CHAPTER 17: DEFINING MOMENTS
Cameron stood there peering at us with a growing bulge in his jeans. Ryan and I were naked and covered in sweat. It was obvious what we had done and what we intended to do again. I once told myself that if I had met Cameron first, things would have been different, but I knew that wasn't true. No matter which brother I would have met first, I was destined to fall in love with both of them.
"Marcus?" Cameron said my name with a softness that intrigued me a bit.
"I can't run from it anymore. I want you both. I love you both, Cam." I stood firm on it. Any sign of weakness would have given them a reason to have doubt.
Cameron looked at his brother, "Ry?"
"Who are we fooling, Cam? I love you both. You and I have already crossed every line possible, and I want to keep crossing them with all of us together," he said as he took my hand and kissed it.
Cameron turned up his nose. "So that's it? You two have decided that we're sharing, and I have no say in that."
Ryan defended our position, "No. You get a say."
With a grunt, he asked, "How would this even work? I'm a total top, and I don't like sharing what's mine."
"Well, that's easy. I'm not just yours. I belong to both of you, and you both belong to me. Also, we want you to stay a top. We're vers. We can take care of each other."
I exchanged a knowing glance with Ryan. He smiled at me. His eyes were filled with hope and gratitude. I think he was scared that I'd look at Cameron and forget all about him and what we talked about. No, I was sure of what I wanted more than anything in the world.
Ryan pleaded our case, "Cameron, you and I both know that you have feelings for me as well. The way you fucked me that day in the barn and later on that night told me. You're afraid, and that's understandable, but you don't have to be with us. We love you."
Cameron groaned, "It's wrong, Ry. No matter how good it felt. We're brothers."
I walked over and stood directly in front of Cameron. I made him look me directly in the eyes. He needed to see my soul so he could understand my intentions. This wasn't about me having it all--though one could argue that I wanted it all. This was about me seeing that we were all connected by a bond stronger than anything outside of us. This was about us being the thing to heal all of our past traumas.
"Cameron, it's all three of us or none of us. I'll walk away, and maybe one day you and Ryan will give into your passion again, but I won't be around. I won't wait for you. I can't make that promise, but what I can promise you is that if we take this step together, we will all be there for each other equally. We will fight together. Make up together. Love together. We have all been alone in some way long enough. Let's love each other the way we've always dreamed of being loved. You deserve it, Cameron. You deserve to be worshiped, respected, adored, and celebrated. We all do, and who better to do it than the two guys who love you for who you are."
"Damn it, Marcus," he shouted. "Why do I have to love you so much? Why do I always let you get in my head and guide me like this?"
"Because you know I only want what's best for you. I also think you know deep down inside that Ryan only wants what's best. There are years of hurt and competitiveness that has to be undone between the two of you. I want to help you both."
He closed his eyes and asked, "How?"
"Do you consent?" I asked. It was a callback to how things truly began between us.
He smiled, "I told you before not to tease me, Marcus, because I'll consent every time."
I placed my hand on his chest. His breathing slowed down, but his heart raced. His body temperature slowly rose. The heat flowing from his body danced with my calm demeanor. Sparks of electricity flowed between us. How could we not give in to the passion that burned between us?
I didn't have to say a word to Ryan. He immediately sensed the brewing passion and sexual tension. He quickly made his way over. He stood directly behind Cameron and began to massage his shoulders. I leaned forward and kissed Cameron very lightly on the lips. Ryan kissed his neck. His muscular body relaxed under our hands. Both our hands traveled down Cameron's body.
Ryan pleaded, "Let us take care of you, big brother."
I reached for his belt buckle. Cameron drew a deep and powerful breath. His cell phone began to ring. I didn't want the moment to be lost.
I encouraged him, "Let it ring. You're on our time now."
"And we don't want to share our time," Ryan agreed.
I undid his belt. I pulled on it, and as it slipped through the loop, I felt my excitement build. Ryan pulled Cameron's shirt off. He placed soft kisses on Cameron's back. The phone stopped ringing, and then instantly, it began to ring again. Ryan's phone also began to ring. We all stopped what we were doing and exchanged a fearful glance with one another.
**
Matthew Schuler's cover of "Hallelujah" played as the cherry oak-colored coffin was unloaded from the hearse. The rain fell from the sky with no end in sight. The sky was darkened by the clouds, and God was crying. My grandma always said that God was hurt when someone passed away. He cried with us because we wept. Funny, I would have thought that after all the things Gill had done, God wouldn't have wept. I guess that's why he's God and I'm not.
I walked between Cameron and Ryan. We marched almost silently up the hill to the final resting spot. My emotions for them ran high, and my love for them both ran deep. Standing there in the pouring rain, absorbing their hurt and pain, was worth it. They were and always would be worth it to me.
I didn't weep, but Cameron and Ryan's family wept. Just as it seemed they were past all the hurt and drama, death had come knocking. We thought for sure that Gill was going to make a full recovery, but life had other plans for the man.
The cemetery was full of friends who had come near and far to pay their respects. I stood in between the two men I loved as they both grieved the man who had raised them. Cameron's feelings were complicated, and Ryan's was simpler. Gill was his father. I took both their hands and squeezed them.
Faceless! That's how I felt. I felt like a faceless stranger in the crowd of people in the house. I understood the various ways grief worked and affected people. I wanted to be there for the brothers. It was my greatest wish to show them how, together, we could aim for the moon and land among the stars.
Every which way I turned, someone was pulling Ryan and Cameron in a different direction. My desire to be a support system clashed with my residual guilt for how things played out. I wasn't to blame for Gill's actions, but I was to blame for the affair I had with Cameron, and that affair played a role in their family drama. Sadly, at some point, I found myself sitting out back alone, staring up at the stars.
The sound of laughter and loud conversations when the door opened took my focus off the stars. Carol came and took a seat next to me. I stole a quick glance at her. She appeared to be operating almost robotic-like. Gill's sudden death didn't seem real. We were quiet for all of two minutes before she said something.
She sighed, "I couldn't stomach another joke or darling review of who Gill was. I feel guilty and ashamed. I wished him dead the night of the accident, and a few weeks later, another heart attack, and he's gone."
"He hurt you. You had no way of knowing he'd die so soon. No one knew that he stopped taking his heart medication. You can't blame yourself, Carol. No one can."
"I should have known it was coming. I buried his brother. Now, the two of them are reunited, and I'm alone, trying to pick up the pieces of all the lives shattered by Gill. What's worse is that I still love him, and I miss him so much. I don't know what's wrong with me."
As she said the words, I felt her eyes on me. I looked over at her. For a moment, I saw myself in her. She was a woman who just craved it all. She wanted love, joy, and ambiance, but most importantly, she wanted Gill and Will. Without either one of them, she was lost. Despite everything Gill had done, her heart still ached for her lovers.
"We can't help who we love in this world. You loved Gill, not his actions."
"Don't his actions make who he was?"
"Maybe. Not entirely. I'd like to think that I'm not every action I've ever taken. I think Gill never processed his love and grief for his brother. He suppressed it. That led him down a dark road. His behavior is inexcusable, nevertheless."
"I'm scared that Cameron and Ryan haven't exactly processed everything. Gill thought the two of them had feelings for each other. For a while, I thought it was crazy, but I heard them one night. I don't want you to get hurt, Marcus. I really do think you're a sweet young man."
I didn't have any words to say. There was something between the brothers. Cameron didn't want to admit it. Ryan was clear about his feelings. If they didn't work through it, they would eventually end up hurting me. As much as I hated to admit it, it was something that I knew was inevitable. Unprocessed grief could ruin anyone. I knew that firsthand.
**
It had been forty-eight hours since Gill's funeral. The downpour of rain hadn't stopped. I was no longer under the impression that God was crying over Gill. I think God was mourning the loss of all these potential great loves. Carol and Gill never hit their potential because Gill could never accept Will's death or his feelings for him. Cameron was not ready to truly make peace with his feelings for Ryan. That meant our relationship would never be great.
I couldn't sleep. My heart was aching, and my mind was running. I walked in the pouring rain around the property till I found myself at Cameron's little river hideaway. The raindrops hit the surface of the river like little pebbles.
"There you are," Cameron said as he placed his hand on my shoulder. "Why are you out here in the rain? You're getting soaked."
"A little rain to wash away my sins and misery," I said.
I quickly turned and looked at him. God, he was so beautiful. The rain had soaked him. He looked like a movie star waiting to confess his love on the big screen. It was still so surreal how fast I had fallen in love with him. His beautiful eyes tried to mask his pain, but I knew he was hurting over everything, and he needed time to figure it all out without my influence.
"Marcus, you know I love you."
"Don't say anything. I already know."
"I need to say it. I have to say it. I need time to figure out everything. I don't know why, but Gill dying just set off all these emotions inside of me, and then there's the stuff with Ryan I need to resolve," he said.
"I can give you some space. I'll be in school. I can fly out for Christmas." I tried to sound strong and supportive of his decision. I knew it was right, but it still hurt.
He grabbed my face with more strength than I would have liked and pulled me close. For a moment, our eyes lingered, and then he kissed me. His tongue slid into my mouth effortlessly, and my heart sank into his chest. I felt all my strength draining.
"Marcus, I need more than a little breather. I think we should break up," he said. He was trying to be strong.
"Oh," I said with a broken voice. "I...I understand. If that's what you think is best."
"What are you guys doing out here in the rain?" Ryan was standing behind us with his large umbrella.
