached out and took Kent in mine. It just felt right and he came to me, softly and without hesitation as we stepped together until the music ceased. We stood there in silence, touching but not moving.

He was looking down on the pilings we stood on, and I at the moon behind his head. It felt good to feel the heat of someone else's body, someone who didn't have designs on what kind of life I could provide for them or silently totaling up my plus and the negative traits to decide if the next step was worth the risk.

In the rays of the moon, I could see the little ringlets around Kent's ear that his short hair made when the weather was damp or he got overheated. I wanted to touch them, and tonight I did. I took just the pad of my fingers and grazed them enough to feel their softness and tremble at their determination to be known. Kent sighed. He leaned his face in to my hand and closed his eyes, he too, remembering what it was like to be touched and not scrutinized. He started to say something but I stopped him.

"Just let me breathe...you...a minute." I said quietly. Kent took just a small step toward me, the air between our bodies finally gone. I could feel his warmth, his musculature and the strength in which he resigned himself to just being held.

He slipped his hands tighter around my waist and put his head on my shoulder. I held him close and we slowly started swaying, dancing to the music of the bay, our hearts beating to the slip of the water and surrendering for the moment to just being. I knew I should be regretting holding a man this close, touching his body and him touching mine, but the moment was there and we both needed it.

Once again, a quiet sigh rose from somewhere. I didn't know if it came from me, or from him. All I knew for sure is that for the first time in a long time I was at peace and felt safe, and strangely enough loved. I put my hand on the back of his head as we danced. He nuzzled his cheek into the small where my neck gathered to my shoulder. It was oddly, if that's even the correct word, right.

I remembered the nights holding Della this way, feeling her soft body comforted next to mine. I could feel her heart beat again. I closed my eyes and just imagined the two hearts pumping warmth in the crisp of the fall, and that familiar sensation began to trail its fingers from my lightly shifting feet, through and all the way up to my mind, as I lay my cheek on the top of that blonde hair and just became the moment.

"Joe." At first I thought he was calling my name, asking me a question. His body only held itself to mine and I realized, that like myself, it was just a reminder to himself that it was me in real time, not a love he had lost so long ago in his mind. My response was to simply run by hand in a tiny reassuring circle in the small of his back. He did the same with his cheek on my neck, and we continued to dance.

Slowly as somewhere the music played, the memories faded in a painless glide back into the past and the present became clear. It was Kent dancing there in my arms, his body shifting with mine. It was his strong back that my hands explored. It was his fingers that slipped into my belt loops and pulled me in just a little closer. It was Kent's heart that was beating next to mine and the scent that wafted from the blonde hair was masculine and not light and delicate.

Kent turned his face up to look in my eyes. He smiled as he searched my face. I'm sure he could see the same thing missing that I found gone in his. The pain and heartache had drifted out with the Chesapeake tide. Wrong or right, the moment was perfect. We were whole again and now could move on.

I felt this strange pull, a need, one I was not accustomed to. There was a heat mingling in the dampness that began to soothe me, dazzle me. This time, it was I who inched in just a little closer, pressing myself into him, my arms wrapping tighter, eliminating all possibility of space between us.

For the first time I felt him, really felt another man. Had it been any one else, I don't believe I could have felt such comfort in his touch. I knew this man from the inside, and the gentle arousal I began to feel seemed simply like a completion in knowing him more. As softly as the water below us melded, our lips moved together. Kent turned his face upward towards mine and I lowered myself to his.

I could feel his breath on my face as my lips only needed another moment to brush against the softness of his. There was a plop, a fish naturally jumping from the Chesapeake, or maybe it was the fabled monster of the bay. Whatever it was it drew our attention and the moment was gone. The dance ended and we turned arms still around each other's waist until we sat as we were, feet dangling on the edge of the pier.

We sat in silence, looking at the water, only our hands between us, but this time I was very aware of the man beside me and the fact that his warmth and electricity generated from his little pinky touching mine.

"Another five seconds and I think I'd have made love to you." I said.

Kent's head cocked to one side, staring into the Bay. "Damned fish."

I put my hand on his and rubbed the soft but strong hand. "Run in the morning?" I asked. He nodded his head and smiled.

"I should go." I said and stood up. I tugged on the hand I still held and pulled him to his feet facing me. We stood there just looking at each other for the longest time.

"Joe, spend the night." There was nothing urgent about the statement, it wasn't even a question, just like what was between us, it was just there. I took my free hand and put it on the back of his neck, his strong sinewy neck, and his face came easily to mine and we kissed. Unlike my kisses now only existing in the past, this one was tender, passionate and real.

It seemed only natural and only right, our bodies stepping into each other as we kissed and explored each other's mouths with our tongues. A pang of desire hit me, followed by a pang of fear. We stepped away from each other as easily as we stepped into the kiss.

We released our hands and walked side by side in silence back to the house. Kent slipped his hands into his pocket and looked at the ground as we walked up the path from the pier to his back door. I knew that neither one of us was ashamed of the kiss or the dance, but I knew we were both at a loss. This had suddenly become more than we expected.

"Have you ever...?" He quietly asked.

I shook my head and looked at him to ask the same question.

"Once." He admitted. "A long. Long time ago." We were finally at the back door to his house and stopped and just looked at our feet.

"Meet me in the morning at the Promenade or at the house?" I asked.

"On the promenade, I guess."

"Thanks for dinner." I said

"Thanks for the company." He smiled. "Don't know what I do without your friendship sometimes."

I tapped his stocky chest with my index finger. "I know how you feel, Kent. Having you around has gotten me through days I never would have gotten through otherwise."

He smiled appreciatively. "I'm glad."

"Good night." I told him.

"Good night." He responded and walked to the door. I had headed for the driveway when his voice stopped me. "Joe?" He called softly.

I turned back to see him standing in the opened sliding doors. I guess he saw the look on my face, as he didn't wait for me to say anything.

"Maybe it's not what either of us had in mind, but wouldn't it be wonderful if somehow our friendship evolved enough to satisfy our nights as well?" He said and just stood there.

I didn't know how to respond. I nodded my head with another sad smile on my face to match his and turned to the car as I heard the glass doors slide shut. I stepped in the Camino and started the engine, pulling out slowly for the five minute trek from his house through the lane of woods before hitting the main road.

He was so right. We'd both had great loves and the losses had changed us forever. We didn't want or need to replace them, but we were young and lonely. Our friendship and commonality had served to make us both strong and happy. The waking hours had laughter, companionship and fulfillment. Our nights however were a completely different story.

I didn't sleep well, and more often than not I ached alone in my bed, desperate for a human touch other than my own. I had dated women since Della. I had sex since she passed, but it always came with these strings that ruined the moment. What I wanted was what I had with Kent.

There was something about the time and the place in my life that was being fulfilled by another man. We understood each other's needs. There was this incredible unstated bond and understanding. Kent knew when I was hurting. He knew when I needed to talk and he knew even better when I just needed silent companionship, like tonight on the dock.

There was no need for deep conversation. We didn't even need to discuss the irony of how wonderful it was to dance on the pier. It wasn't even necessary to talk through the kiss, how thrilling and passionate it was or the fact that had a sound from the bay not stopped it, it may very well have gone further.

Could it be that that moment of sexually charged energy between us would last for more than whatever time it took for physical release? I knew this man in every way possible but physically. Was it possible that knowing this man in every sense of the word was exactly what he wanted, he needed, what we very possibly both wanted and needed?

I knew how attractive Kent was, and realized that I'm not half bad myself. I couldn't help but notice the looks we both got from women and quite often from men. Kent has this almost perfect physique. His musculature was toned and tight. Now in his mid thirties he still had that deceptive look of baby like softness, but I knew for a fact that no matter how hard you might look there was not an ounce of fat on that man's body.

I approached the last stretch of the woods, the main road almost within sight, I laughed when I recalled the Saturday afternoon in the spring as were running together on the Promenade. We were both shirtless and had shown up wearing almost identical running shorts. Kent even made the comment that people might mistake us for lovers.

We ran together anyway, and it seemed to cause a stir among the other people on the mile long pier. I noticed another man leaned up against the railings in dark glasses that had passed us by several times. When the run was complete and we made there way to my truck, as fate would have it, the guy was parked beside us. Dressed in shorts and a camouflage tee, his haircut lending to the assumption that he was military from the Proving Ground just down the road, he came up and smiled.

"I usually don't do this, but I figure the worst that could happen is that I get the crap beat out of me, but getting naked in the middle of a sandwich of you two would be an absolute fantasy come true." He said, removing his glasses and staring lustily at both of us.

We both froze and remained silent. He guy smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "Thanks anyway." He said. "I just couldn't let the opportunity pass by without giving it a shot." He got in his car and drove off. We hopped in the truck and remained silent until we got on the Susquehanna Bridge and simultaneously busted out laughing.

But the thought had never really left my mind. I pulled the Camaro over to the side of the lane before I got all the way out of the trees and let the memory wash. I had to admit that I entertained that thought ever since the stranger had brought it up. Not that long ago, when the night left me so horny I couldn't stand it, when masturbation and using the sex toys someone had bought Della and I as an anniversary joke that had become an enjoyed regular addition to our togetherness, didn't fulfill me anymore.

I actually drove back out to the promenade alone one afternoon half hoping that stranger would be there and make another offer. This time I would take him up on it, just to see if the release would quiet the fire in inside of me that wouldn't seem to die. I had never had the desire to be with another man before, but I was searching. I needed a release that I couldn't give myself or satisfy with the series of one night stands that had become all too common.

A deer jumped from its hiding place in the trees and darted to the other side of the road. Like the sound from the lake a few moments earlier, I snapped back to reality. Sitting there in the car, I suddenly knew that what I needed was to make love, not fuck. I knew that making love meant a commitment, and I also knew that I was not ready for nor did I have the desire for the commitment that came with women.

I felt an aching hardness in my shorts. I knew that what was needed was the commitment that came with making love to another man, the understanding and personal space that came with that kind of physical pleasure and the time was now.

I opened the car door and locked it tight, leaving it right there, just out of sight of the main road and looked at the trail through the woods behind, now ahead of me. Slipping my hands into my pockets, I walked straight ahead, no fear, no desperation, just acceptant of the fact that everything I needed lie ahead.

It was a fifteen minute walk in the night. I took my time, knowing that this was a huge step, but also sure that what I was doing was not in vain. I knew Kent so well, and replaying the evening back from the first bite of dinner to the stars on a bed of blue sky to the dance ending in a kiss, I knew in my aching soul that Kent was ready as well. In a little while, I was fully prepared to know my friend in a new way and had no doubt that by morning we would be lovers.