A Confession

Eddie and I were talking on my deck, in the orange glow of sunset. My girlfriend Liz had gone up to bed with a snootfull; three glasses of wine and she was done. The other guests at my Memorial Day cookout had gone, and I wondered why Eddie was still here. I soon knew. He wanted to confess something. It was a strange story.

"You know I'm bisexual," he said, a statement intended as a question.

"No. I didn't know."

He lifted his beer to his chin but didn't drink. He looked off to the western sky at the sinking sun. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts or mustering his courage.

"About a year now, just about a year." He took a long swig from the bottle, put it down, and shifted his thin, wiry frame in his chair. He had been a long-distance runner in college.

"So you weren't always bisexual," I said.

"No, no. I was married for eight years. You know that. I was in a serious relationship and almost married her, too, but it didn't work out."

"Right, I remember her. That was Britney, wasn't it?" I said. "Hot chick."

Eddie laughed. "Yeah, Britney was hot. I could tell you stories about her. I'd love to be with her again. Maybe make it work next time. But I want to tell you what happened to me, how I became bi."

I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it. I'd rather hear more about Britney, but I supposed he was going to tell me.

"I didn't choose to be bisexual. Having sex with men never entered my mind when I was married, or when I was with Britney." He ran a hand over his head. He wore his hair high and tight. "Never entered my mind. My best friend and I . . . he seduced me, if you can believe it."

"Your friend—"

He cut me off. "I'm not going to tell you his name. You may know him."

"Okay." He didn't speak for a couple of moments. In the twilight birds were chattering and flittering about the trees in my yard, competing for spots to settle for the night. Eddie frowned and seemed deep in thought.

I said, "Are you sure you want to talk about it?"

Eddie smiled and looked up toward the darkening sky. "Yeah. I need to tell somebody, and I know I can trust you. We've been friends a long time. So yes, I'm sure." He looked at me. "If you don't mind."

"I don't mind. You ready for another beer?" He nodded and I got up and went to the cooler on the other side of the deck and fished two bottles of Foster's out of the watery ice. I handed Eddie one and took my seat opposite him.

"Go on," I said, and drank from my bottle. The beer was so cold it gave me a head freeze.

"It started normally enough, you know how guys talk about sex and women. My friend, when we'd talk on the phone, he'd always shift the conversation to sex— who he was having sex with at the time. It was always a woman. I knew a few of them. Some of his stories seemed unbelievable, but he was my best friend, he still is, and I believed him. I wanted to believe him, to tell you the truth."

"So he wasn't making it up. They weren't fantasies?"

"Oh, he could have made things up, I guess. I don't think so."

"Well, some guys put a spin on things. Stories about fishing and sex, you have to take them with more than a grain of salt," I said.

"The thing is, his stories excited me. It was a few months after Britney and I broke it off, and I wasn't seeing anybody." Eddie took a long drink, put his bottle on the table, and lit a Marlboro. He offered the

box to me and said, "You want one?"

I hadn't smoked in years, but smelling the smoke and seeing the familiar red and white box made me want one. "Sure." I took a cigarette out of the box and he reached across the table and fired his lighter. I inhaled and felt an instant dizzy rush.

"One of his stories aroused me a lot," he said. "He was talking about Sally, the ex-wife of a guy we both knew socially. He had always lusted after her, and about a year after the divorce he ran into her. He said he took her out a couple times."

I smoked the Marlboro and listened as he described how his friend started to date Sally and wondered when he would get to the part about his bisexual conversion. I got interested again when got to Sally on the balcony.

"His apartment had a balcony. There were sliding doors in the living room and bedroom that opened on it. He lived on the fourth floor in the rear of the building and the balcony faced the wooded area beyond," he said. He dropped his cigarette into an empty beer bottle. "It's very private. He told me he fucked her on the balcony."

"Outside? That's pretty cool," I said. I thought about Liz and I doing it on my deck.

"He said he bent her over the railing and fucked her ass." Eddie looked at me, expecting a reaction, I imagined. He grinned; maybe he did read something in my face.

He said, "The way my friend described it, I could see it in my mind. I was on that balcony a hundred times. It excited me to hear it. I guess he knew it excited me. Next time we talked he told it again, only with more detail, and I told him it made my dick hard."

"He tells you a hot story about Sally. Fucking her in the ass. Do you know her?" I said.

"Not really. I mean, I had seen her with her husband at a picnic, I think it was. I know what she looks like. I might have chatted with her. When he talked about her I remembered how she looked. Thin, blonde, big tits, and a nice ass."

"You could visualize her bending over the railing?"

"Exactly." He drank and looked thoughtful a moment. He leaned forward with his elbows on the table. "I have to explain something."

I nodded.

"I've known this guy since college. He was best man at my wedding. He's a great guy, very caring. When he had to put his mom in a nursing home when she got Alzheimer's he was devastated. He visits her almost daily. I want you to understand that over the years I got attached to him."

"Yeah, I can see that. He's your best friend and a good guy. Go on."

"We do care about each other. If love begins with lust, maybe lust begins with love. I guess that can happen. What eventually happened between us wasn't only sex, there was affection."

"Sex with a woman you care about is always much better," I said. "Guess that applies to guys, too. I never thought about it."

His eyes looked like he was nearly drunk, and they got teary as he continued speaking. "I agree. If you care, it's better. So, as I was saying, one time I was at his place for dinner. He's a good cook. He never married, did I tell you that? Anyway, after dinner he opened another bottle of wine and soon he started talking about Sally again. I know he knew I liked the story. That's when I started thinkin about me out there on the balcony. Me. He had me turned on."

"Wow. So what did you do?" I said, very interested by then.

"We talked some more and he suggested we take our drinks and go sit out on the balcony. It was dark. While we sat there talking I was looking at the railing and imagining myself bent over it, what it would be like. It was pretty warm and humid; the bugs were making a lot of noise with their mating sounds. "

Eddie paused, drank some more beer and lit another cigarette.

"He said it was so hot we ought to take off our clothes. I felt weird, but excited, too. When I saw his cock, I got aroused and couldn't take my eyes off it."

"You both got naked?" I said.

"Yeah. I said, 'Your cock's huge,' and he said, 'You want to touch it?' I was so nervous and excited I couldn't speak. He does have a big cock. It's long and it gets thicker at the base."

Too much info. "So, what did you do?"

He blushed. "I'm embarrassed, but I've come this far, I may as well tell you everything." He took another drink and dragged on his cigarette.

"We sat there naked and drank some more. Neither of us said anything. I couldn't stop thinking about his cock, couldn't stop looking at it. Finally I turned to him and said I wanted to touch it. I knelt in front of him and took his cock in my hand. I had never touched a man before. I can't describe the incredible sensation it gave me. Next thing I knew I had it in my mouth. I sucked him and he came in my mouth."

Really too much information. "Were you drunk?"

"Yeah, some. I wasn't shit-faced."

"So, you got a little high and sucked a cock. That doesn't make you bisexual—or gay," I said. "It's was more like experimenting. Shit happens."

"There's more," Eddie said, looking down. "Want to hear the rest?"

"Sure. Go ahead." It was dark now and the birds had quieted down, almost as if they were listening to his story, too.

"We did that a couple more times that summer. Just blowjobs. We didn't talk about it, I guess we just let it happen. I guess it was in August that he had people over for dinner. I was there. He flirted with one of the women and when everyone left he said how much he wanted to fuck her. We took a bottle of wine and glasses out to the balcony."

Eddie stood and walked to the other side of the deck. He turned to face me and leaned on the railing. "It's a wooden railing just like this," he said, patting the top rail. "Anyway that night we stripped. I knelt in front of him and began to suck him. I guess he had planned it, because he had a jar of Albolene.

"What's that?" I said.

"Cold cream. He put cold cream on his cock. He's says it's great for ass fucking."

I made a mental note to remember Albolene—in case Liz ever offered me her heinie.

"I knew what was coming, I didn't have to ask. I was probably more excited at that point than I had ever been in my life. I didn't resist, I wanted it. I put my hands on the rail and waited. He spread my legs gently and massaged my ass with the cream. We didn't speak. I could barely breathe I was so turned on. He put a finger in my ass and moved it in and out to loosen me up. Then he pushed his cock into me."

"Man, just like that? Did it hurt?" I said.

"It did, but not too much. I leaned over the railing, just as I imagined Sally had leaned over it. By the time he was all the way in I lost my mind, couldn't think of anything but his cock in my ass. I got off, and shot a huge wad into the dark."

"No rubber?" I said.

Eddie returned to his chair. "No. I know he's safe."

"It's quite a story."

"Did it turn you on?"

I had to think about it. "Maybe, a little," I said.

"Well, you ever want to do anything . . . "

I considered the offer. It didn't do anything for me. "No, I don't think I'll ever want to do anything. I don't lean that way," I said.

"Okay. Just thought I'd ask." He finished his beer and stood.

"You still having sex with your friend?" I said.

"No. Only the times I told you. When I try to bring it up he won't talk about it."

"Well, whether you're bisexual or not, I don't know. I guess it depends on what you do in the future. You been with other guys?"

"No. I think about it, but he's the only one I want. I suppose I have a crush on him."

I heard noise in the kitchen. Liz was up.

"I better go," Eddie said. "Thanks for listening."

"Yeah, no problem. Take it easy," I said. We shook hands; he looked sad as he went down the steps

and disappeared in the darkness. I felt something for him, pity I suppose. Liz came out on the deck. She was wearing a T-shirt and panties and I stopped thinking about him.

"What are you doing?" she said.

"Eddie just left. We were talking."

"Oh. It's cooled off some," she said, and kissed the top of my head.

"Yeah." I thought about bending her over the railing.

"What were you talking about so long?" she said.

"You know, guy stuff. You know anything about cold cream, stuff named Albolene?"

"Yes, it's cold cream. Why?"

"Supposed to be good for anal sex," I said.

She squinted at me. "Forget about it, that's exit only. Is that what you guys were talking about?"

"Eddie was, yeah."

I stood and took her in my arms. We kissed.

She mussed my hair and said, "No way, José . So get it out of your head right now."

"We could do it regular," I said.

"Not out here. Let's go up to bed."

"That's my girl."