CHAPTER 16: THE WAY LOVE GOES
The sounds of Cameron and Marcus's sexual activities were proving to be a bit much for Ryan. He was trying to put on a brave face and be strong and selfless, but he was conflicted and hurt. Both the people he loved were busy loving each other, and he was left out.
He couldn't take the sounds anymore. He jumped out of bed and slipped on some clothes. He grabbed his keys and wallet and left the room. The sounds were worse in the hallway. It was like they were intentionally being louder, but he knew that wasn't the case. He was down the stairs and nearly out the door when he heard his dad call after him.
"No worse feeling than hearing someone you love loving someone else," Gill said from the darkness.
Ryan stopped in his tracks. He wanted to ignore Gill, but he couldn't. A major part of him blamed Gill for everything that was and had happened.
Ryan turned, "You know, if that was coming from anyone else, I'd feel better, but it coming from you just makes me want to put you on your ass. Respectfully!"
"You blame me for Marcus and Cameron's actions?" As he asked the question he appeared from the dark like some thief. He looked worse than when he talked to Marcus earlier.
"No," Ryan quietly shouted. "I blame you for Cameron's action. He met Marcus at that bar, and he flirted with him, but it wasn't until he realized that he was my boyfriend that he became more serious about his pursuit because you fostered this competitive environment between us. Cameron did what you raised him to do."
"You're right. You're standing up to your old man. You're defending yourself, and I couldn't be more proud of you, but you have to fight for what's yours. You want Marcus? Then go snatch him back." Gill yelled nearly every word.
Ryan gawked at him, "Are you serious? You're a got damn lunatic. Why are you even here still? We don't want you here. You ruined this family!"
Ryan stormed out of the house. Gill followed behind him. He was not done talking. Ryan was his baby boy, and he did indeed love him. He wanted him to always win in life. Was he going about it the wrong way? Yes, but his intentions and heart were in the right place.
"You get back here," Gill called out.
"Piss off, old man," Ryan shouted.
Ryan unlocked the car and got in. Gill jumped in before Ryan could drive off. Gill being there only angered Ryan more. He just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn't his dad just respect that? He wondered.
"Will you get out!" Ryan yelled.
"No! You're my son. I fucked up a lot, but I'm not gonna let you be alone and sad. If you want to drive around, drive around, but I'm going to be here the entire time." He was adamant about sticking close to his son. "Please, son! Let me just sit here so you're not alone."
Ryan wanted to protest more, but he just gave up and drove off. The drive was quiet. For ten miles, they rode in silence. Then Gill started to have a tingling sensation in his arm that began to turn into a throbbing pain.
"Ryan," he barely muttered.
Ryan glanced over at him. He did a double-take because he could tell something was wrong. Gill clenched his left arm. His chest felt like it was tightening and on the verge of exploding.
"Dad," Ryan panicked. "Dad, what's wrong?"
"I think I'm having a heart attack," Gill said as he slumped over.
"Dad!" He yelled as he took his eyes off the road for a moment. He reached over to touch his dad. The car drifted over into another lane.
The bright, blinding headlights of the oncoming car grabbed Ryan's attention. He was going to collide with the other car head-on. Ryan quickly swerved to avoid a crash. His car went off the side of the road and hit a tree. The airbags deployed, and all that could be heard was the constant sound of the horn blowing from his wrecked car.
**
The ride to the hospital was the longest and most daunting thing ever. I had clearly been through some traumatic things in my life before. Seeing Ryan's ID covered in blood reminded me of the pain and devastation I felt when Benito killed himself in front of me.
Cameron's sniffles brought me back out of my own pasture of hurt and back to the present. He was focused on the drive, but tears were flowing from his eyes. I placed my hand on his thigh in a comforting manner. I wanted to reassure him as best I could that he wasn't alone.
The entire family gathered in the waiting room. I faded into the background as the family hugged and cried on each other. Other people from the town showed up, one of those people being Tanner. My heart felt heavy, and memories of Benito started to play in my mind.
It felt like we had been waiting forever. The entire time, I sat there feeling like I wasn't even in my own skin. Everything was happening around me, but I wasn't there. I was in my head thinking about Ryan and Benito. I was comparing them and trying to figure out why I did what I did to them. The doctor came out to speak with the family. I had watched enough television to know that he was about to give some sort of painful news.
Eric was the first one to jump and speak, "Doctor, how's my brother? How's Ryan?"
He answered, "Ryan is going to be fine. He's very lucky. He's walking away with a few bumps and bruises."
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. My heart leaped, but I didn't allow myself to get too happy. I knew better, but I waited for him to reveal what I already knew. Then Carol spoke. I had almost forgotten that this wasn't the first husband she had lost.
She said, "It's okay, doctor, you can say it. Gill's dead, right? That look isn't all good news."
"Mom, don't say that," her daughter snapped at her.
"Your husband suffered a heart attack. He's alive, but he has a long road ahead of him. It was your son's quick action following the collision that saved his life."
"He didn't die," she said as she began to weep hysterically.
I saw Ryan before anyone. He walked out the back through those two enormous wooden doors, and my heart leaped. He looked lost and sad. My soul was overcome with a flood of emotions. I couldn't decipher any of them; they were all confusing to me.
"Ryan," I screamed out.
When he saw me, his eyes lit up. I gave him the biggest hug I had ever given anyone. I don't know why, but for some reason, I sobbed. The moment he wrapped his arms around me, I lost it. I was like a hysterical clown.
"I'm okay. It's gonna take more than a car crash for you to get rid of me," he said with a cheery demeanor.
I couldn't explain why I was crying. Ryan was alive and well, so I shouldn't have been a mess, but I was. Some type of vortex had opened in my heart and soul, and it was like a dam overflowing. Maybe it was the thought of nearly losing Ryan. What I do know is that I couldn't stop.
Another set of arms wrapped around us. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was Cameron. I could feel his heart beating on my back. I knew his heartbeat and his scent.
"I'm glad you're okay, little brother," he said.
"Thanks, Cam!"
We all broke free. I dried my eyes. I was going to say something else, but before I could, Tanner threw his arms around Ryan. He kissed him, and I wanted to vomit at the sight of it.
"I thought I lost you, Bud."
Ryan smiled, and Tanner pulled him in for another hug. During their hug, Ryan's eyes found mine, and we stared at one another. I didn't want to leave him, and it was confusing the fuck out of me because I knew I loved Cameron just as much.
THREE DAYS LATER
The kitchen was quiet. The family was gathered around the table, eating breakfast. I was seated next to Cameron, and Ryan was across from me. I spent the morning trying to avoid looking at him. I had spent the last three days avoiding him.
I could feel Ryan staring at me. I looked up and caught his gaze. I quickly looked away. Cameron placed his hand on my thigh. I looked at him, and he gave me a weak smile before cutting his eyes at Ryan. He didn't give him a mean look. It was one of deep understanding.
"I need to make a phone call home," I said as I got up from the table.
Something was wrong with me. I couldn't find my happiness. I thought I'd be happy now that I was with Cameron. Something was amiss, and I couldn't figure it out. I went into Cameron's bedroom and closed the door. I pulled out my phone and FaceTime, my grandmother. She had more wisdom than anyone I knew.
When she answered, a sense of peace and calmness washed over me. She was such a force of nature and a light in our family.
"Snoop, what's wrong with you? You look sad," she said with that intuition that I loved about her.
"Grandma, I hate when you call me that," I complained but secretly loved it.
"Well, that's your name. What's wrong with you, and don't you lie to me?" To be nearly eighty years old, she still had the sass of someone twenty years of age, and I loved that about her.
"Nothing," I lied. She knew I was lying. She could read anyone well.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You can fool some people some of the time but you can't fool me no time. I know some wrong. I can see it in your eyes."
"I don't know what's wrong. I thought I'd be happy. I'm in love with two people. Two brothers."
"Brothers!" She couldn't believe her ears. "You givin' a whole new meaning to keeping it in the family." She ended her statement with a laugh.
"Oh my God! I'm horrible. Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I just be happy with the one?"
"People have been in love with more than one person since the beginning of time. You can't help who you love. You can thou help how you treat them. You don't want them to be in the dark about your feelings and intentions. Be honest about your feelings."
"People are gonna judge me and hate me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've hurt people in love before."
"People gonna hurt regardless. Just like people will judge us till the day we die, and even when you die, someone will judge you for not dying the right way. All that matters is that you lived a life you were happy with and pleasing to God."
I signed, "God is not pleased with me. I'm going to hell no matter what."
"Why because you gay? If that's true, then you should party and do what the hell you wanna do then. Don't let fear keep you from doing what you want. Close your eyes and picture your future. If you could have everything you ever wanted, which brother would you want to share all of that with?"
"I already know the answer."
