Cant Go Back

Dear Jared,

Baby Karen took her first steps the other day. Tyler caught it on video. I thought you'd like to see it so I attached a copy. That's why the package is so heavy. Your moms been crying a lot. Well, she's been watching the news. We all have. That's all we do is watch the news. Waiting. And it sucks. It feels like we're all just waiting for the announcement of a bombing at your base or a few soldiers taken hostage. And every time we don't hear that we feel relief. And it sucks. It's not a welcome feeling. It's nothing I look forward to. It's awful, and painful, and frustrating. You are frustrating. Infuriating actually. We all love you and want you be to be safe. We want you to be here. Tyler, your mom, Christina, Samantha, Dad all love you.

Since we're on the subject of love, I need to address something. Something that scares me, even more than the thought of you not coming home. But it's been heavily on my mind lately- well for the past couple of months actually. The last time you called, you asked me if I had found someone since you've been gone. I told you no. That wasn't a lie. I haven't found someone, but I wasn't honest as to why. I hadn't- haven't found anyone because I'm not looking. I wasn't looking because I'm already in love with someone.

I love you.

And not the way a brother loves a brother. Or a friend loves a friend. I'm in love with you. And I've tried to stop myself. I even tried to convince myself that all I feel for you is brotherly love. But I can't lie to myself anymore. And I don't want to lie to you anymore. The reason why I moved to England was so I wouldn't have to be around you because it was literally making me sick. I thought that being away would dissolve my feelings. But the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is definitely true. I'm living proof. I miss you everyday, and it drives me crazy that I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I don't even know why I'm telling you this because I know that nothing can ever, or will ever, happen between us. I guess I owed it to you and myself to be honest. And the truth is, I've loved you since I was 13 years old. I've been carrying this for 12 years. I can't tell you how good it feels to finally be able to tell you this.

I'm on the back of my second page and I don't want to take up anymore of your time with this. I didn't even realize how long this letter is. I hope you get this. I'll understand I'd you don't write me back. Or ever want to talk to me again. I just wanted you to know that I'll always be there for you no matter what you decide. Just like I always have been.

Love Always, Avery

P.S. I'm back home now. So make sure to reply to my home address.

****

I folded up the letter and put it in an envelope. I sealed it with one lick and wrote "To Jared" on the front. I got up to put on my coat to take the letter to the mailbox immediately. Because I knew if I didn't, I would think twice about what I was really doing and punk out. So before I lost the courage, I figured I should just get it over with.

18 minutes later...

I'm in my home office looking for stamps. After walking all the way to the mailbox (in the freezing cold) I realized that I forgot to put a stamp on the envelope. I seem to have none. Which is funny because I always keep them in my second drawer on the right. Right next to my stapler and envelopes. But I didn't have any. I could've sworn I just bought some the other day. I stop to think where I may have put them. I'm trying to retrace my steps. I remember I came in with a huge box of stamps, I went to my office to put them in the drawer, but then... The phone rang. So I went to my bedroom to answer it and I left the stamps in there. The nightstand! I raced upstairs to my bedroom to retrieve what I had misplaced. I opened the nightstand drawer and found the envelopes. Yes! But I also found a picture of Jared and Christina right under the box of stamps.

Then it dawned on me: I couldn't send this letter to Jared. I mean, how would he react? What would it mean for our friendship? And what about Christina? I hadn't even considered her. They were totally in love. Not to mention she's my favorite girl. She would feel betrayed and taken advantage of. I couldn't do that to her.

I looked down at the picture. Jared had his hands around Christina's waist while he looked at the camera with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. And Christina was kissing him on the cheek. Jared's All- American blonde hair and blue eyes meshed perfectly with Christina's red hair and green eyes. They complimented each other very well. They looked perfect together. I wouldn't want to be the one who caused tension in their relationship.

I put the picture back in the drawer and took the stamps downstairs. I put them in their proper place, along with everything else I took out. I reached for the letter in my coat pocket which was hanging on the doorknob. I stared at it for a long time. I put it in the drawer with the envelopes and stamps- right on the top, so it would be there if I ever felt the need to send it. Or even if I needed encouragement. I would just bury my feelings in the back like I always do. It's what's best for everyone. Hiding my feelings was just a small price to pay for everyone else's happiness, and I would gladly oblige.

2 months later...

I'll never forget the day I got the call. It was a Wednesday. A pretty good one. I had finished designing the invitations for my friend Miranda's art show, and she loved them. To celebrate her progress towards curating her first art show we went out to celebrate. But it was really just an excuse to get drunk. She ended up leaving me for a very sexy American named Bruce. So I caught the late tube home. It was about 1:30 when I got home. I was too tired to take a shower, but not tired enough to go to sleep yet. So I settled for watching some tv. It was 2:17 when Tyler called me. About 11 in the US. His voice was thick and shaky. I could tell he was crying. Tyler always considered crying to be a very "feminine mannerism". Even when we were 12 and his arm popped out of its socket when he fell off his skate board. He didn't shed a tear. So I knew this call wasn't a friendly one.

Tyler said there was an explosion at Jared's base. A kamikaze member of Al-Qaida walked on with enough explosives to completely destroy a city. Damage was done. Most soldiers came out okay. They had checked everywhere on the base for casualties and injuries. They couldn't find him. They said they would keep searching, but that we shouldn't keep our hopes up. That's the only reason they made the call; they had been searching for him for 3 days and still nothing. And with the peak temperature being 120 degrees for the this time of year, they concluded that he probably suffers from severe dehydration. They also said that he's a smart soldier- one of the best- so if he's still alive or conscious he would have found a way to contact base by now.

Tyler told me all of this while trying to keep his voice from wavering. I remained silent the whole time, because if I opened my mouth I would've screamed. He told me their mom was cooking everything in the house as if nothing was wrong. Dad had left hours ago and hadn't been back yet. And Christina was in the living room staring blankly at the tv with Samantha curled up beside her. It seemed the only one who showed any emotion was Tyler. He said mom was gonna make the call but he opted to do it for her.

We talked for a few more minutes before he let me go. I told him I was gonna catch the first flight out but he told me to stay. He said I shouldn't miss work and there was nothing I could do anyway. He said we would all just have to wait. This is the part I hated: the waiting. But then after the waiting came the relief. So I guess the waiting wasn't so bad after all.

My mom called that night too. She said she was going to be staying at the Smith house to help out with everything. And dad was going to help too. She told me Tyler refused, of course, but my stubborn mother found her way in. She said Anne was her best friend and she would be there to support her and Jack and the kids no matter what. Just like they did for us.

She also said she's sorry about Jared. My mother was the one person who knew about my feelings for him. Not that I told her, but she's a mom so she picks up on these things. Just like when my sister, Melissa, had her first boyfriend that she so desperately tried to hide and mom invites him over for dinner. The look on Melissa's face was priceless. When she asked mom how she knew she said "Mothers know these things." Even still, I was shocked when she asked me how I felt when Jared proposed to Christina. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of lying to myself, so imagine how I felt when she told me it was obvious. She said all the little looks gave it away. But honestly it felt good to not have this secret to myself anymore.

I told her I was fine and that I was going to fly out. She, like Tyler, refused and said she has it all under control. She told me to get some sleep because she knew it was late over here. With a goodnight she was gone, and I was left alone in my flat with my thoughts. My thoughts of the one I truly loved, how he was gone, and how I would never see him again.