Behind the Scenes

Author's note:

A hiatus if ever I saw one. My professors at university would strangle me if I'd done this to them. I realise and understand that many of you might very well have felt the exact same way about me, which is why I'm so glad this website allows me to remain anonymous. Long story short: I underestimated the effects the second lockdown here in the Netherlands would have on me and that added to my internal discussions about how to slide into phase 2 of this story. Luckily, with the common sense-rate finally increasing, and vaccines being available for anyone who wants them, things here will be mostly fear, regulation and restriction-free by the time July rolls around. ''Normal'' life will start again.

This whole story has been developing in my head for months, long before I even wrote the first chapter and I wanted to establish a few things before entering into the greater plotline. Connor and Leo are in for it, as you will begin to see in this new chapter.

Enjoy :)

Connor's POV:

Warm, safe, satisfied, content and... happy?

I'd always had my doubts about whether the average human being would ever get the chance to feel like that. I sure as hell didn't expect that despite all the good things in my life, I would ever get to feel all five of those emotions. Let alone at the same time. And right then, wrapped up in Leo's arms, our legs intertwined, his soft, silent breath blowing on my forehead and a faint morning sun glowing out from under the curtains onto the floor, I

did

feel them.

Careless, without a single worry on my mind. The only thoughts I had were of the guy lying next to me. His warm, soft skin rubbing gently against my own as I shifted a little to be able to admire him better. His arm fell off of my waist as I leaned on my elbow and within a fraction of a second, like an instinct his arm wrapped around me and pulled me in again.

Suddenly the panicked thought that this must all be a stupid dream entered my mind as I looked at him, and I extinguished it quickly by pressing my lips softly to his. Because it wasn't a dream at all. It was

real

.

Leo and I had spent the night together in a hotel in

London

. We had fallen asleep in each other's arms after he'd completely blown my mind and exhausted me by making me feel a blissful as I ever will.

I mean

shit!

We didn't even actually fuck and he was still the best I've ever had.

'Best you ever had, hm? Good to know.' Leo's sexy, groggy, morning voice whispered. I sat up in surprise and looked at him. He grinned back at me. 'You said that last part out loud,

darling

.' He cooed. I swatted him across his ass, after which he growled playfully in response. I couldn't help but chuckle. I pulled the covers up again and laid back onto the soft, warm mattress. Leo shifted and put one arm and one leg around me, clinging on like a Koala and kissing my cheek.

'I do appreciate the flattery.' He breathed softly into my ear. If I hadn't been so comfortable and snuggly I would have shivered. It was embarrassing, the way he was able to make me burn with lust one minute, and then be a cute goofball the next.

'Did you sleep well?' I decided to ask him. I felt energetic and excited now that all our cards were on the table and I didn't need to pretend anymore. I wanted to go out and explore the city with Leo, to drive the car, to look at him as

he

sexily drives the car... To have lots, and lots of awesome non-penetrative sex until he gets his test result and we could have even more awesome, definitely penetrative sex. I wondered whether he'd done anything anal before. He'd sure come across as confident and experienced the night before, judging by the amount of jizz I'd jizzed. Even

I

was surprised by

that.

The thought that something was wrong with my dick had even crossed my mind in the moments after.

'

Uhnn

... slept like shit actually.' Oh right, I'd asked him something to keep him from falling asleep. Wait.

'Slept like shit?' I looked at his cute face, half obscured by the pillow he was resting his head on. His eyes were closed.

'Yea-

ahhh

.. yes.' He yawned. 'Yes, you kept clinging onto me like some needy child or something. Annoying.'

I felt a pang in my chest. I awkwardly tried to wave it off. And failed. 'Oh.. well... I didn't uh, didn't know you hated that. Cuddling and stuff.. Sorry.'

I should have known. Knowing him I should have known. It took me about five more seconds of sulking before I looked at him and saw his gleeful eye and his sexy mouth curled into a grin.

'You're so precious, you know that?' He grabbed me around the waist and pulled my body flush against his. I felt myself physically relax at his touch. 'Really Conny, how could I pass

this

up?' And he squeezed me for emphasis. 'I honestly can't remember a night in my life that I slept this well, and woke up this happy.' He looked into my eyes, sincerely now. All my quick comebacks and witty comments falling from my mind.

'Me neither.' I placed a chaste kiss on his lips and wrapped my arms around him. Then I let go and jumped out of the bed, to the sweet sound of Leo's whining. Who's precious now?

'

Mmhn..

Stay here, I need more cuddles!' he yelled. I chuckled.

'Nope, no more for you. Now get your lazy tight ass out of bed, go get some clothes from your room and we'll go get some breakfast.' I told him whilst rummaging through my wardrobe and looking for some clean underwear.

'

I don't wanna.'

He imitated my accent. I picked up one of my socks from the night before off the ground and threw it at his face. I didn't hear a reaction and turned around to find that he hadn't moved an inch.

'Ew Leo! You freak, what's wrong with you?' I laughed. 'You into that or something?'

He pulled off my sock and threw it back. 'What? Are you kink-shaming me now?' He smirked. 'I think I might just be into

anything

when it comes to you,

darling

.'

I laughed. 'Oh, even if I-'

'No! Anything, but

that.

.. Wait, you

were

going to suggest puppy-play, right?' he asked, getting up lazily.

'No! Leo, what the hell?' I laughed, Leo really was a goofball. A sexy one.

'Good, then we're on the same page. Save for puppy-play, I'd let you do anything to me, and explore your wildest desires. Just so you know you'll never need anybody else anymore. I can fulfil whatever needs you tell yourself you have need of, darling.' And then he winked and bowed for effect. Idiot. I couldn't stop smiling.

'You're ridiculous.' I said, finally having found some clean briefs and pulling them on. Leo snorted.

'Ridiculously

lucky

, yes.' He made his way over to me, pulled my briefs right down again and pressed his body to mine, grabbing my ass cheeks in his hands and giving me a kiss. 'To have you.' He smiled. 'I'll just be fifteen minutes. I'll grab a quick shower and put some clean clothes on, then come get you when I'm done, okay?'

'Perfect.' I grinned. A genuine one.

* * * * *

Leo's POV:

My head spinning with joy and still a fair amount of disbelief, I closed the door gingerly behind me on my way out of Connor's room. I had woken up not half an hour ago from the best night's sleep I'd had in a long time. And I only realised how much I'd needed that when I skipped back to my own room down the hall.

As I moved those few short meters and dug my hand into pocket to get out my key card, my mind floated into a replay of the events of the day before. How nervous I had felt about seeing Connor, how I tried to impress him with the car. How terrified and excited I'd been to go to dinner with him, and how those feelings made way to welcome the anger and disbelief that came when I misunderstood his Hollywood-esque dialogue of love for an insult to our friendship. Love. Was that what that was? I was not going to make an assumption like that. It could ruin everything but

fuck,

it was so easy to let myself get carried away. I had never felt anything that could even come close to what Connor had made me feel lately.

Definitely

not like last night.

But then,

''Shit really hit the fan'',

as Jeffrey would have said.

I had almost missed it, too.

If I had not slipped on it as I opened the door on autopilot, I may have never even noticed it lying right there on the floor.

Of course, I wasn't that lucky.

It took me less than a millisecond to realise it was not just an ordinary piece of paper. My voice faltered and stopped abruptly, mid-curse as I tried to gain my balance. My body tensed more than it had when Connor first hugged me yesterday. That terrible feeling of dread and fear, almost unfamiliar to my body, crawled up my legs all the way to the back of my neck. My fists clenched tightly and my eyes, despite my nystagmus, were more focussed than ever on those four numbers and one single letter written in black ink, cursive, on that small piece of paper on the floor of my hotel room.

Tears stung in my eyes as I started shaking slightly. I couldn't register whether it was fear, anger, hate, devastation or terror. I stumbled back three paces before my bed saved me from collapsing on the fourth. It took me five minutes to regain myself, to dispel the black spots dancing before my eyes and the severe pressure in my ears. Then, I slowly raised myself from the bed again and bend down to pick up the note. Maybe,

just

maybe, I had imagined it.

Like I said, not so lucky. So I straightened my back, hung back my shoulders, swallowed deeply and read once again:

"11:00 - M"

* * * * *

When I made my way back to Connor's room all my other emotions had made way for enormous anger and frustration at the situation.

Would it never end?

Breakfast with Connor wasn't going to be an option, it was already 9:30 and I couldn't possibly take the car where I was going. There was a chance that the message was a fake, in which case I needed to make absolutely certain that nothing could be traced back to Con, in any way shape or form. I thanked whatever higher power in the universe that made it so for the fact that we had separate hotel rooms and that whoever slipped that note under my door was most likely not aware of the fact that I hadn't spent the night there. As far as they knew, I was in London by myself. They must not have been able to track my person yesterday and opted for my flight information instead. From there they must have found out whether I was checked into any hotel nearby. I had deleted the many text messages and caller history records between me and Connor from my phone. All traces vanished and no strings attached. He was safe,

if

I would be able to convince him to stay in his room until I came back.

As I knocked on his door, I realised it may very well be last time we would see one another, though. I should have known that these few weeks and the night before had been a fantasy. A dream dreamet on rented time. I would never be able to live that life. It was stupid of me to even letting myself believe or even think that. If only I had managed to stay hidden in plain sight for a little longer, after shooting the film even, then I would have been a public figure and my place in society could have kept me out of any unsavoury hands. Protected by fame. It wasn't meant to be, it was my last plan and it wasn't going to work out. I'd been found before I had even started.

But in that moment, it wasn't about

me.

What was I going to tell him? If there was a chance that I wouldn't be able to come back, how could I let him wait for me? Granted, I had a feeling that the note came from whom I expected it to, it was written in that particular hand anyway. But I had been taught to always expect and prepare for the worst case scenario. So I had.

The moment Connor opened the door, looking all fresh and excited and ready to leave.. I had never felt more guilty or helpless in my life.

'Hey, you rea- wow.. Are we getting free breakfast at a local funeral service?' I should have laughed, that would have been the most natural way to react. I made it awkward and uncomfortable instead. Wearing a black overcoat, a dark pair of jeans and black boots. It might sound comically suspicious and James Bond-like, but during that time of year in London? Just another face in the crowd.

'Uhm, no Con, I'm sorry. I need to head out by myself. I just got a call from the clinic and they want me to pick up the test results asap.' I spoke clearly, looking into Connor's eyes both to convey how sorry I was that we couldn't go out after he had spent so much effort to look

that

irresistible, and also to make sure how serious I was. 'I'm really sorry, but hey it's for a good cause no?' I managed a strained grin.

'Oh, uh...'It looked like his surprise and disappointment outmatched his doubt. A sting in my chest, but I jumped at the opportunity to make my move and strike before he'd grow suspicious.

'Just wait for me here okay? It won't take long, I promise.' I tried to sound as nonchalant as I could, but I couldn't tell him "

I'll be back

" when I wasn't 100% sure I would be. 'Just stay here, can you do that for me?' He raised one eyebrow.

'Uh yeah, sure okay.' He mumbled. 'We'll get lunch and tour the city after and you can show me around.' Connor smiled, thank goodness because I didn't want to leave looking at his downtrodden face.

'Yes, great!' I said, then I grabbed him by the side of his face and pulled him in for a kiss. Maybe it was too hard and needy for a see you later-kiss, but I couldn't care less. After pecking his lips one last time I stepped back and winked at him as I made my way to the lift. 'Bye, Con.'

He crossed his arms and leaned his shoulder against the door post as he watched me push the button to open the lift. When I got in and pushed the button for the ground floor, Connor called out, 'Hey, Leo,' I stuck my head out to look at him and found him, head cocked to the side and one eyebrow raised, watching me.

'You'll tell me what's actually going on when you get back here, right?'

Before I could stop stammering and formulate a satisfying response, the doors closed on me and I was left speechless and baffled on my way down to the lobby.

Apparently, my acting skills left much to be desired where Connor was concerned.

* * * * *

When I stepped out of Blackfriars Underground station the sky above was grey and gloomy, a perfect reflection of the feeling in my stomach. Worried, but not frightened. Sad, but not helpless. Angry, but not violently furious. What was the use? It was inevitable anyway.

It was only a short walk from here to

"M"

, one of the fifteen meeting points we had established in London. The Millennium Bridge looked ever so iconic hanging over the river Thames, creaking slightly. It would have been a beautifully picturesque sight if I hadn't been so distracted. Even though it was rather quiet on the streets, there were still a handful of people on the bridge when I got to it.

Good.

That's good.

Witnesses meant that nothing very exciting was about to happen. Nonetheless I stuck my hand into the inside pocket of my coat, brushing my fingers against the handle of my expandable baton. I wasn't a fan of guns, they're a cowardly weapon and I wouldn't own one even for protection. Not my style, if it came to it I'd prefer hand-to-hand. Or in this case, hand to stick. If my gut feeling and logical mind were incorrect, and I wasn't going to be meeting who I thought I would, I knew any enemies of mine wanted me alive anyway. They'd already had plenty of opportunities to get rid of me.

As I was approaching the middle of the bridge I noticed a man coming towards me from the opposite side. He looked rather particular, rough and tough, a brown worn leather jacket and a stoic look in his eyes. Yet his arms were clutching an array of books, maps, office supplies and loose pieces of paper flattering in the wind. He was either the most uncharacteristic bookkeeper I had ever laid eyes on, or someone doing his upmost best to look like the most inconspicuous conspicuous person in London. My body tensed as we walked towards each other. You know that feeling you get when you're on a staircase or a narrow path and someone comes from the other side and you're trying to communicate to them who's going to make way for who. That feeling times thousand is what I felt right before the man almost dumped all of his belongings right on me. My body was on high alert, all my senses working overtime and getting ready to throw this man off the bridge if I had to.

'Take this.' The man's surprisingly calm and clear voice whispered as he nudged one of the fallen objects towards me with his foot.

Upon closer inspection I realised it was a black burner phone. Before I could say anything to him, the man had gathered everything and he took off hissing something out of the corner of his mouth as he went.

'Ten seconds.'

I was relieved. This was the usual way of communication. All the tension instantly left my body and a gush of air escaped my lungs.

9

Jesus, I wasn't used to that anymore.

8

Deep breath.

7

Why in god's name am I even here?

6

I'm so goddamn angry.

5

She promised she wouldn't contact me again.

4

She said it was all over and done with.

3

I was supposed to be free and live a normal life!

2

She

promised!

1

I answered the call on the first ring, no use in delaying the inevitable.

'Thank goodness... Jasper.'

The sound of her voice almost made me forget how livid I was. It had been almost four years, after all.

'Don't call me that.'

'I will not address my grandson by any other name.'

'Well, you're speaking with Leonard Hagens at the moment, dial 2 to travel back in time four years and speak to

Jasper,

if you must.'

'Oh, don't be a child Jas-...

Leonard

. What a lousy name, what were you thinking? I'm surprised Ulysses even accommodated you.'

Fucking hell, what the fuck were we doing? I didn't

want

to have a petty discussion like this. I didn't want

anything

to do with her anymore. I just wanted this conversation to end as quickly as possible and go on with my

life.

'

Ugh,

for

fuck's

sake just tell me what you want!' I almost bellowed, remembering I was supposed to be discreet, I continued in a quieter but still enraged voice, 'You promised me we were done! Do you have

any

idea how nervous and afraid I was to come here? After

four

years of radio-silence you just contact me the same

good old way

out of the blue? I'm carrying a damn

battle-stick

in my coat! I'm not even sure it's legal! You

promised!

' Suddenly, everything I'd felt and everything I had been uncertain and scared about these past four years flowed right out of my mouth.

'I mean, I wasn't even certain you were still alive! I'm sure you've been reading the papers as carefully as I have and they got

really

close a few months ago. And then, all of a sudden there was no sign of anything related to them in the media a few days later. As if they'd just

vanished

. I thought they... I thought they had gotten to you.' My voice, despite my efforts, cracked on the last syllable.

'... Of course they didn't... And either way, you know the protocol and-'

'

Yes!

Yes, I know the damn protocol but

what the fuck!

How could I be 100% sure? A heads up, that's all, one small heads up. A note,

anything

would that have been too much to ask for?'

It was quiet on the other end of the line for a few moments. It gave me time to re-collect myself somewhat. To get my voice under control, steady my hands and heartrate and to actually, for the first time since finding the message on my doorstep that morning, think of why she

would

contact me after our agreement and the four silent years that had followed.