Authors note: I'm not teasing you, this is actually finished and I have learnt my lesson about half finishing something before publishing it. There are two more parts which I swear will follow in a timely manner 😅 Sorry it took a year ha ha ha. And if there is a SINGLE COMMENT about how hard to follow the dialogue is I SWEAR TO GOD... jk i appreciate it, I'm working on it. (I'm from a screenwriting background hence I often see things in my head as: shot- reaction, dialogue, shot... and yeah, I realise NOW that doesn't work in prose, ha ha sorryyyy.)
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Wil
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Liam was sitting outside Toi Tamaki, staring at his phone. I took a deep breath and slowly approached him. He looked up and smiled as he saw me- but his face dropped almost instantly, and that was probably something to do with the fact that I was, to my total utter embarrassment, crying. Like, ugly crying. He didn't say a word, he just stood up and wrapped his arms around me and let me sob on his shoulder until I managed to pull myself together and rubbed my face as I moved away from him.
"Sorry." I mumbled.
"Dumbass." Liam rolled his eyes. "'What's going on, Wil?" I pulled him to sit down with me and opened my mouth- but I was struggling with the words.
"'I just went to a hotel room with Adam." I said eventually.
"Adam? Who's Adam?"
"Adam Adam." I rolled my eyes. "Girlfriend called Nancy, Adam. Runs in our circles because he funds us Adam." To his credit, Liam didn't gasp, or slap me, and storm away from me. He's too good for this world. He just took my hand.
"Oh, Wil." He said quietly.
"'I know." I said. He put his arm over my shoulder and rested his head next to mine.
"Wanna talk about it?" He offered.
"Why am I sabotaging this thing with Fred?" I grunted. "You introduce me to the nicest, sweetest, fucking guy in the world and the minute some other asshole calls I just... throw it all away. What the fuck is wrong with me?"
"Well." Liam said slowly. "'Fred is really sweet, and I like him a lot. But there are other nice guys out there. Maybe you just... you know. Maybe like... Fred just doesn't do it for you. That's ok..."
"Fred does it for me." I interrupted.
"Oh good." Liam giggled. "I'm majorly rooting for him. He was drooling over this photo of you Jamie had..." Liam cut himself off, turning pink and looking guilty. "Which I... wasn't meant to tell you about..."
"He already told me that." I smiled. "I know. I want him too." I sighed dramatically. "The fuck is wrong with me?"
"Nothing." Liam squeezed my shoulder. "Maybe one or two real fucking cockheads of boyfriends have made you a little bit scared of commitment. Maybe someone like Fred makes you scared you'll be vulnerable and you never want to be vulnerable again. Maybe you're sabotaging things before you have real feelings for him." He smiled at me. "But I'm not a licensed therapist so... you know... grain of salt." I looked at him and sighed.
"Thanks for calling." I mumbled. "I was about to make one of the stupidest decisions of my life."
"Which is saying something." Liam laughed. "Keep me on speed dial." He said. "Any man, in any hotel, pull out your phone and call me." I laughed.
"That's going to majorly ruin the mood."
"Which sounds like it's probably mostly a good thing." Liam smiled. "You wanna head back?"
"Not yet." I muttered. Liam nodded and we sat quietly together.
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I've performed enough under shitty situations that I knew how to keep myself in check and get through a show, even though all I wanted to do was throw myself off a five story building. Opening night was as close to perfect as it could be and the rest of the cast were riding their highs, spilling out of the dressing rooms half made up and loudly debating which bar to go to while the director desperately begged them to go home and get some sleep. Liam was, naturally, at the centre of it all and he'd been whisked away while I slowly got changed. Now that the adrenaline of performing had worn off I was coming to terms with a horrible feeling in my chest. It wasn't a new feeling exactly... but it was something I really tried never to indulge. Guilt. Major, painful, shitty, horrible guilt. It was heaviest in my chest... but it was spreading to my gut and my head, and every single part of me and no matter how much I was trying to breathe through it... I just kept thinking about how awful I felt. How awful I WAS. What a stupid, weak, piece of shit I'd been acting like. Oh God. Maybe I wasn't even acting like that. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was just as terrible as Adam thought I was. I mean, I always knew I was stupid, I always knew I had next to no self control... but I didn't know I was capable of seeing a guy who I KNEW had a girlfriend. Especially when I had my own pseudo boyfriend.
I gritted my teeth and tried to get changed. I had really bad timing to decide to have an existential crisis. I kinda needed to hold it together for the rest of the performances, and tonight at least I REALLY needed to make an appearance and be sweet to Liam, it would be horrifically rude not to. Although how I was meant to pretend to be happy about anything when my skin was crawling... I don't know.... God, maybe alcohol would help.
I happened to glance at my phone and smiled involuntarily seeing another text from Fred.
Hey, it's Fred, made you breakfast this morning Fred, coming to see you perform soon Fred, that one... hey, I hope tonight went well, I'm sure it did, you're amazing. I'll see you soon, please don't get too wasted tonight.
I tightened my lips and glanced around the empty changing room, steeling myself. Well. I could live with the shittiness of this guilt forever... or, I guess... there was another option. I could tell him. Not that telling people things has ever exactly been my strong suit, but this was... this was so different. Because Fred made me feel gorgeous and normal and smart and sexy, and I didn't deserve it. And he didn't deserve anyone who made him feel like anything less. He didn't deserve someone who just ran off with other guys he was still hung up on. I pouted as I considered dialling him and my mind immediately went to worst case scenario. If Fred had any sense he'd just dump me right away, seeing what a major asshole I'd turned out to be. And maybe that was for the best? I mean... Adam was this close to dumping Nancy anyway right? Maybe it was meant to be Adam all along and ....
Only I didn't want it to be Adam. Even if all I deserved was the cheating asshole who liked to punish me, well. I wanted more. I wanted someone nice. Someone I could talk to- or listen to, I guess... someone soft, and cute, and waayyy too tall, not that it mattered because he weighed next to nothing... I wanted someone who wanted me just as bad as I wanted him. And it would just be a bonus if he happened to have like the sexiest massive dick hidden in his boxers....
Damn. I should call him. Ah, fuck though. He was gonna hate me so much.
"Wil!" He picked up on the second ring, sounding panicked. "Oh no, what's wrong?"
"Nothing!" I stifled a laugh at his alarm. "Are you ok?"
"Oh, absolutely, no I just... why are you calling?" I sat on a bench and drew my knees close to my chest, hugging them against me.
"Well." I sighed. Maybe I'd start with the easy part.. "I think... I made a bad call this morning."
"By eating food I made? Yeah, sorry." He joked.
"You asked about boyfriends." I said. "And I totally brushed you off. That was callous."
"No... That's ok." The light tone dropped from Fred's voice almost immediately. He sounded uncertain. "I mean, fair point, like It's not like I was coming out anytime soon. And it hasn't been very long."
"I really don't like to rush into like... labels." I sighed. "But..." I let my head hang between my knees. Ok. Hard part. "I made a real bad mistake today." I whispered into the phone. "And it... made me realise that... I mean... without rushing into it.... That is what I want with you."
"A mistake?" Fred asked quietly.
"I kissed someone else." I whispered. There was silence for a second at the other end and I didn't know if... he would just hang up, or yell at me... or even worse, cry.... But then I heard him chuckle.
"Um." He sighed, sort of half laughing....But I could hear the disappointment. "Is that a euphemism for fucked?"
"No, just kissed." I said, deciding that was enough honesty and I probably didn't need to add 'and I was like two seconds away from sucking him off'.
"Oh, ok." Fred said. "Um. Sorry, you're ah... telling me because...."
"Because I knew I'd fucked up." I said. "And I knew I didn't want to be with anyone else. And I... I wanted to tell you how I felt, that I guess... we could discuss the boyfriend thing properly... it just... didn't feel right not to tell you."
"Ok." He said slowly. "Well, no- wait, it's more than ok. Because you told me, and you won't again, will you?" He paused but before I could speak he started talking again. "No you won't. Because you told me. You wouldn't have told me if you were going to again. Who is he? Oh god he's a dancer isn't he. You're going on tour with him. I'll have to come with you, I can't compete!" I bit my lip and tried not to laugh at the way he managed to hold whole conversations with just himself. "God. How good looking is he?" He mumbled.
"Freddie, no, stop it." I gnawed at my fingernails. "Ok one, not that it matters but- you're so pretty, definitely better looking. And he's not a dancer... he's kind of an ex.... And, Freddie... Look. I really, really fucked up. I feel like shit. I've never felt lower. I shouldn't have... and I hate myself for it, and I understand if you need time or space. But I don't want to lose you."
"It's so unfair of you to call me Freddie." He muttered. "I can't be mad at you. It's too nice hearing it." I grunted softly. "Another ex though, huh?" He kept talking. "Well at least I know when we break up you'll probably still be around, you can't seem to stop yourself." I flinched. "Ooh." He whispered. "That was mean of me. Sorry."
"No. That's... fair." I said quietly.
"Actually Wil though..." He took a deep breath. "I'm not mad. A bit sad. But I forgive you, I get it, and we never said exclusive so you don't owe me anything... Only..." He trailed off.
"Only?" I prompted.
"Only I know how you feel. The boyfriend thing. But I want to call you my boyfriend. I think that might be a um.... what do you call that? A thing. A caveat. A stipulation. A, like, a deal breaker..."
