We exchanged numbers and quickly started texting each other. My heart melted when I saw a text saying "How's Friday for our next date".
Date! The idea of going out on a date with him thrilled me, in a way it never had with a woman.
All the sudden everything started to make sense. The men only sexual fantasies. The girlfriends who left me saying they felt unfulfilled. Looking back I remember several asked if I was gay a few months into the relationship.
I realized that whenever I had sex with women in the past it was mechanical, I thought that's just how sex was but one night with Tim made me realize the reason I didn't enjoy sex with women is because I was gay. I had enjoyed giving a blow job to him, and not even orgasming myself, more than any sex I had ever had with a woman. I realized I wanted his cock in my mouth more than I wanted to have sex with women. And I also realized that wasn't the only place I wanted his cock in me.
A whole tsunami of thoughts hit me. I realize I had been living a lie my whole life. I also felt I could take a feminine, sensuous role that just wasn't possible with a woman. I dawned on me that the only enjoyment I ever got from women was the physical stimulation but also unconsciously fantasizing about their role. I distinctly remembered one of my girlfriends giving me a blow job and I realized I was jealous of her role.
The reality started to hit me, my whole body trembled when I finally admitted to myself I was gay. The reality began to set in. My whole life had been a lie, and I was totally in the closet, out to no one. I didn't want to be gay, but still my stomach filled with butterflies when he suggested a restaurant by him for dinner. I knew what I was going to have for dessert.
We met for dinner in a restaurant in Chelsea. It was a warm night so we dined in the outdoor garden. Up to till now I had only fantasized about men in ballet tights but when I saw him in street clothes I still got giddy and aroused. He was wearing a fitted dark blue button shirt and tailored grey stretchy jean cut pants that showed off his body.
Over dinner we talked about our backgrounds. I again said I wished I had taken ballet earlier but I was scared of what others might think, and how I admired him for doing it. He said it was tough at times but he never had a problem being who he was.
"By the way", he said, "You mentioned it was your first time. Are you out?"
I said no, and we talked about how I was deceiving myself the whole time. He mentioned that he had tried a couple of dates with women and even sex in college but it just wasn't for him. I admired how he was confident in who he was, and I said I was beginning to realize that denying or being afraid of being gay was really a lack of confidence in myself and a reliance on other people's opinions. He asked if I was going to live in the closet and I said I didn't want to.
"Good", he said, "I don't condemn anyone for being in the closet, but I am out to all my friends and I make it a rule to only socialize authentically if we're out on a date we're out on a date". I realized his hand was touching holding mine on the table and for a minute I was scared -the wall of fear went up- I panicked I might see someone I knew or people would be hostile, but then I realized it's a restaurant in Chelsea and there were plenty of gay couples dining, and my fear turned into thrill when I realized I was one of those couples!
When we were done with the main course the waiter asked if we wanted dessert. I said I wasn't ready now, and he suggested we finish up and go to his place. I enthusiastically said yes. While we were waiting for the check, I started to vividly think about what happened at his place last time and my whole body woke up in anticipation. I had to awkwardly get up to hide my erection as we left. We walked up 7th avenue to his place it was a beautiful warm late summer night and the sun was just setting, casting a magical light. There was a fresh breeze and as we walked along our hands would touch and then we held hands as we walked. I was giddy with love, lust, and excitement. I felt so alive! I turned and we kissed in public. I realized now it wasn't just a tights a fetish, I wanted him without them too.
We could barely keep our hands off each other as we rode the elevator with some other tenants. It seemed like it took forever for him to turn the key and open the door, but that was only because I couldn't wait to be inside and in his arms.
As soon as the door shut we embraced and our lips met and tongues danced together. We both fumbled slipping our shoes off so I knelt down, first removing mine, probably because I knew once I touched him I wasn't going to think about anything else.
I took off his shoes, caressing his feet which were clad in luxurious merino wool. I never had a 'thing' for feet but it felt sensual to kiss them and caress them with my cheek.
