Becoming Myself

Dear Readers,

This is the third installment of the series. The story is on a slow burn, so I hope you'll buckle in and take this ride with me. Oh, and this isn't a stand alone, so peek at the first chapters please. As always, comments are appreciated. Enjoy!

~M

The ringing of the phone weaved its way into the dream I was having involving me waking Jarred up with a sloppy blowjob. I groaned twofold or maybe threefold. I didn't want the dream to end, but then I'd been having similar dreams like these for weeks and I was exhausted from the strain of them. I also didn't want to speak to anyone right after waking up.

"Hello", I grouched into the phone, wincing at how husky my voice was, still laced with desire from the dream.

"Hey, buddy, how's the noggin going? How are you feeling?" said Jarred in that silky smooth voice of his. He sounded completely alert which made me even craggier.

I immediately felt the pull in my semi-hard organ, and then felt guilty. I was married for fuck's sake! I wished I could tell my subconscious that. It didn't seem to give a fuck how my life was in reality.

In the seconds that it took me to get my head cleared, I groaned long and hard, throwing my arm over my eyes as if the act could shut out the images.

"It's too early", I groused.

Jarred only chuckled, "I know I'm two hours ahead of you, but it's still ten a.m. your time." I popped an eye open and looked at the clock. Sure enough it was just after ten in the morning. God, I was becoming such a slob.

"What do you want?" He was still laughing. He couldn't have known that he was sending shivers down my body which seemed to race to and end at my cock.

"I have a proposition for you", he said. I had to bite my hand to stop my groan. It was just too fucking early for this. Part of my mind was aware that he couldn't have meant it the way that I took it. However my sleep-induced brain that was still in the dream somewhat, took it however the hell it wanted.

I searched frantically for something neutral to say, hoping that my voice didn't belie my feelings. "Go on", I said.

He still seemed really amused when he began speaking. "Well, I'm taking some time off and wondered if you wanted to get away. You've never visited and this might be a good time, before you decide to go back to work."

'YES', my body screamed. The feeling was immediate and a bit shocking.

"Uh sure, let me know when, and I'll get with Viv so we can make the arrangements." The thought of my wife was like a bucket of ice water being thrown on me. The guilt that I felt was astronomical. Jarred and I spoke for a few more minutes, ending the call with me laughing my head off. I loved that he had the balls to make fun of my amnesia. Most people danced around it like it was a big fucking taboo subject.

I got up trying to shake the grogginess that I still felt off. I knew that I had to talk to Viv, and I mean really talk. It didn't matter that I didn't remember my past; my future just didn't include a wife. I'd been playing this waiting game, hoping that my memory would return in time for me to figure this out. It hadn't and it was unfair to Viv to play this waiting game. I'd been out of the hospital for six months and was still sleeping in the downstairs bedroom. She knew something was wrong but I'd been a big fat chicken. She was walking around waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm surprised that she didn't corner me and demand an explanation.

I'd just showered and eaten some cereal when I saw her come into the kitchen. I was so glad that I didn't have any food in my mouth. I think that I would have needed the Heimlich maneuver. My eyes bugged out at her attire, or rather lack of it.

She had on some white teddy that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. The bra portion was sheer, showing her rosy pink nipples. The bottom portion of the teddy was lace and opened to flare out at her hips. She was wearing a thong made out of the same material as the bra portion of the teddy.

Like a flash I saw our wedding night. She'd worn the same thing and I couldn't get enough of her that night. I was so happy feeling like she'd cured me. That brought me back to reality. That's what it was. I felt like yelling 'EUREKA'. The images and feelings came rolling through me like a tidal wave making me feel a bit nauseous.

I'd felt different my whole life, not really believing that I'd find a woman that I could really love. I'd never felt more than a passing attraction for any one woman. I wanted to find that burning desire to get laid. My high school locker room and my college dormitory was filled with guys that were for lack of a better term, 'pussy-hounds'. I thought that something was wrong with me. I thought that I was a bit asexual. I would look at pictures of women fully dressed and in varying stages of nudity. I never did more than slightly plump.

I completely hid my awkwardness, burying myself in my studies or later in my career. Viv had been the first woman that I was truly interested in. However, my attraction started off as benignly as possible. It was a gradual attraction that grew until I felt that I'd found my savior. I remembered telling her numerous times that she'd saved me a lifetime of loneliness.

"I remember!" I shouted. "Go! Go! Put something else on that you've worn before!" I ran to her, too happy for words, and spun her around as I kissed her soundly on the cheek. "Thank you, thank you, and thank you!!" I was still spinning her around and completely missed the shocked and hurt look on her face. She ran away and I was so excited.

I started going through the things that I remembered and I stopped short. I still didn't remember Jarred. I don't know when we met or why I felt such a pull towards him. I was just so glad that at least part of my memory had returned. Yes there were holes in my personal timeline, but this was the biggest leap since the accident.

My wife returned with a robe and my elation quickly turned to apprehension. My wife had put pajamas and a robe on. Her eyes were already red-rimmed and she looked close to tears again.

"What's wrong Viv?" For some reason I immediately started walking around the kitchen. I started making tea. Once I'd put the kettle on and gotten the tea bag and the mug, I set out the milk and honey. When I stopped I looked down at the counter. I realized that I'd done this so many times that it was an automatic reaction. I was frowning trying to remember what triggered it when I looked back at Viv. She was visibly upset and that had to be it.

I shook my head in dismay; I guessed that I hadn't remembered as much as I thought.

We sat at the center island in the kitchen. I looked at the marble of the countertop and remembered us making love on it our first anniversary. The memories were coming more frequently now. It was like she'd unlocked a door.

"You didn't even get an erection", she whispered as tears began trailing down her face.

I looked down in shock at my crotch, and sure enough my cock was sleeping peacefully. I honestly hadn't even thought sexually about the outfit once it started triggering my memories. The anguish in her face was apparent. "I'm sorry." These sounded like the lamest words that I'd ever spoken but I was truly sorry.

"What's going on Marvy- Marvin? You clam up whenever I try to have a conversation with you and when I look at you I know that you can see my desire and longing! I want my husband back; I want my best friend back!" She was sobbing hysterically now.

I held her to me, knowing that the only thing I would be doing was hurting her more before this all ended.

"It's like you woke up a completely different person!" She was still crying as she spoke. I couldn't let her know that she was right and that I was very different. Maybe 'different' isn't the term. I've become more of myself.

I know now more than ever that I've probably always been gay. When I was younger, never even considering men as an option, I thought that something was wrong with me. My sexual identity was ambiguous at best. It was like the accident unlocked what my subconscious knew all along. From a very early age, I was taught that being anything other than heterosexual was wrong. I guess I suppressed my true self before I really developed and identity, sexual or otherwise. I realized now that it had a lot to do with my upbringing. My father was very religious and was quick to berate anything that he felt was ungodly. His rants were on topics that from IVF to lesbian/gay issues, and a whole lot of other issues.

It was like I could view my life in retrospect as an outsider. Well, at least the part of it that I remembered. It was like I was watching a movie.

I looked down at the miserable looking bundle in my arms and whispered, "We need to talk."

I gulped audibly as we pulled away from each other.

I Leaned against the center island and hung my head, unsure of where to even begin. As hard as this was going to be for me, I knew it would be even more difficult for her and there was nothing that I could do to lessen the pain that I was about to deal.

"I'm gay", I whispered, not even able to meet her gaze.

"You're okay? You're okay? Really Marvin? You aren't okay." She asked, her voice laced with incredulity. Aw shit, she'd misheard me. I turned to her and met her full on.

"I'm gay. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I instinctively reached for her, only to have her flinch as if I'd struck her. She pulled back and I knew she was going to slap me. The sting of the blow was nothing in comparison to the look on her face.

"You bastard!" She yelled. She began yelling, some of which didn't even sound like words. I don't know how she moved so fast, but one second she was yelling in my face and the next, she was hurtling dishes across the center island. Damn she had an arm. Once the cabinet with the plates and bowls was empty she sort of deflated. She crumpled to the floor crying in gut wrenching sobs. She didn't even object to me picking her up. I took her to what used to be our bedroom and covered her up. I set about cleaning up the kitchen.

A couple of hours later, I heard a knock at my door. I'd been starring at the television, not really watching anything. Viv came in. She looked hardened and angry, but she was no longer looking like she wanted to slit my throat.

We started out tentatively talking. Viv was trying to keep her head, and I ... well I was trying to keep living. Something this big and someone so hurt and angry made for a very volatile combination. The conversation was long, and intense. It did seem to help that I'd never cheated on her. Hell, I couldn't have cheated; I hadn't even come to terms with my sexuality until it reared up and smacked me in the face.

The conversation had started to peter out when Viv stomped me with her next question. "So are you in love with Jarred?"

My gasp and look of shock would have been comical if it weren't laced with bone chilling fear. This was a question I'd avoided asking myself and never expected to come from her.

"I honestly don't know. I don't remember him. I won't lie to you, I'm attracted to him. He's the first man that I remember being attracted to, but he doesn't know anything about this." I saw her take a deep breath, a tear slid down her face that she quickly wiped away. Her look was inquisitive. I shrugged, knowing that I had the audacity to feel sheepish, even under these circumstances. "I woke up and he was there... I thought he was mine."

"You've been feeling like this for six months?!" She softly exclaimed.

"I was hoping to regain my memory and figure some of this out. What I do remember still has a lot of holes in it. I knew I was going to have to let you know before my memory fully returned, but I was dealing with so much guilt over what this is going to do to you. I hoped that if my memory returned, there would be some explanation of how I could be such a jerk."

My last utterance seemed to cause her to sniff, I'm not sure whether in laughter or derision. She nodded and left. I lay back on the bed, utterly exhausted, but feeling a little better. As bad as the situation was, at least I'd made the biggest step that I had dreaded like the plague. No matter what happened in the future, I couldn't stay married.

I was in my office one day when Viv came in and handed me an envelope. She looked so sad. I opened the envelope, she'd started divorce proceedings. "I want you out of the house", she said.

I looked up from reading the paperwork, gagging at some of the demands she'd made. I was willing to be more than fair, but that one statement let me know that she didn't intend to play fair.

I sighed and sat back. "You know that isn't going to happen, Viv."

She folded her arms over her chest and starred at me, shooting daggers. "I want you out now! I can't stand this! Get out!"

I rubbed my temples, already feeling a killer migraine coming on. "Viv, you know this house is in trusteeship for my family... my family, Viv. It can't be sold and you won't be getting it in the divorce... if you can't stand being here with me, then you leave. I never wanted to hurt you, but I'll be damned if I let you walk all over me because of my guilt."

To say that she was shocked was an understatement. I was just glad that I'd found our pre-nup and my will a couple of weeks ago. I wondered why there was no mention of the house. After perusing my files, I found the documents about the house. It seems that in order to sell the house, it had to be a unanimous decision by the oldest living members of the family. Since my mother and her three sisters were still alive, selling the house wouldn't even be my generation's decision.

She snorted haughtily and gave me an evil stare, "You seem to remember things when it's convenient, you ape!" She turned and stormed out. That was a new one; I don't remember her calling me any animals these past weeks. I knew that I would need to find out my options. I was hoping that this would be civil, but even I wasn't addled enough to hope that she'd be okay with who I was.

As much of a jackass as it made me seem, I wanted to get on with my life. Even if I never found anyone, this cosmic bitch-slap was enough to let me know that I couldn't hide anymore. I found the number of my attorney in an address book at my desk. He handled most of my business legalities, but I was sure he could point me to a good divorce attorney.

I called my attorney and got right to the point. "Bob, I'm selling my business and I need a good divorce attorney." I didn't have time to sugar coat. I don't remember how I was with the business that I'd been neglecting, but I figured the best way to get through was to jump right in with both feet. Unfortunately for my wife, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if that meant that I was alone.

The one good thing about all of this stress was that my erotic dreams had all but diminished. Yes, I still found myself daydreaming about his beautiful voice and those steel grey eyes, but at least I wasn't cumming in my pajamas from wet dreams.

Those made me think of this upcoming trip to see Jarred. On the one hand, I was excited to see him, especially now that I wasn't looking like some wounded creature with bandages everywhere. I wanted to see if the attraction was as one-sided as I'd perceived it to be. A small part of me wanted him to want me as badly as I seemed to want him. I knew it was selfish, but it was that ray of hope that kept me going. Now, on the other hand, I was dreading the trip. I didn't want to leave my house with the way things were between Viv and me. I also didn't know how I was going to deal with being in such close proximity to Jarred.

Luckily Viv solved my problem for me. I'd been afraid that I was going to come back to find that she'd cleaned me out. She moved out and insisted that all communication be through our attorneys. I have to admit that I breathed a sigh of relief... well after I had the locks changed. I hoped that in time we could at least be civil. She was my best friend for so long. **********

The thing about amnesia, or at least in my personal experience, is that you remember more when you relax and stop trying so hard. But you don't realize how many things there are that we remember every day. You find out how much you took for granted. The first time I'd tried to access my computer in my office, I had a moment of panic. It was password protected. After several attempts, I gave up in frustration. It wasn't that it slipped my mind... it just was gone! I decided to try another tactic. I walked away and went to work out. I let all of the stress flow through the workout.

After a quick shower, I sat in bed flipping channels. I grabbed my laptop off my dresser. It had been sitting there since I'd moved into the downstairs bedroom. I chuckled as I rubbed dust off the top. I flipped the top and pressed the 'on' button. Nothing happened. I laughed again. Technologically advanced I wasn't. I found the cord figuring out that it needed to charge. I was still musing to myself as I settled back into bed and flipped another channel. I started to get into the discovery channel and saw an ad I wanted to look up online. Without thinking I typed on the keyboard and logged onto my computer and was on the website before I realized it.

I smiled and started surfing. I decided to check my personal email. Whew, I had over two-thousand emails. Most was junk that I deleted without reading. There was a recent email from Jarred giving me directions to his house and the days he'd be taking his vacation. He ended the email stating that he hoped I would be able to make it. With everything that was going on with me, I hadn't gotten a chance to confirm with him.

I groaned and tried not to think of him. Tried and failed. My dick was plumping thinking about him. I usually tried to take a cold shower to cool my lust. There was no worse guilt trip than thinking about a man when your wife was upstairs. There was nothing that I could do about the dreams. That I'd cum in most of them was not a factor on what I did when I was awake. I fought the urge to jack-off at every turn. It looked like I wasn't going to win that battle now.

I pulled out my cock, thankful that no one was around. I hadn't actually done this in a very long time. I closed my eyes and thought of him. It didn't take long for my cock to start leaking. It's honey coating my hand and giving me the lubrication that I needed to proceed.

I remembered his enigmatic smile and the way his eyes sparkled when he'd watched me eat the red velvet cookies. His laugh never ceased to send shivers down my spine. His teasing banter made me want to listen to him all day. I wanted to run my hands through his gold flecked hair and see those grey eyes darken in lust.

I wanted to feel his long fingers search every inch of my body, learning all of my hot spots. I wanted to feel his lips press to one in particular, right behind my ear. Before I knew it my eyes were rolling back into my skull and I was biting my knuckles to keep from crying out. Once I came down from my orgasm, sadness began to creep into my consciousness. I had cum from just thinking about him, and not even in an overtly sexual way. God I was such a loser.

**********

I'd originally intended to drive to Jarred's house. After realizing that it would be about a ten hour drive, I decided to fly. It would take less than two hours to get there by flying. I was nervous as all get out, especially getting on the plane, luckily the flight wasn't long. I swear it took us less time to get there than expected. I got off the plane and rented a car. I was actually running ahead of schedule. I t was about noon and Jarred wasn't expecting me until around 2pm. I parked at his house and looked around.