Last summer, my last break before college, I discovered I was bisexual.
Once a year, usually in July, I get to see my friend Cedar. Our parents have always been close, so I've known him for as long as I can remember. He and I are the same age (him just a few months older), and we always got along fine, but we'd never been the talking-on-the-phone, texting-all-the-time kind of friends. Our families get together without fail for an annual summer vacation, hosted either at our place in Bend, or at their place in Missoula.
Last year, we were hosting. I'd spent the afternoon before they arrived getting extra blankets and pillows ready in my room, where Cedar would sleep. I was always nervous before I saw him, even though I knew he was easygoing and I knew we were going to have fun. We always did.
They pulled into our driveway just after 5:00, while the sun was still high in the sky. His folks and mine said their screamy, manic hellos, but he just stepped out of the driver's seat with a lopsided smile. He'd let his hair get a little long, enough that it was brushing the top of his sunglasses. Even though his last football season was done, he looked like he'd kept working out. He was muscular, but never bulky. "Hey, man," he said to me.
I offered him a handshake.
"You awkward bitch," he said, and he gave me a hug.
"Good to see you," I said. I always feel a little awkward around people like him -- cool people. He always knows what to say and has something funny ready to go. As for me, I have to try my hardest just so I don't mumble something stupid.
"You look really good," he said. "You sticking with track in college?"
I'd only started it my junior year. I'd been looking for something to keep me active, and it turned out I was actually pretty good at sprints.
"Hoping to," I said. "We'll see what happens at tryouts."
"I'm sure you'll be great," he said, and he gave me that smile again.
We said hello to each other's parents and then started unloading the car. I grabbed one of Cedar's bags and told him to follow me.
My parents' place is outside of town, set in the middle of ten acres of forest. It's an A-frame log cabin that they had built themselves, and construction had just finished the Christmas before. They'd managed every detail, my favorite of which is the detached garage with my room on top.
"Let me show you where you'll be staying, sir," I said, faking a butler's voice at the top of the outside stairs. I pushed open the door and waved him in.
"This place is amazing," Cedar said. "They just got it finished, and now you're about to move out?"
"Yeah, fuck me, right?" I said, in my regular voice. "I'm going to go from this to a shoebox dorm, and I'll have to share it with a stranger."
What I called my room was basically a single space with the same square footage as the two-car garage underneath it. I had a queen bed, a desk, a futon in front of a decent-sized TV with my videogames, a dresser, and a small kitchen area with a sink and drawers. In the far corner was a small bathroom with a standing shower. On the north wall were all my windows, opening onto a view of the woods and a bit of the Cascades that broke over the top of them.
"I heard you and Heather broke up," Cedar said. "Sorry to hear that, man."
"Thanks," I said. Heather and I had been friends for a few years and dated for close to a year. We were a pretty good match in terms of personality, but we had different paths. She wanted to do something in media and had to wind up in New York or Washington D.C. I was interested in staying close to nature, and somewhere on the west coast. It's difficult to get into the mountains or the woods if it takes you an hour just to leave the city limits.
Of course, she and I also had pretty different sex drives. We lost our virginity together, clumsily, almost falling off the bed, and I expected that. But in the handful of times we'd had sex later, she never seemed as interested as I was. I thought after our first time we'd both want to keep figuring new things out and getting better, but that didn't end up being the case.
For me, it was like a dam had broken open. I'd never been hornier -- and I knew I had to wait until September before I'd have a decent chance of meeting any girls.
I told Cedar, "I'm happy for her." And relieved. Our relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway. "She's got big things ahead of her on the east coast."
"She's got big things ahead of her anywhere she goes," Cedar said, squeezing at comically exaggerated air-breasts on his own chest. "I bet you'll miss those."
I laughed. He smiled.
"That was a test," he said. "And I guess you're over her. Plus now you're going to college as a free man and a legal adult -- happy birthday, by the way. Are you ready to sow your wild oats and commit debauchery?"
"Do you even know what that word means?" I said.
"Fuck you," he said. "I read. Now let's go eat."
We set his things down and headed back to the house for dinner. That's when I found myself watching his ass as he went down the stairs. The fit of his jeans showed him off perfectly: round, firm cheeks, strong thighs, built calves. I'd never looked at him this way -- I'd never looked at a man this way. Maybe I was too horny since I'd broken the seal with Heather? Was this normal?
At the bottom of the stairs, Cedar turned around.
"Whoa," he said, smiling. "Eyes up here, champ. I smuggled some of my dad's tequila if the beer runs out."
I nodded, said, "Nice," and we started walking again. I fell in step next to him. So he played it off coolly that I was looking at his ass, but did he understand how I was looking at his ass? I'm glad our parents were okay with us drinking a little, because I could use a beer.
My dad always liked to barbecue for company, so we had spatchcocked chicken, corn on the cob, kabobs, and a whole spread of sides. Everyone started drinking, and dinner turned into a three-hour event of food and catching up. The conversation was easy. I'd been nervous, but it didn't take long before everything felt right.
At one point we were talking about college in the fall. Cedar looked over at me and said, "I bet you'll have a girlfriend in a week." And he gave me this wide grin with an eyebrow raise. He might have just been trying not so subtly to underscore the adult nature of the joke. Part of me, though, and maybe it was just because of how fucking horny I was feeling, wondered if he was coming on to me.
That was the first time I could ever recall questioning my sexuality. Did I want to have sex with a guy? Being with Heather, the feeling of my cock sliding into her pussy, and how she tightened around me were unforgettable. Of course I'd fantasized about all the things she and I hadn't tried yet, like her beautiful ass. Getting to explore it, getting to eat it, getting to push my entire cock into it -- if she wanted me to. Her ass checks were so round and perfect, and her pucker of an asshole? Beautiful. I hoped so badly she'd be into trying anything back there, but we broke up before we could even talk about it.
Was I obsessed with ass? And if yes, did that mean I'd be interested in a guy's ass? I started to tremble a little because my cock was hardening.
An hour after the sunset, Cedar stood up. "It has been an absolute delight," he said, "but I think I'm going to call it a night." He looked at me and said, "Was there a towel in your bathroom? I want to take a shower after being in the car all day."
