I had knocked three times, and still nothing, "Kal?" my voice echoed down the hallway, "I'm coming in." Despite moving out three years ago, I still had the keys. But, the apartment was a far cry from when I lived there or came to visit. The couch, the coffee table, even the lamps were gone, and in their place were piles of spent beercans and stained takeout boxes. Had Lisa upended the garbage cans when she left?
"Kal?" still no answer, and the rocks in my stomach grew heavier. We weren't as close as we used to be. Hell, I'd heard about the break up from someone else. But it had been a week since anyone had heard from him, and I wasn't about to leave him like... this.
"Kal?" his bedroom door was open, but the room was empty. A pile of dusty clothes and plastic bins where the bed used to be. I turned down the hall back to my old room, the smaller of the pair, the door was closed. His car was parked out front. I took a nervous breath. Shit, was I going to have to call the police?
I sighed with relief to find Kal laying on the rickety twin bed I'd left behind, curled into a fetal position. Bloodshot eyes very much open, and still very much breathing.
"Kal?" I repeated, touching his shoulder when he didn't answer. He flinched, and turned to look up at me.
"Emre?"
I nodded, "Hey man, people were worried about you so I decided to check in."
"How did..." his voice was rough and he seemed to lack the will to even finish the sentence.
I gave my keys a jingle before crouching down to meet him eye to eye, "When was the last time you left the apartment?"
"Not since," he squeezed his eyes shut, and took a slow uneven breath, he opened his mouth again to keep going, but nothing came out.
"OK, well I'm here," shit. Now what? "Let me go get some water for you."
I fled the room and returned with the faded superman mug I'd given him one Christmas. Despite the occasional joke about his parents' nerdy name choice, it never bothered him. Maybe he even enjoyed it a little. Being 6'5'' and having shoulders wider than a Kansas cornfield probably didn't hurt either.
I pushed the mug toward him, and after no movement I grumbled, "OK, either you take the mug or I am pouring it down your throat like I did on John's twenty second birthday.
He coughed softly before pulling himself up to take the mug. The poor faded tshirt he wore had torn on the seams trying to accommodate his biceps. The ratty looking boxers he was wearing were even worse. I let him sip it in silence.
"Fuck," I coughed, at the sudden wave of smell. It was like I had jumped into his gym bag, "When was the last time you changed... or showered? You are ripe!"
His lips quirked, a few steps shy of a smile, but it was something, he shrugged.
"Uh uh," I said, shaking my finger like an elderly aunt, "stand up."
He did, and I was suddenly reminded of how tight that shirt was, and that those boxers had a hole in them that show patches of skin I was NOT going to look at, "Go take a rinse. Soap if you can manage."
He seemed to ponder it, before nodding and walking away. I sighed. This was worse than 'hung over Kal.' I needed to get him talking. As soon as I heard the shower run, I changed the sheets on the bed. It was a twin, so Lisa hadn't taken that along with everything else, and I refilled the water.
I was just restuffing pillows into mismatched cases when Kal returned, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer-briefs (in better condition this time), and collapsed back on the bed. He looked at me for a moment, before turning on his side and facing away from me.
I sighed, and squeezed into the bed behind him, "Kal," I said to a mass of wet blond hair, "You need to get up."
"I got up."
"You showered."
"Yup."
"May we can do something more, like put on clothes?"
"No," he grumbled.
"What about eating?"
"Not hungry."
I rolled my eyes, "Ok, well what about-oh Goddamnit!" I yelped, yanking my hand back from his shoulder, "Did you dry off at all?"
There was a snort, "Only found an hand towel."
"Well there goes having clean dry sheets."
"You didn't have to."
"Change the sheets? They smelled like summer ass."
Another snort, his voice was quieter this time, "You didn't have to come."
"Yes," I said, ignoring the wet hand as I gave his shoulder a squeeze, "I did."
The effect was immediate, the curled hunch of his shoulders relaxed, and the muscles on his neck unclenched. I pulled my arm further around him, and gave him a squeeze, soaking my tshirt in the process. Kal sighed and let some his weight rest against me as he rolled into my arms.
"Thanks."
"Any time man."
I held him like that for a while, and I felt his breathing slow. For a moment I thought he was nodding off, but he spoke up again, "I don't know what to do."
"Well you could start by getting out of my old bed. How long have you been here?"
"I've been sleeping in here for the last two months."
"That... must have been hard."
"It should have been. But--"
"No I mean, you barely fit on this damn bed. Scoot over."
Another amused snort, and he shifted his back to give me more space. I struggled to get my arm under his head but he kept nearly crushing it as he shifted his shoulders. "Sorry," he said turning around to face me, and I was rewarded with a sheepish smile, "I'm not really good at being the little spoon."
"Well take that up with your parents and their genes, you damn ox," I said giving him a little shove before lifting my arms to accommodate him.
Another smile, and barely noticing the shift, my head was resting on his bicep, and I was looking at him face to face. Kal had his other arm around me. One of my arms was hovering over his side and the other was wedged against his chest. After a quizzical look from Kal, I let my arm drop onto his side.
"Better?" he asked.
"I mean, I'm definitely soaked now. But, at least its a little less awkward. You weren't much of a cuddler when I lived here."
He seemed to deflate a little, "Yeah... I didn't realize how much I loved it until I had it. But then..." his eyes drifted again. Shit.
"Well, if you don't mind the stubble," I said, nodding my chin for effect, "I won't turn it down."
His arms pressed into my back, and I let him pull me forward into his chest. The stubble on his pecs pricked my nose, and I was reminded that Lisa used to make him shave. Fucking shame, I always enjoy the blonde curly fuzz. Even though he was he was wet, he was so warm, and I shut my eyes, just taking in the feeling of him. I couldn't smell any soap on him, just the clean smell of him. And it was good. Oh this felt really good.
Oh no.
We held each other for a few minutes, and his breathing slowed. Growing erection aside, I was halfway to falling asleep when Kal gave a nearly silent shudder. I began to feel hot tears on my neck.
"Kal?"
He sniffled, and gave me a squeeze. I squeezed back. I let his tears turn to sobs, and held on as he wept. Trying hard not to do the same.
Eventually I felt him take the deep breaths trying to regain control, and I pulled away to look at his tear stained face. He looked away, unable to meet my gaze, until I reached up and put a thumb on his cheek. God, I wanted to kiss that cheek.
"Hey," I kept my voice soft.
Another long sniff, "I'm sorry man, I just haven't held someone in so damn long. Jesus. I needed this. I just..." he took a long shuddering breath, "am I unlovable?"
The question was a mule kick to the chest, "Oh honey, that is fucking bullshit. I don't know where that came from, but no, you are plenty fucking lovable."
"Then, am I just unattractive?"
"The fuck? Oh come on, now you're just fishing for complements. Of course you're fucking attractive."
He chuckled through his tears, before looking distant, "Lisa stopped... Lisa wouldn't... it had been weeks since we even kissed. When I found out she was seeing other guys... I just... I wasn't worth..." he took steadying breaths.
