A Life Deep in the Closet

I'm so happy now that society seems to be edging towards acceptance of all sexual identities because, as someone who has lived almost 70 years deep in the closet, I think it has to be so much healthier to live your own truth. I know, we, as a people have a long way to go before we truly embrace acceptance of all of we the people. It's been a life long thing, something to try to ignore, something I can put away for a while but after an indeterminate amount of time my true self begins the process of fantasy, temptation, and not often enough: action. Here it is: I want to suck cock, I love to give blowjobs (and right now I have an open weekend to ponder all this, can I share my feelings with you? I really can't talk to anyone about it).

When I started to smoke dope again, in my fifties, I had a cosmic moment of truth and I gently confronted myself, I allowed myself to accept myself as who I am, I am a bisexual man and there is no more good to be done by denying facts. Sure I love my wife, she is strong, athletic, and sexy. She is open about sex between us and willing to let passion take over. But: I was not honest with her, or myself, in telling all of my truth, I knew I could control myself, I've had this secret all my life so I'll just keep it a while longer. I think the thought process was: if I'm monogamous, it doesn't matter if I'm not having sex with men, I'm agreeing to only have sex with her. So, there, an old traditional fix to an old traditional problem. Society can't possibly move forward if people are off screwing anybody that makes them feel good, where are the future employees and voters coming from if we were all just fucking? So, we do the right thing, we conform, we sell out; I mean our kids don't want to say, well yay, Dad likes to suck cock but he's otherwise a normal guy. No, Dad would be an outcast, a deviant, someone worthy of derision. So, we keep our mouths shut, literally, and live an otherwise non-deviant life.

So sometimes it is enough to imagine my wife being some strong, athletic and sexy man who is giving me a wonderful blowjob, (her BJ's are something I count my blessings about.) I made my choice and there is a lot to be said for that. We are happy and its worth it most of the time.

Then I have a weekend like this one, where she is visiting family and I have the opportunity to go do something that I think about all the time. I mean all the time... Everyday I read Literotica, Love stories by SpeedoDave and Her Little Piggy and so many other really good writers. Sometimes they touch my soul, if only I could be out and active, or if only my wife was turned on by the thought of 2 men having sex (she's not).

And, where would I go on an occasion like this? A good man, it turns out, is hard to find. I don't want to date, go on a dating app or hope to get extremely lucky in a bar. (Hate to be vain, but people who look like me don't have sex with just anybody). What would be absolutely ideal: I meet a new golf or tennis buddy who is also bi and closeted and somehow, coincidentally, magically we get on the subject when we are sharing a golf cart together and the next thing you know we would agree to be secret lovers. Oh, we'd wear panties for each other, be versatile together, and nobody would catch the feels or get caught by his wife. It would be so perfect... Until one of use dies in the others arms during a secret rendezvous and, to prevent being discovered the living lover drops the dead guy in front of a hospital.. oops he didn't quite make it to the ER)...

So, okay, I'll go to the bathhouse. Here in my town there is quite a nice one and I could go get a very nice room and bring something nice to vape and lube ahead of time, and deuche, and hope nobody recognizes my car in the parking lot and that I don't run into one of my grown kid's friends, and maybe stay in the dark room and just suck cocks in the dark. I'm not sure what could go right with this plan, it sounds like another opportunity to end up jerking off in my cubicle alone because rejection in the dark is the worse...

As the writer Glory First tells us: Anonymous sex has its own charms and I am actually open to them (you take what you can get). Sucking off a married guy in denial is kind of fun, in the Craigs list personals days, I met a few guys who were here on business for a dark hotel room blow and go and I think everyone involved enjoyed themselves. But isn't that it? Why is enjoying ourselves in a non traditional sexual way a sin? Why do gay sexual acts have to define who you are instead of just being something you do?

What would I do? If I go the club tonight or tomorrow night (I bought an enema today, so you know which way I am leaning) after cleaning up and getting pretty high I go over to the club and rent a deluxe room, with movies. Even though I'm tall and in good shape, I realize that I am an older man now, I will either have to pair with another older man or a young guy who wants a Daddy. I am no longer the debutante I once was at the baths. (I lost my virginity in Mans Country in the Village by a New York Italian who got me so worked up that I was begging for him to fuck me by the time he got around to it.)

I'll walk through the halls with other cubicles, just to get a lay of the land and to catch the night's vibe. I'll look in the open doors and see who is available and what they are offering. Then I'll head for the steam area, sitting on my towel and hoping that there is already some action going on. I get very hot watching other people have sex. Maybe they will let me join in for my first taste of the evening. It's okay if they just want me to watch. Then I'll cruise the dark area and maybe on my way in, I'll stop and kneel in a glory hole booth for a while, just to get in the mood. Hopefully I'll get to suck a nice fat one before I go to the dark room. I'm willing to play in the dark, giving and getting oral. I'm a bit of an old fashioned girl when it comes to intercourse, that has to be private and there has to be an attraction. The right guy can have my tight little cunt, but he has to be the right guy. He not only has to be sexy, he has to make me swoon a little so I'm willing to surrender. It's only happened a few times, but I remember every minute of it and beat off to the memory of my old trysts often.

Ideally, in my prowling the place, I will attract a guy who wants to be with me. As closeted as I am, I love it when he makes the first move. Maybe this mature Latino, thin and sinewy, says he "Really likes my calves" (I do have great calves) and we start flirting and then his fingers are on my nipples and he's getting closer and I feel warm and there is nothing I can do but open my mouth when he kisses me, sticking his tongue down my throat to see if I like things inside me and at that moment I sure do. My knees, which are suddenly weak, fall to the ground and before we can get in my deluxe cabana with a TV I have his cock down my throat. "Do it daddy", he gasps before thinking better of it and helping me up and into my room.

He kisses me deeply again, fucking my mouth with his tongue and playing with my nipples. He reaches down to rub my hard cock and whispers, "I'm very excited to be with you, I've been following through this maze, hoping to meet you!' Of course, I pull him on top of me on the bed, kissing like it was prom night and rubbing our cocks together.

His hand reaches past my cock, across my balls and rubs my ass and I considerately move around so has unfettered access to my hole. "Daddy," he says, "can we fuck each other tonight, you really turn me on," and I answer by wrapping my legs around his and sliding my ass right to his cock. "Fill me up stud!"

We kiss and make out all the while he is inside me, filling me with his hot cum while I bite into his neck. It is splendid..

Okay: well you get the idea, I've probably overshared. But what do you think? Should I go the club tonight?