To say that me and Andrew were only friends would have been a gross understatement. Lovers felt too sickly and no label inbetween seemed to recognise the nuances of our relationship.
We'd met in our first year of University, both English students and both with a penchant for creative writing. There wasn't any more than a two month age gap between us but the way that he carried himself often made him feel more like my mentor. In general conversation it was clear that this perspective worked vice versa. Andrew could tell that I looked up to him and it was never that he spoke down to me, but the way that he made everything sound like a life lesson definitely gave the implication that he saw me as some sort of apprentice.
Not that I minded. Even if we hadn't synced personality wise, I would have still been completely enamoured by Andrew from the first moment I'd seen him. He was the brooding type. Stylishly messy black hair that fell in waves and was cleanly cropped above pierced ears. Thick eyebrows that framed a beautifully expressive face and a strong nose that wrinkled playfully whenever I said something that he found amusing. His eyes justified almost an entire page completely. Honey coloured and flecked with gold. Sometimes I found myself babbling on about something completely nonsensical just to melt in his gaze.
But we're getting off topic.
Andrew and I often found ourselves sharing ideas, stories; sometimes I'd find him in my dorm room after a night out, sprawled out on my cramped bed and teasingly suggesting I read him one of my essays in order to help him get to sleep. Not that he didn't find faults with what I wrote. I was constantly getting critiques that my work was too personal.
"If I wanted to read about you, I'd find your diary, Jonas." He joked. Or it started off as a joke, at least. But the more we got to know eachother, the more of our intimate writing we shared. Soon enough, nothing was off limits.
Andrew had invited me over to his place tonight. He wasn't in student accommodation, and was wealthy enough to afford an apartment in the city. With its size and sheer beauty, along with the books that filled the walls from top to bottom, I couldn't help but be surprised at the insistence that we spend so much time sat on the floor of my room.
It had been raining that night and as we stepped into the dimly lit hallway, I found myself watching as he peeled off his coat and dropped it carelessly to the floor. Toned muscles peaked out under the dampness of his white button-up. I'd left my jacket back at my dorm and quickly found myself underneath the warmth of a soft towel that had been thrown over my head.
"Do you smoke, Jonesy?" Andrew had wandered into the main living space and when I followed him, I found him sprawled out on one of three sofas, legs kicked carelessly up over the side.
"Nah. I mean, once or twice but my mum smoked for years, said she'd kill me if she ever saw me with a cigarette." My response is met with a derisive snort.
"I don't see your mum here, do you?"
I laugh sheepishly, for some reason looking around instinctively, just to make sure my mum hadn't followed me for three hundred miles to make sure I wasn't breaking her deep seated family morals. The apartment was big, but definitely empty other than the two of us.
Andrew pats the seat of the sofa beside him and I sit down, sinking into the soft cushions that looked like they cost more than my student loans. I was being suffocated in privilege. I part my lips to say as much but he props a cigarette between them instead and leans in close to light it for me. His cologne smells sweet and feminine. I'd dislike it on anyone else other than him.
"Have you finished the essay for Nora yet?"
Nora. Nora Hindmarsh. Head of our English course. As much as I was enamoured by Andrew I was captivated by Nora. Equal parts Scottish and Jamaican and a penchant for floral patterns. She carried herself very gracefully but had a wry smile that made my heart flutter, and Andrew knew this.
"I can tell she wants me." He says breezily, lighting himself a cigarette. He lets the comment hang in the air and regards me thoughtfully. He must catch the confusion in my expression because he laughs and blows smoke out into my face.
"Bullshit." I reply flatly, pushing him back with my foot in an attempt to be playful, as opposed to annoyed. "You only think that because your head's bigger than your student loan. You think that everybody who smiles at you as a thing for you."
Andrew exhales a laugh and shakes his head. He gets up from the sofa and over to the liquor cabinet that hangs in the corner of the room. He returns with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. One gets set down in front of me. He doesn't even fill the glasses, but instead waits as if expecting me to do so. It's only once I pick up the bottle and lean over to fill his glass first that he continues the story.
"Not bullshit, mate. She had me stay behind last Wednesday. Said she wanted to check over my notes." It's the most mundane beginning to a story but I'm already intrigued. I forget that I'm supposed to be smoking and the neglected ash lands on my trouser leg.
"She was wearing that shirt. You know the slightly sheer one with lace at the collar? Bent over my work space so that I had a clear view of her cleavage." As he speaks, Andrew leans over me, propping one hand on the sofa behind me to support himself. I'm level with his shirt pocket but my gaze doesn't leave his. The look in his eye is steely, almost as if challenging me to be jealous; and the smirk that I knew so well played on his lips. "She looked over at the shit I'd scrawled out in ten minutes as if it was the most impressive thing in the world. Put her hand on my arm all friendly-like. Gave it a supportive squeeze and told me how much of a good job I was doing." Andrew's hand was on my arm now. Squeezing my bicep. I swallow hard and set the whiskey down, trying to keep myself busy so that I don't get completely lost in him like I know he wants me to. "I thought she was going to kiss me. I'm pretty sure she almost did." He's hushed his voice purposefully now, and his face was mere inches from mine. It took all of my effort to make sure my eyes didn't flutter shut in a pathetic expectation that he was about to kiss me.
His hand pats my cheek a little too hard and he moves away suddenly so that he's sitting down next to me again. He picks up his glass and takes a sip, I take this as an excuse to fill my own.
"Probably just giving you an incentive to actually work in the lecture instead of just coasting by." I tease, and he gives me a slight shove.
"Maybe. If that's the case then you shouldn't be working so hard. Maybe she'll keep you behind too." His hand moves up to my damp curls that were still sticking flatly to my face, and pushes them back idly with his fingers. I roll my eyes and take a measured drink of whiskey. I cringe at the taste it leaves on my tongue.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Is all I know how to reply, flushed cheeks betraying how I really feel. Andrew notices this and smiles, his nose wrinkling.
"You don't think I see how hard you get for her? You get almost as much of a boner for Hindmarsh than you do for me."
This really made my heart pang in my chest. I'd always assumed that my admiration for Andrew had come across as platonic. I'd never had any idea he'd suspected any different.