Behind the Scenes

Connor's POV:

Am I really in

this

deep?

It was never gonna happen so I should just get it out of my thick fucking head. Then again, I kinda think it's too late for that already.

I thought that I was catching some gay vibes from him in our conversations. But then he had to tell me about his past girlfriends and all my hope just deflated in an instant. Leaving me in nothing but complete and utter pointless desire.

Okay that sounds dramatic, but

shit

!

I fell for him

so

hard, I don't even know what this feeling is! I feel this need to be close to him, need to hold him and kiss him and cuddle with him. A magnet, that's what I feel like. With nothing to latch onto. Can this be what people talk about when they're really in love? It's all I can think about.

We'd only had contact online... for a week... God I was miserable.

Leonard.

Heh heh

, sometimes I almost forget that's actually his name.

Cute.

Like the way his face lights up when he tells a joke. Or when he's trying to drink from a straw without touching it with his hands and ends up reaching for it with his tongue until he stops trying and his cheeks go all red from embarrassment.

It's those little things about him that scare me the most. The fact that I've registered these small personal traits of his and already get attached to them makes me wonder if I could even refuse my feelings for him at all. What if I screw up on set and they end up pulling me from the movie?

Or worse, what if I manage to screw up for Leo? He would never forgive me. How could he? And he'd end up hating me for ruining his chance on a big break. I could never live with that.

I need to get him out of my head. It's never gonna happen so I have got to stop thinking about it, otherwise I'll just be stuck in it and end up ruining everything.

I need to start seeing him for what he is, not what I so desperately want him to be. Even if there is the slimmest possibility that he might have a thing for me too, work comes first. The friendship we have right now is a big part of that.

All of this. All of these distracting conflictions. And all of the pent up emotions. All of these thoughts and feelings that I so desperately need some sort of outlet for.

And still I didn't say a word about it all to Caytlin.

I don't know what came over me, I guess I had some sort of idiotic black-out. But the conversation I had prepared to have with her was a very long way from the one that actually took place. I remember having spewed out a lot of bullshit about being stressed from work, confused about '

maybe'

being '

bicurious'

and how it all weighed on our relationship.

Caytlin mainly listened to me rambling on about it all.

Then she cried. A lot.

Then she screamed.

And then she cried again.

I was almost afraid that she was going to forgive me and suggest that we start over and make things right between us. Luckily, that wasn't the case.

We agreed, sort of, that she could tell everyone that she broke up with me, I was to be the

dumped

boyfriend who apparently couldn't hold down the perfect Queen Bee of LA. And that was that.

No doubt she would enjoy the upcoming tide wave of hopeless Casanovas who's souls were just meant to be hers to take, play with and rip apart. Not my problem anymore.

A small weight lifted from my shoulders. Considering I had my own mob of crazy, lovesick and overly devoted fangirls to worry about. My phone would undoubtedly crash under the strain of millions of girls, and probably some guys, who would want to comfort the heartbroken famous boy with a good rebound-session.

As if on cue, my phone started buzzing again on the small diner table. I sighed, exasparated and stared out of the window. People passing by, strolling along the sidewalk minding their own daily business. I sometimes wonder if life would have been better that way.

The normal way.

'Just mute the fuckin' thing already man. That phone has made more sounds than you have the past two hours.'

I turned my gaze to a young Denzel Washington sitting in front of me. His buzz-cut was hidden under a bright red New York Yankees cap, fitting well with the rest of his clothes which were all different brands and colors. An outfit only a black guy could pull off and not make it look like the third stage of a midlife-crisis. Add to that an array of tattoo's on both his arms and a small silver earring in his left ear, and there he was.

Ayden.

Of course, Caytlin had told him not two seconds after we'd broken up.

My best friend, or at least he used to be. I'm not sure wether he still is, he has every reason not to want to be my friend at all anymore, and I can't blame him if he wants me to leave. For all the times my friends had reached out to me, I'd had an excuse. They were legit excuses, but I could have definitely put a few of those "important" things aside for them.

Nevertheless, the past two hours Ayden and I have been talking back and forth like old times. It has been way too long since I last saw him. Almost a year, unlike the rest of my friends who I haven't talked to for a year or longer.

It's weird. In a way, it's like Caytlin actually tried to help me. I just

need

someone to fall back on in this situation, and I was sure that Ayden was the only one who wouldn't turn me down. Even after such a long time. And Cay made sure that we were sitting in front of each other right now.

'You know C, I ain't got no idea why you just jumped out on all of us all of a sudden. You just bailed on us from the moment your career started to get some spice and now you come crawling back home.' He paused, looking unsure of what he would say next.

Then a look of confusion came over his face.

'I just don't get it. And what I get even less is that

Caytlin

, of all people, is the person that set this up. I appreciate the fact that she thinks you trust me enough to talk to about all this, but where's your own input?! I mean, I feel like I'm doing you a favor and I don't know if I feel like doing anything for you right now. You ditched me!'

It was true. I'd ditched him. And I felt like a complete asshole for doing that. But what can I do now? To make it right? Can that even happen at all? We'd been talking about all sort of stuff for two hours, and I had been silently hoping that this wouldn't come up, or that we would brush past it. But I had to face the consequences of neglecting my friends.

I thought for a minute or two. I could feel Aydens gaze burning into my eyes as I stared at my hands, clamped together on the table.

'Look, Ayden. I've let all of you down. Most importantly you and I'm really sorry for that. A lot of stuff has been going on, not just work or Caytlin. In hindsight I shouldn't have kept you from it, you are the person I should have trusted enough to tell everything that's been bothering me! I'm really sorry.' I didn't dare to look him in the eye so I kept my gaze firmly on my hands. 'I can't ask this of you, or of the others, but I could really use your help cause I'm stuck. Really stuck and I don't know what to do. I feel like a dick for crawling back to you after what I did. I'm a complete fucking asshole that doesn't deserve any friends at all.'

It was quiet for what seemed like hours. My hands kept twitching and turning and I couldn't really control my breaths. I had no idea what Ayden was thinking. I was prepared for a punch in the face when he finally spoke.

'As long as you remember that you're a complete asshole that doesn't deserve any friends, bro.' I looked up at his smirking face and I felt my own light up like the sun. If it wasn't for Leo I wouldn't have even remembered what this feeling was. I started to stand up to hug him.

'Think very carefully about your next move C. I'm still not a hugger. Nothing has changed.' Ayden told me firmly, but with a grin. I couldn't help returning the same expression.

'I don't know what to say Ayden. Thanks man. For being here and for being you.' I told him, and I meant it.

'Now don't get all happy and sentimental bro, you got more problems to take care of.' Ayden leant back in his booth and crossed his arms, one of his eyebrows nearly disappeared under his cap.

I was taken aback a little, what did he mean? Did he know about-?

'Don't look at me like that. Did you think Cay wouldn't tell me the whole story before trying to convince me to talk to you?' He looked at me as if I was plain stupid. But he couldn't be talking about Leo right? I mean, Caytlin and I hadn't spoken a word about that, or about me being gay. We'd both completely avoided the subject of me... playing with myself. And for a good reason!

'Look, I'm sorry but you and Caytlin were obviously never going to last. We all knew that. But what I

didn't

expect was that you would break up with Cay cuz' you got a crush on a dude!' Ayden said loudly.

'Shush! You ass! Keep it down, would you?' I whisper-yelled at him. 'How the fuck do you even know?' Ayden had leaned in after I told him to keep it down, we were face to face now and I looked up at his dumbfounded expression.

'How do I know? What the fuck do you mean

"how do you know?".

' He exclaimed. 'Aside from the fact that Cay told me that you.. did some... exploring not 24 hours ago. It's written in the damn stars man! I mean, how can you even be surprised?' Ayden looked at me as if I'd just found out I have two legs. 'Do you mean to tell me you've known you're gay for as long as we all did? And you didn't tell us?' Ayden was mixture of astonished and really annoyed.

'I mean,

fuck!

If I'd known

you knew

you would go around kickin' it for the other team... I probably would have kept Isaac a secret to all of you!' He exclaimed.

Isaac was a past boyfriend of Ayden. What did he have to do with this? 'What? Why would you've done that?' I asked.

Ayden looked at me uncomfortably as he shifted around on his chair. It took me a moment to catch on... but surely he doesn't... it's Ayden, he can't...

'D-Do.. Do y-you like me?' I asked, a little scared. For a moment he stared at me blankly. Then suddenly his expression changed into one I couldn't really put my finger on. It was a mixture of "what the fuck?" And "you wish!"

'You've got to be shittin' me! Not everybody wants a piece of yo ass, you self-centered son of a bitch! As hard as that may be to believe... but Isaac did. He told me when we broke up.' He said in a thick accent. It would shine through when he was more emotional.

'Oh... I didn't know that.' I said quietly looking down at my hands. For some reason I was embarrassed by this.

After a short awkward silence, Ayden spoke up again, 'Don't worry man, that's not why we broke up. We're cool, you and I.' I sighed in relief. For more reasons than one. The most important one being that Ayden is a

big

guy. And by big I mean he looked like he could take on Dwayne Johnson and John Cena at the same fucking time.

Okay maybe not, but the guy is enormous. His muscles were so big that I was a little scared of him sometimes. He smiled at me again.

'So, tell me about him then. What's he like? Does he like you back?'

My mind immediately wandered back to a conversation I'd had with Leo yesterday. And

finally,

I had someone to tell all my feelings to, so I gratefully and enthousiastically started spewing.

There had been this small moment yesterday in which I had taken the teasing a little bit too far durning a skype-session with Leo. He'd almost caught on to the fact that I'm starting to fall in love with him, I think. (No point in denying it anymore, how stupid and teenage drama-ish it may be. I like him. A lot.)

I had noticed him staring at my chest a little

too

long. I had made preperations 'cause I knew he was going to call me via Skype. So I made sure that I looked my best.

Which is shirtless...

What?

Although it was very risky, I took a shower right before he called and put on my grey sweatpants shorts. And only that. So my hair looked hot and wet and my muscles were on display as I put the laptop at the end of my bed inbetween my feet, and layed back against the headboard looking at the screen.

I remember the filter between my brain and mouth failing miserably when he turned on his camera and I said, 'Hey handsome, I just took a shower to get good and ready for you.'

That was probably the most stressful moment of my entire life. I wanted to sink into my bed, through the floor, into the living room, down through the crust of the Earth straight into the fiery flames of hell. My face flushed and I looked like a sunburned tomato as I stifled some uncomfortable chuckles.

Leo, to my surprise went just as red as me, coughing out a funny comeback.

The rest of the conversation was mainly me not trying to stare at his abs too much. Because of course, he was about to get ready for a party or something, so he was shirtless as well. And let me tell you, insane.

Leo is a complete adonis. His arms, shoulders, chest, back... and

god

his abs. His skin looks so smooth, and he's got a nice suntan. And then there's his legs. His playing football and running definitely pays off. He's just perfect. What I wouldn't give to just run my tongue all over that amazing body.

The only thing I have never been able to sneak a glance at is his bulge or his ass. But my imagination handled that very well. He already saw my ass once, but that was an accident. I hadn't realized that my camera was already on that time.

A rubber bullet crashing into my forehead swung me back into the here and now. When I looked up I realised it was just Ayden who had snapped his middle finger at my head.

'Okay man, I get the picture. He's a god and you want to worship his body with your tongue.'

I looked at his smirking, devious expression as he admired the utter shock on my face.

'What in god's name was that for?'

'That was for stopping you from writing the script to your own damn porn movie when I'm sitting here in front of you getting a hard on in the middle of my aunt's diner.' He scowled. 'He can't be

that

hot Con, seriously. Ain't nobody

that

hot.'

'Yeah, that's him.' I said dreamily looking out the window with my chin resting on my hands, as my feet swung back and forth under the table.

Ayden laughed my theatrics and I started to laugh with him, and it stuck between us. We continued laughing together. I hadn't laughed this much in... well, I'd say a year, but Leo made me laugh yesterday so it wouldn't be true. Although laughing with your oldest friend is way different than laughing with your best friend. We laughed for like five minutes straight before I asked, 'Wh-What's... What's s-so funny?' I tried to compose myself, people were staring. At my familiar face.

Ayden put a hand in front of his mouth to get it together, then he said, 'J-just, that I-I... I never, never noticed before man!' He laughed.

'Noticed what?' I said amused as I regained my composure. He stared at me, smiling.

'That you're

this

gay, dude!' He smacked my shoulder. I grinned, sort of happy... maybe even proud of myself. Although I was curious, so I asked him the question that had been clawing at my mind for some time now.

'Is it obvious?' I asked.

'What?'

'That... that I'm gay?'

He studied me for a second. Then looked me straight in the eye.'To be honest man, yeah a little. I mean, me and the rest have suspected it for a while. I don't think other people have though. They'd have to know you.' I was surprised at this, Ayden noticed.

'Don't look at me like that! It's not a bad thing, Con. Besides, it's not that you're

extra

, or

super

flamboyant or something like RuPaul or Dame Edna or that shit. Being bi, I just sort of noticed you looking at guys the same way I look at 'em.' He said sincerely.

I never even realized I ever looked at other guys that much back then, I only started kissing guys after me and my friends sort of broke apart. To my knowledge Leo is the only one I ever really looked at. I felt kinda bad about his assumptions that I would find it offensive if I he thought I was stereotypical though. Something to clearify.

'Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind you thinking that I was extra or flamboyant. Nothing's wrong with that... It's just not me. I like guys, apparently, and that's it. I'm just scared that people will treat me differently if I come out. And I don't wanna change bacause of it. I've seen people come out of the closet and immediately turn ultra-gay or something. I don't want that.' I said, a little distressed.

Ayden looked at me with a comforting smile.'It's not something you want, man. It's something you are.' He said, with a tone implying he had just taught me life's greatest lesson. Which he actually may have. 'Look man, imagine being a guy that's secretly super gay and super ladylike, right? Afraid to show it for a long, long time. Then, finally he comes out of the closet after endless fighting with himself about wether he wants to embrace who he is, or spend his whole damn life pretending to be someone he's not.' Ayden sketched the situation for me. 'A guy like that goes all out when the closet finally opens. But that's not who

you

are. Everybody's different. Don't be afraid of what people will think of you when you come out, cuz' we already know you. Nothin' is is goin' to change that.'

This helped me a lot. What Ayden said made perfect sense and put everything in perspective for me. I wasn't going to change. I've always been like this. I've always been gay. So it makes no difference if the world knows. It won't change who I am.

After a long moment of me taking it all in, I said, 'Thank you A, really. This is the biggest help I've had in years.' I smiled at him thankfully and he smiled back.

'No worries man, that's what bros are for, right?' He fist bumped me, which hurt my wrist a little, and made it explode. I grinned the pain away.

'So gayboy, what are you gonna do now?' Ayden said with a smirk. I laughed a little, happy that I finally spilt my secret to someone.

'I guess I'm going to break open that closet and burst out' I said excitedly. Ayden grinned even wider.

'Amen brother!' Ayden yelled. 'Aaw man, I can't wait to see your dad's face once he realizes you like dick!' He laughed.

'Up yours, asshole!' I backfired playfully.

'Haha, you would know, fag!'

I could have never imagined it going so well. Coming out to everybody else now seems so much easier and simpler. Not even scary.

Except for, strangely, one person. I was still feeling uncertain about coming out to this one, and that sucked.

Leo.

--

Leo's POV:

'Leo! You're here!' I stumbled back onto the sidewalk when two arms wrapped around my neck.

The warmth that radiated from Greg was comforting as he hugged me close. It made me smile. After a moment or two I broke away from his embrace to take a good look at the guy who's been a friend to me ever since we started high school seven years ago. We were both 21 now.

'It's been way too long Greg... I've missed you.' I said softly as I gave him a once over. His brown wavy hair was styled neatly, it smelled like coconut. Just like I remembered. His green eyes glistened with joy as he gave me the same treatment.

'Damn, it really has man. You look fine as ever Leo. You been hitting the gym? Those arms are bigger than I remember.' He said as he touched my chest.

'And the pecs too, Jesus! Was puberty hiding from you over in the UK?' He teased.

'Fuck off.' I grinned at him. 'Speaking of puberty, it becomes you very nicely, sir.' His casual white shirt and black skinny jeans complimented his athletic figure well. 'You'll turn quite a few heads if we go out tonight. Breaking hearts all over the place, huh?'