Bac to Bac

Artie

Midterms started the week after we got back from our camping trip, so we studied for a solid ten days straight. Camping was a dream but coming back to a mountain of review material was a rude, rude awakening. I barely got any sleep. If it weren't for Miles, I probably wouldn't have ever left the dorm let alone eaten or exercised. He, on the other hand, had no problem grinding himself into the ground and then waking up the next day with a bright smile and a fresh attitude.

I kind of appreciated the distraction. I don't know if it was the pot or what, but ever since that last night camping every moment I wasn't occupying myself my brain rehashed the weird moments with Miles.

Who was I kidding? That was already happening. Camping was great, perfect even, but there was this niggling feeling in the back of my mind at all times. And it only got worse when he was around.

Laying in bed that last night, with the laptop in front of me, I should have been focusing on the movie. Instead, all I could think about was how good it felt to lie with Miles. The way his heavy arm pressed me to him, the way his chest rose and fell, the way he smelled. It shouldn't have felt so good.

I started sleeping in my bed for I think the first time since Miles moved in. I thought it would help. The mental exhaustion from studying all day, every day, would knock me out by the end of the night.

But now with midterms over I just lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling, scrutinizing myself.

********

I hate how Miles smells.

Or should I say: I hate how much I like how Miles smells.

He made a comment before bed the last night in the tent, about how he was "ripe" or whatever. It didn't even cross my mind. That night, stoned off my face with him wrapped around me, I couldn't escape it. Ever since I can't help but notice it. It's on my clothes, it's in my hair, it's all over our room. It's OUR room. It should smell like both of us, right? Nope, just Miles. Everywhere.

I don't even know how to describe his smell. He smells like Miles.

His scent puts me at ease. At the end of the day when I walk into the room, it's like a comforting blanket is immediately thrown over me. The way he smells shouldn't make me feel this good. Ever since that night, I'm hyper-aware of it. It's like a high and every time I indulge in it I feel guiltier and guiltier.

********

"And you sat on his lap."

I dropped my head and twiddled my thumbs.

"Yeah."

"And he told you he loves you?"

"Yeah."

I sunk even further down in Conner's gaming chair. I had just given him the rundown of Miles and I's trip.

"Artie..."

"I know! Okay? I know."

I didn't need him to rub it in my face. Stop putting yourself in compromising positions, I remember what he said. It just... Happens without a second thought. And I hadn't even mentioned Miles' comment while we were swimming.

"There's something else too, isn't there?"

How the frick could he know?

"No." I denied.

He was going to chew me out, I could just feel it.

"Artie, c'mon. I know we just started hanging out but I ALSO know you can't lie to save your life."

I sighed. I need to work on my poker face.

"He said this thing while we were swimming, that 'the ladies must love my dick' or something." I imitated Miles like he was some d-baggy frat guy but he really doesn't sound like that. Most of the time.

"What." He said as a statement, not a question.

"How did he see your dick?" He asked in the flattest tone.

It didn't sound very good in my head, so I knew it would sound even worse out loud. But Conner's right, I can't lie to save my life.

"We were skinny dippi-"

"Artie!"

I plugged my ears and made as much noise with my mouth as I could. Yes, I was behaving like a petulant child, but I don't like being reprimanded. Sue me.

Conner walked over to me and pulled both my hands off of my ears. I squinted up at him awaiting the onslaught.

"That's weird." He intonated slowly and firmly.

"I don't even think it is!" I threw out.

"I made it weird. I should care about what the 'ladies' think about my junk. I should be able to be naked around Miles. I should be able to relate to him in that way, be his 'bro' and have 'bro talk' or whatever."

Conner slowly sat down across from me and looked me dead in the eye.

"I think my therapist would tell you that's problematic thinking."

I just rolled my eyes and sighed.

********

Halloween happened, which at our school meant four nights of partying. Halloweekend, they called it. I wasn't really feeling up to it. Leading up to Halloween I didn't even bother coming up with a costume. I think Miles tried to rub his festive mood off on me but he knew deep down I wasn't going to change my mind.

I thought having a few nights alone would be good for me. I thought I'd just sit at my desk, do some schoolwork, and take my mind off of Miles for at least an hour or two.

Instead, I just laid in bed trying to sleep and failing miserably, listening to everyone in the dorm get drunk.

I wish that was what was keeping me up.

It wasn't shame about being attracted to a guy, not anymore at least.

Maybe a little.

I felt guilty lying to Miles. What he saw in me was a best friend and I was secretly lusting after him like some perv. It was like every nice thing he went out of his way to do was just another reason he was too good of a friend for me. I felt like I didn't deserve him. especially after everything he did to keep me on track.

Staying away made it better... And worse.

It was the proximity that was killing me. I just needed a day or two away from Miles. I love spending time with him, it's not that I don't. I just needed some time to myself, to recalibrate. Thanksgiving was coming up in a few weeks. I just had to make it to Thanksgiving. I could hang out in the quiet dorms, and take my mind off of him for a while

********

Miles

I think I might be going nuts.

Everything is normal, but it doesn't feel like it.

Ever since the camping trip, my whole day feels off. Waking up, going to class, even eating, none of it feels the same.

Something about Artie was just off. When we hang out he makes jokes and he laughs like he normally would, he contributes to conversation and listens like he normally would. But it all felt off.

In the middle of our conversation, I'd take a second to look into his eyes, which seemed so sullen these days, and try to find him. As if he knew what I was searching for, he'd slowly come out of his shell and it would feel like I had him there with me again. But only a moment later he would be back to weird Artie. It was freaking me out.

He's distant, but he's right in front of me. I don't know how to explain it. He sleeps through breakfast but he's not even sleeping, he's just lying there. He doesn't meet up with me for lunch between classes, he came to the gym with me maybe twice in the last two weeks, opting instead to run. In New Hampshire. In October. At night he goes to bed early, and not regular Artie early.

He always has a reason and they're always valid. Too much work to meet up. Tired and stressed from midterms. Exhausted from a long run. Tired from hanging out with the slime. But something about them felt... hollow.

I'll go to throw my arm around his shoulders or something and it's like he can sense it. He'll get up off the bed or move away. I didn't notice, but eventually i couldn't not notice. Can't lie, at first it kind of hurt my feelings. But now I'm just confused. It's not like he outright avoids me, it's always weird subtle shit like that. Maybe I'm just a physically affectionate person and don't notice I'm overdoing it. Does he feel like I'm smothering him?

I don't even know how to address it. What would I even say to him without sounding like a clingy girlfriend? Maybe I just shouldn't be touching him so much.

But I like touching Artie. I thought he liked it too. I'm not sure I was even as comfortable sharing space with Nat as I was with Artie.

It felt weirder to me when we weren't in physical contact. Even if it's just his arm bumping mine or his head resting on my shoulder for a second, it felt right.

He didn't have a problem with it before. Before when I'd pull him to my side while we were walking he'd smile up at me 50 gigawatts or whatever. But earlier today when I did it, it was like he couldn't wait for me to stop.

He completely flaked on Halloweekend. Well, to his credit he never agreed to go. But still, I had so many ideas for costumes we could've done together. Artie used to love Halloween growing up and we always coordinated costumes. I guess a part of me just assumed we'd pick up where we left off.

I thought for sure this would be the one party weekend he'd want to rally. But nah, he has an "early study group" tomorrow.

I don't know if I believed him.

Maybe it's not anything and I'm just reading into it. Maybe Artie is being normal and I'm the crazy one. Hence, why I think I'm going nuts.

So now I'm just standing around this dirty frat house basement in this shitty construction worker costume chugging this lukewarm drink a sweaty frat dude mixed me. I didn't even want to be here. I thought I liked to go out, but I'm realizing I just like hanging out with Artie. Who else will I talk to? Who else will I dance with? Who else will I get drunk and stumble home with and get breakfast in the morning with? I liked the people in my frat but they just weren't Artie. It felt like half of an outing without him next to me.

Everyone kept asking me where he was. I wasn't the only one missing him. He downplays his significance but Artie was always the one to crack the joke that ended up getting the conversation flowing.

I went out all weekend. I thought maybe one of the days Artie would feel up to it.

Nope.

********

Artie

The dreams started out benign. It was like little clips of my life since Miles moved in would play as I slept. Short moments like walking somewhere together, or sitting around the dorm and talking.

The first dream I had about Miles after our trip was so vivid that for a few days I didn't know if it was a dream or reality. I was sitting on his bed and he came home from class. We took a moment to look at each other before he came over to the bed. He laid down and pulled me to his chest, wrapping his arms all around me. My head fell into the crook of his neck and he held me there, taking deep breaths. I remember feeling so content it had to be real. When I woke up I was alone on his bed, a wet spot on his pillow in front of my mouth and Miles nowhere to be found.

Progressively they've gotten more vivid and longer lasting. Sometimes it feels like I can't wake up no matter how hard I try. Then other times when I do wake myself up I can't even tell if I'm actually even waking up. I fell asleep on Miles' bed in the middle of the day last week, and I had a dream that I was napping on Miles' bed. When I woke up he was in the exact same spot he was in in my dream. I had to ask him if I was awake or not. It's like my subconscious was trying to torture me.

I was having a really good few days last week. Not a single unwanted thought about Miles and I got an A on an exam in a class I had been a little too lax in. I was on top of the world. I fell asleep hopeful for the next day. I thought maybe my feelings would pass and I could trust myself around Miles again.

My brain had other plans.

In my dream, I woke up in Miles' bed and light was all around the room. The sun didn't shine in our room the way it was right then, but it was everywhere. Everything felt warm.

Miles lifted my chin so my eyes met his.

He smiled his smile, the one he reserved just for me, before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. Once, twice, three times, and then gently he slid his tongue into my mouth.

I always thought you couldn't feel things when you sleep. Until that dream, that is. His lips were so soft, it's like I could still feel how they felt on mine when I think about it.

So I tried not to think about it.

It would be fine if the dreams were fantastical, but they weren't. They always begin with a scenario that seems so realistic, and always in our dorm. Each one more vivid and sexual than the last. I can't look around our room anymore without picturing all the things Miles and I have done in my dreams.

So I stopped hanging around our room as much during the day. And when I am in the dorm, I have headphones in and I'm blasting music to keep the intrusive thoughts out.

It works. Sorta.

I started up long-distance running again so I'd have a reason to be out of the room. I run for an hour and a half straight on some days.

When I'm exhausted from a long run I pass out for a few hours and I don't dream at all, which is nice.

********

Miles

The couple weeks leading up to Thanksgiving break were... a fucking shit show.

Our schedule was packed with fraternity shit for our pledging process. They really undersold how much mandatory shit there would be. So fucking badly was I looking forward to initiation so I could pick and choose what shit I wanted to attend. I could tell it was kicking Artie's ass too. It felt like every day we had some event to either go to or help set up for. Add to that mandatory resume and interview workshops, alumni networking events, and the last few weeks of class before revision and finals... we were barely hanging on.

It's taken everything in me to keep a good eating, sleeping, and exercise regimen but Artie's been... off the rails.

Alright, that's an exaggeration, his grades and shit are fine but he's not sleeping well. He has dark purple circles under his eyes at all times. He barely eats, but has been going on long ass fucking runs? He's quiet all the time, I feel like he's barely made a peep in the last week. Yeah, we've been spending a lot of time studying, but at the end of the day we always talk. Or at least we used to.

I barely see him around the room and when I do it's because he's passed out in his bed in the middle of the day. He hasn't even been hanging out with Conner from what I can gather. I couldn't believe I was considering that Artie should be spending MORE time with Slimy McStickbug. Something was fucking up, and not just the end of the semester.

********

I did something I'm not proud of. I went through Artie's phone. But I'm fucking worried about him so I'd do it again. I've tried asking him what's going on, multiple times, and every time he just brushes me off.

I just needed Marissa's phone number. They seemed as close if not closer than they used to be, I figured she of all people would know what to do about Artie. I could've DMed her on social media, but I had a sneaking suspicion she would block me if I tried to reach out. Which would make me laugh if this wasn't low-key serious.

I could've snooped through Artie's phone, I knew his password. But I didn't do it. Kind of the bare minimum but I was proud of myself, the temptation was intense.

Artie was at his last class of the day so I did the unimaginable. I called Pissy Rissy.

After only a few rings a confused Marissa answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Marissa?"

"This is she, who's speaking?" Formal. Must be on the clock.

"Miles Beatty..."

There was an extended silence.

Alright.

"Have you heard from Artie?" I asked.

"Isn't he YOUR roommate? Shouldn't I be asking YOU that?" She replied real fucking quick this time.

Whatever, I've gone toe to toe with her before.

"Listen, I'm worried about him. Has he talked to you in the last few weeks?"

"No, he told me he's been busy with midterms."

I could hear typing in the background.

"Midterms were almost three weeks ago."

Another stretch of silence.

"I've been swamped at work. Speaking of, hurry it up. Why are you so worried about him, Miles?"

"I don't know dude, I was hoping you could tell me what his deal is. He's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not talking to me. He just studies and then goes to sleep."

"Well, that sounds like how he was all of last year. I used to have to drag him out of the dorm by his ear."

"No, same, I drag his ass around too I know what you mean. But, this is... Different. Did he talk to you about Thanksgiving?"

"No, I haven't talked to him since... I don't even know."

"Well, he told me today he's staying at the dorms because he doesn't want to go home and you'll be busy."

"What?" The typing stopped.

"What the actual hell?" She muttered under her breath.

"Yeah, bro..."

"I'm not your bro. And I wasn't talking to you, my boss just emailed me, but what the actual hell to what you said too." The clacking resumed.

"Artie's kind of a hermit, he always has been. But that's weird, I'm not busy for Thanksgiving. I'll talk to him."

Her typing in the background became furious.

"I have to go. I have a conference call in five. But thank you for telling me what's going on. I'll try to get in contact with him, but if he dodges me I'll give you a call."

"Thanks, Pissy."

There was silence for a beat.

"Miles, I'm going to str-"

I hung up the phone.

********

Artie

I wish Miles never bought that stupid air mattress. I had forgotten about it until today. I made it through my last full week of class before Thanksgiving break and my grades were exactly where I wanted them to be. I was ready to not think about anything for as long as possible.

Miles was supposed to be at a fraternity event, which I managed to get myself out of, but when I got back to our dorm the floor was occupied by the air mattress from the camping trip. On top of it was every single pillow and blanket we owned.

"Ah. Perfect, you're just in time." I heard from behind me.

Miles sauntered around me holding a bowl of popcorn.

"Just in time for what?" I asked, eyeing the setup on the floor.

"Miles/Artie time. You have no schoolwork due, today is your rest day, and Conner is setting up for the frat shit. You're hanging with me, buddy."

I had been doing a good job resisting temptation, but I think it was just because Miles was indulging my flightiness. I had a feeling I wasn't going to get away with fleeing this time.

"I have a lot of work I need to do." I couldn't look him in the eye as I lied through my teeth. I just went to my desk to pretend to grab some study materials.

"Dude, it can wait till after break." I felt two hands rip my backpack off my back.

"What the frick, Miles?" I spun around and glared at him. I didn't appreciate being jerked around and dismissed.

"Bruh, we haven't spent time together in like a month. Are you really gonna make me beg you to chill with me?"

I just looked at him uncomfortably. Had it really been that long?

The look on his face almost made me give in, but then I thought about what we'd be doing: Laying together on a bed, cuddling.

Compromising positions, I reminded myself. We can hang out when there isn't a bed involved.

"I need to go to the library." I said, completely untruthfully.

I tried to grab my backpack out of his hand but he pulled it away from my grasp. My feathers were already ruffled from when he pulled the backpack off me, so when he started playing keep away my mood darkened even further. Usually when Miles does stuff like that, it would turn into a fun game. But, I was at the end of my rope. I just wanted to be alone, to feel nothing and think about nothing. It was like Miles was rubbing in my face that was not going to happen.

I stood back and glared at him for a second, before going for it. Once again, he moved it out of my reach. I saw red.

Whatever, he wants my backpack? He could have it.

I turned around and went to my dresser, quickly changing into workout clothes. Miles was just standing there, an incredulous look on his face.