Ace of Hearts

"Get up you miserable fuck," said the banana. "You're depressing me."

Odd thing for a fruit to say.

"I'ma whoop your brown sugar, café au lait, platano eating ass if you don't get up off my couch."

"You are a very rude fruit," I mutter, and then the next thing I know my arm hurts like hell, and I'm eye level with the legs of the coffee table.

"The fuck you just say to me, pretty boy?" Rob kicks the bottom of my foot. I now have a better understanding of how I got here.

"I was talking to a different fruit," I grunt, and sit up, wiping my mouth.

"Excuse you?" Rob's arms are crossed.

I wave him off. "What do you want?"

"What I want is to watch the game without your smelly drooling ass taking up the whole couch, it's been two weeks of your bullshit," he pushes me with his foot with his nose wrinkled like I'm hazmat. Shit, maybe I am.

"Do yourself a favor, and take a shower before we get a notice from the health department. PLUS your sad ass owes me utility money, too. The bills, like me, do not give a shit about how you feel," he flops onto the couch, props up his feet on the coffee table and turns on the game.

"That is not true. The electricity keeps me warm because you won't." I pull myself to my feet. I do like the shower. I'm just not into standing. Standing is a woman's sport.

"Don't play yourself. I heard even the toilet is tired of your ass."

Okay, that one made me laugh.

"I'm not depressed," I start the trudge to the bathroom. "I'm just tired."

"And Rachel Dolezal is just misunderstood."

I give him the middle finger. He's not wrong. I smell like ass. Armpits, mostly. I'm sure my breath is kickin too.

I take a shower. I stand through the whole fucking thing, too. I drag my comb through my wet curls and make them look at least halfway not like shit. I shuffle from the bathroom into my room. Clean clothes were a truly amazing choice.

"And change them nasty ass sheets before your next depression nap!"

Ugh.

I squint at my bed. Ugh.

It's time to argue with me. I'll start--I don't want to.

I should, I'd like it better.

I leave it at that and pull out clean sheets. It takes me far longer than it should, but I manage to get the old sheets off and the new sheets on. I dump the old sheets on the floor. Like they deserve.

I crawl into bed.

Shit, clean sheets were a good idea, too, I'm gonna give Rob a raise. I need to get back to sleeping. It's better there. I know, eventually I have to wake up and do the job thing some days, but the good news is that only takes 8 hours. The rest of my time I can devote to mastering sleep. Practice, as they say, makes perfect.

I'm somewhere in a haze of music and twilight when I hear the vague sounds of the front door opening and closing. I wake up to hear my bedroom door open.

"Baby, my god." Tara opens the window and lets the frigid air in my room like a psychopath.

"What the fuck, Tara, I just came out of the shower!" I yank my comforter up to my face. She cannot take this from me. I'm not leaving this fucking bed and there is nothing she can do to make me.

***

I sit slumped at the kitchen table while Tara shoves my laundry into the washer, which is in a closet that doubles as a pantry.

I lay my head on the table and watch her make coffee.

"Baby, do you think you'll feel better for Christmas Eve? I'm worried about this. You think you should see a doctor about the fatigue? It's been a while now." Tara chews on her lip.

Bless her. Bless her saintly head, she thinks I'm actually sick.

"I am confident that Jonny will have a quick turnaround." Rob calls from the couch. He's eating Pringles and watching a game

that already happened

.

I flip him the bird but he can't see.

Tara beams, "I did all our Christmas shopping because you seem to be on your deathbed. Let me show you what I got."

I groan. She turns around holding two coffee cups, one of them for me, with a sad face. I'm such a useless sack.

"Show me baby, thank you."

She squeals and I laugh. She's so cute.

She starts going through her spoils. Top of the line makeup and a gift card to Sephora for my sister, a bottle of Elizabeth Arden's Red Door, my mom's favorite perfume. I'm impressed. She's pretty good at this game. She pulls out the gold jewelry she picked out for Mia, the framed art for Audra, the waterproof speaker system for Rakeem to use on his boat.

"Damn, baby," I furrow my brow. "You did all that?" I'm trying to add up the purchases in my head.

Rob hollers "what did I get?" from the couch and she says "you'll have to wait and see" in singsong at the same time I say "a kick in the ass". She rolls her eyes.

"So, I wasn't really sure what to get Asa, but Veronica had suggested this," she mumbles and she pulls out this crisp black button up shirt with a dark purple lining inside and a pewter pocket watch. It's actually very sharp, and personally I'd love it.

"Asa is not going to wear that." I hold back a laugh. "The pocketwatch he'll like."

"What? It's a really nice shirt!" She looks at it as if the reason he won't like it is written on the tag.

"It is, and I wish it was in my size. Let me put it to you this way: are you sure that's what Asa wants or is it something Veronica wants to see on Asa?" I smirk.

She studies it for a minute.

"Fair," she sighs.

She sets it back in the bag. "Shit, what do we get Asa? We have like, zero time."

I'm quiet. I know what to get him. I know because I already got it for him. It's in my room on my dresser still in its packaging. I debate it.

"He likes classical music," I tell the faux wood grain laminate table.

"Obviously, but I will not even pretend to know where to start there." she laughs.

"He likes Tchaikovsky," I mumble. "I think it's too brassy. And that's saying something because I do be lovin' Cuban mambo."

She looks amused. "Oh really, now. And what do you like?"

"Chopin, but mostly the preludes and nocturnes, they're low key. I've been digging on Beethoven, too. I can recognize a lot of them," I pick at a turned up edge of the table's fake wood finish.

It's quiet. I wonder if I even said that out loud. Did I?

I look up to find Tara and Rob staring at me.

"What?"

"Since when do you listen to classical music?" Tara tilts her head. Rob raises his eyebrows and purses his lips and makes himself busy in the kitchen.

"Hello, since the 90s. I am still very much into Sublime. That is very classical," I may be a bit defensive.

"Oh my God, for the last time.." and Tara goes on about whatever the fuck I'm wrong about and I rest my head back on the table.

I just think about Asa. I think about how much harder it is to look away from him because it's like having what you want dangling in front of your face but it's still always out of reach. My eyes itch.

"I'm going back to bed," I announce and without waiting for any input, I shuffle my ass right on back. I put my earbuds in, and start the music. I sigh and relish/hate how close it makes me feel to him.

I think maybe tomorrow I will give Mozart a try. I have no idea what that would even sound like, but I've been digging on the classical shit as of late.

Tchaikovsky sucks though.

I smile faintly to myself before I fall asleep.

***

"Mijo, can you get the nice pitcher? No lo alcanzo," Mami was eyeballing the very high cabinet shelf.

"That's because you are very small, like a mouse," I grin. I reach and get the pitcher.

"Better a mouse que un cabrón," she swats at me with her wash towel.

"Baa," I respond.

It's Nochebuena, or rather, Christmas Eve. Tara picked me up because I hadn't felt like driving, and now I feel stupid because I can't escape.

Nochebuena trumps Christmas Day in Puerto Rico. The way my mom likes to do it, it usually means a ton of family and a ton more food. It's loud and it's family and it's insanity and normally I absolutely love it, but today I am in no mood to see my cousins or uncles or anyone else.

That said, we definitely have a skeleton crew tonight.

Titi Magaly is here with Jeff, her second husband, but Gabi and Diego are with their dad this year. Tío Marco took Titi Cristina and my cousins to Disney, so that's seven short right there. Titi Mercedes is here with the grandbaby, but my cousin Adriana had work and her boyfriend was deployed sometime this past summer.

So. Three. Well, three and a half.

I can handle three and a half.

"We finally meet, young Falcon," I greet the fat rolls of deliciousness that is my newest cousin. Titi dumps him in my arms, gives me a kiss, and goes to find my mother, probably for round three of When He's 18 I Will Take Falcon To Change His Name.

"I think Falcon is a cool name," I inform him. He grabs my ear and burbles. I do believe the little Hutt is pleased. That's why I like babies. They're easy to please.

"It's you and me buddy. But if the heat is on I'm sacrificing you to the Tías first," I whisper. He fists my hair. Painfully. I blow a raspberry on his dough arm. Revenge is mine.

"You look good with a baby," says a deep warm voice, as a shadow falls over me. My eyes widen. Falcon grabs my nose. Slowly, I turn.

I suck in a breath. Asa stands gazing at me. And he looks absolutely mouthwatering. He's just wearing a simple dark grey sweater with the sleeves pushed up and a pair of black slacks. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but here I am clutching a fucking baby like an idiot, ogling the way his sweater hints at what I know his body looks like underneath. His arms. His biceps. His chest, his back. He's wearing a silver figaro chain that hangs just past the crew collar of his sweater and I can see a peek of the black undershirt he has on right at his neck. His hair is down. I love it when he wears his hair down.

My gaze sweeps over him, my heart starts its pounding, and I can feel the burn in my cheeks as my eyes meet his. He has a similar look on his face, and I feel my jaw slacken and lips part.

We stare at each other. I wasn't expecting seeing him to physically hurt but it does. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Falcon yanks my ear.

"Hey," I manage.

"Hey," he says.

I wet my lips and it immediately draws his attention. I watch him run his tongue over his bottom lip nervously. I have to do something.

"This is my little cousin Falcon, say hello Falcon," I blow a raspberry in his neck to get a laugh. "You smell awful little dude," I wrinkle my nose.

Asa chuckles, and I want to bathe in the sound. I look aside. "I'm sorry," I murmur. He reaches and touches my elbow and all the alarm bells go off. I immediately start to shake and he takes a step back.

I desperately plead with my eyes for him to understand my position. An entire silent conversation passes between us, one of frustration, of yearning, of longing, of grudging acceptance.

I glance over his shoulder and I realize Vivi is staring at me. Staring at me, hard, and I drop my gaze.

"Excuse me," I murmur to Asa and make my way to her. I hate the way she's looking at me.

"Veronica," I start. She's scrutinizing me face. Fuck's sakes.

"Vivi, I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry, I was a total asshole--"

Falcon shoves his finger in my nostril, and I snap my head to the side, "Falcman, holy crap." Veronica presses her lips together to hold back a smile. "Those are my treasures, my dude, you can't just be taking other people's things!"

Veronica cracks up. I smile in relief. I also hand off the booger thief to the closest Titi, in this case, Titi Maggie. She squeals in delight and Falcon eyes her bright jewelry hungrily. Perfect match.

Vivi's gaze is softer this time. I feel my eyes burn.

"I'm really sorry." I mumble. She leans in and grips me in a hug and I wrap my arms around her right.

"Dummy," she murmurs in my ear, and I can hear the smile.

"Buttface," I murmur back with a grin and squeeze her tighter. "I love you."

She pulls back and gives me a pointed look. "Let's go out back."

Ah yes, let's get on our Cheech and Chong bullshit. I grab my coat, and I glance back towards Asa who is leaning against the railing with an unreadable expression.

"No, just you and me," she yanks my elbow. I loop her arm and we slip out the front around the back to avoid the back door.

I pat my pockets when we're on the side of the house but Veronica for possibly the first time in our lives pulls out a joint. I'm astounded.

"Is this my Christmas present?" I place a hand on my heart.

"Fuck that this is mine, what are you going to smoke?" She lights it, grins and passes it to me. I take a deep pull and I feel instantly better.

"So, what the fuck is up your ass, Flaco," she says out of the side of her mouth around a drag.

"What is up my..."

I blink, and my eyes dart to the scene of my crime by the fence. I clear my throat and try not to laugh or cry. It sounds more like the sound of a bog monster.

Nope. Can't do it. I burst into hysterical laughter, chittering like a goddamn hyena. My life is a telenovela.

"Nothing," I answer so honestly it makes me laugh again. "Nothing is up my ass at this time. Next question, your honor."

"You've been really fucking weird," she leans against the fence. We pass the joint between us.

"I...I don't know. I have a ring for Tara and now I'm second guessing," I decide to give her a partial answer. She smirks and rolls her eyes.

"Good," she scoffs.

Yeah, I--Hold up.

"Good? What? I thought you loved Tara?" I look at her bewildered.

"Oh, I do and she will always be one of my best bitches, pero..." she makes a show of rolling her eyes to the side and then up to the heavens as if praying. "I don't know. Maybe it's just good to take a second look."

Oh, I know that tone. "The fuck does that mean? What is this about, Vivi?"

"Nothing, yo na' mas digo it's better to evaluate things before taking shit to the next level," she says in that bullshit way.

"Cut the crap, V, you're not 'just saying' shit. What do you know?" I advance on my sister, analyzing her expression, her body language, everything. I even sniff her head and she swats at me.

"I'm just trying to see if you smell like the shit you're full of," I drawl, and raise my eyebrow.

Veronica flips me the bird, but then gets serious. "Look. I'm not trying to be involved. I'm serious though, Jonny. Watch her. Really watch her and see what you see."

I look at Veronica. I know what she's getting at and I don't like it. I think hard. My head has been so far up my ass I don't even know where to begin. Well, maybe not my ass.

"I think you already know, and I think that's why you've been feeling the way you do," she says softly.

Oh God help me, my life really is a telenovela. I think I need to go cry in Spanish.

At that moment, the Portal to Hell opens and the devil himself screams. Then Tara shuts the portal of hell behind her and lets the screen door bang.

"Jesus, when are you guys going to fix that fucking door?" Tara stares behind her.

"It's our alarm system," I say at the same time Veronica says "It's for safety." Tara looks at us both mildly amused. Veronica and I bump knuckles without looking.

Tara takes the hoodie draped on her arm and slides it on. She always looks so cute in my hoodies. I smile at her. "I want what you got!" She shimmies up and I put an arm around her. She nuzzles in. Veronica passes her what's left of the joint.

"Where's your man?" Tara takes a puff.

"I left him with the sharks," Veronica quipped. "Titi Maggie is probably touching his butt by now."

I crack up. It feels almost normal for a moment but I can't stop thinking about what Veronica said. Maybe that's why I don't notice what happens next.

I'm lost in my thoughts, idly twirling my finger in one of Tara's carefully crafted curls, when Veronica's eyes go wide in panic. I stare at her and just as I'm about to ask what the fuck is wrong with her face, Tara starts trembling beside me.

I look down. She's holding something. Cigarettes? What...

Oh.

Oh

.

Tara opens the box and stares at the glittering diamond encrusted ring inside. Veronica looks like a deer in headlights. I imagine I must look similar.

"Jonny?" Tara asks softly, sounding almost like a little girl. "What...what is this?"

My throat is dry, and my life is flashing before my eyes. "I don't know?"

Veronica looks at me like I'm out of my mind but I don't pay attention because I am, in fact, out of my fucking mind.

This hoodie? Of course, this hoodie. How did I not notice that it was this hoodie? How am I not noticing anything at all anymore?

Her eyes fill with tears.

"Um, surprise?" I clear my throat.

She bursts into tears. I am fucking blazing I do not have the social skills to navigate this. This seems...normal? Is this normal? I glance at Veronica who is looking pointedly away. Ah, maybe not normal?

"Babe?" I clear my throat. "This isn't exactly how I meant for it to go."

She is now sobbing. Like big sobbing. Veronica stares at the ground. I am missing something critical here. Tara moves out from my arms, pushes the ring into my hands and wipes her face on the sleeve of my hoodie.

"Tara? Hey, it's okay, let's not worry about it, okay?"

"Why would you give me this?" she demands. Veronica's eyes are round like saucers. Her question doesn't make sense to me.

"For the usual reasons...? Tara, what the fuck?" I'm startled.

"Why would you want to marry me? You don't even pay attention to me?" she wails.

"What?" I am completely lost. Okay, so the past month and a half I've been distracted, but I feel like that hardly represents the entirety of our relationship. "What are you talking about?"

"You don't notice ANYTHING about me, you BARELY call me, you won't FUCK me!" she shrieks and Veronica's twists in repulsion. She pulls her own hood on and tightens it around her face.

"You're not marrying me because I'm having a rough couple of weeks?" the shock is peeling away, leaving me raw and upset. "You haven't even fucking checked in on me, Tara, you're always gone, you're fucking working 24/7 how are you going to be pissed at me?"

My eyes start to water. This is all so fucking unfair. I'm just trying to do the right fucking thing, and it doesn't matter.

"No! It's not--why are you cornering me like this?" she takes a step back and I look at Veronica who has all but disappeared in her hood.

"What are you fucking talking about Tara? Lower your voice! Nobody is cornering you, what is going on?"

"I'm sorry, I have to go," Tara says between sobs, and just...bails. The back door opens and closes, and we cover our ears. We're both silent until we hear the front door open and close and then a car start.

Tara's car.

The gate Vivi is leaning against opens. Veronica launches forward to prevent herself from falling down. Asa appears, closing the door behind him. She yanks off her hood.

"Uh," he starts. "Tara left."

"What the fuck," I breathe, I realize my face is wet. "What the fuck?"

"What happened?" Asa looks at me with deep concern. "She was crying. Your mom is worried. I told her I'd come check."

Asa reaches to wipe my face and I slap his hand out of the way. He recoils and stuffs his hands in his pockets with a muttered, "Sorry." Veronica covers her mouth to hide her amusement.

I'm looking past him into the street trying to wrap my head around what just happened. Like moving through molasses, I lift my phone and open our text thread. I stare at it.

What do I say? I glance back up, foggy and confused, my eyes drifting from Vivi to Asa.

Asa is staring at me.

"I didn't know she grabbed that hoodie," I say after a minute.

"What hoodie?" Asa asks.

"Oh, have I introduced you to my brother? This is Jonathan. He forgets engagement rings in the pockets of his hoodies for his girl to find."