Chapter 11: Self-acceptance
There was a perceptible change in my attitude since the night I gave control of my mouth over to Paul. This kind of power play scenario had never crossed my mind up until that point and Paul had known precisely how to reel me in - with the promise of an eye-wateringly large, black cock.
The experience of that night had been intense. I hadn't realised until afterwards - over the following days even - just how intense it had been. Without any thought of the possible consequences I had given another man total control over me and effectively surrendered my free-will. He had used it to abuse my body and live out his own deep-seeded fantasy. Over the course of those several hours, my pharynx had been transformed into a channel for intercourse, just not in the traditional sense. In this case, the pleasure and sexual fulfilment had been given only unilaterally to the men who had requested the use of this new genital channel to release their biological essence through the stimulation of their own large sexual organs.
I myself had not requested, been offered or achieved any kind of sexual orgasm of my own - in fact in some cases, the reckless abandon and forcefulness that some of those men had chosen to inflict on me had left my throat reeling for the past few days; I recovered slowly and it was a constant reminder of the numerous cum-loads I had swallowed.
During that same time, I had slowly come to terms with and even found my own intense, retrospective enjoyment of the scene as it had played out that night. I knew that - while I hadn't been stimulated sexually - there was a psycho-emotional pleasure that coursed through my mind as I moved from apartment to apartment waiting to see whose phallus I would be draining next. I hadn't heard from Paul since that night and yet he hadn't left my thoughts for one minute. Whether deliberate or not, he had penetrated deeply into my mind and the power that he held over me - the control that he had exerted - left a lasting impact. I couldn't wait to re-live a similar experience again.
***
I still had another week of my annual vacation ahead of me, yet rather than going out to enjoy the city, the heat kept me home most of the day. I lazed around longing for the cool evening air when I could go out to enjoy the relatively mild nocturnal climate.
A nightly trip to the woods had become a solid routine, and it seemed clear to me that I wasn't the only person who was enjoying a vacation with a lazy week in the city. Every night after dark the woods would be bustling with action, so much so that I would occasionally go home to relax and return later in the night when the number of men trawling in the shadows had trailed off a little. However, I often found the greater the number of men, the less likely it was to successfully pick up - I guess more choice meant more hesitation and more competition of course. Nonetheless, I occasionally crossed some of my well-known regulars which kept my desires from simmering over. Sucking as little as two men was far too few for me during those nights - and I would continue to walk laps around until my tally was closer to at least three or four. My thirst was becoming a real addiction.
It was late one of these nights when I had taken a time-out at home to wait out the rush that I noticed Bobby XL's familiar profile close-by on my Grindr grid. I felt my stomach drop as soon as I spotted him. It had been weeks since I last saw him - without so much as a word he had dropped off the radar. It was him who started me on this journey - bringing me out to the woods, penetrating my body physically and spiritually with his huge appendage and dominating energy. He had pushed me to do things I had never had the courage to do alone, and when I gave myself up to him completely, allowing him to use my holes for his pleasure, he did just that - abandoning me soon after like unwanted trash.
With time I realised that this relationship was instrumental in guiding me towards my destiny as a cumdump. He had pushed me to do things I couldn't have had the confidence to do myself and broken down my limits and sense of who I was. The void that he left needed to be filled and without any other support, I found that fulfilment satisfying anonymous men in the forest; giving them pleasure and letting them use my hole for their own needs. The simple knowledge that he was close by was enough to make my heart skip a beat. It had been weeks since he last fucked me; an encounter that had been particularly degrading. He had fucked my hole with an aggression that was difficult to forget and I remembered telling him at that time that he had ruined me - and it was true. I had noticed a change in my asshole since those nights - a change that I thought might disappear with time but still hadn't to that day. I remembered being told there were consequences to being a bottom, and in my case I had inescapably become a total bottom searching out only the most very well-hung tops to serve.
On a number of occasions, from Bobby to Karim, and my own quest with a butt plug, my hole could have been described as a wrecked cunt and I was often reminded of this at unexpected moments. In some ways I was more attuned to the sensations of my anus, but at times it was difficult for me to perceive whether the urge I felt was a need to pass wind or whether it was a real bowel movement. The urgency of the pressure was often much more pronounced too and when I had to go, I really had to go. On a few occasions I had wanted to send a nice ass picture on Grindr to a potential date, only to notice that my sphincter was now visible even in the resting position and especially so if I spread open my cheeks - the line of my ass-lips could be made out to protrude lightly. Its shape and form had visibly changed too; what had previously been a nice, puckered ring, now took the form of a long inviting slit - fulfilling the description that men often gave it when they talked about enjoying the warmth and depth of my "pussy".
Had I been presented with this information or a photo of my man-pussy only a few months before, I likely would have been mortified and I would imagine the majority of bottoms would be too, yet I had found a kind of self-acceptance about my new sex organ. I was becoming prouder of its resemblance to a cunt and all those inconveniences served only to remind me that my hole was open and being transformed in a way that would cause it to better be available for huge meat. So that night when I saw Bobby's profile close by, I instantly knew I had to go and at least offer him the use of my hole. I jumped in the shower to douche my hole and - despite the risk of being rejected or worse yet, completely ignored - I headed out into the woods with my ass-pussy ready for his giant, black cock.
It took several laps in and out of the bushes before I caught a glimpse of what I was sure was his silhouette. I waited patiently, preferring to engineer an encounter that seemed random and unexpected. I found a secluded spot that was on the path not too far from where he was and I stood with my ass pushed as far out as I could muster - I didn't want there to be any doubt what was on offer. He began walking in my direction and as he neared I could see the large bulge under his jogging bottoms, the size of his meat was obscene and it made me want to feel him inside me more than ever.
He slowed on the approach and I knew that he recognised me - I must have looked different though. Before I had been shy and retiring, not willing to flaunt what I was offering, preferring instead to engage in a flirtation before withdrawing with the man to an isolated patch of forest. Now though, I would have been ready to lower my shorts right there at the side of the path, oblivious to any other passers-by - even turned on by the thought that others could be watching us. I walked forward to meet him on the path, and reached out to grope his semi-engorged appendage as he and I came face to face. Surprisingly he appeared to be pleased to see me and grinned widely when I squeezed his growing cock. I could tell he had his cock ring on which told me that he was most definitely in the mood and I was in the right place at just the right time. I followed him as he led us off into the woods.
